Update 23

Still haven't talked to crazy guy in over 3 weeks, woo hoo!

I have, however, been hanging out a lot with the cop (Date number 31)...

It's been very light and casual and hilarious! I laugh from the minute I see him to the minute I leave! He is so funny! We go out out a lot which is a change from the last 2 guys I dated where I just sat in their condos all evening watching TV or movies or cooking...

We have gone to watch bands, to see his friends jam, to movies, for dinners, I even went to go see him do stand up comedy and he was soooo damn funny!

He met my mom for two seconds when he came to pick me up... I hurt my ankle very badly and couldn't drive and I wanted ice cream badly! So he came to get me and took me out for ice cream :) I like it when guys that are normally assholes do nice things and show that they care. I met his mom and step dad as well.

A few things that are starting to turn me off.... He is 33 and lives at home. He has a good job but does not seem to have any money saved up which is s huge red flag for me. Also, he keeps talking about going back to school cause he doesn't want to be a cop anymore... I have no desire to wait four years until he gets out of school and starts working to pay off student loans... He will not be actually making money for like 6 more years.

For now, I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh and feel carefree! I have continued to date other people and do not want to commit to him because I do not see a real future with him. Since we both live at home we have not had much privacy and therefore have only kissed in 3 weeks of hanging out. I'm not sure about him but I am happy taking things super slow and just having a good time, going out, hanging with friends etc...

I hung out a few more times with the Family friend (date number 35)...

He came out for my best friend's birthday last Saturday night and had a few too many to drink and asked me to come home with him. I said that I did not want to and he kind of flipped out and got mad and left without saying goodbye. He apologized the next day but I have not seen him since then. He has messaged me a few times this week but I am really not interested in him. I may bump into him this weekend or next and it won't be weird but I do not want to be with him....

I have been thinking quite a bit about my ex... I have had a few dreams about him this week. I am over half way done my 50 dates and I haven't found anyone that makes me feel like he did...

Just thought I would share that...

My Thirty Fifth Date

Not from Jdate... 10 points!

He is my best friend's close family friend. They grew up together and then stopped hanging out for years because he was away at school etc. She once suggested that I meet him but it never happened and then I was dating someone else and I tried to convince her to go for him because their parents were already best friends and he was a "good catch". He started to come out with our group of friends in the last few months but I wasn't interested or I was dating the doctor or the crazy guy and nothing ever happened. Then about a week ago I added him to facebook because I was making a surprise party for my best friend and wanted to invite him. We started chatting one afternoon and were both not busy and hungry so we decided to grab sushi. I really didn't think it was a date, cause we have been hanging out for a few months now but turns out it was....

We met at sushi and ordered EVERYTHING! We ate more then 5 people would eat at a dinner and it was lunch time! We had good conversation and laughed a lot. We talked about what I do and about his new job that he was excited about. He paid for lunch and then asked if I wanted to go to the mall with him. I said sure! We went to the mall and it was like going with my best friend... They are both Russian background and care a lot about designers and labels and the latest styles and trends... It was like he was the guy version of my best friend! He knew all the hottest designers and has great style and fashion sense. It was so much fun going with a guy that appreciates shopping! So rare! Anyways, it was a really great day. No pressure, care free and lots of fun. Two days later we went out again. He invited me to a movie and in the middle of the movie he leaned over and kissed me. At first I moved away... I was like "oh G-d, why is he ruining a good thing already!" I know his parents and see them all the time, so if we hook up and dont work out then it will be awkward at parties etc. He didn't care.. he tried again... I kissed him back. It was okay. No crazy sparks or anything but that may have been from all the stuff going through my head at the time. I spoke to my best friend about it... She thinks we would be a good match... He is successful and comes from a good home. She thinks he is really good looking, I think he is okay... He is also the type to not want to be in a committed relationship and I am not even sure that I would want to be with a guy like him...

Anyways, I'm sure we will hang out again and either something more will happen or we will go back to how it was...

I am still on the fence with him... Not sure if he is a good idea or not....

Update 22

Where do I begin??

The day after my last update was crazy. I had just updated that things were going okay with Crazy and that I liked him and wanted to be with him and I tried to defend what I was doing with him and the next day this happened....

Monday he was being quite distant. He said he wasn't feeling that well and he was hot because the air conditioner hadn't been turned on in his condo yet. He invited me to come out with his friends to break Passover at a sushi restaurant the following night. I was feeling really insecure abut how distant he had been so I messaged him on Tuesday afternoon and asked him if I could come over instead of just waiting until dinner time. He said that he was playing playstation with some friends and that I would be bored. I said " ok, then I won't come over". He said one of his famous passive lines that drives me up the wall "Do what you want".

I didn't go over. I waited til dinner time and went for sushi with him and his friends. I probably shouldn't have but I did. He was being weird. He didn't touch me at all. Two nights before he was all over me and couldn't keep his hands off of me and tonight, nothing. After dinner we went back to his condo with his friends and watched a Hebrew movie. I am the only one that is not fluent in Hebrew so I kept interrupting to ask "what did he say?" If I touched his hand, he moved it away and pretended to wipe sweat off his forehead. After his friends left I tried to touch his hand one more time and he moved it again so I got up and sat at the other side of the sofa. He asked what my problem was and we argued (only during commercials of course cause while the show was on I had to be quiet). I told him that it did not feel very nice to touch him and have him move away and avoid me and make me feel undesirable. I told him that it did not feel very nice that I am the one who has been making plans with him that last few times and that he doesn't seem excited to see me or make plans and its like he does me a favor like "sure, you can come over if you want". He told me that I am being ridiculous and over sensitive. He said it is because he is not feeling well and that its hot in his place. That I should stop planning and controlling and trying to force things to happen and just to let them happen naturally. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up at 3:30 AM, he was still on the other end of the couch watching TV paying ZERO attention to me. He said that I looked too tired to drive home and that I could go sleep in his bed. I don't know why I said okay... but I did. I went to the washroom and got ready for bed, by the time I got to bed he was already in it, watching TV. I put my head on his shoulder and he left it there for a bit and then told me that I had too much hair and it was making him too hot. I rolled over to the other side and felt like such a desperate loser. How had this happened? I am confident and I think so highly of myself usually. I looked over and he had actually moved to the foot of the bed. The farthest possible place away from me that he could be. I took my phone and bbm mesaaged my best friend who was visiting Europe so it was already 10 AM where she was. I told her what happened and she wrote "Get your clothes on and get the F*ck out of his place you loser!" All of a sudden everything changed in my mind. What the hell was I doing? No man should make me feel like this especially not a Crazy, mind playing, manipulative ass! I got up and started to get dressed. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was going home. He got very angry and yelled at me. He said "I told you that I am boiling hot you don't need to be so immature and dramatic and leave just because I am lying at the foot of the bed". I said I didn't care and if he was so hot then I didn't need to stay and crowd his space. He said his famous line "do what you want" which was ALL I needed to hear to walk out. He followed me out into the hall and gave me a hug and said sorry and to drive home safe. I said nothing and did not hug him back. He messaged me to see if I got home. The next day he messaged me and I gave him cold, one word answers.

My therapist suggested that I try doing the exact opposite of my gut reactions. Normally I would answer him right away or go over there or make sure he did not feel rejected or unwanted. So I decided that the opposite of that was to only worry about myself and how I feel. If I didn't feel like answering because I was out then I didn't answer. I didn't pretend that everything was okay because it wasn't. He asked me why I was ignoring him and I told him that there was no point to discuss it because I am not interested in fixing anything with him. The messages got less frequent and the last one was a very rude message on Saturday night (he was obviously drunk). He was trying to ruin my evening so I didn't even open it until I got home. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I intend to keep it that way. His friend called me and told me that he is very upset but he is too proud to call me. I said that it was better that way because we don't have a future together and we would have driven each other insane if this went on for very much longer. I do miss all of his friends cause they were amazing to me but its for the best. I do not regret any time that I spent with him or anything that happened. It all happened for a reason and made me a stronger person and made me realize one more thing that I do not want in a man.... CRAZY!

My Thirty Fourth Date

His picture was a kind of nerdy looking but he seemed to have this great confidence about him. He gave me his number and I called him with my number blocked. The conversation was good. He was smart, well traveled, cultured and a mensch. He spoke to me as though he thought he was the sexiest man alive. He was very confident in himself and in his achievements and I found it attractive in a weird way. I agreed to meet him that same evening. We met at a bubble tea place after work one night. The conversation was good until he started to throw some "fun facts" at me. He told me that I shouldn't wear contacts too often because over time the microscopic hairs on my eye ball would stop producing moisture and blah blah blah. He told me that the tapioca in bubble tea was made out of pork and I told him that it was made out out rice and potato and we argued about that for a while until the waitress told me I was right. Which he still didn't believe and told me to make sure to look it up when I get home. I told him that I didn't care to do that because I don't even order my tea with tapioca! And then the real fun part was when he started to explain to me what he does for a living. Again, I am not an uneducated moron but know your audience for G-d sakes! Know that I do not look like someone that would be interested in talking about mechanical engineering for half an hour!

Also his confidence really did not match his look. He was a really nice dorky looking guy with out dated glasses (so that he could keep his microscopic eye hairs healthy of course!). He said things like "you are lucky that I gave you my number and met with you on such short notice cause I normally don't do that".

He took care of the bill when I went to the washroom which I thought was a gentleman move. He walked me to my car and told me that he requests a call to know that I got home safe. I told him that I was not going straight home. He got a bit demanding and said well then call me when you get somewhere safe so that I know you are okay. I get the protective thing but it was a bit too soon to demand a call from me and I didn't like the way he said it. The truth is that perhaps if I liked him, I would have found that so sexy but I didn't like him so I found it annoying.

I didn't call him when I got to my friends house and he didn't have my number and he seemed confident enough to get the message and not be insulted. I would actually really like to find a nice girl for him cause I think he would be a good boyfriend, just not for me...

My Thirty Third Date

We chatted over bbm for about a week. His picture was cute but his profile said he was 5’8 which is a bit shorter then I am attracted to. We had a few good conversations over the phone and I agreed to meet him. He said that we should meet half way so I met him in a mall parking lot and we took his car. I asked him where we were going and he said that it was a surprise. The real surprise was when we got out of the car and he stood next to me. He was not 5"8. He would not have been 5"8 even if he was wearing 3” heels!!!! He was maybe my height. He was also my weight and I think we even had a similar petite body type. Very sexy.... NOT! He told me that he owned his own company and had just bought a house and that everything was complete in his life except for that special someone.

Then he started to lecture me. He lectured me about life in general and then specific things like the fact that I still lived at home. He lectured me about the importance of keeping kosher and he even lectured me about spending too much money on “stupid” things like expensive clothes.

The real kicker was when we started to talk about “our” wedding. I’m not sure how the conversation started as I was tuning in and out for most of his lecturing and I don’t remember agreeing to marry him. He said that he would never let our parents pay for our wedding. I told him that most people in our community have their parents pay for their weddings and that my parents were prepared to pay for the wedding that I called off and for the wedding that my sister is planning and I didn’t see anything wrong with that. He said that he would want to pay for his own wedding. I asked him if he knew how much a Kosher catered wedding would cost. When I told him, he almost fell off his chair. He said that there was no way he could afford a wedding like that as he just bought a house using all of his savings and was trying to pay it off. I told him that perhaps he should do his research before he makes bold statements like “ I will pay for my own wedding”. He tried to look like a macho man and a high roller but ended up disclosing that he doesn’t even have any cash flow right now.

His lecturing and his arguments based on no logic were really beginning to irritate me and I am sure he could pick up on my cold and disengaged responses. That was when he gave me a lecture on the importance of being nice on a date and on first impressions. I thought I was going to punch him in the face! Who the hell did he think he was giving me lectures on my behaviour on a date??? Perhaps if you were not the shortest most obnoxious man on the planet I would be a bit nicer and more receptive! Ever think of that asshole???

When the bill came he pulled out enough cash to cover the whole bill and I pulled out my credit card. He looked at my card and then took back half the money he put out and actually split the bill with me. He asked why I offered and I said “because it was the right thing to do and I am into doing the right thing”. He said “I can appreciate that”. I was about to say “and letting a woman pay on a first date is not the right thing to do you idiot!” But I just smiled and prayed to get to my car as fast as possible. When we left the restaurant he asked if I wanted to go for drinks to another place. I told him that I was tired and needed to get home. He took me back to my car and asked to see me again. I didn’t say anything, I just got out of the car. NO THANK YOU!!!!!

Update 21

I can't begin to tell you how hesitant I am to write this update... I have been getting a lot of grief about liking Crazy Guy... I am not sure when I changed his name from Gorgeous to Crazy guy but I did...

Since my last update of going back on jdate and meeting other guys, I have still been seeing him and talking to him. I want to say that everything is great and defend my reasons for liking him and dragging this on but I committed to being honest on my blog so here is the truth....

Things have been difficult over the last 2 weeks. He found out that I was dating other guys and freaked out. I told him that if he didn't want a relationship then I was more then entitled to continue dating. He told me that he is not dating anyone else but he has nothing to offer me and would be holding me back from my future if he agreed to be with me. At the same time, he really likes me and gets upset when I am out with other guys. I still don't get his logic about this whole thing but perhaps he is protecting me from something that he knows about himself that I haven't quite figured out yet. Or he is playing major mind games.

I really don't get him. We talk every day and see each other very often. We act like we are together and all his friends assume that we are. We spent a lot of time over passover grocery shopping and cooking together like a couple... But we fight like crazy.

We still haven't slept together. Half because of me but half because he said it wouldn't be a good idea. I really can't stop questioning why he won't take the next step of saying we are in a relationship... It doesn't make sense to me. I would understand if he wanted to be with other girls but thats not even the issue.

Its starting to get very difficult. And there will be some point where I will need to stop this push/ pull game we are playing. Its also getting to the point where I get a bit nervous that he will find me on jdate or catch me out on a date. Not because I am not allowed but because we fight about it every time and I hate fighting with him. Its also getting to the point were the fighting ends up souring our time together and its becoming less and less fun to hang out. There is also no consistency with him... We can have an amazing day and then the next day he is cold and will start a fight with me to try to push me away or prove to himself that I don't care about him.

Although its very frustrating, I can't really complain because it takes two to tango. I am aware of my part in this insanity. I have the option of ending it and walking away at any point and I keep choosing not to. There is something that is keeping me in this situation.

One of my friends suggested that if I go for emotionally unavailable guys that means that I have commitment issues. I found this to be a very interesting observation. Maybe I go for these guys so that I can blame them for a failed relationship when really these types of relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning. Maybe I am terrified of the idea of spending the rest of my life with one guy. I almost married the wrong guy once, what if I make a mistake and marry the wrong guy and have kids with him etc. Maybe I try to find things wrong with the "good guys" because the thought of actually finding a suitable mate scares the crap out of me...

Who knows??

Another interesting thing I have realized is that in most of my past relationships I have been the one in his role. I have been the controlling, intimidating one that you don't want to mess with. I was bossy and it was a huge mistake to do something to make me mad. I never really considered how uncomfortable this must have been to some of my exs. Now I know. In fact, I even understand why some may have lied to me or bent the truth to avoid me getting angry and freaking out. I am usually a very honest person but I find myself lying to him to avoid conflict. And I often have a knot in my stomach when he starts to ask me questions. I feel like I am on trial. I see a lot of myself and my behaviors and actions in an exaggerated form through him. I have a lot of empathy for my ex fiance after seeing how it feels to be with someone so controlling.

Maybe Crazy guy was sent to me to show me things in myself that need improvement.... And I intend to work on them.

In terms of us... I have no idea what will happen. My guess is that it will run its course and I will take my blinders off and realize that I deserve better. At least I hope thats what will happen.

For now please be empathetic and not so judgmental. Think back to a time where you were stuck in a relationship that was so clearly not healthy but you just weren't ready to get out. And if that never happened to you then thank G-d for how lucky you are to have found your perfect soul-mate. I don't feel like I am done with him yet and perhaps there is a greater reason for that, I just haven't figured it out yet...

My Thirty Second Date

I met this guy last Sunday afternoon for lunch. He seemed nice. Well spoken. Great job. Pretty cute. A bit short and a bit boring....

Lunch went well. We stayed for almost 2 hours talking about jdate. We exchanged theories about it and laughed about some of our funny past dates. There was no chemistry. He wasn't really connected to Judaism. We talked about Passover because it was coming up that week and he said that he didn't really observe the holiday etc. Also he mentioned that for 2 weeks out of every month he lives in a different state for work. He has his own condo and car there but when he is here he lives with parents and uses their car. I wonder if thats the same story he tells girls there... Anyways, lunch ended and he asked if I wanted to go grab a coffee to continue hanging out. I really didn't. I said that I had to go pick up my niece now so that it wouldn't work out... There was too much that already wasn't working for me with him. Plus, I thought about Crazy guy the entire time...

He called me a few times since the date and I met him once more for a walk in the park. I tried to be interested but I remained bored out of my mind for the entire walk... I politely told him that I was just not that into him.

My Thirty First Date

I found this guy online months ago. We talked a few times on the phone and a lot on msn. Even when I was with the two other guys, we would still chat on msn a few times a week. He has a reputation of being a jerk. He is very forward and crude. He makes rude jokes and has no manners. He is pretty good looking, super tall (like a foot taller then me) and in amazing shape. Also he is a police officer, plays in a band and could be described as white trash. However, he is quite intelligent and is thinking about applying to law school.... Also, i think his humor is quite entertaining and witty.

Anyways, after about 4 months, he texts me on Friday night and asks me what I am doing. I told him that I was at my grandmothers house for shabbat dinner and I was going to go home soon... it was already 11 PM. He told me not to be such a "tight ass" and to meet him and his friends at a bar/club. I was not dressed to go to a club. I was in jeans and my converse shoes but he convinced me to come by. I walked in and looked for the tallest guy in there and recognized him immediately. He gave me a big hug as if we had known each other for years! It kind of felt like that cause we had developed somewhat of a friendship over the last few months. I felt like a little girl... I felt like I was as tall as his belly button, lol!

It was strange to have a first date at a club with his friends but it did ease the tension a lot! And I was surprised with myself that I actually went alone to a club, under-dressed, and with more self confidence then any girl wearing a mini skirt in there!

He was out with a bunch of cop friends who were very drunk but very nice! We sat together in a booth and talked and laughed. It wasn't long before he kissed me. He was very sauve about it. He moved my hair away from my neck and kissed me there and then looked up at me and kissed me on the lips. It was a great first kiss. Not awkward at all and he is an amazing kisser!!! We had a lot of chemistry right away and it felt right to kiss him. He was actually quite cute with me. He made sure I was comfortable, got me a drink (non alcoholic of course), held my hand, put on my jacket etc. he did not live up to his jerky reputation at all!

After the club he asked if I was hungry... It was 2 am but I said sure why not! So we went to a late night Chinese restaurant with one of his friends. We had fun there too! It was a bit weird because his friend was a bit drunk and was totally hitting on me in front of him! He just laughed it off. His friend was younger then me and not Jewish and a real hick! We just kind of laughed at him! He paid for dinner. For some reason with him I didn't even offer to pay. I'm not sure why. I always offer to pay with nice guys but with assholes or players or guys who think they are something I often don't even do the "fake purse reach". We dropped off his friend and then he drove me back to my car. We made out for a bit in his car. I thanked him for dinner and for a nice night and went home.

The second I got home, I already had a facebook message and friend request from his friend, lol!!! I guess he was sober enough to remember my name!

I have seen him one more time since but I will tell you about that in my next update.

I am sooo not into him in terms of a boyfriend or anything serious but I do have a good time with him and am attracted to him. Its never happened to me before that I just like someone physically but have no desire to be with them.... Weird.

My Thirtieth Date

I know I haven't updated my dates in almost 2 weeks... Sorry!!!

I have been keeping up with my time limits on jdate and actually since I set a time limit, I have been on even less then I was allowed! However, before I made my limit, I exchanged contact info with about 7 guys... So I had them on email or msn or bbm or fb or phone.... So I have been pretty busy the last 2 weeks, lol!

I had spoken to this guy months ago but he was busy and I was busy and we never ended up meeting up. He is a 33 year old, semi retired guy. He is very smart and sold his company a few years ago for a lot of money and now he just travels and invests in small companies and watches his money grow....

For some reason as soon as I popped back onto jdate he started messaging me and insisted on meeting me. I wondered why he was so eager as he was not this eager when we first spoke a few months back. We tried to make plans for a few days but I was busy and his eagerness was becoming a turn off. We finally were able to meet on a weekday around lunch time. He said that we could meet at the mall because he needed to return something anyways... I have never had a first date at the mall but why not... I asked him if we would be eating lunch or if I should eat before because it was lunchtime... He said we will just grab a coffee and walk around the mall. For some reason this irritated me. Don't make plans at 12 PM if you plan to just get a coffee... So I took my sweet time and ate lunch at home and let him know that I was going to be late. When I got there he had already returned whatever he needed to and was waiting for me.

He grabbed me and gave me a huge hug as if we were great friends that hadn't seen each other in years... Kinda creepy! His voice sounded a bit like Kermit the frog. I kept wanting him to clear his throat! It was driving me crazy!!! He was very touchy-feely with me... He was not bad looking... He had a weird body type though, large upper body and tiny skinny legs... I kept wondering if he was going to fall over :) About 5 minutes into the date he tells me that we have a common friend. I asked who. He said the doctor's name and asked me how I knew him. I told him that we dated for a bit a few months ago. This jdate pool is getting to be very incestuous!!! All the guys I date seem to know each other!! He tried to get info about us, like why we didn't work out etc. I told him he sounded like an old gossiping jewish grandmother and that if he wanted to know anything he should just ask his friend.... Besides all this, our conversation was great! He is so smart and we talked about business almost the entire time. He told me about a few new projects that he has on the go and I have him some of my ideas and he thought they were great. He also gave me a few good ideas about the business that I have recently started. It was nice to talk to someone so bright and entrepreneurial for a change! I really did enjoy it! We talked for a few hours on a bench outside my favorite store.. I was eying a stunning purple dress the entire time...

So as soon as he left the mall, I ran back inside and bought the dress! So that date ended up costing me $365.00 plus I still need to find new shoes to go with it!

He called me the next day and wanted to see me again but I told him that I was busy until after passover... I think he got the hint ;)

Update 20

Things got a bit out of control....

As soon as I got back on jdate it was like I was a crack addict who just took my first hit of crack after a month of being clean. I logged on and spent 7 straight hours reading messages I had gotten over the past month, seeing which new people were on-line and chatting with guys. I was even late for work. Then as soon as work was over I raced back home and logged back on until 2 am...

Since I am an addiction counselor I started to draw parallels between me and my clients. I was clearly sad about ending things with crazy guy and instead of sitting with my feelings and actually feeling them I needed my next "fix". I needed to run back to jdate to get attention from guys and to be distracted from my feelings of sadness. With all the instant gratification this generation has, its a wonder how any one actually gets the chance to feel feelings and not escape them in some way.

I went to my therapist today and decided that I would limit my time on jdate to 3 times a week and only 2 hours each time. The reward for doing this would be to go on one date.

I don't know where or when this happened but I seem to be in some kind of race to get married. My anxiety to find "the one" is through the roof. Instead of enjoying this experience and enjoying the time I am spending with some of the guys I have met I am running through them with my "husband check list". As soon as the doctor said that he wasn't ready to commit I ran for the door and never looked back. As soon as one thing was wrong with him I bailed. I could have talked to him about it or asked him why he was scared but instead my internal alarm went off saying "don't waste anymore time with this guy... run!" Even with Crazy guy... In a way I was trying to fight the fact that I liked him because I knew that he was not anywhere close to being ready for marriage (not financially or emotionally). I was the one that wanted to keep dating other people while having fun with him. I was the one that pushed away every time he was too kind or warm or loving (at the beginning). I liked him but once again I was afraid to "waste too much time with him". The irony of all of this is that I am wasting even more time by not giving people a fair chance and not being truly open to letting things unfold naturally. I bring up marriage way too soon and I make the first bit of the relationship so intense for them. So in rushing to get married, I am scaring off/pushing away any potential guys from wanting to get close to me and seeing where things go.

Its interesting because one huge reason why people use drugs is because they need to calm down some sort of fear or anxiety about themselves, their futures or life in general. Similarly,I am going from date to date to calm my anxieties about "needing to get married yesterday".

I thought a lot about this today... I wondered who put the idea in my head that I need to be married now. The truth is that I did. I have no pressure from family or friends. Its my own pressure. In my mind I think that I need to be married already. Had I not broken off my engagement, I would have already been married, owned a home, and would probably be thinking about getting pregnant soon. My cousin who is my age is married and about to have her second child. My little sister just bought a house with her fiance and will be married in a few months and many people from my high school are married and having babies. All this is going on while I am playing around on jdate...

So here is the thing... I don't want to sound egotistical but it is not hard for me to get a date and even after a first date it is very rare that the guy would not want a second date... But somewhere after the second date, in the first month of dating I somehow screw shit up. I have never had this problem before... I have been in one long term relationship after another for the last 10 years. I have never really been single and I have never really dated. So what the hell am I doing wrong? Or maybe people on jdate don't feel the need to put in that much effort because "hey, if this one doesn't work out I can log back on to jdate and find 10 more guys/girls to be with tomorrow".

Anyways, that is my rant for now... I have decided to look to other things to calm my anxiety and not use jdate as an escape. I will go on a bit and go on a few dates but not let it occupy too much of my time. I want to put the focus back on me and work on myself more. I have decided to eat better and exercise more. I have decided to put my free time into building up my practice and my other side business. I want to travel a bit more and enjoy my friends and family more. I want to spend more time outside with my niece and my dog. I want to find a way to be happy with myself despite the fact that I am not in a relationship. I want to love me more and not be or act so desperate to get married. I have the rest of my life to be married. This time is to get to know me better and like who I am :)

My Twenty Ninth Date

I added this guy to msn months ago and we spoke on the phone. I don't remember much about the conversation but I do remember that it was long and not boring. He would randomly message me on msn every few weeks and remind me that we once spoke on the phone. Either timing was off (I was with the doctor and then with the crazy guy) or I just kept forgetting who he was....

He messaged me again this weekend because he saw me back on jdate. He said "It looks like things didn't work out with the guy, I'm sorry". I said "lol, no you are not". He asked if I would meet up with him. I was a bit hesitant, I was so worried that crazy would see us out together and freak out... Here is why:

The night before he messaged me and I only wrote back 2 hours later. He said "that took a long time", I said "I wasn't with my phone", He said "ya sure". We made small talk and then he just stopped responding. I didn't hear from him until 2 am. He was out with his friends for his bday, probably drunk and he knew I was out with my friends. He wrote that he never wants to talk to me again. I wasn't going to engage in his craziness so I just said ok. It was perfect, he said he never wants to talk again so now I didn't have to feel guilty for going back on jdate. As soon as I logged on to jdate the following morning (after not logging on for the month I was with crazy), I got a bbm message from crazy. He said "enjoy jdate, I have all your stuff here ready for you to come pick up". I was so freaked out! How the hell did he know I logged on that same minute?!?! Was he watching me somehow? Did he install something in my computer to tell him what sites I go on?? I quickly went to check his jdate profile but it said he last logged on a month ago.. I checked to see if any of his friends were online that might have called to tell him, they were not. I then realized that someone with a "new profile" from our city with his age and no picture had just viewed me. BUSTED! I called him on it right away. He said he only opened that account so that he could see if I logged on. He even offered to give me that password so that I could see that my profile is the only one he viewed. I asked why he would care if I logged on since we are just friends! He is so crazy! He doesn't want to be with me but he goes on to check if I am moving on. He got so mad at me. He really plays with my mind. I told him that its enough. I can't handle the game of push and pull anymore with him cause its driving me nuts. He said he never wants to talk to me again and then later that night he messaged me again... I am moving on... This is to crazy and dramatic for me. And I know a lot of people feel like I have been acting desperate but these are the kinds of mixed signals he has been giving me for the last 2 weeks... He says i like you so much and you are amazing and then he says that he can't give me what I deserve. Then he tells me go date other people and then he freaks out when I go out with my friends to a club on saturday night with out him. Yes, i know we are not together but for some reason I don't want to make him mad. Anyways, I'm done with excuses, its time to move on....

Back to my date....

I agreed to meet him for bubble tea before work. We met for about 40 minutes. He was pretty good looking, a bit shorter then I would like and bald (which isn't really my thing). He was already there when I walked in and he didn't get up from the table when I walked over. I had to bend down to say hi... The conversation was okay. I could tell he was a bit nervous. I told him that I recalled a conversation a few weeks back where he told me that he was seeing someone too. He said "its a long story" I said "I have time". He asked me not to judge but told me that he is seeing a woman but she doesn't mind if he dates other girls. I told him that such a girl doesn't exist.... He finally disclosed that she is a married woman who will never leave her husband. Very classy. I told him that I wouldn't judge, only because I couldn't care less about her and already knew that this guy was not for me. I had to leave for work so he took care of the bill and asked if I would go on a proper date with him another time. I said ok. I don't think I will actually go but after him being persistent for 3 months I figured I would just say ok. I left and went to work and thought about crazy guy....

I know it doesn't make much sense... I know that he likes me and there is something holding him back. I tried to figure out what it was and he is obviously scared of something. I like him. Him and all his craziness... I obviously can not waste anymore time trying to figure him out or waiting til he "comes around". But it just sucks that guys let fear get in the way of their decisions....

Update 19- Just friends, no quotation marks

It has been exactly a month with him. This week was a bit insane.

As usual we got into a fight on Saturday afternoon. I noticed that he creates a fight every Saturday just before I am about to go out to a club with my friends. I even invited him to join but he said he couldn't. Then he told me that I only invited him because I knew that he couldn't come and that I wanted to go and pick up guys. (Please keep in mind that we are supposed to be "just friends"). I assured him (even though I shouldn't have) that I am not interested in picking up guys etc. I even brought my phone into the club, again, to message him while I was there. Wow, I am in a controlling relationship without the relationship...

Then one night this week he invited me to come over to his friend'e house where they were all hanging out. I did. I sat next to him on the couch and I was bbming my best friend. She was asking me if he was still being weird etc so I turned my phone to face the other direction cause I didn't want him to see what we were typing. All of a sudden I get a message from him (yes, he was still sitting right beside me). He asked me what was wrong. I wrote back nothing is wrong. He then excused himself and went into the other room and messaged me that he finds it very odd that I am hiding my phone from him and messaging someone else right in front of him and I better not deny that I am doing that. I told him that I am not having a messaging fight at his friends house while he is sitting in the other room and I offered to leave. He came back and we sat without speaking for another hour. There were a lot of people there so no one realized that anything was going on. After the movie ended we left together. As soon as we got outside I snapped. I said "Why didn't you pay attention to what your friend Sara was doing with her phone or what your friend Jordana was doing with her phone? Why am I the only "friend" who is lucky enough to have you pay such close attention to my every move? Why is it that I get the fighting part of a relationship from you but none of the good stuff? You keep saying we are friends and then you watch my every move and accuse me of going to pick up guys etc?" We fought back and forth, then we went into his car and drove around and talked for 3 hours. He told me that he is confused. He likes me a lot and is really scared to hurt me. He doesn't want to hold me back from dating other people but is unsure how he would react if I did. i said I didn't understand the concept of telling a girl that you like to go date other people. Then he started to talk about money (a conversation all too familiar to me) and it began to make more sense. He told me that right now he is in the middle of starting up a business and that all his money has been put into it. He needs to put all his time and effort into the business and he may have to start to travel a lot etc. He said he doesn't have the cash flow right now to be with me. I tried to remember back to when things went sour with him... He started to act weird and distant right after he saw my house... I explained to him that I do not like him because of what he has or doesn't have and that all the excuses he gave could have a solution. Like if he has to travel I could come visit him on the weekends etc. I told him that because of his own insecurities about money or not being good enough or whatever, he has been trying to sabotage us. But maybe he is right. Maybe he knows the truth. Maybe I would end up resenting him for not being able to go out for dinner or go on trips or buy nice things. Maybe I was lying to myself and he knew better. We fought some more that week. And we also hung out and had a few nice days together.

Friday was his birthday and he was going to have 20 friends over to celebrate. I asked if I could help and he said that his friends were taking care of everything. Well how convenient! I am one of his "friends"! I called up his best friend and asked what was going on for the party. he said e was going to pick up some hummus and pita and alcohol. I said "thats it?" he said ya, we are simple people and thats what we do. I asked if I could help him and he was more then happy to let me. We went out and bought lots of food (for me to prepare) and tons of decorations and decorated his condo while he was at work. He came home and got a bit mad at his friend for "letting me do all of this for him". I told him to just be quiet and let us do something nice for him. He said that he was worried that me doing all of this for him would build expectations. I told him there are no expectations and I am fully aware that we are "just friends". The day of the party I was cooking and baking at his place. His entire family ended up coming over to wish him happy birthday so I met all of them. They were so nice! His mom, dad, brother, sister-in law and niece and nephew. I made them food and we all talked and had a good time. I am sure they all had a million questions about what was going on between the two of us....

They left and I finished preparing everything and went to his room to shower and put on make up and change. When I came out a few friends had already arrived. They all complimented me on how I looked (even though he didn't). The entire night he was giving me credit for everything and telling everyone how much work I did etc. Everyone loved the food and kept telling him that I am so wife material. When I brought out the cake he made a speech thanking his best friend for helping organize the party and then he thanked me for doing the rest of the 98% of the party and how wonderful I am etc. Then he gave me a kiss in front of all his friends... I thought my "plan" (that I didn't realize until just then was a plan) was working!

After everyone left the two of us cleaned up and we went to bed. He told me that I could sleep over because he wanted me to drink and not drive home.

He had quite a bit to drink and was sick for most of the night. He kissed me good night and I fell asleep... Once again, nothing. I was a bit disappointed but refused to start anything as I was trying very hard to be "just friends" and show him that there were no expectations. We got up the next morning, finished cleaning up, I made us lunch and then he went to work. He sent me a message thanking me again and tonight he is going out for a "boys night" celebration of his birthday....

My best friend asked me the real reason I did so much for his birthday. I guess if I am being completely honest, there must have been underlying manipulation underneath my kind gestures. I wanted him to get a good look at what he was throwing away before I accepted that we were not going to be together. I wanted all his friends to see me in that light and when he tells them that he blew it, I want them to tell him how stupid he is. I want us not working out to be all his fault and not mine so that I do not need to take any responsibility for it and I can blame him (common pattern in my life).

I am done trying. Either we will be very good friends (cause I like hanging out with him and his friends) or he will find out that I am going to date other people, get mad and not want to talk to me at all. But in terms of us, we are officially just friends, no quotation marks!

So I am thinking of going back on jdate.... Do I tell him or just let him find out from one of his friends when they see me online?

P.S. You will never guess who I spoke to. Remember number 18? In the middle of a divorce with two kids...

He messaged me randomly (acting like he thought I was someone else) this week and then we talked on the phone for a bit. He made up some story that 2 days after he left here his phone got stolen so he didn't have my phone number or bbm contact but that he thought about me a lot. I didn't believe him but still talked to him... I still love how he talks to me and secretly wish I could see him again. WOW, I need some serious therapy!!!

Update 18- wtf?

So I know I said it was over between me and Gorgeous.... but its kind of not...

The day after we "ended" things, he messaged me to see how I was doing. My initial reaction was all ego, I was going to act like I did with doctor and pretend I was totally fine that it was over. But then I thought about it... Why do I have to be so macho, lol. I have nothing to lose so i may as well be honest with him and with myself. I wrote back that I was a bit sad that things didn't work out between us. He wrote that he didn't want me to be sad. Then he suggested that maybe we could be friends. I said sure, because I figured that is what all guys feel like they need to say after they end things, I never thought anything would come of it. We spoke on bbm the entire day as we normally do. Not even one day went by without spending the entire day messaging back and forth. The next day I had my therapy session and came to a few realizations. I was not done with him. I liked him. He was not anywhere close to perfect for me and probably not even a suitable match but I had no intentions of stopping. There was just something about him. Not just his looks. I have fun with him. I feel alive with him. We laugh. I can be myself. And he found a way into my head and into my heart (that I thought had a huge tall wall up around it). I decided I would give this friend thing a try. Like I said, I had nothing to lose. I messaged him after my session and asked him what he was doing ( I knew he wasn't working this Wednesday).

He told me that he was about to watch a movie and I could join him but he has to meet up with friends around 4. He was giving me a window of time... he has never done that before... I guess he wanted a way out in case things got ugly or I started to cry or whatever crazy shit he must be used to that made him so skeptical of women. I came over, he gave me a big hug and then that was it. I mean really.. thats it. We watched the entire movie sitting right next to each other and not so much as little brush against my arm. Zero physical contact. I was dying. I barely watched the movie. Why wasn't he touching me. How could it be that last week he is all over me and this week NOTHING?!?!? I was angry, mixed with extremely insecure. Then his friend came over and started to call all of their friends to invite them for sushi at 7 pm. He said to him in Hebrew (not knowing that I understand) "why don't you invite the girl for sushi"? He shot his friend a look as if to say be quiet and mind your own business you asshole. I felt so uncomfortable. His friend left and he turned to me and asked if I wanted to go out with him and all his friends for dinner. I said I don't know and that I would think about it. Then I asked him if he was sure that was even a good idea... All his friends...

He said that if he didn't want me there he would not have invited me and if I want to come I am more then welcome. I went. There were about 15 of his closest Israeli friends. They were all very loud but actually the nicest, warmest bunch of people. They all included me and made me feel very welcome. I did a lot of listening and not so much talking like I normally do. I remembered him once telling his friend not to date a specific girl because she was "stuck up, never offered to pay and thought she was a princess". So when the bill came I pulled out enough money to cover both of our meals. He didn't say anything. He just reached into his pocket and pulled out the same omount and handed it to the waiter. I turned to him and said that I wanted to treat him tonight. All he said was "put your money away now". I thanked him for dinner. After all, we were "just friends" and he did not need to pay for my dinner. After dinner most people went outside to smoke and he joined them (he does not smoke he just went out with them). I was left with his two best friends. To my advantage and his disadvantage they were drunk :) They told me lots of stuff that they were not supposed to say....

They told me that he is crazy about me. That he has not introduced a girl to the group in almost 3 years. That the last two weekends while he was on business, he talked about me non stop. They also told me that when an Israeli meets a :girl like me" he would get very scared. I am too good. I am "marriage material" and that is scary for a guy. They told me that they were routing for me and both really liked me with him. They told me to wait a bit and that he would come around. I explained to them that I appreciate what they are saying but that I am not a 20 year old girl with 5 years to wait until he "comes around". I said that he made it clear that we are friends so that it what we are. Then I said that it is bad that we are having this conversation and that he would kill them if he found out. Just as I said that, I tuned my head and him and the rest of the crew were staring at us through the window. He looked right at me and motioned for me to come outside. I told the guys that we are all dead!!!! His friend jsut said to tell him we were talking about soccer, lol. Yeah right! I got outside and he took his friend to the side and got mad at him. Then he came over to me and took off his jacket and put it around me cause I left mine in the car. He did it in front of all his friends. Also, that was one of things he said made him mad about me when we were having the break up talk. He said it bothered him that I expected him to put my jacket on all the time as if I was a princess, and here he was doing it cause he wanted to. It felt nicer this way :) We got into the car and he asked me what his friends said. I more or less told him.

He said that the last thing he wants is for me to get hurt. Its not fair of his friends to be giving me false hope and saying things that don't match what he is saying. I told him that I know his friends were drunk and that I will only believe what he tells me is going on. But I told him that I am a big girl and I am in charge of making sure I don't get hurt. He doesn't need to protect me. I also told him that it was super weird for me that we didn't touch once the whole night. He said that it took every once of his will power to be a gentleman and make sure he doesn't send mixed signals and hurt me. I once again told him I appreciate that but that I will worry about myself. He gave me a big hug and kiss on my forehead. We went to one of his friends houses and hung out. All the guys went to one house to play poker and all the girls and me and him and one other guy went to another house. I got along great with all the girls. They were so nice and kept complimenting me and how sweet and smart and pretty I was. He heard all of it :) One girl mentioned that her sex life was going down the drain. He barged into the conversation and asked if she ever initiated sex or did anything to improve the situation. She said she never initiates. He said that he hates it when girls put all the pressure on the guy and that he would never be able to stay with a girl that didn't initiate once in a while. Again, I listened and took mental notes. We went back to his condo and finished the movie we had started. We lay in his bed and still nothing. He didn't touch me. When the movie ended I decided once again that I had nothing to lose... I started to tickle his back. He lay on his side so I tickled his tummy too. That turned into lots of teasing and for almost an hour he fought it and didn't turn around to touch me or kiss me. I was the one to crack first. I turned him over lay on top of him and kissed him. It was so nice after the whole day build up! We fooled around a bit (no sex) and then we cuddled. he said that he really didn't mean for that to happen and that is not what he sees me as or wants me to be for. I told him that I wanted it and that it was okay. He said he was mad at himself for not being able to stop me. He is either the most sincere person ever or is playing the best game ever invented by a guy!

Guess what, either way, I don't care! I had a great day with him, he treated me with respect and I am very attracted to him and enjoy being with him (as a friend and as a lover). And with the pressure of figuring out the dynamics of the relationship gone, we were both so relaxed and calm and didn't fight once!

I went home, he messaged me to see if I got home safe (as usual) and wished me sweet dreams. Next day he messaged me again and I came over after work. I made us dinner and we watched TV, talked, laughed and I then I went home. We didn't do anything sexual but it wasn't awkward. He sort of cuddled while we watched TV and he kissed me on the lips good bye. And again messaged to make sure I was home safe.

So.... I have no idea where I stand with him and I honestly don't care! I am being myself, doing what I want and saying what I want and believing that what ever is meant to be will be.

It feels like this is how we should have started. As two people hanging out, enjoying each others company, getting to know each other and seeing where things go without trying to control or dictate the terms of the relationship after a week.

So although I am a bit confused, I feel happy. And isn't that what is most important?

Update 17

I wish I could say that week two was as good as week one....

While he was away on business he was messaging me and calling me constantly. I started to become aware of the fact that he was getting a bit possessive. If I didn't message him for a few hours he would get angry at me and ask me where I was and what I was doing that I couldn't take 5 minutes to write to him. I freaked out... I told him that I will not report to him and I will not be in a relationship where I can't go a few hours without talking to him. we had a serious talk about it. He said that at the beginning of a relationship two people should want to talk to each other all the time, they shouldn't be able to keep their hands off each other and want to spend lots of time together. Since most of my relationships have been with emotionally unavailable guys and I would have wished for them to be this in to me, I decided to give his way a try. I let my guard down and tried to embrace the fact that he really liked me and wanted to talk to me and be around me a lot. I started to get very attached. I know its only a short time but I tend to get attached quickly. He was once again hurt by the harsh way I reacted to his kindness. And once again he pulled back. He got back from his trip on Sunday night... when he got home I was already there with dinner ready because I knew that he had a long trip back. he was exhausted. After dinner we watched a movie and went to sleep. We spent the whole next day together. He was reserved and very distant. I tried to blame it on the fact that he was tired but I knew something was different. I tried hard to show him that I was in to him and that I wanted to try to make this work. I slept over again the next night. We fooled around a little bit but that's it. Barely any kissing or touching etc. It was really weird. The week before we were so passionate and crazy about each other and then a week later... nothing. He had to go away again for the next 5 days. We spent the weekend arguing and fighting over text (bbm). He told me that there were things that were bothering him about me. I made him tell me....

He said it bothered him that I was so close with my ex fiance.

It bothered him that I have many close guys friends that I hang out with (sometimes late at night)

It bothered him that I wanted a guy with money and that he doesn't have much of that right now while he is trying to build up his business

It bothered him that I said I never wanted to move out of the city I grew up in

It bothered him that we lost our chemistry in one week

and the list went on.....

I immediately became defensive and cold and with drawn. Some of that shit was hard to hear. I tried to explain myself and then decided its better not to. He sent me mixed messages the whole weekend. He tried being very mean and aggressive, hoping I would tell him to f off and not talk to me anymore... that didn't work. He tried telling me that he really cares about me and likes me but something doesnt feel right.... I asked him if he wanted out and he said no and then he told me that I should go out and date other people.... It was back and forth all weekend... He finally came home and called me. We talked. He said that he thinks I am a wonderful girl and feels like an idiot for not giving this more of a chance but he wouldn't feel right holding me back knowing how he feels about the situation. He said that he gave himself and opened up to me and I totally shot him down and soured the relationship for him....

There was no point arguing. It was too painful to try to sell myself or beg him to give us another try. So we decided to end it, very amicably, wishing each other well....

I had my reservations about him from the very beginning. I was terrified that I would fall for him and get in too deep to be able to get out. There were many red flags that I chose to ignore just because there was crazy chemistry and he was gorgeous. I threw my non-negotiable list out the window.... So when I hung up the phone I said to myself that G-d must have done for me what He knew I would not be able to do for myself... I was not meant to waste more time with this guy.. I am meant to be available to meet my soul mate...

I felt sad most of the day... I tried talking myself out of it but a feeling is a feeling and I was really upset. I don't know how many more of these mini failed relationships I can take. I get way too deep into them way to fast. I start planning a possible future after such a short time even when I see major red flags...

On top of all of it, I got into a fight with my ex fiance (who I am supposedly good friends with) and he said some really hurtful things about how it was hell to be with me and he doesn't know how anyone will be able to stand my controlling nature. I got up from the table, went into my car and drove the whole way home in tears....

My mom, trying to helpful, said stupid stuff as usual... I blew up at her and went to my room to cry some more...

I am feeling very emotional today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day....

My Twenty Eighth Date

Sorry I have been MIA for the last week.... Here is why:

A guy on jdate sent me a flirt so I messaged him. He had a picture from very far away so I couldn't see what he looked like but I could tell he had a very good body. He talked me into getting my bbm. We chatted on bbm for a while and then I told him I wanted to get into bed and didn't feel like typing anymore. He said he didn't feel like talking on the phone so I said no problem, I will call someone else good night. He said wait, you can call me... I said it was too late and that I was already on the phone. I could tell he was a player so I didn't mind being a huge bitch. He waited 20 minutes and then messaged me again asking if I was off yet. I said I was so he asked me to call him. I did. We talked til 4:30 in the morning. Some of our conversation was quite inappropriate... which I normally wouldn't do. But again, I figured that he was a player and this would never go anywhere so I could have a bit of fun for once in my life. The next day he messaged me and we talked again that night til the wee hours of the morning. The next day (Friday) he spent the day convincing me to come over. He told me that he doesn't take girls on dates but if I wanted to come over and "hang out" that I could. I told him that I'm not that kind of girl. I want a relationship and eventually marriage. I don't want meaningless sex. He convinced me to "live a little". I looked him up on face book and realized that he was GORGEOUS. Ok, gorgeous is an understatement. He might be the most beautiful man in the entire universe. He has a body that anyone would die to have or be with. And such a stunning movie star face. I decided if I was ever going to "live a little" it should be with him!

I agreed to go over. I went over at 5 PM knowing that I had to leave at 6 PM for Shabbat dinner. I told him that I wanted to meet and see if I was comfortable with him or not. He said okay. I went to his condo. He kissed me. I thought I could go through with it. I thought I could be promiscuous or slutty. I couldn't do it. I became shy and uncomfortable. He sat next to me and said that we could just hang out and talk if I was uncomfortable. I said that would be a better idea. We talked and talked and then I realized the time. I was late for dinner... He asked me if I could come back after. I said that I had a date planned for after dinner and that I couldn't come back. He said "what if I took you out on a date". I cancelled my date with the other guy.

Mr. "I don't take girls on dates" was taking me out on a date?!?!? Uh oh... I have been here before... We decided to meet at the theater for a 9:30 show. He messaged me at 9 and asked where I was, I said I was still at my grandmothers house. He got a bit annoyed and said that I am going to miss the movie. We got into an argument over bbm. He said that he can not believe he is at the theater waiting for a girl. I told him to relax and not to stress me out cause it was not going to make me drive any faster. The argument continued when I got to the theater. I told him not to ever rush me cause I hate that and he told me not to make him wait cause he hates that. It was so weird. I could be myself. I didn't pretend to be the "perfect Jewish housewife" like I normally do when I am trying to get a guy. I was able to be my hot headed self.... We saw the Valentine movie and it was fun. I went back to his house and we kissed and cuddled and watched TV. He was very respectful of my comfort level. He walked me to my car and told me to call him when I get home safe. He is such a typical Israeli man, I love that kind of protective nature. MAJOR TURN ON! He asked what I was doing Saturday night. I told him I was going clubbing with my best friend. He asked if he could take me for dinner first. First a movie, then dinner, two nights in a row???? What is going on here??? He picked me up from my house- I never let guys do that but he insisted that it is a man's job to pick up a woman for a date. We had sushi and then my friend picked me up from his place and I went out with her. I thought about him while I was out. I tried not to, cause I am not supposed to be falling for another player... but I did. Sunday I spent the day with him downtown. we were very cute and affectionate while we were out. We were like one of those couples that makes people want to barf from how lovey dovey we were acting. We had tickle fights and we made out everywhere and held hands and it was like we were the only two people around. Really... I didn't notice anyone else. We went for dinner and then I had to go to work. I mentioned that my throat was hurting and he told me to come over after I was done work. When I got there, he had picked up chicken soup for me. I stayed over late and he was being very sweet and taking care of me. The next day we hung out again...

We had a difficult conversation that night. He asked me if I was still dating other people. I told him that I wasn't but that I wanted to keep my options open. I was brutally honest with him about my fears. I told him that I don't trust him. I think he is a player and I think he will hurt me if I let him too close. I told him that I want to find a husband not a fling and I didn't think he was financially ready for a marriage. I told him I was trying to break my cycle of dating good looking players and I wanted to find a nice secure responsible, possibly even a bit dorky, professional man who wants to settle down. He was crushed. he was so hurt that I said all that to him and I felt terrible after. I don't have a filter on my stupid mouth. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that he was trying to show me that he was not a player and that he actually respects me and is treating me differently. We talked until really late and I ended up spending the night. He was reserved and had taken 10 steps back from me. I said we should just take it slow and not plan or define anything so early on. I told him that despite what I have said out loud, I have spent the last 4 straight days with him and was obviously seeing something in him that was keeping me around. The next day he was still reserved but we spent most of the day together. He had to leave early the next morning to go away for business for 5 days. We had a really great talk that night that somehow ended in a very hot shower scene :) I know this is going to sound insane but it was one of the most liberating feelings ever. Let me explain... I am insane about my hair. It takes 2 hours to do and I do it twice a week. I had just done it and he convinced me to wet it in the shower. I don't go swimming, I miss out on water sports at the cottage, I even hesitate to go out if its raining because of my hair... and I wet it and I enjoyed myself and I felt so free. At that moment I changed my mind about him. I felt like I wanted to give him a chance and stop being such a hard ass with him.

As I left, I told him to have a safe trip and that I didn't want to date anyone else...

I am going to remain a bit cautious while enjoying every minute of him!!!!

This was week one... Here we go again!

FYI- My Ex-Fiance

I mentioned my ex Fiance briefly in a previous post and got a few emails asking what the story was with him so I will quickly explain. I don't want to confuse anyone... I was with my Ex Fiance from age 20-25 (and I was with my non Jewish Ex from 25- 26.5). I met him when I was 20. When I met him he was in active addiction. We started off as "friends" and I thought I could to save him... We spent everyday together and very quickly fell in "love". I became completely co-dependent over him. I don't want to get into it (that relationship can be a book on its own!) but I was in many scary situations with him in the first year of our relationship. He overdosed a bunch of times, I would go look for him at 3 in the morning in terrible parts of the city, drug dealers that he owed money to would call me looking for him etc. Long story short, I found a program called Al-Anon, got enough courage to set boundaries with him, he had some crazy stuff happen to him and he went to treatment and got clean. In the meantime, I became interested in the field of addiction, did my undergrad thesis on it, started working for an organization that helped addicts and then the two us together started programs to help teenagers get into recovery. Our program was so successful and has helped many teens change their lives and get off drugs. When I was 25 he proposed to me. It felt wrong. I so badly wanted to get married that I said yes and started to plan the wedding. I went away to school to do my Masters and met my non Jewish guy and called off the wedding.

I was honest with him about my fears of marrying him and he understood. He loved me enough to want the best for me. And he knew that he wasn't the best for me. We fought a lot and although he was sober, we still had the same addict/codependent relationship that we had while he was using. It was not healthy for either of us. Today he is 5 years clean and sober and he is doing amazing and I am so proud of him!

We are still best friends, we work together and hang out all the time and care a lot about each other but have no romantic feelings for each other. Well, at least I don't! And if he does, he respectfully hides it very well! It is because of him that I do what I do professionally and a big part of who I am today!

So that's the scoop about my Ex Fiance! Today we are both very grateful that we did not get married to each other! We both agree it would have been a disaster that would have ended in divorce or murder! We are much better as friends!

My Twenty Seventh Date

The guy from the club (the one that my cousin had tried to set me up with a long time ago) called me and bbm'd me every day since Saturday night. We were finally able to pick a day to meet up. Our schedules conflicted so we agreed on lunch. We met on a street near his office that has many restaurants to choose from. When I got there, I parked and waited in the car. He came up to the window and opened my door. He was on the phone. He mouthed to me that I should choose which place I wanted to eat at. I started walking to a place and he followed. Still didn't say a proper hello. We got in line and he remained on his phone. So I got on my phone. It was very weird. We got a table and sat down. He finally got off the phone. We talked and ate. There was no connection. He was nice but thats about it. I was not attracted to him and found it terribly rude that he couldn't put down his phone. I'm not sure if he did it cause he had to or if it was to try to show me how busy and important he was. Either way it was a major turn off. He walked me to my car (once again on the phone) gave me a kiss on the cheek and gave me that hand signal for "call me". Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure I will call you!!! He bbm'd me for a few days after that and drunk dialed me one other time but I think he realizes that we didn't click. He is the same age as me and is quite immature. He gets drunk a lot which is a huge turn off for me and he is just not my type....

Plus he will probably have ear cancer in a few years from all that chatting!!!!

My Twenty-Sixth Date

I spoke to this guy for a while on the phone. We realized that we had conflicting schedules for most of the week except Sunday (valentines day). I felt kind of weird about it cause it was the "day of love" but he seemed nice so I agreed to meet him for bubble tea.

I work until 9 on Sundays so I told him we could meet after. I also told him that at 11 I needed to go downtown with my best friend because I had promised her we would go to a valentines day party. He said that was fine by him. I met him and he did not look like his picture. He explained that he had just gotten a bad hair cut earlier that day. How convenient... Also he was short.

Anyways, the conversation was pretty good. He asked a lot of questions and seemed interested in what I had to say.

i realized something about myself. When I am "just not that into a guy" I act very tough and almost aggressive. When I am into a guy, like with the doctor, I act sweet and nurturing. This will be a good indicator for me to know if I like someone or not! I can just pay attention to how I am acting and I will know if I am into them.

He payed and walked me to my car. There was no talk of seeing each other again and the good bye was a bit awkward.

I went out with my best friend and got a bbm message at 3 in the morning from him. "how was your night". WHAT NOT TO DO!!! Do not message a girl you just met at 3 am on the same night that you just went out with her especially if she didn't seem that into you after the date! I didn't respond. The following day he phoned me and said...

"Hey... So I am new to this whole online dating thing and I am not sure what the protocol is. I told my friend that I met this amazing girl and asked him if I should call you today. he told me that I should wait a few days or else I will seem desperate but I think he is wrong and decided to call you anyways. "

I could have ignored him but I remembered how shitty it felt to be left in the dark and unsure of how the other person feels. Plus he was a really nice guy. He was a bit socially awkward but there was no reason to be mean to him. Plus it is easier if he knows the truth so that he can move on and not keep embarrassing himself. I have decided its mean not to let someone know that you are not interested in them. So I sent him a message.

I said "hey, I had a great time with you but unfortunately I did not feel a connection. I think you are a great guy and I hope you find your soul-mate soon!"

He wrote back a whole long message saying thanks and that I am wonderful etc and he hopes the same for me too! It went perfectly! I felt great for letting him know and not leading him on! I hope that will help clear up some of my crappy kharma!

The club was so fun! I bumped into a guy that I have known since high school. We have both always had a "thing" for each other but I was never single! He is gorgeous and actually kind of famous! He is sooo not the marriage type but man is he hot! We ended up kissing good night and he has been messaging me to hang out. maybe I need a mini distraction from the "Husband Hunt" that I seem to be on... and I can't think of a better/hotter choice! So it looks like now I have two fun distractions (both not from jdate, woo hoo!)

Update 16

My Valentine's day started off with a message from the doctor (date number 24). "Hey... I just wanted to wish you a happy valentines day. I hope you enjoy it. XO". I wrote back "thanks you too". But my phone got messed up and it never went through! I took that as a sign that I was not supposed to write back so even when my phone started to work again, i didn't resend it. I don't know why I am being so nice to him. If he really wanted me to enjoy valentines day then why the F did he break up with me two days before valentines day? Why am I such a people pleaser with him? Anyways, as far as he knows I got his message and didn't reply and I have not heard from him since. Probably for the best.

Next, I spoke with a colleague of mine (another therapist) about my ex. I told him that my ex emailed me last week. We have not been in contact for 2 months. I ignored the email he sent me after one month of not communicating but I was not able to ignore this one. It was an email with a very sad undertone. He told me that he wanted to be friends, felt ignored and wondered why. He told me that he has never cared for anyone as much as he cared about me. He said that being around me made him feel like he wanted to be a better person. he told me about his family and that his grandfather had hurt himself and that his brother was turning 18 etc.

I wrote back the following:

I don't mean to be disrespectful I just found it pointless to ask for something I was already getting (space from you).

I have a lot of resentments to work out before I will ever be ready for a friendship with you.

I still hope you are doing well.

At first I wrote that back because I thought it was best for both of us. He is usually the one that does stuff that is in our best interest even though it may be painful. And this time it felt like it was my turn. I knew things with the doctor were on the rocks and I didn't want to open up the door with my ex and run back to him for comfort after things ended with the doctor. I also think that he is dating someone and I swore I would never be what his ex was to me to any other girl that he dates. I hated when he talked to her and I don't want his new girl to be upset when he talks to me. Also, I know that after such a short time with her he does not feel strongly enough for her to sustain a relationship while talking to me. So I thought that I wrote that cold email for us to move on and find happiness... i thought I was the martyr.... Til I talked to my colleague.

After we spoke I realized I am so g-d damn angry at my ex. I am still hurt and still wounded. Why the hell did he have to email me and mess up "how great I was doing". (Was I really doing that great if his email effected me?) He wants to be "friends"??? I don't need another friend! I have no interest in being his damn friend! How dare he try to "rope" me back in by telling me about his grandparents, who I adore, knowing full well that I would want to make sure his grandfather is doing okay. Sooo manipulative! How dare he contact me when I am trying to move on and be happy with someone else? Why did he disrespect his new girl and contact me? Had he done this to me with his ex while we were together? And I am still pissed off about that picture of him and his ex while we were still together and he went to Spain and saw her.

And then there is the pain part... why didn't he love me enough to convert and move here and start a life with me? Why did he choose to be so stubborn and set in his ways instead of choosing to love me and make me happy? Why did he want me to choose between him and my family when he could have given me both? Why did he have to be such a selfish person?

Valentines Day was a bit painful when I remembered where I was last year at this time. We were together in Europe. In love.

I am torn between anger/resentment and sadness.

A part of me wants to tell him to screw off and leave me alone forever and the other wants nothing more then to be in his arms and weep together. I know the healthier thing to do is to stay out of contact with him. And I do want to be healthy and move on. I know that we are not meant to be together and I know he is not what I need or want for my future. So why would I bother talking to him? I will try to deal with my resentments and anger and sadness using other people (therapist, colleagues, friends etc) and not him.

Its best for both of us if we don't speak. At least I think it is......

My Twenty-fifth Date

And... back to jdate... kill me with a knife!!!!

No. Just no! We made plans to meet at 1 PM for coffee as he is a "very busy man" but really wants to meet me. I agreed. I told him to call me at 11 AM so that we could chose a place to meet. He called me at 10:o0 on Saturday morning and woke me up. I was a bit irritated. He asked if we could move our date up to 12:30. I said okay. I got there at exactly 12:30 and phoned him to see if he was inside yet. He told me that he was running a bit late and would be there soon. I waited inside like an idiot. At least I had my book to keep me entertained! He walked in at 12:55! He is the one that asked to move it to 12:30 and then he shows up at 1 anyways??? Are you serious?!?! If I didn't have my book, I would have left for sure. Anyways.... He was a very tall and quite good looking guy. He had a very European look going on.... long hair, long black coat, Italian looking boots.... Not really my look. He sat down, and did not even apologize for being late. We talked about what I do and then he started to make fun of addiction. I couldn't believe it! He was saying things like, I think those people are just weak. I don't believe that they can't stop using drugs on their own and that people need to pay so much for rehab and drug counselors! I was shocked that he said all that to me. We had a brief debate about the topic and then I dropped the subject cause he was irritating me with his snooty, know-it-all responses. He told me that he had just taken the last 3 years to travel the world. I said that was really cool. He said, if you like traveling then you would LOVE the book I just wrote about my experiences traveling. I don't get the correlation!!! I do like traveling but I have zero interest in reading a book that you wrote and find it egotistical that you assume I would want to! (Don't worry, I said that last part in my head, not out-loud!) Then after about an hour he says that he has to get going because he is going to Paris tomorrow for a job interview! Why would he squeeze in a date just before he is thinking of moving to Paris??? What a mental case! I mentioned to him that my best friend is a corporate event planner and so he gave me his card and told me to have her give him a call because he "throws parties for very important people all the time". Ewww, so pretentious! And so not impressed! When I got home, I had an email from him waiting in my inbox. He told me that he had a wonderful time and that I was the most feminine woman he had seen in years and thought I was beautiful. He also attached a copy of his book. I didn't write back and I read the first page of his book and hated it...

In the meantime, my best friend and I went out for dinner and to an amazing club together. I am having so much fun being single with her!!!! I saw so many people that I knew and bumped into a guy that my cousin once tried to set me up with but I was with my ex at the time so we never ended up meeting. He is pretty cute and he called me right after he left the club that night. I don't think he is my type but he is a fun distraction in the meantime!

So.... I will just keep searching! I know he is out there!