Thursday, December 24, 2009

Update 7

You are not going to believe what happened with date 18 aka Player. After I sent him the text message, I decided to do a bit of digging. I have been dating players most of my life and have become quite the expert at finding out lies and secrets. I noticed that his jdate profile was updated and when I checked it I noticed a few changes.... First change was that he was no longer listed as "single man looking for woman" he was now listed as "divorced man seeking woman". The second change was that he was no longer listed as a "conservative Jew" he was now listed as "Culturally Jewish but not practicing" ( he had told me that he loves Judaism so much and that he would only be married by an orthodox rabbi cause Judaism is sooo important to him). He was no longer listed as having a "Masters Degree" and was now listed as having a "Bachelors Degree" (pun intended!!!).
The best thing I found out by realizing that we have a common friend was that he is also a father on two with joint custody!!!! Hello LIAR! Instead of getting angry I decided to see the positive in this situation. The first positive is that he obviously does have a heart and realized that what he did was wrong and thus changed his profile to be more honest. The second is that perhaps his intentions were to come visit and sleep with a pretty girl but once he met me he realized that I am a sweet respectable girl and he didn't even try to take advantage. The third is that he stopped talking to me right away because if he kept playing me I would have gotten way deeper in and gotten way more hurt at the end. The way I am deciding to see this is that although his intentions were probably bad to begin with, he met me and liked me and realized that he had shot himself in the foot. How could he now come out and tell me that he had been lying this whole time, he took the cowards way out and disappeared. For my own closure and sanity I decided to write him an email. Not sure if it was the right or wrong thing to do but to be honest I don't care cause it makes absolutely no difference!

Here is the email I sent:
I'm not sure if you will read this or not and perhaps you will even read it and have a good laugh. I don't mind. I couldn't possibly feel more foolish then i already do.
I have obviously figured out by now that you are "just not that into me" and normally I would just accept that and move on (even though it has never really happened before). But I feel compelled to tell you that what you did was really cruel and I have no idea why you even bothered to talk to me and then meet me and promise me the world. You completely made up a fake person and told me everything I wanted to hear. I was being totally real with you the entire time and I bought everything you were saying (thats my naiveness I guess).
The reason for this email is not to get anything from you its simply to let you know that you do have a way with girls and have the ability to affect them and surprisingly enough, I was really sad and hurt when you disappeared with no explanation. Maybe I am the one girl who is not too proud to be vulnerable and honest and tell you that I actually liked you and got hurt.That being said, I really hope that you will consider being honest with a girl before you go out with her. Tell her that you are not looking for anything serious and just want to have fun, or stop dating until you are really ready to do all those wonderful things you promised me you would do.
I think somewhere underneath all your baggage you were probably hurt very badly one time and this is how you are handling it. I also think its impossible to totally make up who you are which means some of what you told me must be true. So I do not think you are a bad person and I still wish you all the best and hope one day you will be ready to receive real love and you will be comfortable enough with your truth to tell it to her (whoever she may be).
A part of me wishes we never met, another part wishes you were for real and another part feels that perhaps we met for a reason and maybe that reason is to ask you to please stop playing your game and then maybe you can find real happiness. B'Hatslacha.

I would say that I miss you and really like you but you are not real.

So goodbye...

He removed his profile off jdate the very next day. I never heard from him again which is good. I know what happens to me when I decide I like a guy. I can be convinced of almost anything. In my past I was convinced to stay with guys who cheated and guys who used heavy drugs. More recently I was considering celebrating Christmas (which went against my beliefs) all because of love. And if this guy led me on for long enough, who knows, I may have considered being a step mom at 26 years old!!

No more settling!!! I need to grow up! I can't be a stupid 16 year old who keeps falling for players who will make me question and challenge my own non- negotiable list. No liars, no cheaters, no players, no party-ers, no daddys, nobody else's husbands/boyfriends! No guys that I need to change or mold into my ideal mate. No body that will need to convert to make me happy. No body that will need to stop using drugs or change their life style to make me happy. I will be patient and wait until I find my perfect match, my bashert, my soul-mate..............................

Saturday, December 19, 2009

My Nineteenth Date

I started talking to him on the phone the day that my ex and I decided to stop talking. We seemed to have much in common, both recently out of a relationship with a non-Jew and both ended for that reason. We seemed to really click over the phone. I enjoyed talking to him and he was very intelligent. He had a bit of an interesting family dynamic which meant that he was not perfect and to be honest that was a relief. I had been talking to him on the phone for a few days (I decided that this helps make the first date less awkward). Before we had a chance to go out on a date, we actually bumped into each other at a party that was hosted by Jewish promoters. I recognized him and said hi. I was a bit disappointed. I was in very high heels which made him seem shorter then he admitted to and he wasn't the best looking guy in the world. The truth is that he was supposed to be date number 18 but in the meantime I had started talking to Player and was less eager to meet him. After I realized Player was too good to be true, I gave myself a little lecture. This guy was everything that Player claimed to be except that he was real and honest and genuine. He may not be as good looking but perhaps that would turn out to be the best thing about him! I was so mad at myself for being so superficial and not giving him a fair chance. He called me or text messaged me everyday and we continued to talk. I was really enjoying our conversations. We decided to meet for lunch. I drove to the area that he worked in and we went out for lunch together. We discovered that we both LOVE this particular restaurant and we both order the same thing (except he gets chicken and I get veal). We both order extra sauce on the sandwich and extra sauce on the side! Since it was lunch time and we were both not that hungry we decided to share a chicken sandwich. Yes, I compromised and tried his favorite and actually loved it! Lunch was short but fun. We continued to talk on the phone and met a second time for coffee before he had to leave for Israel. Another very ironic thing since I was wanting to go there. On our second date, he surprised me with a book. We had been chatting about the ship Exodus (a very famous ship that my grandmother was on after the Holocaust) and he bought me a book about it. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hate reading history books and besides I thought that it was so thoughtful of him! Although I don't have that insane chemistry with him, I like him a bit more each time we talk and each time I see him. He left for Israel and will be gone for about 2 weeks but hopefully we will stay in touch via email. In the meantime I will still be open to dating others as I have far from decided how I feel about him. But I am really glad that I didn't go with my first instinct and that I gave him another chance.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

My Eighteenth Date.

I randomly messaged a guy that I had added to msn about a month ago from jdate. I vaguely remembered speaking to him and I recalled that his profile picture was cute. We started chatting and he asked if he could call me. It was weird but I felt a connection even from the brief chat so I gave him my number. We spoke for about an hour and then I had to go for dinner with my family. He added me to his blackberry messenger so that we could chat later on. He lives about 6 hours from me but said that he comes to my city every 2 weeks for business and would be coming in very soon. That night he messaged me and then called me and we spoke until 4 am. He said everything right. He told me that my pictures were gorgeous and that he couldn't wait to meet me. He called me endearing names in Hebrew, which I loved! He told me all about his family and I told him about mine. He seemed like everything I would want on paper, the missing piece was whether or not we had physical chemistry. His pictures were cute but I have been disappointed before... So I remained a bit skeptical. He was quite a bit older then me, almost 9 years but told me that he was very young at heart. He seemed to be smart, successful, TALL, sweet, respectful, and just an all around good person. The next day he messaged me and I actually got butterflies in my stomach! I was so excited to hear from him and it has been a long time since a guy has made me feel like that! I started to make it "meant to be" in my head. I thought, maybe g-d made the closure with my ex so that I could properly receive love from this guy. He matched exactly what I said i was looking for. He was the right age to want no bullshit and to just find the one and get married. It really seemed perfect... So much so that the number 18 is a very significant number in Judaism and two other guys cancelled this week making him date number 18!

There have been various mystical numerological speculations about the fact that, according to the system of Gematria, the letters of chai add up to 18. For this reason, 18 is a spiritual number in Judaism, and many Jews give gifts of money in multiples of 18 as a result. In the Hebrew language, the word chai (חַי) spelled by these two letters means "living," is related to the term for "life," chaim, and also appears in the slogan "`am yisrael chai!" (עַם יִשְׂרָאֵל חַי, "The people of Israel live!" (Wikipedia).

We spoke the next day a few times and then again that night until 3 am. We even spoke and text messaged each other the next day. He was talking as if we were together and it felt comfortable and nice. He told me that he had a meeting in my city in two days and that he was coming in and wanted to see me. He arrived at 7:30 pm and by 8 we were together. I let him pick me up, which I NEVER do! As soon as I got into his car there was such a sense of relief because he was actually really good looking which made him the perfect complete package! We went out for coffee and as we were ordering he gave me a kiss on my forehead (that is one of my most favorite things). I was totally hooked, lol. I told him on the phone that I do not kiss on the first date so as we were sitting down he said "make sure you keep your hands to yourself because I don't kiss on the first date!" He was charming and funny and sexy! It took me maybe 10 minutes before we kissed and the kiss was awesome! He was talking about marriage and that he hopes our kids would look like me. OMG a guy who is not afraid to talk about marriage!!! Where has this man been hiding all my life! Or maybe G-d was saving him for when I was ready! We drove around my area a bit and we were looking at homes that were for sale. He told me that he would buy me whichever one I wanted and that he could give me a very nice life. He told me that he wanted to take care of me, even though he knew that I was an independent woman on my own. Everything he was saying seemed like the fairy tale ending I was hoping for. We went back to my house, I have NEVER let anyone even see where I live let alone come in on a first date! He met my mom and my sister and even my dog, who usually barks at everyone, did not bark at him. We kissed a lot and there was passion and chemistry and I could not believe that this was really happening! I made sure to keep my bedroom door open for two reasons, I didn't trust him not to try anything and I didn't trust myself not to want what he might try. We had a really great night but it was late and he had to get back to his friend's place and had a very early meeting in the morning.
He told me that after the meeting he would call me and take me for lunch. He called me at lunch time and told me that the meeting went very well and that he and his business partner needed to head back to the office to start on the order right away and that he will try to get back here to see me as soon as he could. I didn't here from him the entire 6 hour drive back and by that time I was already at work. When I finished work at 10 pm I had a voice mail from him saying that his phone battery had died so he couldn't call me the whole way home but that he was home now and wanted me to message him when I was done work and then he promised to call to say good night. I messaged him at about 11 and he said that he was jumping into the shower and would call me very soon. He didn't call that night. I didn't hear from him the next day or evening. I finally decided that I have nothing to lose, he doesn't even live near me, so I messaged him. I asked him if he had fallen in the shower last night. He said "oh babe, i am so sorry, I crashed right after the shower in bed and work has been insane today. I use the "work is really busy" line on guys that I am not interested in seeing again. I said "ok, talk to you soon then," knowing full well that I had been played. Perhaps its Karma coming back to bite me in the behind after doing this to a bunch of the guys that I had been on dates with. Perhaps I am supposed to take a few valuable lessons out of this.... Guys lie. And if it seems to good to be true, it often is. Also, I am more naive then i thought I was and I need to be a bit more cautious of the players. My final clue to this story was that I was driving on the highway today and saw a license plate that had his initials and then the word player! so if his name was John Smith, the license plate was JSPLAYER... Thanks for the clear sign G-D!
I will admit that I was disappointed and let down but he must have served some important purpose in my process and on my journey so I still wish him well and secretly hope that he really is just "busy with work"....

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Update 6

Since my last update about a week ago, I have not talked to my ex. I felt, from the moment that he said I can not come to see him for Christmas, that we were over forever. I have deleted or blocked him for all forms of communication. I have not logged into skype or gchat or msn or anything since that day. I feel a sense of relief. I feel as though he came into my life for a very specific reason. He taught me so much. He made me believe in true love. He showed me what is was like to be treated kindly and with respect. He also showed me how much I love my religion and what I was willing to sacrifice for it. I think that he is one of the most wonderful people in the world (minus his stubbornness) and I wish him only good things. I have a few resentments but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a specific divine reason that he let me go. It was the most bizarre thing. I went to the rabbi, I prayed for clarity, he was randomly home on a day that he usually works and I was randomly awake super early in the morning, and he could not have been more clear in saying that we are done. It felt like the right time for him to say it and the right time for me to hear it. I was way to scared to make a decision and so he made it for us. And for that I thank him. I asked the rabbi why he thought that I wasn't the one to say it and he told me that he believes that sometimes G-d does for us what we are not strong enough to do for ourselves. The truth is that even if he converted, I still had a few other worries about spending the rest of my life with him. We had different goals and dreams. I want to raise a family and although he says he does to, there is a huge part of him that I feel would never be truly happy settling down in Suburbia and putting in the 9-5 hours needed to survive. He is a free spirit and I am a calculated and organized person, that likes to plan for the future. So in the meantime I will keep dating and keep praying for my Bashert (soul mate). By the way, I was a HUGE skeptic of this whole praying thing but it is actually quite therapeutic and helps organize thoughts and for me is actually working. I feel confident that there is a big plan out there for me and that the less I try to control it, the better it will be and the more I will appreciate it. I am strongly considering going to Israel very soon as everything the rabbi has suggested has been a good decision so far.

I read over a bunch of comments left by people and I really just want to say thanks! Your insight has been so helpful and I truly appreciate the support. I agree with all of you who have been saying that there is no way i can fully put myself out there while I am communicating with him and since I have stopped (I know its only been a week but it feels for real this time) I feel more open to finding someone else to be close to. I also have really taken a look at what I want for the future and having a Jewish home and a Jewish family, I have decided, is very high on my list. I need someone who has the same outlook on life as I do and I hope he is out there looking for me right now.

Wish me luck!

Monday, December 14, 2009

My Seventeenth Date.

How do I explain this one... He could not have done anything more "right" on our date. When I walked in he got up from his seat and took off my jacket. He told me that I looked nice. He even got me a Hanukkah gift that directly related back to a joke I made when we talked on the phone last week (it was pink socks.. long story). He was polite and respectful the entire evening.
The truth is that without attraction it didn't matter what he did or didn't do. I had already decided that I did not like him. I don't know if this is mean or shallow or what but it is just the way it is. If a guy I "clicked" with did all these things, I would have melted and fallen in love on the spot. But when this guy did it, it almost felt weird and uncomfortable for me.
I did learn something about myself on this date. I know that I am "just not that into him" when I stop watching what I say and I let it all out. For example, I told him that I am bitchy and moody most of the time, I told him that I go to therapy for my severe control issues and I even told him that he seemed too nice which is usually a target for me to be extra mean.
Now picture a guy maybe 5'8 and about 130 pounds telling me that he can handle me and that he is really tough and wants to take on the challenge of taming me. I nearly fell off my seat laughing!!!
After about an hour he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else to continue our date, i told him that I was way to tired and needed to get home. He said "I thought you told me that you were a night owl and liked to stay up late". GET THE HINT BUDDY!!! Don't try to catch me in a lie and make me explain to you that yes I am a night owl I just don't want to hang out with you anymore. Just gracefully take the hint and leave with some pride and dignity. Not this guy... Nope, this guy walks me to my car and tries to "sexily" grab my chin and leans in for a kiss. Are you kidding me?? Who is this guy and where did he get the guts (or maybe the lack of social cues) to feel like he could get away with that? I pulled back and again, trying to be polite, told him that I never kiss on a first date and that I am not that "kind" of girl. Does he let that one go? Hell no! He says, " you've never kissed on a first date? Not even one person? Not ever?" Ahhhhhh! I wanted to scream. I told him that I once did and then I never talked to that guy again cause I found him so disrespectful. So he says "well then I will make you a deal... we wont kiss tonight but then you have to promise me a second date so that we can kiss!" Bahahahah, Its a deal little man!
Yes, these guys actually exist and guess what.. you can find them on jdate!!! Kill me!!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Update 5

Since my last update, my conversations with my ex have been more frequent and more intense. We started to say "I love you" again and have opened up about our feelings for each other. I know when this happens, he gets scared and tries to protect himself from getting hurt. This is the same reason that we went on a no talking break last month. In a sick way, I have been waiting for the ball to drop cause things were going to well and starting to feel really nice and comfortable again.
I went to the Rabbis house last night and spoke with him and his wife until almost midnight. I got a lot of insight and had a really interesting conversation with them. I explained that I was so confused and that I couldn't decide if I think that being with a non Jew was a sin or not. I also couldn't decide how I would know if G-d wants me to be with my ex or not. The Rabbi recommended that perhaps I should take a trip to Israel to learn a bit more to clarify some of my questions. He said that for some reason he feels very strongly that I need to go to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and just pray there. He told me that he thinks I should go as soon as possible. He gave me some really interesting insight into his theories of how G-d tests us and how different things are weighed differently for different people. He told me that he felt that I was being tested right now. He told me to pray for more clarity and I did. Then, talk about divine intervention... I woke up really early today and set out to meet my cousin downtown, but there was a huge snowstorm and traffic was so bad that it would have taken me 3 hours to get there so I turned around and came back home. On the other side of the world, my ex randomly decided to switch his day off with someone and just so happened to be at home today as well. So we spoke. We had both avoided discussing the issue of seeing each other in two weeks over the Christmas vacation. He brought it up today saying that I can not come and that he does not believe that we are meant to be. I felt such a sense of relief. I prayed for clarity and my ex could not have spelled it out anymore clear than that. Although I was a bit disappointed in myself that I did not have the courage to say how I was really feeling about seeing him and I once again left the deciding up to someone else, I still felt relieved. I told him about what the Rabbi had said and I told him that I agreed that seeing each other would be like re-opening a wound. I didn't say much to him on the phone. I was pretty quiet for the most part. He told me that its too painful to keep up the false hope of being together when nothing seems to be changing or pointing in that direction. He had to go to some appointment so he cut the conversation short by telling me that despite everything and despite how I might be feeling right now, he cares about me and loves me. I said okay and hung up.
After I hung up I began to cry. I asked my mom to come to my room and she held me and cried with me. It was the first time that she has been able to truly put her feelings aside and be sad for me just because I was in pain. It felt like I was getting my mom back. I think we really needed that moment after all the resentment and animosity that has been between us for the last 2 months.
I am sad but relieved. I was doing great while we were not talking to each other for 2 weeks and then he had to go and message me and I got roped back in. I have not been able to fully date with an open mind and I recognize this. I have been comparing everyone to him while looking at him in a very perfect light, which made it close to impossible for the first 16 guys. I need the strength to keep myself from talking to him and to help myself to heal.
Although I still don't know what the future holds for me, I owe it to myself and to him to do this right.
So "G-d, please guide me. Give me the strength to do what I need to do to be happy. Please help me along this difficult process and help me find the right path, whatever it may be. Help me love myself and give myself what it is that I was looking to get from my ex. And please (when I am ready)help me find my Bashert (soul mate), who ever he may be". Amen.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

My Sixteenth Date.

I originally had plans to meet him on Tuesday after work. I told him that I would call him when I finished but I ended up having to stay a lot later and then realized that I did not even remember to bring his phone number with me. So when I got home, I wrote him an e-mail to explain the situation and to apologize. He said it was no problem and we rescheduled. I met him for bubble tea. It is one of my favorite bubble tea places in the city. He said he was an amateur bubble tea drinker and asked for some guidance in ordering. I will have to admit that he was really funny. He kept me laughing for most of the evening. His sense of humor was very similar to mine. We talked about our families and laughed about their quirks and about our fathers Israeli accents. I actually had a really great time. I couldn't tell if he was successful because he explained what he did and I have no idea if its a 20K a year type of job or a 200K a year type of job cause I had never really heard of it before. Not that I am a gold digger (cause I am quite financially independent) but there is a significant difference between 20 and 200. The only real issue was that I was not really attracted to him. I kept thinking the whole time that it was such a shame that there was no chemistry and I kept thinking about who I could set him up with so that such a good guy would not go to waste! It's not that he was bad looking, he was a good height and weight, dressed well, had good hair and pretty good features, its just that I didn't find him attractive. I couldn't picture kissing him (its my secret test of attraction... can I picture myself kissing him with out barfing a little). He didn't pass that test. He paid for our tea and walked me to my car. We hugged goodbye. He asked me for my number and I told him that I do not like to give it out. I was thinking that maybe I should give it to him cause he would be an awesome funny friend but then decided not to. He emailed me the next day asking for a second date. I figure I have noting to lose so I agreed to go out one more time, after all, I did have a good time and who knows maybe I will hook him up with one of my friends or maybe he will become a great friend!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Update 4

HELP ME!!! Somebody, anybody! Please get me out of my head! Since my last update, I have spoken to my ex two times in the last week. I miss him. I really think that there is no one else out there that I will fit with as perfectly. But on the other hand I fear what will happen if I choose a future with him and go against my family and my beliefs. I go back and forth all day between the positives and the negatives. I speak to one friend and go home thinking "he's the one! I should screw everything and follow my heart" and then I speak to another friend or family member and think "how could I do this, I will never be fully happy if I do not honor my beliefs." Ahhhh!

After he messaged me last week and I didn't respond, he sent me a sad email. I responded with a rude and angry email telling him to stop being so sad since this was all his fault. He sent me a counter email explaining that I was mistaken and that this was not his fault but a result of me living in fear. Just as I was about to write a counter email, I shut my computer and decided to wait a few days to reply. I went to a very interesting womans workshop, led by an amazing psychologist, and we talked about "bad intentions thinking". I learned a lot and they psychologist actually used my dilemma as the example for one of the exercises. I got a bit more insight into the reasons that it is so difficult for me to make big decisions. In the past I tended to just listen to my parents and do the "right" thing. I never went through the proper adolescent stage of following my friends advice and thinking that they were smarter then my parents. I totally missed that crucial phase and still have an infantile view of my parents being the "smartest people in the world". It actually really messes me up when I think I am hurting or disappointing my parents so it was way easier to just let them make my decisions. Anyways, enough of the psycho mumbo jumbo as my dad likes to call it... I wrote him a totally different kind of email. I told him that I am remaining committed to this 50 date process. I wanted to get away from the finger pointing and blame game and just continue to do what I set out to do. To figure out who I am and what I want. He sent me back a nice email and so it began again...We spoke Sunday for 2 hours and then we spoke for about 4 and a half hours last night.
We talked about some of my fears. We talked about some of his fears. We talked about how scary it was to think that we may never find this kind of love again with other partners. We talked about what it would be like if we saw each other when he came to the States for Christmas.
So that is my new dilemma... do I go and see him over the break? Would that be opening the wound again? Would it make my process more difficult? Am I perhaps meant to see how his family celebrates Christmas to calm some of my fears or to make it more clear to myself that this is not for me? How will I deal with the judgement from my family? Am I supposed to see him regardless of how this all plays out simply because I get one life to live and I just want to see him again....
Why is it so damn hard for me to just make a decision without living in fear of the consequences. Why can't I just stop thinking and just do something without worry or fear or stress?!?!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My Fifteenth Date.

One of my old boyfriends (dated him when I was 19) had his 30th birthday party. We have remained in touch over the last 7 years and we would hang out a few times a year to catch up. This weekend was his 30th birthday party and he told me that I must come. He wanted me to meet his new "girl of the month" and he also wanted to introduce me to one of his single friends that he thought I might be interested in. I decided to go. It was a great party, I got to see all of his friends that I used to hang out with years ago, I got to meet his new gf and hang out with his siblings, who I hadn't seen in a long time either. Then a guy walked in about 2 hours late. He was tall, very good looking and I assumed he must be the one I was supposed to meet. By that time, the birthday boy was so drunk that he didn't realize he was supposed to introduce me to him. I was trying a new approach, my pushy approach didn't work on my cousin's friend that never called, so I waited. He ended up coming up to me and we chatted for a bit. He was really cute. He was not that smart and not so great at making conversation but I will definitely say he was at least an 8 on the looks scale. (That is very high because I don't believe anyone is a 10!) Anyways, I had to go shortly after that so I said goodbye to everyone at the party and gave him a kiss on the cheek. There were too many people around to give him my number so I just left. I figure, if he wants my number then he will ask his friend to give it to him. I am working on not being so aggressive and letting things just happen. I was debating if I should call or text the guy that didn't call me (my cousins friend) and ask him why he didn't call and thats when I decided to adopt this philosophy of backing off and letting a guy be a guy. If he didn't call and if this one doesn't make the effort to get my number then "they are just not that into me". And that's okay :)