Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Update 16

My Valentine's day started off with a message from the doctor (date number 24). "Hey... I just wanted to wish you a happy valentines day. I hope you enjoy it. XO". I wrote back "thanks you too". But my phone got messed up and it never went through! I took that as a sign that I was not supposed to write back so even when my phone started to work again, i didn't resend it. I don't know why I am being so nice to him. If he really wanted me to enjoy valentines day then why the F did he break up with me two days before valentines day? Why am I such a people pleaser with him? Anyways, as far as he knows I got his message and didn't reply and I have not heard from him since. Probably for the best.

Next, I spoke with a colleague of mine (another therapist) about my ex. I told him that my ex emailed me last week. We have not been in contact for 2 months. I ignored the email he sent me after one month of not communicating but I was not able to ignore this one. It was an email with a very sad undertone. He told me that he wanted to be friends, felt ignored and wondered why. He told me that he has never cared for anyone as much as he cared about me. He said that being around me made him feel like he wanted to be a better person. he told me about his family and that his grandfather had hurt himself and that his brother was turning 18 etc.

I wrote back the following:
I don't mean to be disrespectful I just found it pointless to ask for something I was already getting (space from you).
I have a lot of resentments to work out before I will ever be ready for a friendship with you.
I still hope you are doing well.

At first I wrote that back because I thought it was best for both of us. He is usually the one that does stuff that is in our best interest even though it may be painful. And this time it felt like it was my turn. I knew things with the doctor were on the rocks and I didn't want to open up the door with my ex and run back to him for comfort after things ended with the doctor. I also think that he is dating someone and I swore I would never be what his ex was to me to any other girl that he dates. I hated when he talked to her and I don't want his new girl to be upset when he talks to me. Also, I know that after such a short time with her he does not feel strongly enough for her to sustain a relationship while talking to me. So I thought that I wrote that cold email for us to move on and find happiness... i thought I was the martyr.... Til I talked to my colleague.

After we spoke I realized I am so g-d damn angry at my ex. I am still hurt and still wounded. Why the hell did he have to email me and mess up "how great I was doing". (Was I really doing that great if his email effected me?) He wants to be "friends"??? I don't need another friend! I have no interest in being his damn friend! How dare he try to "rope" me back in by telling me about his grandparents, who I adore, knowing full well that I would want to make sure his grandfather is doing okay. Sooo manipulative! How dare he contact me when I am trying to move on and be happy with someone else? Why did he disrespect his new girl and contact me? Had he done this to me with his ex while we were together? And I am still pissed off about that picture of him and his ex while we were still together and he went to Spain and saw her.
And then there is the pain part... why didn't he love me enough to convert and move here and start a life with me? Why did he choose to be so stubborn and set in his ways instead of choosing to love me and make me happy? Why did he want me to choose between him and my family when he could have given me both? Why did he have to be such a selfish person?
Valentines Day was a bit painful when I remembered where I was last year at this time. We were together in Europe. In love.
I am torn between anger/resentment and sadness.
A part of me wants to tell him to screw off and leave me alone forever and the other wants nothing more then to be in his arms and weep together. I know the healthier thing to do is to stay out of contact with him. And I do want to be healthy and move on. I know that we are not meant to be together and I know he is not what I need or want for my future. So why would I bother talking to him? I will try to deal with my resentments and anger and sadness using other people (therapist, colleagues, friends etc) and not him.
Its best for both of us if we don't speak. At least I think it is......


  1. "Why didn't he love me enough to convert and move here and start a life with me? Why did he choose to be so stubborn and set in his ways instead of choosing to love me and make me happy? Why did he want me to choose between him and my family when he could have given me both? Why did he have to be such a selfish person?"

    Do you realize how selfish you sound right here? He should have chosen to give up his hopes for the future and his convictions (religious and otherwise) in order to make YOU happy? That's not what love is about and I hope that you realize that and can start looking for a relationship that will not involve a man changing just to satisfy your unreasonable demands.

  2. Jeeze, the above post is harsh. I understand where you are coming from--if love was really meant to be between you two it would be easy and you would be together. Since you're not it makes you angry. I completely understand. Stay strong!

  3. Hmmm... I see both perspectives here. On the one hand, expecting someone else to change without being willing to change yourself is a little hypocritical. On the other hand, these are indubitably the thoughts you think at your darkest moments, and if that's how this post was meant... I think we all understand.

  4. The first response was unnecessarily harsh. I completely sympathize with you. Speaking from experience, I think we know that when people aren't willing to commit to us or make sacrifices for us (assuming they've had ample time to get to know us)it's because they're just not in love enough to perform these acts. The reason we can say that is because the only reason a mentally healthy person would make such grand sacrifices would be if they were that much in love. And yes, when a person decides this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with, they are willing to sacrifice a lot for them. This is why situations in which sacrifices are necessary are so revealing and thereby important. It is not important because we want them to give up everything that makes them happy. It is important because it gives us a unique glimpse into how the person we love values us vs the other things/opportunities in their life. We understand where we stand in their life.

    While it's easy to take this all to heart (and I completely empathize with how deeply hurtful it is)it's also likely that many people are just busy thinking about themselves and not giving themselves the opportunity to see how amazing you are (ie selfish) or they simply don't value a long-term monogamous relationship to the same degree that you do (ie spend more time thinking about other life opportunities). In any case, yes, for some reason your ex remained selfishly short-sighted but you will find a guy who will understand how much he wants you and how much he's willing to give up for you if need be. And only for that guy should you be willing and happy to do the same.

  5. The first poster was dead on. You could have moved or given up on your religion to be with him, and you knew that wasn't what you wanted. That was the right decision for you, so don't blame him for making the same choice. Wouldn't he have been completely wrong to have demanded that you convert? Of course. Besides, insincere conversion is a horrible idea, for everyone involved. I converted because I knew it was, as you like to say, meant to be, and I wanted to be Jewish very much. Any other reason would have made me feel like I was lying to myself and being disrespectful to the entire religion. Be angry if you want if you think he was unfaithful to you with his ex, that's totally fair, but please respect his right to consider his own hapiness and priorities, that has to go both ways.

  6. Please understand that I know how this post must sound to some people. I get that my thoughts sound irrational and selfish etc. But I was typing how I feel... That is what resentments are... they are expectations that weren't met. I logically know that I shouldn't have expected all these things from him in the first place and then I wouldn't have been disappointed and I wouldn't have been resentful. But I thought that our love was strong enough to sustain my expectations and I was wrong. Which in turn made me sad and I vented it all out in this post...