Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My Forty Sixth Date

He found me on jdate 3 months ago before I stopped going online. We exchanged bbm’s. He lives half the year in one state but his family lives here and so does he for the other half. We spoke a few times but it never worked out to meet. When he was in town I was busy or I was out of town and it just never worked out. After I got back from Israel he messaged me and told me that he was back in town for the next 4 months and would love to finally meet me. We made plans for Friday night but he ended up asking if we could change it to Saturday. I was fine with that because the rabbi had asked me to come over anyways (that’s the night I was over til 2 am and cried my eyes out). So the next night I met him. I had promised the rabbi to go with a good attitude and not to dismiss him for shallow things, like I had been doing on every date.

He was not as tall as I usually like and he was balding; both things that would have not gotten him a second date in the past. But I didn’t pay any attention to it. He took me out for a beautiful dinner and salsa dancing. He was not a great dancer but he couldn’t have cared less! He had so much confidence! He was a gentleman. He opened doors and arranged the whole evening. We had great conversation and time was just flying by. After dinner he told me that he needed to walk his dogs and asked if I wanted to join. I didn’t want the night to end so I went with him and his 2 dogs for a walk. He didn’t try anything. He was respectful and kind and gentle. All qualities I have been saying I want (like my ex was) and yet going out with the opposite of that. As soon as I left I got a bbm message saying “You looked absolutely beautiful tonight”. It was so sweet and simple and I finally was in a place where I was able to hear that form someone without dismissing him as a desperate nerd. He asked me to let him know when I got home safe and I couldn’t wait to get home to call him. His first question was “when am I taking you out again”. He was so assertive and confident and I just really liked him. I told him that since it was my sister’s wedding the following weekend, I was going to be very busy and that my only free day was Monday. He said perfect, I will make a reservation at a cool place right away. I was so not used to someone that was taking charge and making all the plans and wanting to make me so happy. We went out Monday and had an even more incredible time. We went to a really cool place and held hands for 3 hours. I felt like a teenager, getting excited about holding hands. Our chemistry was insane! We kissed that night at the table and it was a perfect first kiss. Wednesday night some cousins came in from out of town for the wedding and I invited him out with us. I saw him again Thursday and again on Friday. Sunday was my sister’s wedding. I debated inviting him but decided against it. It was too soon and I wanted to take it slow. I didn’t want to attract any evil eye to jinx this. And I didn’t want all the crazy old people to ask him when we are next after only knowing each other for a week. He came over while we were taking the pictures and took my dog for the entire day cause he didn’t want me to have to worry about her while I was so busy. HOW NICE IS THAT?!?!? He kept looking at me like he had never seen a more beautiful girl in his life. I felt so amazing! He then picked me up from the wedding and drove me home. He came in for a bit and we just lay in bed together kissing and cuddling. We kiss great together. I saw him again on Monday and today he left for a trip for two weeks. He told me he has never felt like this before and that he wants me to come with. I told him he was crazy and that it was too soon, even though I sooo wanted to go with him. He told me that he was going to miss me like crazy even though we just met. He left and I miss him. It sounds crazy but I miss him. I really do. Keeping my fingers crossed for this one. I have a really great feeling about him. He treats me how every woman should be treated and it is nice not to have a heavy heart for once. I told him all about my story with my ex and how the night before I spoke to the rabbi and had we gone out Friday instead of Saturday it would have been our first and last date. He kissed me and told me that he believes that everything happens for a reason. And he asked if he could send the rabbi flowers to thank him, lol.

The scariest part is that the night before I met him, I prayed for a Jewish version of my ex and he treats me even better (so far) and has the same ideas about a relationship. The most insane part is that I asked him his Hebrew name and I almost burst into tears when he told me.... it’s the same name as my ex. Quite literally the Jewish version of my ex, just like I asked for.

Just when I was about to give up on G-d and Judaism and this experiment, G-d threw me a curve ball :)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Update 35

Friday night I went to the rabbis house. He asked me how things were going and I told him that I had just gone on date 45 and it didn't work out. I told him I had 5 more to go and then I could go and try to talk with my ex, if he would even talk to me. I told him that it made sense in my head and I had decided from the beginning that if 50 dates didn't work out then that meant G-d wanted me to be with my ex. I told him that I was still unsure if I could be okay with marrying a non jew but that I couldn't live like this anymore. I told him that after the next 5 I will have to make a decision and I am leaning towards just trying to make it work with him and just finding a way to be okay with the fact that we may not have such a Jewish home or my kids may not identify as strongly with Judaism. I told him I was not there yet but after the next 5 I would force myself to get there.

The truth is that since I spoke to my ex a month ago on my birthday I have been insane and obsessed with what to do. Just that one hour conversation put me back 10 months. I have been an absolute wreck. He is all I talk about to everyone and anyone that will listen. All I think about is what I should do about us. I feel like an obsessed crack addict searching for a hit. I felt like i was beginning to be okay and then talking to him was like a relapse that put me back to where I was when he left. I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth in my head about what to do. SOme days I know for sure that I want to be with him and will do whatever it takes and then the next day it is so clear to me that it can never work.

There was a woman at the rabbis house who was visiting them from Israel. Her and her 17 year old daughter started talking with me and the rabbi and his wife after the meal. She told me a bit about herself. She was originally from my city and she was secular. When she got married her and her husband decided to be more religious and they moved to Israel to raise their family. I told her about my ex and my situation and that I missed him and wanted so badly to be with him and make it work.
We all talked til almost 2 in the morning. We talked about the fact that I have not been giving a lot of the last few guys a fair chance because my ex is in my head again and that I can't do the last 5 with that attitude or its not a fair challenge. She mentioned that perhaps I met my ex to show me that there are amazing guys like him out there. And that I can and do deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know exactly what else was said but I remember her daughter (very smart young woman) asking me one question. Do you think G-d wants you to marry a non Jew? Without hesitation I answered no. I tried to back track and then explain myself by saying that he wants me to be happy and my ex can make me happy etc. but I heard my own initial answer and it was no. Whether or not that is true (I dont know G-d's will) it is what I feel is true. I left his house and cried the entire way home vowing never to go back.

I felt like a crazy person. I just wanted the noise in my head to stop. I felt like my own thoughts were torturing me and holding me hostage. I was so frustrated. The more I tried not to think the harder and more obsessively I was thinking. I couldn't stop crying I had lost complete control of my own mind and thoughts and I considered driving myself to the mental hospital at 2 in the morning. I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I was mad at the rabbi for inviting me to his house and having me talk to those people, I was mad at my mom (obviously, I always am on this topic) and I was mad at the people in my life who push for love and tell me to go be with him. I wanted everyone to shut up and leave me the F alone. I got home and my mom was still awake and she could see that i had been crying. I told her that I was going crazy. I explained to her that every day, even every hour I change my mind. Not just a little, I change it to "I am 100% sure I am going to be with him" and then an hour later "I am 100% sure I can't be with him". I cried until 6 am and made a decision to stop getting advice from anyone about this. It is a matter of my heart fighting with my head and no one could understand the battle but me. I feel very sad but I needed to hear my own self say out loud that I do not feel right marrying a non Jew.
So I am back to being in the worst possible place in my mind. Unsure. Confused. Frustrated and Angry at myself for being a coward.

That night I lay in bed and prayed for a Jewish version of my ex, just like that lady said.

My Forty Fifth Date

I caved and went back on jdate. He messaged me and added me to bbm. He seemed nice and his pictures were okay, nothing special. I met him in his area on Wednesday night, my only really free night during the week. We went out for coffee. I was getting so sick of these awkward coffee dates in the middle of the week. I forgot to put on heels which ended up being a very good thing because he was my height. He was very sweet but a bit awkward. It seemed like he was going through some sort of question check list with me. Almost like he had been coached about what to say and ask me. I had just come from a client and was very excited about the progress my client had made so I talked alot about what I do for a living. He told me in 2 brief sentences what he did. He does very well financially but his job sounds super boring. Even he agreed with that, lol. I spent a lot of time wishing I could like him. In theory he is a great guy I just felt nothing. I felt like I had become completely incapable of liking anyone. After the coffee shop closed he asked me if I would walk with him so I did. There was nothing particularly wrong with him I just so wasn't feeling it. I didn't really want to be there and the more I tried to force myself the worse it got. I finally told him that I needed to go cause it was getting late. He walked me back to my car, told me he had a great time and asked if we could do it again next week. I told him that this week is the week before my sisters wedding and I am going to be very busy with last minute things and out of town guests and told him that perhaps after the wedding I would be more available. He gave me an awkward hug and I left. He bbm'd me right away. I guess in theory thats sweet unless you don't like the person and then its a bit annoying. The next day he messaged me again saying that his friday night plans got canceled and wondered if I was free. I told him that Friday was no good cause I have shabbat dinner and then I am going to the rabbis house. A few days later he emailed me saying that he is sure that I must have noticed that his bbm isn't working (I had no clue cause I had not tried to message him) and that he would like to have my phone number so we could go out again. I wrote him back a very nice email telling him that I did not feel a romantic connection and that I wish him the best of luck cause he is a really great guy. It was not fair to him that I was just brushing him off, I needed to be clear with him so I was.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Update 34

When I got home, I started my guy detox. I made it so that I had no one to come home to. I deleted all the guys that I flirted with and could fool around with. No one picked me up from the airport, no one missed me and there was no one I missed and wanted to run home to. I was single. Totally single. I don't have a guy to go see a movie with to go to dinner with, to hang out with or someone I could even ask to be my date to my sister's wedding. I have never been this single. And I think I am actually okay.

In terms of Judaism.... I have been introduced to a few more rabbis and some people here that are supposed to help answer my questions and help me grow spiritually and religiously. I have made it clear to everyone that I am interested in becoming more spiritual but I am not yet comfortable with having religion rammed down my throat. I have been feeling very sad and empty for the last 2 months without my ex. There is a part of me that wants to screw this whole experiment, screw my parents and even Judaism and take the next flight to Europe. The other part of me is saying that if you are not with him because of Judaism then perhaps you should explore Judaism more and become more connected to the religion that I am choosing over the love of my life. Then I had a third idea. Why can't I become more connected to Judaism and then be with him and I wont have that fear that I will lose my Judaism if I am with him. If its strong enough then I wont lose it just because my partner is not Jewish.

I have been getting a million different opinions to this dilemma. I thought Israel would clear up all my doubts and give me clarity but I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life.

Since Israel I have stopped eating milk with meat. I barely used to eat it together until I started dating my ex over 2 years ago. I figure that its a small thing that I can do to show myself that I don't have to lose Judaism just because of the person I am with. And also it is my responsibility to keep myself connected. I can't blame the person I am with for me losing touch with my religion and culture etc. I have also explored the idea of trying to keep more of the customs and perhaps in the future I would want to keep the sabbath.

The most interesting opinion I got was that of my therapist. I did not see him for a month while I was away and then when I saw him this week we talked about my ex and about Judaism. The first thing he mentioned was the fact that I truly believed that the survival of the entire Jewish nation was on my shoulders. This could not be more me! I am a martyr for everything! I can't live for myself and my happiness. I need to make sure my parents and even grandparents are okay with everything I do. I hate to disappoint and let them down. And now I feel like I can't let down an entire nation of people!!! When he said it out loud, I could actually hear how ridiculous it sounded! I have to martyr being with the love of my life (who I have not been able to get over in almost a year and 44 men have not even come close to how great he is) just for the sake of Judaism and my unborn grandchildren.

The next thing he pointed out was the way I explain Judaism. I explain that I love it for its spirituality and family aspect. I love the unconditional love I feel from it and the way I can keep growing with it. I love how it makes me feel complete and connected to something.
Then I explained how my ex makes me feel. I ended up using the same words and adjectives to describe our relationship. It was such a crazy epiphany. The way I feel about my religion is the way I feel about him and the wonderful things that Judaism does for me and with me, so does he! He is the most spiritual person I know, more spiritual than some rabbis and religious people and he allows me to be myself without judgement and to grow and to be a better person.
So I was a bit amazed that the two represent the same things to me and that my life could be AMAZING if there was a way to have both.

Man, do I have some serious thinking to do... I have started to get mini anxiety attacks when I think about him and hopefully that is my body telling me that I need to make a decision soon cause I can't take the back and forth for very much longer.

A Jew Wish

I don't normally do this but Rachel asked me to post this in case I have any readers living in New York. It sounds like a very funny show and I wish I was in New York so that I could see it! If you end up there, let me know how it was! It sounds like it would be a perfect show for me, lol!

The Comical Adventures of a single Jewish female on the worldwide web of dating
A one-woman show written and performed by Rachel Evans
Directed by Rachel Eckerling
Part of the NY International Fringe Festival

115 Macdougal Street (Between West 3rd and Bleecker)

SAT 8/14 - 10:00 PM
SUN 8/15- 6:15 PM
MON 8/16- 10:00 PM
TUE 8/17 - 4:15 PM
FRI 8/20 - 4:45 PM

Tickets: $15/Advance, $18/Door
or 866-468-7619

Saturday, August 7, 2010

My Forty Forth Date

One of my parents friends asked if she could give my phone number to her other friend’s son. She said they were a nice family that came to America from Israel just 7 years ago. She said he was 30, tall and handsome and had his own business and a heavy Israeli accent. The accent is not my favourite thing in the world but I figured all the rest sounded great. He called me and there was a bit of a language barrier but he seemed charming and nice. He picked me up after Shabbat dinner from my house. I usually never let people pick me up from my house but he wasn’t from jdate, our family friend actually knew him. We went to a dessert place and he got coffee and I got tea. We talked about our jobs and our families. Then I asked him how he felt about Judaism. He actually laughed out loud. He said, I am Jewish and that’s it. He identifies as Jewish but doesn’t do anything to be a part of Judaism. He doesn’t really celebrate the holidays and he is not spiritual at all. I was so disappointed. He is Israeli and has no tie to Judaism other then being born a Jew. I asked if he would ever consider being “more” Jewish after he had kids and he said no. He was more opposed to being Jewish then my non Jewish ex. I was so frustrated! He kept trying to touch me and I really didn’t want him to. I recognized that my arms were crossed for most of the date and I was not open to him at all. I didn’t like how opinionated he was and how against my beliefs he was... It was almost like he mocked some of the Jewish things I do. I didn’t like him. There was nothing specifically wrong with him. No good reason that I wouldn’t see him again but I just didn’t want to. I hoped that he wouldn’t call but he did. I didn’t answer because I was out and I think he got the signal. Israelis have too much pride to call again if they think they will be rejected. So he just never called back and I am left to figure out why I just don’t like him. I feel kind of bad since his parents know my family friends but I am sure I will get over feeling bad soon!

My Forty Three . 5 th Date

On my plane ride home from Israel I sat down next to an Israeli guy who looked about 35. He had the window seat and I had the aisle seat. He didn’t say much but he asked if he could switch because he prefers the aisle. He was not polite and quite cold. Although I prefer the window, I almost didn’t want to switch just because of how he asked. I ended up saying yes and switched with him. The flight was at 1 am, so I curled up into a ball, put my pillow on the window and passed out for almost the entire flight. I woke up when there was about an hour and half left of the flight. And we started talking. He was actually one of the nicest people ever and I totally misread him as an asshole. He told me about his past and why he was coming to my city for only 4 days. He told me that he was married and had a baby. He told me so much in such a short time. I told him alot about myself and I told him about my ex and how I had come to Israel to get an answer and was leaving without one. He told me that he was only going to be in my city for 4 days for work and that he does not know anyone. I told him that there were a few things that he should see if he got any time off. He asked me if I had anytime to show him. I told him that I was off Wednesday night and we exchanged numbers and emails.

In my mind this was not a date. He was a married man and I did not even find him attractive. The way my family is we are always hosting people from Israel even if we don’t know them. Sometimes we will just get a call saying that “my cousins friend’s brother is in town can you please host him for a week” and we will. So that was my mentality in this case. He called me on Wednesday and I picked him up at his hotel and we grabbed dinner and I showed him a bit of the city.

He kept asking me really deep questions like if these were your only two options in the world which would you choose, and questions about my morals etc. I had fun answering them. Then he asked me why I wasn’t asking any of them back to him. I explained to him that I analyze people all day in my job and that it is nice to separate work from my social life and that I don’t like to “try to figure everyone out”. I just want to enjoy my dinner. I also told him that if there is something he wants to share then I don’t need tricky questions to get it out of him, I was sure that he would just share whatever he felt comfortable sharing. About an hour later he told me EVERYTHING. He told me about some shaddy business deal that he was involved in a few years back that he can’t forgive himself for being that greedy that he lost his morals. He told me about the death of his mother and how hard it has been for him and he even cried. A big tough Israeli guy was disclosing all his secrets and crying. It was kind of strange to me but he obviously needed someone to talk to. I guess he felt comfortable enough to share that with me.

At the end of the night I dropped him off at his hotel and he asked “what is your final thought of the night?” I said that I didn’t have one and I was too tired to thing of something whitty to say. He seemed insulted. “You don’t have any thought after spending the evening with me?” I said no and then I asked him the same question. He said that its better if he doesn’t tell me. I told him that it was obvious that he asked me that question because he wanted to tell me his answer and that I was not going to play this game with him. I told him to either tell me or not but I wasn’t going to ask him again. He said that he had a great evening and finds me extremely attractive and that being that comfortable with a woman to share what he shared is a huge weakness for him. I just smiled and said “well, its a good thing we are both moral people because you are a married man. He smiled back and got out of the car.

The reason I labelled this date as 43.5 is because it was not an actual date but it turned out to kind of be one. I also learned that because in my mind it wasn’t a date I was so relaxed and fun to be around. I wasn’t worried what he was thinking of me at all. I also allowed myself to be totally non judgemental because I was not judging him asa potential mate or husband or father so I actually had a conversation with him and got to know him. Had this been a real date I would have asked different questions to find out if he would be a good mate instead of just enjoying his company and getting to know him as a person. So I will take that lesson to future dates. I had no real interest in him but I would have written him off after the first half hour and never allowed myself to have a good time had I been judging him as a potential mate. So I am glad that I got to enjoy myself on the non date-date and learn something new about the way I have been going on dates. I need to chill J