Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Update 30

What a difference a few weeks of not jdating has made for my mental health! I have no deadline, no ticking clock, I am not anxious or stressed and I am not in "find husband yesterday mode". I feel cool and chilled and relaxed. I feel like someone I would like to spend time with that is fun and carefree. I think I have actually been putting this vibe out to the universe. Although I have stopped meeting new guys, a few old ones have popped back up. This time around I am being less judgmental, threw out my "husband checklist" and have decided to enjoy being single and not be so uptight and worried about what people will think. I have two weeks until I go to Israel so i figured I would start having fun now! Vacation started this weekend and hopefully my attitude will continue throughout my trip and I will come back relaxed, happy and stress free.

Number 38 invited me to his pool party on Sunday afternoon. I figured "why not". I knew that I wouldn't know very many people but that it might be fun. So I went over and it was a great party. He has so many awesome friends! There were like 30 or 40 people there which showed me that he is quite social and people really like him. He kissed me hello on the lips and then acted like we were just friends in front of all of his friends. So I just followed his lead and had a lot of fun. I ended up knowing a bunch of his friends so I could be independent and not need him to "babysit me" (not that I ever really need that, lol). I had to leave after about an hour and a half to go run a group for work. He walked me to my car and gave me another kiss goodbye. He told me to come back after work, so I did. It was dark by the time I got back, and his friends were sitting around a campfire. It was so nice and chilled. It felt like high school, in a good way! He told me to come sit with him on his lawn chair and he was being affectionate in front of his friends and siblings. People started to leave. I helped his sister clean up and before I knew it I was the last guest left. his sister went to sleep and we went to sit by the pool. I don't know what came over me, I felt like it was back when I was 16, when I didn't care about my reputation or about how I looked or about what everyone might think of me. I asked him if he wanted to go swimming. He said of course but did you bring a bathing suit? I said no, I didn't ;) I asked him to grab me one of his sisters T-shirts and two towels. I changed into the t-shirt right outside. I didn't go to the washroom like my usual prude self. It felt exciting and scandalous, lol, I feel like such a dork saying that but it really did! We had fun in the pool at 1 am. We kissed a lot and I had a really great time. I even got my hair wet, unheard of!

The next day Crazy (number 28) asked me to come over. We had been talking for the last week since I saw him and I kept on making excuses why I couldn't come over. He was going out of town and didn't know if he would be back before I left to Israel and wanted to "say goodbye". I decided not to analyze it and think too much about it and just go. I let lose and didn't care about being judged or about how I would feel the next day. I even went over with my gross hair from the pool the night before and no make up. I really didn't care! I felt like going, so I went. We ended up having so much fun. We spent the day together. He was even patient and sat around while I did my hair for 2 hours after. Then we went out to the mall with his niece and it felt like how we used to be. We laughed and it was just relaxed. I didn't bring any of my negative energy or my pressure or stress and I was actually able to have a great day.

That evening I had plans with the accountant (number 22), I wasn't sure if he was going to cancel because I thought he was still mad at me. He messaged me to come over for 9 so I did. When I walked in, he didn't stop complementing me. I actually tried hard to look good that night so it was nice that he recognized it. He told me to take off my heels and that we are going for an adventure. An adventure I asked?? He said, stop being so prissy, go get flats from your car and lets go on the subway. The subway??? The "new me" decided to just trust him and be adventurous! I was wearing a dress so I sat on his lap on the subway cause I didn't want my almost bare bottom to sit on the seats. He was cracking up laughing at me! I asked where we were going. He said no more fancy restaurants for you. I took you to all the hot spots when we dated 5 months ago, we need to cut the shit and see who you really are. I was like "oh g-d, he is punishing me for what I did and getting me back by taking me to McDonalds or something!" I went with it anyways. I told him that I didn't know when I became "that girl" that only likes expensive snobby restaurants. I told him that wasn't even me. I used to love going to dives and holes in the wall and I can't remember why or when that stopped. We got off at a random stop, in a very bad part of town. I asked if he was taking me somewhere to have me killed! He laughed again. We got to this place that had a line up around the corner. It was a hidden jem in the middle of a terrible neighborhood that he had found. He somehow managed to scam us to the top of the list, and no he did not slip anyone any money. He is just super charming like that. The food was unreal! It was so delicious! I even had a drink! I barely ever order a drink, again cause I don't want anyone to think I am.... you know what? I don't even know what I don't want people to think!!!! How f@cked is that?!?!? Anyways, I had such a great night! On the subway ride back we made out like teenagers that couldn't care less if we looked un-classy or that people were rolling their eyes etc. The world just consisted of me and him and what WE thought, no one else. He told me that he has really liked me ever since we met months ago and that I really did break his heart. I told him that I was sorry but that perhaps it wasn't meant to be then. Perhaps neither of us were ready for each other then and it would have been a waste if we ended up dating months ago. He told me to shut up, lol. I went back to his house after to kiss and cuddle, and that is exactly what we ended up doing. He said that he was upset that I was going away cause it might ruin the flow if we start to hang out a lot before I leave and then I just take off for a month. I asked him if we could just enjoy and not think too much about the future right now. I like him but I have no expectations. I plan to just let my own story unfold to me as I go on!

I hope I can keep this attitude going! I am soooo fun to hang out with, lol! I am so not my stuck up, snobby, "what will everyone think of me" self. I am cool again :) at least for now! So go ahead, say I am a player or a slut or mentally insane! I don't mind, I had the best weekend in a long time, so it was worth it to me and I am the only one who matters what I think of me!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Update 29

So crazy guy spent the entire week messaging me and trying to convince me to come by. I want to say that he conned me or manipulated me but I am a grown up and I knew what he was up to the entire time and I chose to participate and engage and respond to his messages. I ended up going over one afternoon. It was weird to be there after so long. We watched TV for a bit, then he started with his charm. We ended up kissing, I felt awkward and uncomfortable so we stopped. I told him that I had to go see a client and left after about an hour. I felt bad about going. Nothing terrible happened but I know that I should not have gone. It was pointless and useless and did not make me feel very good about myself. We had a huge argument the next day, obviously... It reminded me just how crazy he was and how insane we were together. I felt really dumb the next day and have not spoken to him since. I was obviously reluctant to write about this and whatever anyone is going to say, I already know.... I got all the lectures from everyone in my life, including myself. The only thing I can do now, is make sure it doesn't happen again. And I intend to do my best.

I spoke about it with my therapist. I seem to either go for Shmucks (yiddish for a dick/jerky guy) or Shmattas (yiddish for rag/guy with no balls). To some degree I either pick a guy that takes on the role that my dad plays in my parents marriage (dominant, bossy, sometimes can be a bit of a shmuck) or I pick a guy that represents my moms role in their marriage (passive, quiet and sometimes a shmatta). The thing is, I pick relationships where there is a clear dominant and a clear submissive person. I am either the jerk with the passive guy or I am the "poor girl" with the mean jerky guy. The only relationship that I have ever been in that was equal with no jerk, no dominant and no submissive person was with my ex. There was a mutual respect for each other. No one was mean or bossy or dominant. We were equal. We were kind and caring and loving and respectful of each other, something I am obviously not used to. And it was wonderful.

Besides my "slip" with crazy guy, things continue to look good... I still feel good about myself and my other choices. I am still keeping the focus on me and growing and changing. I think I am going to meet the guy that I canceled with last Friday. I feel okay about going on one date and being open minded after clearing my head a bit. I have no expectations. I more feel bad for canceling on him twice already and he seems pretty persistent to meet. I am a bit nervous that I should stay on my no dating streak... but hopefully it wont be a big deal.

I even went to see my Bubby (grandmother in Yiddish) today. I say "even" because if ever anyone wanted to know where all my neurosis come from all they need to do is spend 30 minutes with my mom's mom (my Bubby). I get along great with my Safta (grandmother in hebrew- my dad's mom) but for some reason me and my mom's mom do not always click. I walked in and she told me how beautiful I looked. I said thank you (I had just come from work, no make up and my hair was a mess). Then she said "BUT you are too skinny". I said that I was on a diet for Israel and that I was not too skinny I was just fine. Then she proceeded to ignore what I had just said and began to offer me food. How about some fruit? No thanks, I am not hungry. How about Strawberries? No Bubby, that is a fruit too and I just told you that I am not hungry. How about some chocolates? Bubby! Why would you offer someone who just said they are on a diet, chocolate?? Ok, Ok, maybe you want some cereal with milk or a sandwich? OMFG! Fine, I will have 3 strawberries and thats it. She brought out a plate of 10 strawberries with three forks (a manipulation tool so that I would think they were to share even though she and my step-grandfather didn't have any) a bar of chocolate and other fruit. I ate 3 strawberries. She asked why I eat at my other grandmother's house but not her house. I told her it was because my other grandmother did not try to shove food in my face when I said I wasn't hungry. She said it was because I loved her more. FML!
There was a positive part to my visit. She told me how she met my Zaidy (grandfather in Yiddish- he died when I was 6). It was such a nice, romantic, fairy tale story. She was engaged to another man after the Holocaust- WWII. She was 19 years old and as soon as she met my Zaidy, she fell in love with him and he with her. She broke off her engagement with the guy and ran away to another city to be with my Zaidy. They really were crazy about each other. Up until the day he died they kissed and hugged all the time and were so in love. Sound familiar to anyone!??!? Maybe history does repeat itself?
Despite the fact that she drives me nuts most of the time, I think its important to visit her and hear her stories so that they can live on. I have already lost one grandparent and I never got to hear his story and I don't want to make that mistake twice. When I left, she told me that I made her week by coming over. I know it sounds sweet but its just more manipulation and Jewish guilt... This time, I didn't mind it :)

I had coffee today with my oldest friend (we have been friends since we are 4 years old). She is living with her non-Jewish boyfriend and her parents are just starting to come around after 5 years. She highly encourages me to follow my heart. She says that everyone else in my life will follow a few steps behind. Something to think about....

Friday, June 4, 2010

Update 28

This week has been awesome! I spent it all on doing things for myself and with myself! I sent my resume off to a bunch of places and I hope to get a few interviews in before I leave for Israel. I got a new client! I have been looking for condos online just to start to get a feel for the market in the area I want to buy. I have been spending a lot of time outside with my niece and I have been going on walks with my dog and my mom. I have been eating healthy (lost 4 lbs so far!) and I am feeling so good!!! I offered to volunteer as a "Big sister" for a mentoring organization.The business that I invested in is starting to make some financial progress which is sooo great! I have someone working on my addiction website and it should be done before I leave to Israel! Everything is starting to fall nicely into place :) I have been hanging out with my sister more and my girl friends. Tonight I am going to see Sex and the City (very overdue) after Shabbat dinner.

One night I hung out with my best guy friend (he was my first "bad boy" when I was 17 and we have been best friends ever since). Normally when I am dating or with someone, we see less of each other but I specifically made time for him this week. We decided to go for a walk at 11 PM. We were going to walk to the grocery store. One the way we stopped in the park and played on the swings and the monkey bars and the slide! I felt like a kid! It was so much fun! We ended up buying things to make banana bread and baked together at 1 in the morning! It was a waaaaay better night then if I had been on a jdate!

My last day on jdate a guy messaged me and we have been emailing each other. We were supposed to meet tonight but I am not ready right now so I told him that maybe next week we will meet. I am enjoying feeling free for now and I will see how I feel next week.
The other one that messaged lives very far (in LA) and we have been messaging each other on msn but I don't see anything real coming out of it. Long distance is no fun.
Those are the last two that snuck in before my break with JDate, which I feel so good about! I haven't been tempted to log on even once!

I find myself talking a great deal about how wonderful my relationship was with my ex. My mom was telling me a story of a friend of hers who got very sick and her husband had to bathe her and actually change her adult diaper. She said that he is a very special kind of man because she doesn't know of many men that would do that (including my father, lol). I told her that I only know of one that would do that for me.... my ex. She didn't say anything back.

In any case, the weather is great here, I am feeling great and I am working on being the kind of person that I would want to date. As Drake puts it "I'm doing me"!