Friday, March 12, 2010

Update 18- wtf?

So I know I said it was over between me and Gorgeous.... but its kind of not...
The day after we "ended" things, he messaged me to see how I was doing. My initial reaction was all ego, I was going to act like I did with doctor and pretend I was totally fine that it was over. But then I thought about it... Why do I have to be so macho, lol. I have nothing to lose so i may as well be honest with him and with myself. I wrote back that I was a bit sad that things didn't work out between us. He wrote that he didn't want me to be sad. Then he suggested that maybe we could be friends. I said sure, because I figured that is what all guys feel like they need to say after they end things, I never thought anything would come of it. We spoke on bbm the entire day as we normally do. Not even one day went by without spending the entire day messaging back and forth. The next day I had my therapy session and came to a few realizations. I was not done with him. I liked him. He was not anywhere close to perfect for me and probably not even a suitable match but I had no intentions of stopping. There was just something about him. Not just his looks. I have fun with him. I feel alive with him. We laugh. I can be myself. And he found a way into my head and into my heart (that I thought had a huge tall wall up around it). I decided I would give this friend thing a try. Like I said, I had nothing to lose. I messaged him after my session and asked him what he was doing ( I knew he wasn't working this Wednesday).
He told me that he was about to watch a movie and I could join him but he has to meet up with friends around 4. He was giving me a window of time... he has never done that before... I guess he wanted a way out in case things got ugly or I started to cry or whatever crazy shit he must be used to that made him so skeptical of women. I came over, he gave me a big hug and then that was it. I mean really.. thats it. We watched the entire movie sitting right next to each other and not so much as little brush against my arm. Zero physical contact. I was dying. I barely watched the movie. Why wasn't he touching me. How could it be that last week he is all over me and this week NOTHING?!?!? I was angry, mixed with extremely insecure. Then his friend came over and started to call all of their friends to invite them for sushi at 7 pm. He said to him in Hebrew (not knowing that I understand) "why don't you invite the girl for sushi"? He shot his friend a look as if to say be quiet and mind your own business you asshole. I felt so uncomfortable. His friend left and he turned to me and asked if I wanted to go out with him and all his friends for dinner. I said I don't know and that I would think about it. Then I asked him if he was sure that was even a good idea... All his friends...
He said that if he didn't want me there he would not have invited me and if I want to come I am more then welcome. I went. There were about 15 of his closest Israeli friends. They were all very loud but actually the nicest, warmest bunch of people. They all included me and made me feel very welcome. I did a lot of listening and not so much talking like I normally do. I remembered him once telling his friend not to date a specific girl because she was "stuck up, never offered to pay and thought she was a princess". So when the bill came I pulled out enough money to cover both of our meals. He didn't say anything. He just reached into his pocket and pulled out the same omount and handed it to the waiter. I turned to him and said that I wanted to treat him tonight. All he said was "put your money away now". I thanked him for dinner. After all, we were "just friends" and he did not need to pay for my dinner. After dinner most people went outside to smoke and he joined them (he does not smoke he just went out with them). I was left with his two best friends. To my advantage and his disadvantage they were drunk :) They told me lots of stuff that they were not supposed to say....
They told me that he is crazy about me. That he has not introduced a girl to the group in almost 3 years. That the last two weekends while he was on business, he talked about me non stop. They also told me that when an Israeli meets a :girl like me" he would get very scared. I am too good. I am "marriage material" and that is scary for a guy. They told me that they were routing for me and both really liked me with him. They told me to wait a bit and that he would come around. I explained to them that I appreciate what they are saying but that I am not a 20 year old girl with 5 years to wait until he "comes around". I said that he made it clear that we are friends so that it what we are. Then I said that it is bad that we are having this conversation and that he would kill them if he found out. Just as I said that, I tuned my head and him and the rest of the crew were staring at us through the window. He looked right at me and motioned for me to come outside. I told the guys that we are all dead!!!! His friend jsut said to tell him we were talking about soccer, lol. Yeah right! I got outside and he took his friend to the side and got mad at him. Then he came over to me and took off his jacket and put it around me cause I left mine in the car. He did it in front of all his friends. Also, that was one of things he said made him mad about me when we were having the break up talk. He said it bothered him that I expected him to put my jacket on all the time as if I was a princess, and here he was doing it cause he wanted to. It felt nicer this way :) We got into the car and he asked me what his friends said. I more or less told him.
He said that the last thing he wants is for me to get hurt. Its not fair of his friends to be giving me false hope and saying things that don't match what he is saying. I told him that I know his friends were drunk and that I will only believe what he tells me is going on. But I told him that I am a big girl and I am in charge of making sure I don't get hurt. He doesn't need to protect me. I also told him that it was super weird for me that we didn't touch once the whole night. He said that it took every once of his will power to be a gentleman and make sure he doesn't send mixed signals and hurt me. I once again told him I appreciate that but that I will worry about myself. He gave me a big hug and kiss on my forehead. We went to one of his friends houses and hung out. All the guys went to one house to play poker and all the girls and me and him and one other guy went to another house. I got along great with all the girls. They were so nice and kept complimenting me and how sweet and smart and pretty I was. He heard all of it :) One girl mentioned that her sex life was going down the drain. He barged into the conversation and asked if she ever initiated sex or did anything to improve the situation. She said she never initiates. He said that he hates it when girls put all the pressure on the guy and that he would never be able to stay with a girl that didn't initiate once in a while. Again, I listened and took mental notes. We went back to his condo and finished the movie we had started. We lay in his bed and still nothing. He didn't touch me. When the movie ended I decided once again that I had nothing to lose... I started to tickle his back. He lay on his side so I tickled his tummy too. That turned into lots of teasing and for almost an hour he fought it and didn't turn around to touch me or kiss me. I was the one to crack first. I turned him over lay on top of him and kissed him. It was so nice after the whole day build up! We fooled around a bit (no sex) and then we cuddled. he said that he really didn't mean for that to happen and that is not what he sees me as or wants me to be for. I told him that I wanted it and that it was okay. He said he was mad at himself for not being able to stop me. He is either the most sincere person ever or is playing the best game ever invented by a guy!
Guess what, either way, I don't care! I had a great day with him, he treated me with respect and I am very attracted to him and enjoy being with him (as a friend and as a lover). And with the pressure of figuring out the dynamics of the relationship gone, we were both so relaxed and calm and didn't fight once!
I went home, he messaged me to see if I got home safe (as usual) and wished me sweet dreams. Next day he messaged me again and I came over after work. I made us dinner and we watched TV, talked, laughed and I then I went home. We didn't do anything sexual but it wasn't awkward. He sort of cuddled while we watched TV and he kissed me on the lips good bye. And again messaged to make sure I was home safe.
So.... I have no idea where I stand with him and I honestly don't care! I am being myself, doing what I want and saying what I want and believing that what ever is meant to be will be.
It feels like this is how we should have started. As two people hanging out, enjoying each others company, getting to know each other and seeing where things go without trying to control or dictate the terms of the relationship after a week.
So although I am a bit confused, I feel happy. And isn't that what is most important?


  1. It make me sad how desperate you have become and you don't even realize it. Don't you have any friends or family who can provide you with some objectivity and help reel you back into the sane world?

  2. I think he's giving you a very clear message. He does have feelings for you but he also knows that he can't date you. I will be very surprised if this does evolve into a relationship because it sounds like he's trying his hardest to keep it from that.

    I think it's time to stop trying to get things to happen here and just accept that you two need to remain friends or stop talking. This will probably only remain a friends with benefits situation and it seems like you want more. If that's the case, you'll end up with a broken heart.