Monday, April 5, 2010

Update 21

I can't begin to tell you how hesitant I am to write this update... I have been getting a lot of grief about liking Crazy Guy... I am not sure when I changed his name from Gorgeous to Crazy guy but I did...
Since my last update of going back on jdate and meeting other guys, I have still been seeing him and talking to him. I want to say that everything is great and defend my reasons for liking him and dragging this on but I committed to being honest on my blog so here is the truth....
Things have been difficult over the last 2 weeks. He found out that I was dating other guys and freaked out. I told him that if he didn't want a relationship then I was more then entitled to continue dating. He told me that he is not dating anyone else but he has nothing to offer me and would be holding me back from my future if he agreed to be with me. At the same time, he really likes me and gets upset when I am out with other guys. I still don't get his logic about this whole thing but perhaps he is protecting me from something that he knows about himself that I haven't quite figured out yet. Or he is playing major mind games.
I really don't get him. We talk every day and see each other very often. We act like we are together and all his friends assume that we are. We spent a lot of time over passover grocery shopping and cooking together like a couple... But we fight like crazy.
We still haven't slept together. Half because of me but half because he said it wouldn't be a good idea. I really can't stop questioning why he won't take the next step of saying we are in a relationship... It doesn't make sense to me. I would understand if he wanted to be with other girls but thats not even the issue.
Its starting to get very difficult. And there will be some point where I will need to stop this push/ pull game we are playing. Its also getting to the point where I get a bit nervous that he will find me on jdate or catch me out on a date. Not because I am not allowed but because we fight about it every time and I hate fighting with him. Its also getting to the point were the fighting ends up souring our time together and its becoming less and less fun to hang out. There is also no consistency with him... We can have an amazing day and then the next day he is cold and will start a fight with me to try to push me away or prove to himself that I don't care about him.

Although its very frustrating, I can't really complain because it takes two to tango. I am aware of my part in this insanity. I have the option of ending it and walking away at any point and I keep choosing not to. There is something that is keeping me in this situation.
One of my friends suggested that if I go for emotionally unavailable guys that means that I have commitment issues. I found this to be a very interesting observation. Maybe I go for these guys so that I can blame them for a failed relationship when really these types of relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning. Maybe I am terrified of the idea of spending the rest of my life with one guy. I almost married the wrong guy once, what if I make a mistake and marry the wrong guy and have kids with him etc. Maybe I try to find things wrong with the "good guys" because the thought of actually finding a suitable mate scares the crap out of me...
Who knows??

Another interesting thing I have realized is that in most of my past relationships I have been the one in his role. I have been the controlling, intimidating one that you don't want to mess with. I was bossy and it was a huge mistake to do something to make me mad. I never really considered how uncomfortable this must have been to some of my exs. Now I know. In fact, I even understand why some may have lied to me or bent the truth to avoid me getting angry and freaking out. I am usually a very honest person but I find myself lying to him to avoid conflict. And I often have a knot in my stomach when he starts to ask me questions. I feel like I am on trial. I see a lot of myself and my behaviors and actions in an exaggerated form through him. I have a lot of empathy for my ex fiance after seeing how it feels to be with someone so controlling.
Maybe Crazy guy was sent to me to show me things in myself that need improvement.... And I intend to work on them.
In terms of us... I have no idea what will happen. My guess is that it will run its course and I will take my blinders off and realize that I deserve better. At least I hope thats what will happen.

For now please be empathetic and not so judgmental. Think back to a time where you were stuck in a relationship that was so clearly not healthy but you just weren't ready to get out. And if that never happened to you then thank G-d for how lucky you are to have found your perfect soul-mate. I don't feel like I am done with him yet and perhaps there is a greater reason for that, I just haven't figured it out yet...


  1. If he says he isn't ready to give you what you want/deserve in a relationship - maybe its time to take his words at face value...meaning maybe its not worth your time to wait around while he figures it out. You could miss out on the person you are really looking for while you are waiting for his decision on your relationship.

    For what its worth, I firmly believe that in a healthy & loving relationship, you should NEVER wonder if your significant other love and cares for you. It should be clear 24/7/365. You shouldn't wonder if they are sure about you, and you should never feel as if you have lie to avoid their wrath. These things breeds insecurity and dishonesty, which can quickly lead to picky little fights, which you seem to experiencing. Also, little side note, I'm sure you are well aware, but it seems worth reiterating: absolutely no one is wholly good or perfect. Its learning what you need from another person and what faults you can tolerate that is the most important in finding a partner who suits you.

    I applaud you for being able to admit that you can and do see the (potential and realized) problems in your friendship with 'Crazy Guy' - being able to step back and observe if the two of you are really good partners is one of the most important skills you need to pick a good partner for yourself.

    I wish only the best in your search, and future marriage.

  2. Please ditch him, being with him is not healthy for you, and you're not even getting mind-blowing sex out of it.

    it's better to keep dating than to keep yourself in this, and try to fix him, and fight a lot. please, do the right thing for yourself.

  3. Alright, I was ready to be "empathetic and not so judgmental" up until the point where you said that you are aware you have blinders on.

    How old ARE you really? You sound like a 13 year old teenager who has a crush on her math teacher!


    He has CLEARLY said that you to. Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Are you THAT much of a masochist?

    Try fixing YOURSELF before you get into a relationship.

    Or you know what, forget that go ahead and waste the next 5 years of your life trying to convince a man who doesn't want to be with you. Realize that, yes, IT IS YOU!

    Clearly you're desperate and no man wants an easy desperate woman.


  4. Ok, you are NOT pathetic. Nor are you desparate. You are really working hard on understanding how you feel, and you're doing a great job processing it- very honest. Now you just have to follow up with actions- ie. find someone who is worthy of you! You can do WAY better than some guy who's controlling and insecure and has admitted he can't give you what you want. I once stayed with a jerk that reminds me of Crazy Guy.... and it did not end well, and wasted a lot of time. If you are on a mission to see if there is a man better for you than your non-Jew Ex-boyfriend, does Crazy Guy really fit that bill?

  5. At first I kind of identified with your whole hang up on Crazy Guy because I had a similar thing with my ex. He was emotionally immature, erratic, high strung, insecure, we fought like cats and dogs... but I couldn't get away from him. It only drew me in further.

    But then I remembered that you said you two weren't having sex. See, difference with my situation is that our sexual chemistry was just as crazy as the rest of the relationship and that shit was like high. You're not even having crazy passionate sex with this guy and you're allowing him to get you all worked up into a frenzy all the time?!

    This is what I say... it seems clear that he has some emotional issues and maturity issues. But you like him anyways. There's nothing wrong with that. You just have to change your level of expectations. In other words, I say you just screw him and get it over with. Maybe you're not typically that kind of girl but lets be honest here - you're obviously ridiculously attracted to him which is why you won't leave. But what is just being around someone that you're that attracted to doing for you? Both of you probably have a lot of pent up sexual frustration lol.

    You're a grown woman, go for it. Maybe casual sex isn't your thing but hey, it's freakin 2010. Us girls have needs too lol. And just by the way you describe him i'm sure he's just as crazy and passionate in the bedroom. Just beware though... cause I sense you're getting hooked him like i did my ex, it's like a rush or a high getting all worked up all the time - someone that can bring the passion and fire out of you sexually as well as non sexually.

    You may find yourself in a situation with someone who lights your fire like none other but is bad for you otherwise. Its the risk you take, but already seeing how crazy this guy is about you talking to or dating other guys without you being bf/gf or even slept together, I'm sure if you cross that line with him, he's going to be even more jealous and protective of you and will want you all to himself. Trust me, I see the signs.

    You don't have to worry about him going anywhere. If he was going to leave, he'd have already been gone by now, with or without sex. No guy puts that much effort into spending time with a girl and bringing her around his friends if he's just looking for a hook up.

    He likes you, he's just immature and doesn't know how to express himself. He also may be scarred from a previous situation and has trouble opening up and making himself vulnerable to a new woman. But he definitely likes you... You just have to make a choice here. You may not get the husband you're looking for or the guy thats better than your non-Jewish ex (and you may have to shut down the J-dating)... but I'm sure it will be one hell of ride LOL. (pun intended)

    But hey, you're still young yet. There's no rush for marriage. Have fun!

  6. I am confused. His words don't match his actions, ie, he says he's not ready for a relationship, but he seems to act like he is in one with you. I'm hoping that you are not pushing marriage with anyone-- you've realized you are young, worth the wait, and have removed all that pressure from Jdates and yourself. If so, what is the big deal with labels? See him all you want. Enjoy the company and don't worry about the label.. Frankly, I don't even get the impression that you want to see others until you have worked through what you have or don't have with this guy anyway. Just saying that actions speak louder than words and every time he rails against having a "relationship" he still acts like he is in one... But I was always in it for the fun-- pretty much fell in love by accident with a man who swore he would never marry until he asked me to marry him. And that was a shock.

  7. Actually, having read one of the anonymous comments, I slightly change my advice.

    Have a bunch of sex with Hot Guy, then stop seeing him, since he's crazy, and you don't need that shit.

    but seriously, work out your frustrations with him and yourself by having really great crazy uninhibited sex with him.

    then, after several days, as she said, DO NOT GET HOOKED, and then tell him it's not going anywhere, and you need to take a break from him, and then do so, and truly try to date other people, without him in the back of your mind.

    once you really are over him, and don't need anything emotionally from him, and youre really dating other people, you can booty call him once in awhile, as long as you watch your capacity for addiction (I'm the same way as Anonymous, I definitely get that), and you explain to him from the getgo that this will only be physical, as he is clearly emotionally unready for a relationship.

    but seriously, you must change the status quo.

  8. Much like anyone, you can't help who you like. For whatever reason, you like Crazy Guy, but there has to come a time to be rational. Your posts are not about how great he is, or how he treats you so amazing; they are about the hot-cold treatment he gives you and how you two fight all the time. Imagine if you were reading these posts as if they were written from someone else. What would you think? Would you believe the girl was doing the right thing by staying with someone she has balanced future with?

    Maybe you're right when you say that you have commitment issues and that's why you select these types of guys. Rather than finding all of the guys out there you have no future with, think about what you want and what sort of commitment you're ready to give them. Wasting time on "crazy" guys won't get you there any faster, it's just a longer road to finding a secure person to be with. You've dated some seemingly nice guys (as I've read on here) so why are you choosing now to start dating all of the worst ones? You deserve better!

  9. I'll admit. I wanted to yell at you when I read this..but then I got to the part where you tried to remind us what it feels like to be in relationships and not ready to get out of them yet.

    You're right and I respect that. Especially since I have been in the same situation as you.

    Just a friendly piece of advice though. Don't take too long to leave. Sometimes you can learn the most about yourself from these situations, but if you never get out of it, it will drag you down.

  10. I commend you for continuing to be honest on the blog, even with all the bad comments. I've been with a few guys in similar tumultous relationships before a met "the one." What they taught me was that I was projecting a certain persona that attracted the losers/non-committed types. I began to project a different persona--a girl with a level head who is nice but still very interesting. Then I found HIM.