Saturday, March 20, 2010

Update 19- Just friends, no quotation marks

It has been exactly a month with him. This week was a bit insane.
As usual we got into a fight on Saturday afternoon. I noticed that he creates a fight every Saturday just before I am about to go out to a club with my friends. I even invited him to join but he said he couldn't. Then he told me that I only invited him because I knew that he couldn't come and that I wanted to go and pick up guys. (Please keep in mind that we are supposed to be "just friends"). I assured him (even though I shouldn't have) that I am not interested in picking up guys etc. I even brought my phone into the club, again, to message him while I was there. Wow, I am in a controlling relationship without the relationship...
Then one night this week he invited me to come over to his friend'e house where they were all hanging out. I did. I sat next to him on the couch and I was bbming my best friend. She was asking me if he was still being weird etc so I turned my phone to face the other direction cause I didn't want him to see what we were typing. All of a sudden I get a message from him (yes, he was still sitting right beside me). He asked me what was wrong. I wrote back nothing is wrong. He then excused himself and went into the other room and messaged me that he finds it very odd that I am hiding my phone from him and messaging someone else right in front of him and I better not deny that I am doing that. I told him that I am not having a messaging fight at his friends house while he is sitting in the other room and I offered to leave. He came back and we sat without speaking for another hour. There were a lot of people there so no one realized that anything was going on. After the movie ended we left together. As soon as we got outside I snapped. I said "Why didn't you pay attention to what your friend Sara was doing with her phone or what your friend Jordana was doing with her phone? Why am I the only "friend" who is lucky enough to have you pay such close attention to my every move? Why is it that I get the fighting part of a relationship from you but none of the good stuff? You keep saying we are friends and then you watch my every move and accuse me of going to pick up guys etc?" We fought back and forth, then we went into his car and drove around and talked for 3 hours. He told me that he is confused. He likes me a lot and is really scared to hurt me. He doesn't want to hold me back from dating other people but is unsure how he would react if I did. i said I didn't understand the concept of telling a girl that you like to go date other people. Then he started to talk about money (a conversation all too familiar to me) and it began to make more sense. He told me that right now he is in the middle of starting up a business and that all his money has been put into it. He needs to put all his time and effort into the business and he may have to start to travel a lot etc. He said he doesn't have the cash flow right now to be with me. I tried to remember back to when things went sour with him... He started to act weird and distant right after he saw my house... I explained to him that I do not like him because of what he has or doesn't have and that all the excuses he gave could have a solution. Like if he has to travel I could come visit him on the weekends etc. I told him that because of his own insecurities about money or not being good enough or whatever, he has been trying to sabotage us. But maybe he is right. Maybe he knows the truth. Maybe I would end up resenting him for not being able to go out for dinner or go on trips or buy nice things. Maybe I was lying to myself and he knew better. We fought some more that week. And we also hung out and had a few nice days together.

Friday was his birthday and he was going to have 20 friends over to celebrate. I asked if I could help and he said that his friends were taking care of everything. Well how convenient! I am one of his "friends"! I called up his best friend and asked what was going on for the party. he said e was going to pick up some hummus and pita and alcohol. I said "thats it?" he said ya, we are simple people and thats what we do. I asked if I could help him and he was more then happy to let me. We went out and bought lots of food (for me to prepare) and tons of decorations and decorated his condo while he was at work. He came home and got a bit mad at his friend for "letting me do all of this for him". I told him to just be quiet and let us do something nice for him. He said that he was worried that me doing all of this for him would build expectations. I told him there are no expectations and I am fully aware that we are "just friends". The day of the party I was cooking and baking at his place. His entire family ended up coming over to wish him happy birthday so I met all of them. They were so nice! His mom, dad, brother, sister-in law and niece and nephew. I made them food and we all talked and had a good time. I am sure they all had a million questions about what was going on between the two of us....
They left and I finished preparing everything and went to his room to shower and put on make up and change. When I came out a few friends had already arrived. They all complimented me on how I looked (even though he didn't). The entire night he was giving me credit for everything and telling everyone how much work I did etc. Everyone loved the food and kept telling him that I am so wife material. When I brought out the cake he made a speech thanking his best friend for helping organize the party and then he thanked me for doing the rest of the 98% of the party and how wonderful I am etc. Then he gave me a kiss in front of all his friends... I thought my "plan" (that I didn't realize until just then was a plan) was working!
After everyone left the two of us cleaned up and we went to bed. He told me that I could sleep over because he wanted me to drink and not drive home.
He had quite a bit to drink and was sick for most of the night. He kissed me good night and I fell asleep... Once again, nothing. I was a bit disappointed but refused to start anything as I was trying very hard to be "just friends" and show him that there were no expectations. We got up the next morning, finished cleaning up, I made us lunch and then he went to work. He sent me a message thanking me again and tonight he is going out for a "boys night" celebration of his birthday....

My best friend asked me the real reason I did so much for his birthday. I guess if I am being completely honest, there must have been underlying manipulation underneath my kind gestures. I wanted him to get a good look at what he was throwing away before I accepted that we were not going to be together. I wanted all his friends to see me in that light and when he tells them that he blew it, I want them to tell him how stupid he is. I want us not working out to be all his fault and not mine so that I do not need to take any responsibility for it and I can blame him (common pattern in my life).

I am done trying. Either we will be very good friends (cause I like hanging out with him and his friends) or he will find out that I am going to date other people, get mad and not want to talk to me at all. But in terms of us, we are officially just friends, no quotation marks!
So I am thinking of going back on jdate.... Do I tell him or just let him find out from one of his friends when they see me online?

P.S. You will never guess who I spoke to. Remember number 18? In the middle of a divorce with two kids...
He messaged me randomly (acting like he thought I was someone else) this week and then we talked on the phone for a bit. He made up some story that 2 days after he left here his phone got stolen so he didn't have my phone number or bbm contact but that he thought about me a lot. I didn't believe him but still talked to him... I still love how he talks to me and secretly wish I could see him again. WOW, I need some serious therapy!!!


  1. You sound bored or something. I can not imagine spending that much time with guys who are not giving you what you want unless I was really, really bored. I say stop talking to them altogether and focus your energies on Jdate again. You're really wasting your time and energy on some guy that's just eating you all up. Why do you want to prove to him how great you are? All you're doing is giving and giving to him and getting nothing back.

  2. I think it's time for some tough love here. As one female to another I am just going to say stop it now.

    I've been seeing a trend in your dating and it's getting more and more obvious as time goes on. You date all these guys and some, yes, I think you ditch at the right time. However, I have noticed that anyone who gets more than one date with you, you almost always label a "player".

    Why is that?

    I remember one post you said you went after players in the past and you were done with that, so why are you throwing yourself at them now? You obviously aren't going anywhere with any of these men. So please, next time you see a "player" that you suspect is playing some kind of game to get you, ditch him and fast. If you are really looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with you are DEFINITELY not going to find it in one of these men.

    The married man with two kids? Yeah, stop talking to him. You've been through three players (?) at this point. Last thing you need is to become a mistress and/or a home wrecker.

    I am not a therapist but I am starting to think that part of this whole cycle is because you get a thrill of "breaking" a "player". Men who will tell you anything you want to hear to get with you is not going to be turned into husband material any time soon, and probably not through you.

    So whatever self satisfaction you're going through dating the un-dateable men isn't obviously working. You're getting hung up and heart broken over men you knew were a bad deal in the first place. You throw off a lot of talk like you have a lot of self esteem and self love, but I'm starting to question that if you're throwing yourself at men you know will hurt you.

    The reality is you can go on the rest of your 50 dates and still not find someone to love if you keep going after men like this. If you really want to find someone to spend the rest of you life with, stop chasing after boys and start looking for a man who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Not some guy who is going to give you excuses like money and stage fights with you to break off whatever kind of relationship you two have together.

    Which by the way the guy you've been throwing so much time at the last month, yeah..ditch him too. If you start dating again he's going to get possessive. You can still talk to his friends but you just need to cut this guy out of your life until he grows up. He wants to have his cake and eat it to, and you're letting him.

    I know most of the time you don't respond or really seem to listen to your comments but I really hope you do this one, because as a woman myself I hate to see other girls left to drift with no help from us other women. Sorry that this has been a long tough love rant and I really do hope you find the one for you.

  3. I really appreciate this comment! I just got a similar "lecture" from my best friend... I have no idea why I enjoy the chase or taming the player... I say I don't want it but that is the exact guy I seem to be attracted to... I try so hard to like the nice guys... They just have no edge and they bore me! But I know you (and everyone else that agrees with you) is right... This dating game is so frustrating sometimes! Anyways, thanks for the tough love!

  4. I'd like you to look at your behavior over the past month from the outside. You meet a guy, he makes it extremely clear that he's just a "player" and you say, as you've said many times in the past "Okay- I can play this game too. I don't need a relationship. I can either break his game, or just hang out for fun." (Both never happen and NEVER will). But you hang out with him, and you are correct- he is a player and spells it out for you that he does not want to be in a relationship with you. You persist, you go to his house, you cook him meals, you spend the night- even though he doesn't touch you because he doesn't want a relationship. You persist. You organize his WHOLE birthday party even though his friends were going to take care of it and he did not ask you to do that. You cook for his whole family, for him, you CLEAN up after the party and the next morning, and he just gets sick all night and again no physical. You are acting so desparate it's becoming very hard to read your blog. Coming from a married 27 year old, I have to tell you- STOP being desparate. Those "reasons" he gave for why he can't date you now are ALL excuses. This poor guy has tried every single way to tell you that he is not interested, and yet you keep hanging on to himm, cooking for him, cooking for his family, throwing his party, cleaning up after his friends. It's really sad and you need to stop.

  5. get back on j date and try meeting a few guys you aren't instantly attracted to... some guys become "HOT" because of their personality and the way they treat you...
    i'm still looking for him, maybe we'll both find one :-)