Thursday, March 25, 2010

Update 20

Things got a bit out of control....
As soon as I got back on jdate it was like I was a crack addict who just took my first hit of crack after a month of being clean. I logged on and spent 7 straight hours reading messages I had gotten over the past month, seeing which new people were on-line and chatting with guys. I was even late for work. Then as soon as work was over I raced back home and logged back on until 2 am...
Since I am an addiction counselor I started to draw parallels between me and my clients. I was clearly sad about ending things with crazy guy and instead of sitting with my feelings and actually feeling them I needed my next "fix". I needed to run back to jdate to get attention from guys and to be distracted from my feelings of sadness. With all the instant gratification this generation has, its a wonder how any one actually gets the chance to feel feelings and not escape them in some way.
I went to my therapist today and decided that I would limit my time on jdate to 3 times a week and only 2 hours each time. The reward for doing this would be to go on one date.
I don't know where or when this happened but I seem to be in some kind of race to get married. My anxiety to find "the one" is through the roof. Instead of enjoying this experience and enjoying the time I am spending with some of the guys I have met I am running through them with my "husband check list". As soon as the doctor said that he wasn't ready to commit I ran for the door and never looked back. As soon as one thing was wrong with him I bailed. I could have talked to him about it or asked him why he was scared but instead my internal alarm went off saying "don't waste anymore time with this guy... run!" Even with Crazy guy... In a way I was trying to fight the fact that I liked him because I knew that he was not anywhere close to being ready for marriage (not financially or emotionally). I was the one that wanted to keep dating other people while having fun with him. I was the one that pushed away every time he was too kind or warm or loving (at the beginning). I liked him but once again I was afraid to "waste too much time with him". The irony of all of this is that I am wasting even more time by not giving people a fair chance and not being truly open to letting things unfold naturally. I bring up marriage way too soon and I make the first bit of the relationship so intense for them. So in rushing to get married, I am scaring off/pushing away any potential guys from wanting to get close to me and seeing where things go.
Its interesting because one huge reason why people use drugs is because they need to calm down some sort of fear or anxiety about themselves, their futures or life in general. Similarly,I am going from date to date to calm my anxieties about "needing to get married yesterday".
I thought a lot about this today... I wondered who put the idea in my head that I need to be married now. The truth is that I did. I have no pressure from family or friends. Its my own pressure. In my mind I think that I need to be married already. Had I not broken off my engagement, I would have already been married, owned a home, and would probably be thinking about getting pregnant soon. My cousin who is my age is married and about to have her second child. My little sister just bought a house with her fiance and will be married in a few months and many people from my high school are married and having babies. All this is going on while I am playing around on jdate...
So here is the thing... I don't want to sound egotistical but it is not hard for me to get a date and even after a first date it is very rare that the guy would not want a second date... But somewhere after the second date, in the first month of dating I somehow screw shit up. I have never had this problem before... I have been in one long term relationship after another for the last 10 years. I have never really been single and I have never really dated. So what the hell am I doing wrong? Or maybe people on jdate don't feel the need to put in that much effort because "hey, if this one doesn't work out I can log back on to jdate and find 10 more guys/girls to be with tomorrow".

Anyways, that is my rant for now... I have decided to look to other things to calm my anxiety and not use jdate as an escape. I will go on a bit and go on a few dates but not let it occupy too much of my time. I want to put the focus back on me and work on myself more. I have decided to eat better and exercise more. I have decided to put my free time into building up my practice and my other side business. I want to travel a bit more and enjoy my friends and family more. I want to spend more time outside with my niece and my dog. I want to find a way to be happy with myself despite the fact that I am not in a relationship. I want to love me more and not be or act so desperate to get married. I have the rest of my life to be married. This time is to get to know me better and like who I am :)


  1. i'm happy to see that you realized there is no "race" to get married. us young girls can get caught up in that so fast.

    i dont think that you are doing anything "wrong" in terms of "screwing things up". my advice is to seek your passions as a way of calming yourself down. just do what it is you like to do. join a social meetup group with a common theme of something that you enjoy. you will then meet people who share the same passions as you and you might be able to meet some really interesting people that way.

    i hope everything works out. i've really been rooting for you. i live in dc and i love hearing all my friends's jdate stories. i think you're very brave for putting all this out here.

  2. Sounds good, I like the plan. and I use jdate like that too to calm my anxiety about not having found a partner yet. Thanks for laying it out there so well.

  3. I can tell that the doctor you dated was not serious. He was trying to get laid. That is my opinion. Let it go - put it behind you. I am in my thirties and am finally remarried. When I was your age, I thought a lot about what men thought of me, what happened on the date, how they percieved me, and obsessed about it. In my thirties, I stopped caring and lived a happy, successful life and I didn't care if I had a husband or not. This nonchalant attitude attracted lots of men who proposed. They became interested, because they got the vibe that I didn't need them. I would suggest that you only go out with men you find very attractive or interesting (to stop you from wasting your time). Then, don't speak much (let them talk more and tell you about themselves so you can assess if they are liars or stupid or players). If you get a negative vibe that you are being BS'd, or the guy is a player, you don't need to explain this to them. Politely tell them you are going out of town or are very busy with work. Don't worry about their feelings or even your own. Just go on to the next without blinking, thinking or looking back. Keep your eyes forward like a horse with blinders on. You are a smart girl. You will find the right person. Just be patient and follow your intuition.

  4. It's pretty cool that you've been thinking more about yourself as a person instead of as a girlfriend or wife. You're so right when you say that you need to get to know yourself better and to like yourself. You're on such a great journey right now; enjoy it!

  5. MORE MORE MORE.. WE WANT MORE!! I love your posts. You keep me very entertained at work! I hope you find the man of your dreams. Take it one day at a time. Learn to love yourself :)

  6. I think you're growing up! THAT was an epiphany.

    While reading your blog, I have wondered how comfortable you are with being alone. I was in the same situation you were in, feeling I had to get married and have children before the age of 30 (some arbitrary deadline I set for myself). Finally I learned to be happy with who I was (and it's NOT the perfect wife - LOL) and to be fine with being by myself, and began to see dating the way it should be - a way to get to know someone and have fun without all the pressure of finding "the one". Then I found the man who loves me more than I ever thought anyone could be loved and who would do anything for me.

    Good luck! I know he's out there somewhere and you will meet him when the time is right. There is a church near where I live that had a sign not too long ago - "Those who wait on G-d lose no time."