Saturday, July 24, 2010

My Forty Third Date

I have been avoiding posting this one...

I was at a club in Israel and this guy who I know from back home and haven't seen in 5 years walks up to me. From what I know of him he is a great guy. We have a few friends in common and we used to hang out when we were younger. I always thought he was very good looking and funny etc. He gives me a big hug and says how great it is to bump into someone he knows. He is Israeli background and most of his family lives in Israel and the rest live in the states. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said no so he started dancing with me. I could tell that he was already drunk. At the end of the night he took my phone number and kissed me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night with him and I politely declined. He asked if I was free the next day to hang out on the beach and I said I was. I left with my friends and he texted me right away. He said that it was so nice to see me and that he wishes I could have stayed longer and blah blah blah. My best friends boyfriend told me that he knows him well and that he has a great family and he is a great guy and that I should go hang out with him the next day. So I did.
I got dropped off outside his hotel which was right on the beach. As my luck would have it as he came to greet me outside the hotel one of Date number 42's very good friends was walking by and stopped to say hello. It was quite awkward.
We went down to the beach, went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. He seemed sweet and attentive. We held hands, had good conversation and things were going okay. The we decided to go into the water for a bit. After we got out he started to tell me that he would love to live here. He loves being by the water and he feels good while he is here but wouldn't want to leave his family back home. He asked me if I was going to stay in Tel Aviv (thats where his hotel was) and come to a club with him later on. I said that I wasn't sure because I had to be up early the next day etc. We went back to his hotel after the beach (mistake number one). He said that I could use the shower to rinse off all the sand so I did (mistake number 2). I didn't lock the door (mistake number 3) and as I was showering, he walks right in and hops into the shower. I actually felt really uncomfortable. He made it seem like I wanted him in there because I didn't lock the door. He started to kiss me and I felt so uncomfortable that I asked him to leave the shower and let me finish washing up. When I got out of the shower, he went in to finish washing up and I quickly got dressed in the room. I didn't want him to assume I wanted anything by being naked when he got out of the shower. The room was tiny and the only place to sit was on the bed (mistake number 4). When he got out of the shower, he did not get dressed. He only had a towel on and he climbed into bed. He told me to relax (I hate that word more then any word in the english language) and to come cuddle (mistake number 5). He mentioned to me that he would have to leave for half hour to meet his parents but that I could hang out in his room and when he got back we would go for dinner and then maybe out to a club if I was staying in the area. I said that was no problem and that I would wait the half hour (mistake number 6). We started kissing and he kept trying to sleep with me. At least I learned my lesson from date 42 not to do that again. So I decided to do the least slutty thing I could think of that would satisfy him enough to stop trying to sleep with me. Thats right I brought back the HJ! Please don't misunderstand... I wanted to be there. I was attracted to him, I have known him for years and liked kissing him and being intimate with him. So this was in no way forced, I just had no intentions of having sex with him and every once in a while there is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned HJ :) (mistake number 7).
The second, maybe millisecond that he was done, he cleaned up, hoped out of bed, put clothes on, grabbed his key and cell phone and as he was opening the door said bye, see you in half hour. And he just left me there, sitting in the bed, shocked by the fact that someone would actually just do that. Maybe its the norm but I have never been in that situation before. I am very careful about being slutty and putting myself in situations like that when I am at home so in 27 years that has never happened to me. I normally only fool around with someone that I care about and that at least somewhat cares back about me so I have never felt that disgusting empty feeling of being left in bed like a prostitute. I thanked G-d that I hadn't been stupid enough to sleep with him. I felt terrible and I could only imagine how much worse I would have felt had I slept with him. I imagined how it must feel for a 17 year old girl with low self esteem to sleep with a guy and think that he is really into you and then he just gets up and walks out. For some reason I stayed there. Partly because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My family lived in another city and they were at work and could only get me in a few hours. I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and felt gross. It gets worse. After 10 minutes I get a call from him. I am coming back to the hotel to change because my parents are begging me to come out for dinner with them and 10 other people in my family. I am so sorry but I can't get out of this dinner. He knew that I didn't have anywhere to go because I told him when my cousins could come get me. I said no problem and hung up. I gathered up my things and called the guy that I had bumped into earlier in the day (date number 42's friend) and asked him what he was up to and if he wanted to grab dinner. He said he was going out with some friends and that he would love for me to come along too. As I was walking out of the hotel, he was walking back in to change. He kissed me on the forehead and apologized again and said that as soon as he was done he would call me to meet back up. I fake smiled, said nothing and walked out.
I obviously did not hear from him later that night or ever again.

I really don't know how some girls do it. Being intimate with no attachments. This is not a judgement, I seriously wish I could do it. The idea seems fun but I the two times I did it in Israel, I got hurt and didn't feel good at all. I think I will just stick to what I am comfortable with which is not going too far with a guy that I am not sure actually likes me and cares about me. Its just too painful for me and I don't want to be in a position where I feel like that again.
From this experience I went through my bbm list and deleted every guy from home that is "toxic". Guys that don't actually care but want to fool around with me. Or guys that I message when I feel lonely but there is no potential of us actually being together. On that list was crazy guy and the accountant.

Update 33

The second week of my trip was MUCH better. I realized that I had been PMSing the first week and after that ended I was much more tolerant and pleasant. I put myself out there and made more friends. A bunch of people actually said that until they got to know me they thought I was the biggest bitch and now they think I am the nicest person. We went to a bunch of lectures and one that really hit home was about intermarriage. There was some crazy statistic that about 50% of Jewish people in my generation are marrying non Jews and that the chances of those couples having Jewish grandchildren were very slim. I ended up speaking with the lecturer for almost an hour after the presentation and I almost missed the bus. I shared my story with him and he thought that it was very courageous of me to come to Israel to get more connected to my Jewish roots and to figure out “why” I need to marry a Jewish person. We exchanged emails and we are still in touch almost 3 weeks later. The next important part of my trip was in Jerusalem at the Western wall... My wall. I wrote a prayer on a piece of paper and went to the wall to put it in. I touched the wall and said a prayer and I cried a bit. I was expecting myself to have more feeling when I was standing there but I only cried a bit. I tried to stand there longer and to talk to G-d and to ask him questions and to feel an answer but I didn’t. I finally backed away from the wall feeling let down and disappointed. It is customary to face the wall and walk backwards so that you are not turning your back on the wall so I did that. As I got farther away from the wall I could see the entire wall and tons of Jewish people standing there praying and dancing and singing and crying. I watched MY people at that wall. They had come from Israel and from all over the world just to stand there, the holiest place in the world, and talk to G-d. And that’s when I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t just cry, I bawled my eyes out for almost half an hour. For the last 2000 years Jews married Jews who had Jewish children who then married Jews and had more Jewish children just so that I could be born Jewish, just so that we could have a Jewish state and the opportunity to keep our faith alive for another 2000 years to come. I looked at my wall and at my people and I had this overwhelming feeling that I could not dare break the chain. If I make an exception and then my children make exceptions then the Jewish religion through my liniage dies at my wedding. I had this feeling that the fate of the Jewish religion sat on my shoulders. I felt an incredible sense of guilt and shame for considering to end Judaism at my wedding. And still I missed my ex. The ironic thing was that I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted there with me to experience this spiritual awakening. I felt like if anyone could understand it, it would be him.

A week later it was my birthday. I waited the whole day wondering if he would remember or email me or message me. Then I went into my room and saw that I had a chat message from him wishing me a happy birthday. He was still online so I messaged him back. We ended up chatting for quite a while. It was the first time in 7 months that I had a conversation with him. I told him that I was in Israel and that I was looking for some more spirituality. He asked me if there was any chance I was flying through Europe (where he lives)on my way home. I told him “you have no idea how much I wish I was”. He told me he missed talking to me. I told him I missed everything. We ended the conversation with saying that it was a nice chat and hope to do it again sometime. I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake the whole night. I was excited and confused. On one hand I knew that I still felt that I couldn’t be with him and on the other hand there was no one else in the entire world that I would rather be with. It felt like we both had the same feelings. We both loved and missed each other even though we had not spoken in 7 months. I debated booking a flight to go see him. I fantasized about what it would be like to knock on his door and be in his arms. I wanted to share with him how I felt at the wall and I wanted us to come up with a solution where we could be together. The next evening I saw him online and messaged him hello. I’m not sure what I was going to say I just really had so much to share with him and so many questions etc. He wrote me back an email saying that he is still trying to grow and that involves not being back in touch with me. He said sorry and then ended with “I would appreciate no reply to this email”. And just like that he was gone again. I cried. A lot. Perhaps once again G-d had to intervene and do for me what I was not strong enough to do for myself. I was so upset and confused. I needed to break my tie with him.

The next night I called up the 24 year old (date 42). We went out with friends and I ended up spending the night. I went with the intention to sleep with him. It has been 9 months since I have had sex and the last person was my ex. I figured this guy was a safe person to sleep with. He was not from my state, we knew none of the same people and he was not really a potential to be with after we left Israel. And so I did. He was very passionate and gentle. We spent the next day together on the beach and then thats the last time I saw him. I don’t regret it but I felt as if I had in some way betrayed or cheated on my ex. It was a very strange feeling.

A few days later I went to get a blessing from the wife of one of the biggest rabbi’s in Israel. Normally I would never do something like this but my rabbi at home strongly suggested it and went through hoops to find someone who would meet me there and try to get me in. I decided to trust my rabbi and go. There was a line up outside her door. People coming from all over to get a blessing. There was a man at the door sending people away. He said that the rabbi was in the hospital and that his wife was not feeling up to seeing people today. For some reason I had a feeling she would see me. The man that I was with whispered something into the guys ear. He went inside and came back outside and said that she had agreed to meet with me. I went in and I told her my story. It was a bit hard because she didn’t speak any English and my Hebrew is limited. She gave me her blessing for health and happiness and a Jewish home. It was a very interesting experience to be in her home and to hear her speak to me and bless me. I am not sure what to think of it, and not sure how much I believe in it but I am glad that I went. I hope her blessing comes true for me.

If I had a magic wand, I would have my ex and a Jewish home. But I don't.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

My Forty Second Date

This is the one that I met at the club. We started dancing together and he told me that he was my age. I ended up getting very drunk and we kissed on the dance floor. He took my number and I figured I would never hear from him again. The next day he called. We figured out that both our trips would be in the same city in a few more days so we made plans to meet up again. Because of what happened with number 41 I had to sneak away from my group to meet him. I met him and his group and we had a great night! I ended up hanging out more with some of his friends from the group then I did with him. He admitted to me that he was not my age. In fact, he was more then 3 years younger then me! I felt like a cougar :) Surprisingly enough, his age didn't really bother me. I thought he was cute and he was obviously mature enough to keep my attention. I had never dated anyone that was younger then me. My ex was the youngest person I have ever dated and he was 4 months older then me. After that we spoke almost every day and made plans to meet up in Israel after both our organized trips were over. And we did! We hung out a few times together and I was really starting to like him. Even though he lived in another state, was still a student, was not very tall and still lived at home, I liked him. He was very passionate and attentive and made me feel desired and cared about. Since my ex, he was the best kiss I have had in 9 months. We had insane chemistry and were very attracted to each other. For the first time in a long time I really wanted to be touched and kissed and hugged... I will have to fill you in with what happened with us in my next update.....

My Forty First Date

This date lasted almost 2 weeks...
This guy was one of the very few attractive guys on my trip and the only one of them that was older than me. We hung out together the second night and had a heart to heart about dating. We talked about our past relationships and about sex etc. He told me that he dates models. I told him about my ex and that I have not really been able to move on since him and that I have not slept with anyone since him. This challenge obviously intrigued him cause the next day we both got drunk and he took me and a few other people for dinner. Our first kiss was in the bathroom... soooo romantic! He is the "high roller" type. He paid for the entire table's dinner and drinks. He fits the spoiled rich kid mold to a tee. That night we watched a movie together in his room until his room mates got back. He said he needed to get something so he left the room and came back with another room key. He had gone downstairs to get us our own room. I was so angry at him. I asked him what he thought was going to happen in there??? He promised me that we would just finish the movie and then I could go back to my room. We finished watching and kissed and fooled around a tiny bit. Then he walked me back to my room. We didn't hang out at all the next day but at night we drank again at dinner and he kissed me again. Then after dinner we went to a club and met up with other trips from all over the states. I started dancing with a guy from another trip (he will be number 42) and he came up and kissed me while I was dancing with him. I pushed him off because it was so rude of him. It was like he was claiming his property or something. The entire next day he was so rude to me and would not talk to me. Then in front of a bunch of people he called me a slut and I snapped. I may be a lot of things but a slut is not one of them! the next day we sat down and talked and it eventually came out that he was hurt and embarrassed that I went with the other guy. I explained that I had no idea he would even care since we just met and kissed and both made it clear we were not looking for anything serious but I apologized for hurting his feelings.He also said sorry for calling me a slut and embarrassing me in front of the people. We spent the rest of the trip just hanging out, usually at night and kissing. By the end of the trip most people knew there was something going on so we were more public about it. The best day was when we went zip-lining together. We kissed in mid air across the entire zip line! it was such a romantic rush!!! Although we had a great two weeks together it is difficult to say who is a bigger princess, lol... He is very high maintenance and we are not what each other is looking for. I had fun experiencing Israel with him and maybe I will see him when I get back home but I highly doubt anything will come of it.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Update 32

Israel!!!!!! I have been here for almost a week. I love it here. I feel like its home. My trip has alot of socially challenged people whose parents probably insisted that they go on the trip to meet new friends and possibly their soul mates. At first when I met everyone at the airport I thought I had just signed up for the worst 2 weeks of my life. I called my best friend and said "what the hell was I thinking??? How am I going to connect with anyone and not want to kill these annoying people or myself??" Then I met the most amazing girl in the world! I actually feel like she is my Bashert, lol! Its like we have known each other for 20 years. I told her that I was supposed to meet my soul-mate on this trip and then she said "well, stop looking you already found me!" And it was sooo true!! I hope you are not worried that my blog is taking a lesbian turn cause its not ;) But I actually feel so connected to her. I am so chilled and not stressed or boy crazy here. I am just hanging out with her and we are having the best time! We are making the best of what g-d has given us to work with! We are the only two girls on the trip that brought a hair dryer, straightening iron and make up. Naturally the other girls spent most of last week hating us and gossiping about us. It felt like the twighlight zone. At home we are both popular and have tons of friends and here we are the minority and we are the social outcasts!! I admit, I got a very interesting perspective after being on this side. I can imagine how someone with low self esteem who was being threated like this from a whole group would have a very hard time. We just embraced the bitchy stereotype and had our own fun! Soon enough we adopted another sweet girl and then a few more joined our crew. They wanted help with their hair and tips about make up. We made a decision on shabbat that we would be nice even though they were all so rude at the beginning. I have been so chilled out on this trip. Drinking every night and just having so much fun. There is one cool guy I guess he will have to be number 41 (I will do that post soon) and the Israeli soldier that is assigned to our group is the most attractive guy in the universe but he is engaged... I have been bbming some of the boys from back home and I still really like the accountant. I need this time to grow and maybe when I get back I will better know myself and what I want. I just feel happy to be here in Israel. It feels so right.

Update 31

I am so sorry that I haven’t updated in a while... I have a few things to update so I will do it in two posts.

A few weeks ago my Bubby (Mother’s Mother) randomly said that after six years of not seeing her oldest sister she needs me to drive her 8 hours to go “say goodbye to her”. I asked her what the hell she was talking about. She explained to me that she is afraid to fly and she has a feeling that she her sister will die very soon and she will not be able to live with herself if she does not go say goodbye to her. My Bubby has four granddaughters. All of them (besides me) call her and visit her on a regular basis however none of them (besides me) would ever agree to get in a car with her for an 8 hour drive because of one of her crazy internal intuitions. She said I have to take her before I leave to Israel. I thought it was strange but I figured I would just do it. So we chose the weekend before my Israel trip. The plan was to leave early Friday morning and make it there before the Sabbath (my bubby’s family is orthodox and observes the Sabbath). The plan was that me, my mom and her mom (my bubby) would pile into the car and be stuck together for 8 straight hours... 3 generations of Jewish neurosis, guilt and co-dependency all together for the weekend. We got a call on Thursday afternoon that her sister was actually very sick and they were not sure if she would even make it until the next day. My Bubby started to panic to my mom who in turn called to panic to me. “I just want to make it there to say goodbye, even if its just for 10 minutes”. I was irritated by the anxiety, panic and urgency in my mom’s voice but felt this unbelievable responsibility to make sure she got there in time. I told them that I had to work til 10 PM Thursday night and that we could leave at 11 and I would drive through the night to get her there. I set a few ground rules. There was to be NO talk of her sister or death or panic for the entire ride. My bubby was required to take sleeping meds to knock her out for the entire ride. My mom was NOT to comment on my driving or grip the handle in a dramatic way as if to prepare herself for a car crash at any point on the trip. I was in charge of the radio because I was driving and needed to be kept awake. After what felt like 4 days of driving, we got to her middle sisters house. She woke up from a full night of sleep and it started.... She said that she had not slept a wink, I told her that I had been listening to her snore for the last 8 hours and she said that was impossible. She started to fix her hair and put on make up and change into nice new clothes in the back of the car. Was I the only one who didn’t think you need to dress up to go see your dying 90 year old sister in the hospital? I started to better understand the way some of her crap has been passed down to me through my mother. Like her, I care what I look like and what people will think. I can’t stand it when she does it but I found some compassion for her and for my mother and even for myself that weekend. We sat in a hospital room all together. My 86 year old grandmother, her 88 year old sister and her 90 year old sister, we are not 100 % sure of their ages cause they all lied to make themselves younger, probably to be more desirable to men or something back in the day. Also there was the next generation... my mother and the oldest daughter of each of my bubby’s sisters. And me. I watched how they all babied their aging mothers and looked up to their children. Although my mother was not raised with her cousins, it was enough that they all had mothers who were exactly like each other for the dynamic in each family to turn out the same. The craziness was so deeply ingrained in all three families, it is no wonder that I am the way I am. The difference is that I choose to seek help and grow and stop the cycle.

The very crazy part was the very next day my 90 year old aunt passed away with her crazy 88 year old and 86 year old sisters right by her side. They had been through everything together. Through the Holocaust, through the murder of their parents and siblings, through marriages, through their husbands deaths, a death of a child, weddings of their own children and births of their grandchildren and now they sat together in a hospital room and shared their last memory together as the three crazy sisters. I spent the weekend observing and reflecting on the dynamics and behaviour of everyone in the family. I learned a lot about myself that weekend. I learned about where I really come from and I better understood why I am the way I am. I was also able to see some of the changes that I would like to make in my own life and not carry them onto my own children. I am glad that I got her there in time. I am glad I witness her saying goodbye to her big sister who she has known for 86 years. I feel like I witnessed a little piece of history. I feel like it is more important then ever to document our grandparents stories cause their generation is dying off and we will have no real connection to the past if we don't document it for our children...