Update 27

My jdate account expires tomorrow and I could not be happier. It was supposed to expire last month but they kept billing my credit card and I only found out by calling that I need to go into my account and un-click the auto renew button... So I will stay logged on most of the day and if someone interesting messages me then I may meet them but after today thats it! Jdate and I need some time apart for a while!! We are going on a break :)

I am proud to say that I have been "date free" for 2 weeks (plus one day, but who is counting)!! I feel like this is an AA meeting, lol. After dating 40 guys and finding something (often shallow) wrong with every single one of them I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I think that if Prince Charming himself rode right by me on a horse, I would find some way to sabotage it at this point in my life. His shirt wouldn't match the color of the horse or something ridiculous like that!

The ironic part of all of this is that my ex (who I still love and miss very much) is not tall or rich or a professional, many of the same reasons I have dismissed so many of these guys. So I think that in some subconscious way I was just trying to find something, anything wrong because my heart is still with him. I think my subconscious logic was that if I am not going to find the perfect guy and I have to settle on something then perhaps I should be with the one I love and settle on religion... I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way that it makes sense that I have been through 40 guys, dated 3 or 4, and had zero work out.

I spoke to my old professor (who taught both myself and my ex and became a friend to many of the students after we graduated) about the whole situation and he sent me back the funniest message....

Wish EX and you could have worked it out. Maybe you will. I'd like to think I would convert for a girl like you, but that would be me. I suppose in the end one has to be true to self. I just hope it doesn't hurt for too long and if he doesn't come calling, a great guy--let's hope silly rich--sweeps you off your feet.

I know it has only been 2 weeks but it feels right to be alone. I feel sad some nights but I know that it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. I don't want to go on anymore F-ing Jdates! I can't! I won't! I am frustrated and annoyed and I might just lose my mind!!I don't want to go for bubble tea or coffee or dinner and stare at my watch or wonder why I have agreed to put myself through hours of annoying, boring conversations.

I have no clue what I am looking for even though I pretend that I do.

I know that I have 10 more dates to go on to get to 50 but I can't run through them like a marathon runner. I am petrified to get any closer to number 50 cause I still have no idea what happens when I get to the finish line. Jdate is not the right place for me to find love right now. It feels forced and unnatural. If I happen to meet someone while I am out and we click then great if not then I will deal with being by myself :)

I have heard everyone's comments. The nice ones and the not so nice ones. It is weird that a bunch of strangers would have an impact on my life and the decisions that I make. I have decided that when I come back from Israel, I need to figure out a way to make more money (either by getting a day job or busting my ass to get more clients). I need to start to look for a condo to buy and move out of my parents house. I love them dearly and they are really good to me but by living here and being somewhat dependent on them they treat me like a child and I, in turn, act like one.

A few things that have happened with past guys this last 2 weeks...

CRAZY GUY: Out of no where, 2 months after not speaking, I get a bbm. We chatted for a bit and he finally got to his point which was very bluntly stated "can we be friends with benefits". Naturally, I freaked out. I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was.... I hadn't slept with him while we were dating why on earth would I want to be his F*#k Buddy? I asked what planet he was on, where girls just ran over when he snapped his fingers! I was livid! He tried to get out of it by saying he just wants to cuddle and watch a movie blah blah blah. I said no. He tried for a few days and then I actually bumped into him. I took my dog and my niece out for ice cream on a busy patio street in our area. He was two doors down having lunch and saw me and came over to say hi. He looked AMAZING. He sat down and made small talk. He was insulted that I hadn't gone over to say hi to him. He messaged me later that night to try one last time. Although after seeing him, I was slightly tempted I decided it would be a mistake to get wrapped up in his drama again. I politely declined.

COP: Haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. He ended up deleting me from everywhere after I didn't talk to him for a few days. I found that he made a new profile on jdate. He says that he is a doctor, actually a surgeon to be exact. He says he loves to dine in the area that we went the last time when the bill was so much that he let the other guy cover it, lol! He basically described that he is the best most perfect catch in the universe. I read it and laughed my ass off!! He is so deranged! What happens when he meets a girl, has no car to pick her up in, doesn't know a thing about medicine and has to take her back to his mom's 1970's decorated basement??? You think she will figure out that he is lying, lol!!!!!

ACCOUNTANT: He has been messaging me since we bumped into each other at the crazy dramatic party 3 weeks ago. We have tried to make plans a few times but it has not worked out. I think he is still angry about what happened with his friend. If he gets over it maybe we will hang out, if not then not :)

My Fortieth Date

This date was about a week and a half ago but I just haven't gotten around to writing about it... yes, it was THAT interesting!

I'm not sure if you recall the party from hell 3 weeks ago but there was one more missing piece. A few days after the party I got a facebook message from some guy saying that he saw me at the party, thought I was pretty and didn't have enough time to come say hello. But we have a mutual friend that told him my name and so he looked me up and asked me out.

I found out that he was an anesthesiologist and he was good looking in his pictures and seemed nice on the phone. So I decided to meet him.

I think he might just be the best in the business.... Let's just say that he didn't need any anesthesia to put me to sleep on our date!!!

Holy Boring Batman!!!!

We met for bubble tea, obviously. We ordered right away and got straight to talking... about anesthesiology.... yay! One of my all time favorite topics to discuss! He told me all about med school and residency and "funny" stories about patients in the operating room. HAHAHAHA, shut the F up!!!! I wanted to shoot him, like in the face!!! How can someone not know that it is not interesting or cool to talk all about yourself and what you do especially since I am not a doctor and have no interest in the wonderful world of anesthesiology! He told me about his past with dating girls and how he is always the one that gets hurt and that most girls don't get his humor and wit... Do you start off all your relationships with that introduction???? Maybe if you tell me that, I will want to be the one girl that is different than all the others who really tries to get your self centered-ness and hilarious operating room humor!! How is that intro working for you??

The bill came, not soon enough, I offered to pay, he made a dumb fake laugh and said "as if I can't afford $10 bubble tea". As if you could please hurry up, pay the bill, and get me the hell out of here!!! He walked me to my car, even though I told him not to. At the car he leaned in for a kiss and I gave him my cheek. He asked if I wanted to go for sushi with him next week. I said "I'm not sure... we will see how busy I am next week". (And how masochistic I am feeling to want to put myself through another few hours with you!) he said "wow, so I guess this date was about a 6 out of 10 for you". I had no idea what he meant by that so I just smiled and jumped into my car. Like actually did a running leap!

He waited the standard "don't want to look too desperate" 3 days to call. He left a message but I didn't call him back. He then called a second time 3 days after that but did not leave a message. Haven't heard from him since.

BTW, What is with that 3 days waiting period? Only the desperate guys with no self confidence are the ones who wait the 3 days hoping not to look desperate and like they lack self confidence... oxy moron I guess...

Update 26

The last time I saw my ex was just over 7 months ago when I left him at the airport for him to fly back to Europe. I was hysterical. I cried so much at the airport and for a few days following. I had a strong feeling that it was going to be last time I would ever see him again.

This week my best friends boyfriend moved back to Israel. Her tears brought back a lot of memories and pain for me. I remembered exactly how I felt when he left. I still think about him every single day even though I have not spoken to him in over 5 months. I thought that I would have no problem finding another guy to fall in love with but 38 guys later and I just don't feel the same way about any one else. I may just be extra emotional this week cause I am PMS-ing to the max but I have missed him this week more then usual.

My best friend's parents hate her boyfriend. He is Jewish but they hate him for other reasons. My best friend decided that despite how her parents feel, she plans to marry him and be with him forever. I envy her strength and ability to say screw everyone else, I am fighting for love. I didn't have the courage to do that and I still don't think that I do...

I still haven't slept with anyone since my ex... yes, that means I haven't had sex in over 7 months, fml!!!

My sister is away this week and I am house sitting for her. I decided that maybe I need to sleep with someone else to break the tie and connection that I have to my ex. I had it all planned out. I asked the cop to sleep over at my sisters house with me Friday night. He agreed to come over after we went to a movie. When the movie was over, I started to panic. We went to his house so that he could get his toothbrush etc. and I totally freaked out. I actually think I had a mini anxiety attack. I just couldn't picture having sex with him. I told him that I was getting really tired and that I would need to go to sleep right when we got home. He said that was fine with him. Then I tried telling him that I had to be up super early. He said that was okay too. Then I just said that I wasn't feeling great and maybe it would be better if I just went home by myself and got some rest. He said no problem. I went home alone. I was relieved that he didn't sleep over. In fact I think I may have seriously regretted sleeping with him. I noticed that I have been very distant with him this whole week and I feel bad cause he is starting to pick up on it...

Then tonight we went out for dinner with my best friend and one of my close guy friends. He was being awkward the whole night and not social at all. It was a niceish restaurant and I could tell that he was quite uncomfortable. He even told me that he did not want to go to the club after dinner cause all of this "is not his scene". I told him that was fine with me and that I would go with my friends and he could go home. When the bill came my guy friend put in 150 to cover himself and my best friend and me. The cop put in the remaining 50. I couldn't believe that he let another guy pay for me. I was so embarrassed. I have been feeling like I'm "just not that into him" for the past few days. I am waiting to see if its PMS or if I really don't want to be with him. I don't want to lead him on or hurt him so I need to figure something out soon...

Wow, dating is really stressing me out!!!!!

Seeing date 38 again tomorrow and I might see the accountant this week....

I am also working at my sisters job while she is away for 2 weeks as well as my own job so I am exhausted physically and mentally! Some of my days are 13 hours... One week til she is home and then life goes back to normal (whatever that means). I have learned that I really miss living on my own and having my own space and I also miss being super busy with work. I may decide to buy a condo and get one more part time job when I get back from Israel this summer. I need to make some changes cause I am not so happy right now...

Sorry for this Debby Downer update, hopefully I will snap out of it soon!!!

My Thirty Eighth Date

Facebook suggested that I add him as a friend because we had so many friends in common. So I added him and we chatted over facebook for a few weeks. He went on the same organized trip that I am going on this summer to Israel so we talked a lot about that. We decided that it was time to meet. We exchanged numbers and bbms and set a date for Sunday after work. I got there a few minutes earlier than he did so I grabbed a table. The waitress winked at me because I always come there with a different guy. I can only imagine what she must think of me, lmao!! He walked in and spotted me right away. He was cute and the date was fun. I didn't even realize how much time had passed! The waitress came over and asked if I wanted what I normally get... I was so embarrassed!! I found out that his mom was my third grade math teacher and we did some more Jewish geography and realized we have many friends in common. We talked about what we both do for a living and all the trips we had been on. He is a very adventurous guy and has been on some crazy and exciting trips around the world.

I felt a bit bad because the cop called me and messaged me a few times while I was out with this guy. I know I am allowed to date but I think he would be very upset if he knew that I was...

I hope that it is not decision time yet cause I am not ready to make a decision about the cop....

I am having so much fun with him its insane but I am not quite sure that I want to be his girlfriend or be committed to him.

Update 25

Saturday night I went to a fundraiser/party for cancer research. I knew that there would be a lot of young Jewish people there because of the organization that puts this party on once a year. But never in my wildest dreams did I expect this much drama in one night...

Ok, where should I begin. I saw date number 19. It was pretty awkward. He ran up to me and was sooo excited to see me. I talked to him for a bit and then told him that I had to go find my friends. He kept looking over at me and smiling the whole night...

Number 13 was there, the guy who never called me. One of his friends was hitting on me and added me to facebook the next day. All of a sudden he was being so nice and sweet and wanted to know how I was doing etc. So fake.

Next, I had this girl come up to me and say "you look familiar"... Then she asked me if I ever went on a date with a guy named "number 30" I said I did. She said "I hope you know that he was my boyfriend still when you two went out". I told her that I obviously didn't know that or I wouldn't have gone out with him. I also told her that it was one date and he was not my type. She was asking all kinds of questions like where did you guys go, what did he say to you, when exactly was your date. All I said was that I didn't remember. There was no chance that I was going to get sucked into her insane dramatic universe. I know girls like her and if you answer one question then they don't stop fishing. I just told her that I was sorry that he was such a jerk and didn't treat her the way she so obviously deserved to be treated, ya right!!!!! In any case, by the end of the night she was hugging me and dancing with me and acting like my best friend. I can't stand the fakeness!

I saw the doctor's sister there (number 24) and was worried that he might be there but he wasn't.

Now the super fun part of the evening... Remember the accountant (number 22) the guy who was good friends with the doctor and I was dating them both and chose the doctor...

Well he was there.

He came up to me and gave me a hug and then asked me how the doctor was doing. I said I had no idea and that I hadn't spoken to him in months. He told me that he hadn't spoken to him in months either. He told me that when the doctor spoke to him about me this is what he said... "We are dating the same girl, she told me she likes me better and wants to be with me and not you. She told me that I am much better then you are and I already fooled around with her etc. She told me that she is really not into you and thinks you are just a joke and would never seriously date you blah blah blah." I told him that I did not say that and that I was really sorry to hear that the two of them were no longer friends. He told me a bunch of other stuff that the doctor said about me but I am not sure if he is just lying cause he is upset and his ego was bruised. Then one of his friends said that he wanted to take me out but that he was also friends with the doctor so he would have to check with him first. Then he told me that he was the accountants cousin so I told him that he might want to also check with his cousin cause we went out a few times and kissed.

The next day the accountant bbmed me and apologized for being so harsh with me and told me that he would love if we could hang out this summer cause he missed chilling with me. He also said that he thinks his cousin is a great guy and that the two of us should go out... I don't think I want to be mixed anymore in that crazy "Melrose Place" crew but we will see what happens...

We all hang out in the same places in the summer so I am bound to run into them....

Things with the cop are still going great. He is seriously the funniest man on earth! He hasn't been feeling well so I have been going over quite a bit. His mom is an insane Jewish mother. She treats him like he is 4 and we sit and laugh about it! She knows she is insane and she laughs along with us. Our "relationship" is so stress free as I am not concerned or anxious about planning our future like I normally do. Just relaxed fun!

My Thirty Seventh Date

I don't know where to begin... I don't know if I have the vocabulary to properly describe this in words...

His pictures were decent... Our chat and then phone convo were decent too... He seemed witty and charming... He comes from a Hungarian background and my grandparents are Hungarian... we had a bunch of things in common. We set a date for one day last week. I was running late so I called him and asked if we could meet half hour later. He said sure. Then he called me back and said that he would rather reschedule. I said okay, let's play it by ear because I work most evenings and I am not sure how tired I will be after work. He said that really didn't work for him. He needed to pick a day so that he could put it into his calendar. Talk about being rigid... I was hesitant but I agreed to meet three days later on Thursday after work at 9:30. I called him after work and said that I was about to leave work and to find out where he wanted to meet. He said he was just on his way home from the gym and still needed to shower and shave for our date. He asked if we could meet at 10:30. At this point I was seriously annoyed but my co-worker wanted to meet with me anyways so it worked out. I got to the bubble tea place first. He was even later then 10:30.... I got a table and then he showed up. He did not apologize for being late. He did not look like his pictures. He was awkward and weird and had the most annoying voice and laugh. He was so strange. He stared at the menu for like 10 minutes and asked a bunch of questions about all the items. It seemed like it was his first time out of his house and he was discovering the world for the very first time. He was like "wow, how do they make all

these delicious sounding flavors?" or "Can I really mix two flavors?" BTW, he told me that he goes for bubble tea all the time.... Also, after assessing the menu and asking all his weird questions he ordered a plain earl grey tea. Are you kidding me?? It is the most plain, uninteresting thing to possible order on the entire menu, its not even bubble tea! I ordered my bubble tea and we got a toast with condensed milk to share (one of my favorite snacks at bubble tea). Its a very thick piece of toast with sweet condensed milk on top. When it came I cut it in half and put my half on a separate plate cause I did not want his gross hands anywhere near my toast! I took the crust part off my toast but I still nibbled parts of it that had some sweet stuff left on it and then I put the bitten crust on the side of my plate. I know that sounds a bit gross but the part that is even grosser is that he saw me do that, reached over the table to my plate, picked up the crust, said that he does not like to see food go to waste, and without asking my permission.... ATE MY CRUST!!!!!! Barf times a million!!!!! I was honestly so disgusted at this point I didn't know what to do or say. He kept talking and talking. He was definitely socially challenged (I think that is the politically correct way of saying it, lol). He told me that he is the manager of a huge company and there are hundreds of people that work under him and that he is so super important that the company couldn't possibly run without him. I asked him if he had his MBA to be able to do such an important and difficult job and he said that he only did a business degree in community college but that he was so smart and perfect for the job that they just had to hire him. He did a bit of name dropping, except that I had never heard of anyone he was talking about! He had a weird socially impaired grandiosity disorder. He truly believed that he was this amazing, important, great looking, successful guy. He actually said that out loud. He said that he was a great catch and lots of women want to marry him but he is waiting for someone that is equally as amazing as himself to marry. So when you find yourself asking the question "Why is he 36 and single?" This is your answer!

The date lasted about half an hour. I barely said anything. He kept asking if I was tired. I finally said yes, I am pretty tired since the date started an hour later then it was supposed to. He never for one second assumed it could have anything to do with the fact that he was boring me to death. I admire his ignorance! He said that since I was tired, I should get some rest and we can try this again when I was ready to be more fun. OMG! Thanks dad for telling me when we can "do this again"! How about never!!!! We walked outside and he said "well that was a fantastic first date, do you think we will ever get married?" I burst out laughing and said no! I realized later that he did not say this as a joke... fml! The next day I got a text saying he had a great time, told his parents about me and imagine the small world... his dad was the videographer for my batmitzvah video 15 years ago!!! He took it as a sign I took it as a "kill me now!" I didn't even bother writing back....

Update 24

I talked about the nice guy (date 36) with my therapist... I really wanted to like him. It bothered me and worried me that it was niceness that turned me off... I say that I want a good guy to get married and be a father to my children but then when I find someone like that I am so turned off...

I need to figure out a balance between being a 17 year old girl that wants the "bad boy" and a 27 year old girl that wants a husband.

Meanwhile, things with the cop are still going well. We get along fabulously. We don't fight. We laugh constantly. He is really good to me. He presented himself like a jerk at first but he is not like that at all... He is really a gentleman. He babysat my dog for me last week while I was at work. He takes me out all the time and refuses to let me pay (although I always try). He is talking about getting out of policing and getting a job that pays more and doesn't have such crazy hours. He won't let me drive, he opens my car door every single time even after a month of dating. He said that if he finds a new job soon then we can go to Mexico or Dominican for a week together. I think by keeping it casual I am able to be myself. I have no expectations of him or of a relationship so there is no way for me to get disappointed. I have put no pressure on him or on myself to be anything or do anything and its just lots of fun. I think he really wants to try to make money and I see that he is motivated and driven. I have not mentioned anything about money to him but I think he just sensed that I am driven and motivated and successful and that I would probably want the same in a man. So he is making all of these life changes with out me saying anything or getting involved or trying to control the situation (which I have been known to do!) It feels like whatever happens will happen... I have no expectations and its refreshing anf fun!

I am still free to date although I haven't been doing much of that since I met him...

Also, I was accepted onto a young professional trip to Israel for the summer! I am so excited as I have been wanting to go ever since my ex left in October. The rabbi has been trying to get me to go and I have been feeling like I need to be there to get some clarity at the wall. The trip is 2 weeks long and then I will be extending my stay for 2 more weeks to see family and friends! My best friend will even be in Israel at the same time so its going to be an unbelievable trip and I can't wait!!!!

I have started to put the focus back on me. I have been working on my websites and marketing for both my companies so that they will grow and I will be busier with work and have less time to worry about nonsense. Having the cop in my life right now really eases the anxiety of my "husband hunt" and allows me to focus on more important things! Plus I feel refreshed and in a great mood most of the time!

My Thirty Sixth Date

This guy was super nice. Almost to a fault. In his pictures he was tall, muscular, good looking and confident. On the phone he was more like a nervous ugly teenager excited to talk to head cheerleader. I tried to believe that he was just being really nice and that maybe in person he would relax and be himself. He called a lot and said that he was "sooo super excited for our date". He told me that he showed my picture to his co-workers and that they all said I was pretty and they were excited for the date too... okie dokie....

He also teaches grade 2 and told me that even his students were excited for our date... double okie dokie...

In theory he is a great guy. He loves children and animals (has a dog that he refers to as his son). He has a good job, close with his family, has a condo and a car and is really really nice. But there was just something too over the top about his niceness. It became almost creepy...

I called him when I was done shabbat dinner to make plans to meet up. We decided to take one car. So I got to his condo and instead of offering to drive, he hopped into my car. A bit strange but no big deal....

We decided to grab dessert. He handed me a picture that was drawn by his students. He had gone onto facebook, looked me up and printed pictures of me and my dog and had his students paint them. Again, in theory this is really cute and sweet but on a first date it borders the line of being a huge awkward, weird, creepoid!!!!

We sat down, he let me order and we shared a crepe. He got a text from a co-worker and showed it to me. It said "Wow, any girl that likes crepes is a keeper!" First of all how did she know we were having crepes and second of all why is everyone so into this date but me and third why would he show me that message??

We talked mostly about our dogs and about his students and about all his tattoos. His arms were covered in them and they all had special meanings which he told me about.

I am telling you that his look did not match his personality in the least!!!! A big strong tattooed guy that was gushing and mushing all over the place!!!

After that I took him back to his place and he insisted that I meet his son (dog). I went up for 10 minutes to see the dog who was in fact one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen!!

The place was a mess and it smelled funny. I said that I had to get home and I left and went to see the cop :)

Update 23

Still haven't talked to crazy guy in over 3 weeks, woo hoo!

I have, however, been hanging out a lot with the cop (Date number 31)...

It's been very light and casual and hilarious! I laugh from the minute I see him to the minute I leave! He is so funny! We go out out a lot which is a change from the last 2 guys I dated where I just sat in their condos all evening watching TV or movies or cooking...

We have gone to watch bands, to see his friends jam, to movies, for dinners, I even went to go see him do stand up comedy and he was soooo damn funny!

He met my mom for two seconds when he came to pick me up... I hurt my ankle very badly and couldn't drive and I wanted ice cream badly! So he came to get me and took me out for ice cream :) I like it when guys that are normally assholes do nice things and show that they care. I met his mom and step dad as well.

A few things that are starting to turn me off.... He is 33 and lives at home. He has a good job but does not seem to have any money saved up which is s huge red flag for me. Also, he keeps talking about going back to school cause he doesn't want to be a cop anymore... I have no desire to wait four years until he gets out of school and starts working to pay off student loans... He will not be actually making money for like 6 more years.

For now, I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh and feel carefree! I have continued to date other people and do not want to commit to him because I do not see a real future with him. Since we both live at home we have not had much privacy and therefore have only kissed in 3 weeks of hanging out. I'm not sure about him but I am happy taking things super slow and just having a good time, going out, hanging with friends etc...

I hung out a few more times with the Family friend (date number 35)...

He came out for my best friend's birthday last Saturday night and had a few too many to drink and asked me to come home with him. I said that I did not want to and he kind of flipped out and got mad and left without saying goodbye. He apologized the next day but I have not seen him since then. He has messaged me a few times this week but I am really not interested in him. I may bump into him this weekend or next and it won't be weird but I do not want to be with him....

I have been thinking quite a bit about my ex... I have had a few dreams about him this week. I am over half way done my 50 dates and I haven't found anyone that makes me feel like he did...

Just thought I would share that...

My Thirty Fifth Date

Not from Jdate... 10 points!

He is my best friend's close family friend. They grew up together and then stopped hanging out for years because he was away at school etc. She once suggested that I meet him but it never happened and then I was dating someone else and I tried to convince her to go for him because their parents were already best friends and he was a "good catch". He started to come out with our group of friends in the last few months but I wasn't interested or I was dating the doctor or the crazy guy and nothing ever happened. Then about a week ago I added him to facebook because I was making a surprise party for my best friend and wanted to invite him. We started chatting one afternoon and were both not busy and hungry so we decided to grab sushi. I really didn't think it was a date, cause we have been hanging out for a few months now but turns out it was....

We met at sushi and ordered EVERYTHING! We ate more then 5 people would eat at a dinner and it was lunch time! We had good conversation and laughed a lot. We talked about what I do and about his new job that he was excited about. He paid for lunch and then asked if I wanted to go to the mall with him. I said sure! We went to the mall and it was like going with my best friend... They are both Russian background and care a lot about designers and labels and the latest styles and trends... It was like he was the guy version of my best friend! He knew all the hottest designers and has great style and fashion sense. It was so much fun going with a guy that appreciates shopping! So rare! Anyways, it was a really great day. No pressure, care free and lots of fun. Two days later we went out again. He invited me to a movie and in the middle of the movie he leaned over and kissed me. At first I moved away... I was like "oh G-d, why is he ruining a good thing already!" I know his parents and see them all the time, so if we hook up and dont work out then it will be awkward at parties etc. He didn't care.. he tried again... I kissed him back. It was okay. No crazy sparks or anything but that may have been from all the stuff going through my head at the time. I spoke to my best friend about it... She thinks we would be a good match... He is successful and comes from a good home. She thinks he is really good looking, I think he is okay... He is also the type to not want to be in a committed relationship and I am not even sure that I would want to be with a guy like him...

Anyways, I'm sure we will hang out again and either something more will happen or we will go back to how it was...

I am still on the fence with him... Not sure if he is a good idea or not....

Update 22

Where do I begin??

The day after my last update was crazy. I had just updated that things were going okay with Crazy and that I liked him and wanted to be with him and I tried to defend what I was doing with him and the next day this happened....

Monday he was being quite distant. He said he wasn't feeling that well and he was hot because the air conditioner hadn't been turned on in his condo yet. He invited me to come out with his friends to break Passover at a sushi restaurant the following night. I was feeling really insecure abut how distant he had been so I messaged him on Tuesday afternoon and asked him if I could come over instead of just waiting until dinner time. He said that he was playing playstation with some friends and that I would be bored. I said " ok, then I won't come over". He said one of his famous passive lines that drives me up the wall "Do what you want".

I didn't go over. I waited til dinner time and went for sushi with him and his friends. I probably shouldn't have but I did. He was being weird. He didn't touch me at all. Two nights before he was all over me and couldn't keep his hands off of me and tonight, nothing. After dinner we went back to his condo with his friends and watched a Hebrew movie. I am the only one that is not fluent in Hebrew so I kept interrupting to ask "what did he say?" If I touched his hand, he moved it away and pretended to wipe sweat off his forehead. After his friends left I tried to touch his hand one more time and he moved it again so I got up and sat at the other side of the sofa. He asked what my problem was and we argued (only during commercials of course cause while the show was on I had to be quiet). I told him that it did not feel very nice to touch him and have him move away and avoid me and make me feel undesirable. I told him that it did not feel very nice that I am the one who has been making plans with him that last few times and that he doesn't seem excited to see me or make plans and its like he does me a favor like "sure, you can come over if you want". He told me that I am being ridiculous and over sensitive. He said it is because he is not feeling well and that its hot in his place. That I should stop planning and controlling and trying to force things to happen and just to let them happen naturally. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up at 3:30 AM, he was still on the other end of the couch watching TV paying ZERO attention to me. He said that I looked too tired to drive home and that I could go sleep in his bed. I don't know why I said okay... but I did. I went to the washroom and got ready for bed, by the time I got to bed he was already in it, watching TV. I put my head on his shoulder and he left it there for a bit and then told me that I had too much hair and it was making him too hot. I rolled over to the other side and felt like such a desperate loser. How had this happened? I am confident and I think so highly of myself usually. I looked over and he had actually moved to the foot of the bed. The farthest possible place away from me that he could be. I took my phone and bbm mesaaged my best friend who was visiting Europe so it was already 10 AM where she was. I told her what happened and she wrote "Get your clothes on and get the F*ck out of his place you loser!" All of a sudden everything changed in my mind. What the hell was I doing? No man should make me feel like this especially not a Crazy, mind playing, manipulative ass! I got up and started to get dressed. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was going home. He got very angry and yelled at me. He said "I told you that I am boiling hot you don't need to be so immature and dramatic and leave just because I am lying at the foot of the bed". I said I didn't care and if he was so hot then I didn't need to stay and crowd his space. He said his famous line "do what you want" which was ALL I needed to hear to walk out. He followed me out into the hall and gave me a hug and said sorry and to drive home safe. I said nothing and did not hug him back. He messaged me to see if I got home. The next day he messaged me and I gave him cold, one word answers.

My therapist suggested that I try doing the exact opposite of my gut reactions. Normally I would answer him right away or go over there or make sure he did not feel rejected or unwanted. So I decided that the opposite of that was to only worry about myself and how I feel. If I didn't feel like answering because I was out then I didn't answer. I didn't pretend that everything was okay because it wasn't. He asked me why I was ignoring him and I told him that there was no point to discuss it because I am not interested in fixing anything with him. The messages got less frequent and the last one was a very rude message on Saturday night (he was obviously drunk). He was trying to ruin my evening so I didn't even open it until I got home. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I intend to keep it that way. His friend called me and told me that he is very upset but he is too proud to call me. I said that it was better that way because we don't have a future together and we would have driven each other insane if this went on for very much longer. I do miss all of his friends cause they were amazing to me but its for the best. I do not regret any time that I spent with him or anything that happened. It all happened for a reason and made me a stronger person and made me realize one more thing that I do not want in a man.... CRAZY!

My Thirty Fourth Date

His picture was a kind of nerdy looking but he seemed to have this great confidence about him. He gave me his number and I called him with my number blocked. The conversation was good. He was smart, well traveled, cultured and a mensch. He spoke to me as though he thought he was the sexiest man alive. He was very confident in himself and in his achievements and I found it attractive in a weird way. I agreed to meet him that same evening. We met at a bubble tea place after work one night. The conversation was good until he started to throw some "fun facts" at me. He told me that I shouldn't wear contacts too often because over time the microscopic hairs on my eye ball would stop producing moisture and blah blah blah. He told me that the tapioca in bubble tea was made out of pork and I told him that it was made out out rice and potato and we argued about that for a while until the waitress told me I was right. Which he still didn't believe and told me to make sure to look it up when I get home. I told him that I didn't care to do that because I don't even order my tea with tapioca! And then the real fun part was when he started to explain to me what he does for a living. Again, I am not an uneducated moron but know your audience for G-d sakes! Know that I do not look like someone that would be interested in talking about mechanical engineering for half an hour!

Also his confidence really did not match his look. He was a really nice dorky looking guy with out dated glasses (so that he could keep his microscopic eye hairs healthy of course!). He said things like "you are lucky that I gave you my number and met with you on such short notice cause I normally don't do that".

He took care of the bill when I went to the washroom which I thought was a gentleman move. He walked me to my car and told me that he requests a call to know that I got home safe. I told him that I was not going straight home. He got a bit demanding and said well then call me when you get somewhere safe so that I know you are okay. I get the protective thing but it was a bit too soon to demand a call from me and I didn't like the way he said it. The truth is that perhaps if I liked him, I would have found that so sexy but I didn't like him so I found it annoying.

I didn't call him when I got to my friends house and he didn't have my number and he seemed confident enough to get the message and not be insulted. I would actually really like to find a nice girl for him cause I think he would be a good boyfriend, just not for me...

My Thirty Third Date

We chatted over bbm for about a week. His picture was cute but his profile said he was 5’8 which is a bit shorter then I am attracted to. We had a few good conversations over the phone and I agreed to meet him. He said that we should meet half way so I met him in a mall parking lot and we took his car. I asked him where we were going and he said that it was a surprise. The real surprise was when we got out of the car and he stood next to me. He was not 5"8. He would not have been 5"8 even if he was wearing 3” heels!!!! He was maybe my height. He was also my weight and I think we even had a similar petite body type. Very sexy.... NOT! He told me that he owned his own company and had just bought a house and that everything was complete in his life except for that special someone.

Then he started to lecture me. He lectured me about life in general and then specific things like the fact that I still lived at home. He lectured me about the importance of keeping kosher and he even lectured me about spending too much money on “stupid” things like expensive clothes.

The real kicker was when we started to talk about “our” wedding. I’m not sure how the conversation started as I was tuning in and out for most of his lecturing and I don’t remember agreeing to marry him. He said that he would never let our parents pay for our wedding. I told him that most people in our community have their parents pay for their weddings and that my parents were prepared to pay for the wedding that I called off and for the wedding that my sister is planning and I didn’t see anything wrong with that. He said that he would want to pay for his own wedding. I asked him if he knew how much a Kosher catered wedding would cost. When I told him, he almost fell off his chair. He said that there was no way he could afford a wedding like that as he just bought a house using all of his savings and was trying to pay it off. I told him that perhaps he should do his research before he makes bold statements like “ I will pay for my own wedding”. He tried to look like a macho man and a high roller but ended up disclosing that he doesn’t even have any cash flow right now.

His lecturing and his arguments based on no logic were really beginning to irritate me and I am sure he could pick up on my cold and disengaged responses. That was when he gave me a lecture on the importance of being nice on a date and on first impressions. I thought I was going to punch him in the face! Who the hell did he think he was giving me lectures on my behaviour on a date??? Perhaps if you were not the shortest most obnoxious man on the planet I would be a bit nicer and more receptive! Ever think of that asshole???

When the bill came he pulled out enough cash to cover the whole bill and I pulled out my credit card. He looked at my card and then took back half the money he put out and actually split the bill with me. He asked why I offered and I said “because it was the right thing to do and I am into doing the right thing”. He said “I can appreciate that”. I was about to say “and letting a woman pay on a first date is not the right thing to do you idiot!” But I just smiled and prayed to get to my car as fast as possible. When we left the restaurant he asked if I wanted to go for drinks to another place. I told him that I was tired and needed to get home. He took me back to my car and asked to see me again. I didn’t say anything, I just got out of the car. NO THANK YOU!!!!!

Update 21

I can't begin to tell you how hesitant I am to write this update... I have been getting a lot of grief about liking Crazy Guy... I am not sure when I changed his name from Gorgeous to Crazy guy but I did...

Since my last update of going back on jdate and meeting other guys, I have still been seeing him and talking to him. I want to say that everything is great and defend my reasons for liking him and dragging this on but I committed to being honest on my blog so here is the truth....

Things have been difficult over the last 2 weeks. He found out that I was dating other guys and freaked out. I told him that if he didn't want a relationship then I was more then entitled to continue dating. He told me that he is not dating anyone else but he has nothing to offer me and would be holding me back from my future if he agreed to be with me. At the same time, he really likes me and gets upset when I am out with other guys. I still don't get his logic about this whole thing but perhaps he is protecting me from something that he knows about himself that I haven't quite figured out yet. Or he is playing major mind games.

I really don't get him. We talk every day and see each other very often. We act like we are together and all his friends assume that we are. We spent a lot of time over passover grocery shopping and cooking together like a couple... But we fight like crazy.

We still haven't slept together. Half because of me but half because he said it wouldn't be a good idea. I really can't stop questioning why he won't take the next step of saying we are in a relationship... It doesn't make sense to me. I would understand if he wanted to be with other girls but thats not even the issue.

Its starting to get very difficult. And there will be some point where I will need to stop this push/ pull game we are playing. Its also getting to the point where I get a bit nervous that he will find me on jdate or catch me out on a date. Not because I am not allowed but because we fight about it every time and I hate fighting with him. Its also getting to the point were the fighting ends up souring our time together and its becoming less and less fun to hang out. There is also no consistency with him... We can have an amazing day and then the next day he is cold and will start a fight with me to try to push me away or prove to himself that I don't care about him.

Although its very frustrating, I can't really complain because it takes two to tango. I am aware of my part in this insanity. I have the option of ending it and walking away at any point and I keep choosing not to. There is something that is keeping me in this situation.

One of my friends suggested that if I go for emotionally unavailable guys that means that I have commitment issues. I found this to be a very interesting observation. Maybe I go for these guys so that I can blame them for a failed relationship when really these types of relationships are doomed to fail from the beginning. Maybe I am terrified of the idea of spending the rest of my life with one guy. I almost married the wrong guy once, what if I make a mistake and marry the wrong guy and have kids with him etc. Maybe I try to find things wrong with the "good guys" because the thought of actually finding a suitable mate scares the crap out of me...

Who knows??

Another interesting thing I have realized is that in most of my past relationships I have been the one in his role. I have been the controlling, intimidating one that you don't want to mess with. I was bossy and it was a huge mistake to do something to make me mad. I never really considered how uncomfortable this must have been to some of my exs. Now I know. In fact, I even understand why some may have lied to me or bent the truth to avoid me getting angry and freaking out. I am usually a very honest person but I find myself lying to him to avoid conflict. And I often have a knot in my stomach when he starts to ask me questions. I feel like I am on trial. I see a lot of myself and my behaviors and actions in an exaggerated form through him. I have a lot of empathy for my ex fiance after seeing how it feels to be with someone so controlling.

Maybe Crazy guy was sent to me to show me things in myself that need improvement.... And I intend to work on them.

In terms of us... I have no idea what will happen. My guess is that it will run its course and I will take my blinders off and realize that I deserve better. At least I hope thats what will happen.

For now please be empathetic and not so judgmental. Think back to a time where you were stuck in a relationship that was so clearly not healthy but you just weren't ready to get out. And if that never happened to you then thank G-d for how lucky you are to have found your perfect soul-mate. I don't feel like I am done with him yet and perhaps there is a greater reason for that, I just haven't figured it out yet...

My Thirty Second Date

I met this guy last Sunday afternoon for lunch. He seemed nice. Well spoken. Great job. Pretty cute. A bit short and a bit boring....

Lunch went well. We stayed for almost 2 hours talking about jdate. We exchanged theories about it and laughed about some of our funny past dates. There was no chemistry. He wasn't really connected to Judaism. We talked about Passover because it was coming up that week and he said that he didn't really observe the holiday etc. Also he mentioned that for 2 weeks out of every month he lives in a different state for work. He has his own condo and car there but when he is here he lives with parents and uses their car. I wonder if thats the same story he tells girls there... Anyways, lunch ended and he asked if I wanted to go grab a coffee to continue hanging out. I really didn't. I said that I had to go pick up my niece now so that it wouldn't work out... There was too much that already wasn't working for me with him. Plus, I thought about Crazy guy the entire time...

He called me a few times since the date and I met him once more for a walk in the park. I tried to be interested but I remained bored out of my mind for the entire walk... I politely told him that I was just not that into him.

My Thirty First Date

I found this guy online months ago. We talked a few times on the phone and a lot on msn. Even when I was with the two other guys, we would still chat on msn a few times a week. He has a reputation of being a jerk. He is very forward and crude. He makes rude jokes and has no manners. He is pretty good looking, super tall (like a foot taller then me) and in amazing shape. Also he is a police officer, plays in a band and could be described as white trash. However, he is quite intelligent and is thinking about applying to law school.... Also, i think his humor is quite entertaining and witty.

Anyways, after about 4 months, he texts me on Friday night and asks me what I am doing. I told him that I was at my grandmothers house for shabbat dinner and I was going to go home soon... it was already 11 PM. He told me not to be such a "tight ass" and to meet him and his friends at a bar/club. I was not dressed to go to a club. I was in jeans and my converse shoes but he convinced me to come by. I walked in and looked for the tallest guy in there and recognized him immediately. He gave me a big hug as if we had known each other for years! It kind of felt like that cause we had developed somewhat of a friendship over the last few months. I felt like a little girl... I felt like I was as tall as his belly button, lol!

It was strange to have a first date at a club with his friends but it did ease the tension a lot! And I was surprised with myself that I actually went alone to a club, under-dressed, and with more self confidence then any girl wearing a mini skirt in there!

He was out with a bunch of cop friends who were very drunk but very nice! We sat together in a booth and talked and laughed. It wasn't long before he kissed me. He was very sauve about it. He moved my hair away from my neck and kissed me there and then looked up at me and kissed me on the lips. It was a great first kiss. Not awkward at all and he is an amazing kisser!!! We had a lot of chemistry right away and it felt right to kiss him. He was actually quite cute with me. He made sure I was comfortable, got me a drink (non alcoholic of course), held my hand, put on my jacket etc. he did not live up to his jerky reputation at all!

After the club he asked if I was hungry... It was 2 am but I said sure why not! So we went to a late night Chinese restaurant with one of his friends. We had fun there too! It was a bit weird because his friend was a bit drunk and was totally hitting on me in front of him! He just laughed it off. His friend was younger then me and not Jewish and a real hick! We just kind of laughed at him! He paid for dinner. For some reason with him I didn't even offer to pay. I'm not sure why. I always offer to pay with nice guys but with assholes or players or guys who think they are something I often don't even do the "fake purse reach". We dropped off his friend and then he drove me back to my car. We made out for a bit in his car. I thanked him for dinner and for a nice night and went home.

The second I got home, I already had a facebook message and friend request from his friend, lol!!! I guess he was sober enough to remember my name!

I have seen him one more time since but I will tell you about that in my next update.

I am sooo not into him in terms of a boyfriend or anything serious but I do have a good time with him and am attracted to him. Its never happened to me before that I just like someone physically but have no desire to be with them.... Weird.

My Thirtieth Date

I know I haven't updated my dates in almost 2 weeks... Sorry!!!

I have been keeping up with my time limits on jdate and actually since I set a time limit, I have been on even less then I was allowed! However, before I made my limit, I exchanged contact info with about 7 guys... So I had them on email or msn or bbm or fb or phone.... So I have been pretty busy the last 2 weeks, lol!

I had spoken to this guy months ago but he was busy and I was busy and we never ended up meeting up. He is a 33 year old, semi retired guy. He is very smart and sold his company a few years ago for a lot of money and now he just travels and invests in small companies and watches his money grow....

For some reason as soon as I popped back onto jdate he started messaging me and insisted on meeting me. I wondered why he was so eager as he was not this eager when we first spoke a few months back. We tried to make plans for a few days but I was busy and his eagerness was becoming a turn off. We finally were able to meet on a weekday around lunch time. He said that we could meet at the mall because he needed to return something anyways... I have never had a first date at the mall but why not... I asked him if we would be eating lunch or if I should eat before because it was lunchtime... He said we will just grab a coffee and walk around the mall. For some reason this irritated me. Don't make plans at 12 PM if you plan to just get a coffee... So I took my sweet time and ate lunch at home and let him know that I was going to be late. When I got there he had already returned whatever he needed to and was waiting for me.

He grabbed me and gave me a huge hug as if we were great friends that hadn't seen each other in years... Kinda creepy! His voice sounded a bit like Kermit the frog. I kept wanting him to clear his throat! It was driving me crazy!!! He was very touchy-feely with me... He was not bad looking... He had a weird body type though, large upper body and tiny skinny legs... I kept wondering if he was going to fall over :) About 5 minutes into the date he tells me that we have a common friend. I asked who. He said the doctor's name and asked me how I knew him. I told him that we dated for a bit a few months ago. This jdate pool is getting to be very incestuous!!! All the guys I date seem to know each other!! He tried to get info about us, like why we didn't work out etc. I told him he sounded like an old gossiping jewish grandmother and that if he wanted to know anything he should just ask his friend.... Besides all this, our conversation was great! He is so smart and we talked about business almost the entire time. He told me about a few new projects that he has on the go and I have him some of my ideas and he thought they were great. He also gave me a few good ideas about the business that I have recently started. It was nice to talk to someone so bright and entrepreneurial for a change! I really did enjoy it! We talked for a few hours on a bench outside my favorite store.. I was eying a stunning purple dress the entire time...

So as soon as he left the mall, I ran back inside and bought the dress! So that date ended up costing me $365.00 plus I still need to find new shoes to go with it!

He called me the next day and wanted to see me again but I told him that I was busy until after passover... I think he got the hint ;)

Update 20

Things got a bit out of control....

As soon as I got back on jdate it was like I was a crack addict who just took my first hit of crack after a month of being clean. I logged on and spent 7 straight hours reading messages I had gotten over the past month, seeing which new people were on-line and chatting with guys. I was even late for work. Then as soon as work was over I raced back home and logged back on until 2 am...

Since I am an addiction counselor I started to draw parallels between me and my clients. I was clearly sad about ending things with crazy guy and instead of sitting with my feelings and actually feeling them I needed my next "fix". I needed to run back to jdate to get attention from guys and to be distracted from my feelings of sadness. With all the instant gratification this generation has, its a wonder how any one actually gets the chance to feel feelings and not escape them in some way.

I went to my therapist today and decided that I would limit my time on jdate to 3 times a week and only 2 hours each time. The reward for doing this would be to go on one date.

I don't know where or when this happened but I seem to be in some kind of race to get married. My anxiety to find "the one" is through the roof. Instead of enjoying this experience and enjoying the time I am spending with some of the guys I have met I am running through them with my "husband check list". As soon as the doctor said that he wasn't ready to commit I ran for the door and never looked back. As soon as one thing was wrong with him I bailed. I could have talked to him about it or asked him why he was scared but instead my internal alarm went off saying "don't waste anymore time with this guy... run!" Even with Crazy guy... In a way I was trying to fight the fact that I liked him because I knew that he was not anywhere close to being ready for marriage (not financially or emotionally). I was the one that wanted to keep dating other people while having fun with him. I was the one that pushed away every time he was too kind or warm or loving (at the beginning). I liked him but once again I was afraid to "waste too much time with him". The irony of all of this is that I am wasting even more time by not giving people a fair chance and not being truly open to letting things unfold naturally. I bring up marriage way too soon and I make the first bit of the relationship so intense for them. So in rushing to get married, I am scaring off/pushing away any potential guys from wanting to get close to me and seeing where things go.

Its interesting because one huge reason why people use drugs is because they need to calm down some sort of fear or anxiety about themselves, their futures or life in general. Similarly,I am going from date to date to calm my anxieties about "needing to get married yesterday".

I thought a lot about this today... I wondered who put the idea in my head that I need to be married now. The truth is that I did. I have no pressure from family or friends. Its my own pressure. In my mind I think that I need to be married already. Had I not broken off my engagement, I would have already been married, owned a home, and would probably be thinking about getting pregnant soon. My cousin who is my age is married and about to have her second child. My little sister just bought a house with her fiance and will be married in a few months and many people from my high school are married and having babies. All this is going on while I am playing around on jdate...

So here is the thing... I don't want to sound egotistical but it is not hard for me to get a date and even after a first date it is very rare that the guy would not want a second date... But somewhere after the second date, in the first month of dating I somehow screw shit up. I have never had this problem before... I have been in one long term relationship after another for the last 10 years. I have never really been single and I have never really dated. So what the hell am I doing wrong? Or maybe people on jdate don't feel the need to put in that much effort because "hey, if this one doesn't work out I can log back on to jdate and find 10 more guys/girls to be with tomorrow".

Anyways, that is my rant for now... I have decided to look to other things to calm my anxiety and not use jdate as an escape. I will go on a bit and go on a few dates but not let it occupy too much of my time. I want to put the focus back on me and work on myself more. I have decided to eat better and exercise more. I have decided to put my free time into building up my practice and my other side business. I want to travel a bit more and enjoy my friends and family more. I want to spend more time outside with my niece and my dog. I want to find a way to be happy with myself despite the fact that I am not in a relationship. I want to love me more and not be or act so desperate to get married. I have the rest of my life to be married. This time is to get to know me better and like who I am :)

My Twenty Ninth Date

I added this guy to msn months ago and we spoke on the phone. I don't remember much about the conversation but I do remember that it was long and not boring. He would randomly message me on msn every few weeks and remind me that we once spoke on the phone. Either timing was off (I was with the doctor and then with the crazy guy) or I just kept forgetting who he was....

He messaged me again this weekend because he saw me back on jdate. He said "It looks like things didn't work out with the guy, I'm sorry". I said "lol, no you are not". He asked if I would meet up with him. I was a bit hesitant, I was so worried that crazy would see us out together and freak out... Here is why:

The night before he messaged me and I only wrote back 2 hours later. He said "that took a long time", I said "I wasn't with my phone", He said "ya sure". We made small talk and then he just stopped responding. I didn't hear from him until 2 am. He was out with his friends for his bday, probably drunk and he knew I was out with my friends. He wrote that he never wants to talk to me again. I wasn't going to engage in his craziness so I just said ok. It was perfect, he said he never wants to talk again so now I didn't have to feel guilty for going back on jdate. As soon as I logged on to jdate the following morning (after not logging on for the month I was with crazy), I got a bbm message from crazy. He said "enjoy jdate, I have all your stuff here ready for you to come pick up". I was so freaked out! How the hell did he know I logged on that same minute?!?! Was he watching me somehow? Did he install something in my computer to tell him what sites I go on?? I quickly went to check his jdate profile but it said he last logged on a month ago.. I checked to see if any of his friends were online that might have called to tell him, they were not. I then realized that someone with a "new profile" from our city with his age and no picture had just viewed me. BUSTED! I called him on it right away. He said he only opened that account so that he could see if I logged on. He even offered to give me that password so that I could see that my profile is the only one he viewed. I asked why he would care if I logged on since we are just friends! He is so crazy! He doesn't want to be with me but he goes on to check if I am moving on. He got so mad at me. He really plays with my mind. I told him that its enough. I can't handle the game of push and pull anymore with him cause its driving me nuts. He said he never wants to talk to me again and then later that night he messaged me again... I am moving on... This is to crazy and dramatic for me. And I know a lot of people feel like I have been acting desperate but these are the kinds of mixed signals he has been giving me for the last 2 weeks... He says i like you so much and you are amazing and then he says that he can't give me what I deserve. Then he tells me go date other people and then he freaks out when I go out with my friends to a club on saturday night with out him. Yes, i know we are not together but for some reason I don't want to make him mad. Anyways, I'm done with excuses, its time to move on....

Back to my date....

I agreed to meet him for bubble tea before work. We met for about 40 minutes. He was pretty good looking, a bit shorter then I would like and bald (which isn't really my thing). He was already there when I walked in and he didn't get up from the table when I walked over. I had to bend down to say hi... The conversation was okay. I could tell he was a bit nervous. I told him that I recalled a conversation a few weeks back where he told me that he was seeing someone too. He said "its a long story" I said "I have time". He asked me not to judge but told me that he is seeing a woman but she doesn't mind if he dates other girls. I told him that such a girl doesn't exist.... He finally disclosed that she is a married woman who will never leave her husband. Very classy. I told him that I wouldn't judge, only because I couldn't care less about her and already knew that this guy was not for me. I had to leave for work so he took care of the bill and asked if I would go on a proper date with him another time. I said ok. I don't think I will actually go but after him being persistent for 3 months I figured I would just say ok. I left and went to work and thought about crazy guy....

I know it doesn't make much sense... I know that he likes me and there is something holding him back. I tried to figure out what it was and he is obviously scared of something. I like him. Him and all his craziness... I obviously can not waste anymore time trying to figure him out or waiting til he "comes around". But it just sucks that guys let fear get in the way of their decisions....

Update 19- Just friends, no quotation marks

It has been exactly a month with him. This week was a bit insane.

As usual we got into a fight on Saturday afternoon. I noticed that he creates a fight every Saturday just before I am about to go out to a club with my friends. I even invited him to join but he said he couldn't. Then he told me that I only invited him because I knew that he couldn't come and that I wanted to go and pick up guys. (Please keep in mind that we are supposed to be "just friends"). I assured him (even though I shouldn't have) that I am not interested in picking up guys etc. I even brought my phone into the club, again, to message him while I was there. Wow, I am in a controlling relationship without the relationship...

Then one night this week he invited me to come over to his friend'e house where they were all hanging out. I did. I sat next to him on the couch and I was bbming my best friend. She was asking me if he was still being weird etc so I turned my phone to face the other direction cause I didn't want him to see what we were typing. All of a sudden I get a message from him (yes, he was still sitting right beside me). He asked me what was wrong. I wrote back nothing is wrong. He then excused himself and went into the other room and messaged me that he finds it very odd that I am hiding my phone from him and messaging someone else right in front of him and I better not deny that I am doing that. I told him that I am not having a messaging fight at his friends house while he is sitting in the other room and I offered to leave. He came back and we sat without speaking for another hour. There were a lot of people there so no one realized that anything was going on. After the movie ended we left together. As soon as we got outside I snapped. I said "Why didn't you pay attention to what your friend Sara was doing with her phone or what your friend Jordana was doing with her phone? Why am I the only "friend" who is lucky enough to have you pay such close attention to my every move? Why is it that I get the fighting part of a relationship from you but none of the good stuff? You keep saying we are friends and then you watch my every move and accuse me of going to pick up guys etc?" We fought back and forth, then we went into his car and drove around and talked for 3 hours. He told me that he is confused. He likes me a lot and is really scared to hurt me. He doesn't want to hold me back from dating other people but is unsure how he would react if I did. i said I didn't understand the concept of telling a girl that you like to go date other people. Then he started to talk about money (a conversation all too familiar to me) and it began to make more sense. He told me that right now he is in the middle of starting up a business and that all his money has been put into it. He needs to put all his time and effort into the business and he may have to start to travel a lot etc. He said he doesn't have the cash flow right now to be with me. I tried to remember back to when things went sour with him... He started to act weird and distant right after he saw my house... I explained to him that I do not like him because of what he has or doesn't have and that all the excuses he gave could have a solution. Like if he has to travel I could come visit him on the weekends etc. I told him that because of his own insecurities about money or not being good enough or whatever, he has been trying to sabotage us. But maybe he is right. Maybe he knows the truth. Maybe I would end up resenting him for not being able to go out for dinner or go on trips or buy nice things. Maybe I was lying to myself and he knew better. We fought some more that week. And we also hung out and had a few nice days together.

Friday was his birthday and he was going to have 20 friends over to celebrate. I asked if I could help and he said that his friends were taking care of everything. Well how convenient! I am one of his "friends"! I called up his best friend and asked what was going on for the party. he said e was going to pick up some hummus and pita and alcohol. I said "thats it?" he said ya, we are simple people and thats what we do. I asked if I could help him and he was more then happy to let me. We went out and bought lots of food (for me to prepare) and tons of decorations and decorated his condo while he was at work. He came home and got a bit mad at his friend for "letting me do all of this for him". I told him to just be quiet and let us do something nice for him. He said that he was worried that me doing all of this for him would build expectations. I told him there are no expectations and I am fully aware that we are "just friends". The day of the party I was cooking and baking at his place. His entire family ended up coming over to wish him happy birthday so I met all of them. They were so nice! His mom, dad, brother, sister-in law and niece and nephew. I made them food and we all talked and had a good time. I am sure they all had a million questions about what was going on between the two of us....

They left and I finished preparing everything and went to his room to shower and put on make up and change. When I came out a few friends had already arrived. They all complimented me on how I looked (even though he didn't). The entire night he was giving me credit for everything and telling everyone how much work I did etc. Everyone loved the food and kept telling him that I am so wife material. When I brought out the cake he made a speech thanking his best friend for helping organize the party and then he thanked me for doing the rest of the 98% of the party and how wonderful I am etc. Then he gave me a kiss in front of all his friends... I thought my "plan" (that I didn't realize until just then was a plan) was working!

After everyone left the two of us cleaned up and we went to bed. He told me that I could sleep over because he wanted me to drink and not drive home.

He had quite a bit to drink and was sick for most of the night. He kissed me good night and I fell asleep... Once again, nothing. I was a bit disappointed but refused to start anything as I was trying very hard to be "just friends" and show him that there were no expectations. We got up the next morning, finished cleaning up, I made us lunch and then he went to work. He sent me a message thanking me again and tonight he is going out for a "boys night" celebration of his birthday....

My best friend asked me the real reason I did so much for his birthday. I guess if I am being completely honest, there must have been underlying manipulation underneath my kind gestures. I wanted him to get a good look at what he was throwing away before I accepted that we were not going to be together. I wanted all his friends to see me in that light and when he tells them that he blew it, I want them to tell him how stupid he is. I want us not working out to be all his fault and not mine so that I do not need to take any responsibility for it and I can blame him (common pattern in my life).

I am done trying. Either we will be very good friends (cause I like hanging out with him and his friends) or he will find out that I am going to date other people, get mad and not want to talk to me at all. But in terms of us, we are officially just friends, no quotation marks!

So I am thinking of going back on jdate.... Do I tell him or just let him find out from one of his friends when they see me online?

P.S. You will never guess who I spoke to. Remember number 18? In the middle of a divorce with two kids...

He messaged me randomly (acting like he thought I was someone else) this week and then we talked on the phone for a bit. He made up some story that 2 days after he left here his phone got stolen so he didn't have my phone number or bbm contact but that he thought about me a lot. I didn't believe him but still talked to him... I still love how he talks to me and secretly wish I could see him again. WOW, I need some serious therapy!!!