Sunday, May 16, 2010

Update 26

The last time I saw my ex was just over 7 months ago when I left him at the airport for him to fly back to Europe. I was hysterical. I cried so much at the airport and for a few days following. I had a strong feeling that it was going to be last time I would ever see him again.
This week my best friends boyfriend moved back to Israel. Her tears brought back a lot of memories and pain for me. I remembered exactly how I felt when he left. I still think about him every single day even though I have not spoken to him in over 5 months. I thought that I would have no problem finding another guy to fall in love with but 38 guys later and I just don't feel the same way about any one else. I may just be extra emotional this week cause I am PMS-ing to the max but I have missed him this week more then usual.
My best friend's parents hate her boyfriend. He is Jewish but they hate him for other reasons. My best friend decided that despite how her parents feel, she plans to marry him and be with him forever. I envy her strength and ability to say screw everyone else, I am fighting for love. I didn't have the courage to do that and I still don't think that I do...

I still haven't slept with anyone since my ex... yes, that means I haven't had sex in over 7 months, fml!!!
My sister is away this week and I am house sitting for her. I decided that maybe I need to sleep with someone else to break the tie and connection that I have to my ex. I had it all planned out. I asked the cop to sleep over at my sisters house with me Friday night. He agreed to come over after we went to a movie. When the movie was over, I started to panic. We went to his house so that he could get his toothbrush etc. and I totally freaked out. I actually think I had a mini anxiety attack. I just couldn't picture having sex with him. I told him that I was getting really tired and that I would need to go to sleep right when we got home. He said that was fine with him. Then I tried telling him that I had to be up super early. He said that was okay too. Then I just said that I wasn't feeling great and maybe it would be better if I just went home by myself and got some rest. He said no problem. I went home alone. I was relieved that he didn't sleep over. In fact I think I may have seriously regretted sleeping with him. I noticed that I have been very distant with him this whole week and I feel bad cause he is starting to pick up on it...
Then tonight we went out for dinner with my best friend and one of my close guy friends. He was being awkward the whole night and not social at all. It was a niceish restaurant and I could tell that he was quite uncomfortable. He even told me that he did not want to go to the club after dinner cause all of this "is not his scene". I told him that was fine with me and that I would go with my friends and he could go home. When the bill came my guy friend put in 150 to cover himself and my best friend and me. The cop put in the remaining 50. I couldn't believe that he let another guy pay for me. I was so embarrassed. I have been feeling like I'm "just not that into him" for the past few days. I am waiting to see if its PMS or if I really don't want to be with him. I don't want to lead him on or hurt him so I need to figure something out soon...

Wow, dating is really stressing me out!!!!!
Seeing date 38 again tomorrow and I might see the accountant this week....
I am also working at my sisters job while she is away for 2 weeks as well as my own job so I am exhausted physically and mentally! Some of my days are 13 hours... One week til she is home and then life goes back to normal (whatever that means). I have learned that I really miss living on my own and having my own space and I also miss being super busy with work. I may decide to buy a condo and get one more part time job when I get back from Israel this summer. I need to make some changes cause I am not so happy right now...
Sorry for this Debby Downer update, hopefully I will snap out of it soon!!!


  1. A few things.

    You've been through many dates and this whole thing is beginning to draw to an end. I've read this blog from the very beginning and left a few anonymous comments through it all. Because of this blog I even started my own, but onward to my point(s).

    You started this because you wanted to find someone Jewish to marry and if you didn't you'd go ahead and marry your fiance. I don't mean this to sound angry or accusing but it was a bit silly to expect your fiance to stick around through this whole process. I mean, turn the tables around and what if he wanted to marry a Catholic woman. What if he wanted to go on 50 dates with random women to see if you were really the one? It would be really hard being the person who sits by as the person you love is trying to possibly find your replacement.

    Now, there are a few things that over the course of this blog I've noticed and just wanted you to think about and maybe answer. Not to the whole world in a blog or in a comment but to yourself. Why did you start this? Did you, yourself, want to find a Jewish man or were you happy with what you had? Basically, did you start dating Jewish men because of your parents?

    I only ask this now because of what you said in your post. You wish you had the courage to stand up for what you wanted to your parents. Another reason is because throughout this blog you've sabotaged almost every relationship you've had. If it wasn't the guy pulling away it was you. Then every few posts it comes back that you're missing your fiance. This leads me to think that a.) you are pushing every guy away (almost 50 guys) because deep inside you know that your fiance was what you wanted, b.) You jumped into this dating thing rather fast and you're still moving on from your break up. So for any guy to have a chance, Jewish or not, you need to mend your heart and 100% want to get back in the dating game.

    My opinion, so take it for whatever that is, is that you need to find out why you so desperately feel the need to go on these 50 dates (for you or your parents approval) and decide if this is something you want to continue perusing. If it is, then maybe take some time out from dating, deal with your ex-fiance issues and jump back in. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing and I hope no matter what it works out for you. I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for!

  2. I don't think she's ready for a relationship at all. You said you've had almost no breaks between relationships, you tend to define yourself according to the guys you date. I think you should have taken a few months off to get to know yourself first. As the poster before said, you keep pushing men away. You never had the stage between, maybe that would help.

    And in any event you write of yourself as if you're old and world wise when most of the actions you take land you squarely in adolescence. Some of the 'revelations' your therapist comes out with are so obvious if you can self examine at all. I don't think you're ready for an adult relationship yet.

    You say most of the fault is the guys, or yourself for -picking- bad boys or whatever (which then makes it their fault). Grow up and take some responsibility.

  3. If you can afford it, I would suggest looking into your own place. IN order to feel like you're moving on and growing in your life, you have to make changes that make you feel good. Maybe part of the reason why you feel like your parents run your love life is because you still live under their roof. Although their opinions are still important even if you move, having your own place will set your own boundaries. Not having your own place has been a good excuse for you not to get intimate with anyone. An apartment of your own won't cloud your judgement with intimacy. It will be 100% your decision to invite someone over not because you don't want them to see your parents.

  4. You need to lose this sense of entitlement you seem to have going. You feel like you "deserve" a guy that's attractive, tall, buff, makes a lot of money, etc... Why?? Because you're cute and smart and have a good career?? Good for you. But that doesn't equate to you deserving ANYTHING. There's so many women out there who are hotter, smarter and more successful than you and can't seem to meet anyone that they're compatible with. No one was ever guaranteed that they would meet the man of their dreams, and they end up staying single for the rest of their lives, doubt they'll be getting any reparations checks in the mail.

    To find someone who's into you and much as you are them, you have physical chemistry with AND is single w/out kids is a combination of luck and being in the right place at the right time. No one is entitled to sh*t in this life. You just have to do the best with cards dealt to you.

    The problem is, you want this perfect guy.. the guy that every other woman wants! And if he doesn't fit every thing on your check off list then he has no shot? Incredibly shallow and immature. How about realizing potential in someone or growing with someone... most men that are successful financially and/or career wise didn't start out that way. That had to pay their dues to get ahead. But you want someone that's successful NOW.. you're hanging around at the finish line trying to snag a good one not forgetting these are the guys all the women are looking for.

    You need to get realistic with your expectations... Not saying you have to settle, but don't turn your nose up at a guy because he doesn't fit your height or monetary requirement. You could be missing out on your "bashert" because you were too shallow and superficial to see beyond your own ego.

    Lose the sense of entitlement. The only things guaranteed in life are death and taxes. Get over it and get over yourself.

  5. I would only add that you dont need the put the holiness that you seem to on sleeping with someone. if it's not the cop, you definitely should sleep with someone, and more than once. the orgasms will be good for you, and you'll probably start thinking more clearly/less desperately. you just need to take deep breaths next time you think of sleeping with someone, accept that it makes you anxious, but that you'd like to have sex anyway, and that it doesn't have to mean as much as you think it means, each time you do it.

  6. I can't help but say that the advice you're receiving is absolutely terrible. The person who said you don't deserve to find a perfect boyfriend is obviously a very bitter person and it sounds like they have their own problems that have nothing to do with you. You DO deserve a perfect boyfriend; but what's perfect for one person isn't perfect for another. Also, the person who said you should just have sex? Welcome to 2010; the age of STD's and AIDS is not a good enough reason to jump into bed with someone. What will you get out of sleeping with someone when you obviously are a sensitive and emotional thinker? That will only make things worse for you! Never fight against your feelings; if you didn't want to sleep with the cop, then you were right not to. It will happen when you really like him and want to experience that (with him or someone else).

  7. I actually wasn't saying that she should specifically sleep with the cop. I was saying she should let go enough to sleep with someone. if not the cop, then someone else she has been attracted to.

    and in the age of STI's and AIDS, if you use a condum, and you ask about sexual history before sleeping with someone (including asking about whether they've had any unprotected intercourse since their last test), trust them enough that they're telling you the truth, and do a visual inspection before exchanging any fluids (to check for something like an open herpes sore, or an open wound generally), you're actually extremely extremely low risk for getting anything that cant be cured with antibiotics.

    and yes, I'd say that you should go with your feelings, but also challenge them if they are holding you back. in this case, it sounds like the diarist wants to give herself some uncomplicated sexual pleasure, which she deserves, and which will likely make her feel a bit more grounded as she moves forward, but that she can't get out of her head and past her anxiety enough to do it. in that case, you don't always have to trust all of your natural instincts, and challenging yourself to do something can be good.

  8. You have been trying to have this girl have sex with someone from the beginning! LEAVE HER ALONE DoGoodLawyer! Jesus, if you want her to have sex so badly why don't YOU have sex with her and shut up.

    I'm tired of hearing your nonsensical theory that having sex will make everything better.

    Clearly it doesn't.

    The sex issue is your decision B, don't let anyone else convince you it's anyone else's but your own.

  9. and i'm tired, Anonymous, of hearing your Victorian notions of sex where it is something that must preserved at all costs until all things are perfect, and that women, especially must preserve their sexuality and only dole it out in long term committed relationships.

    Sex may not make everything better. But it is also something else to try, as B continues to work through getting over her ex and moving on. It is actually a tried and true method, as she mentioned, of being sexual with someone else and opening yourself up like that, as a way to begin to let go of a previous relationship. Furthermore, I'd advocate that anyone who hasn't gotten to have sex in 7 months do so, as again, sex (with orgasms for her, obviously-bad sex doesn't do this) released all kinds of good chemicals in your body, and relaxes you, makes you feel less desperate, and more confident in yourself. going without sex for 7 months tends to do the opposite-you're not very relaxed, you can tend to be cranky, and your self-image can take a nose-dive. Besides, if you let it be, sex is fun, and that's all i'm advocating that B do. I'm sorry to hear that you're so puritanical that you'd rather B stay w/o intimacy until she's absolutely completely sure she's found her b'shert.

  10. I am the Anonymous that addressed you the first time, DoGooderLawyer, not the second time. But I will say that although sex has worked for you in the past, it doesn't mean that it's for everyone when it comes to moving on from a relationship. Sex, for many, can often complicate things between two people especially if the person in question is obviously sensitive and an emotional thinker. You can't change who people are. Maybe your idea of having sex in theory is a good one, if B is not like that, she most likely will never be like that. Repeatedly suggesting she have sex, when it's obvious by reading this blog that she is not that type of person, is not advice that is beneficial to her.

  11. I didn't say that she didn't deserve a perfect boyfriend - you're taking my comment out of context. I did say, however, that she needs to lose the sense of entitlement, i.e. thinking she "deserves" someone who is tall, good looking, rich, etc. Sure those things are nice and we all may find those things desireable in a mate and may be lucky to find a good guy that fits that bill, but no one "deserves" anything. This girl has this Cinderella/Jewish American Princess-Housewife complex going and its just not reality. No one's perfect. And especially not men who are already into their thirties. She had the buff hot guy but he was a total douche nozzle and emotionally immature. She had the doctor and he was a commitment phobe douche. So maybe, just MAYBE, she needs to re-evaluate her priorities when it comes to men.

    And FYI I am not a bitter person and am in a relationship with a great guy - someone who didnt necessarily fit my "perfect" guy ideal but I gave it a shot and we have a great relationship and have already been talking marriage.

    So please.. keep your uneducated assumptions to yourself. And try actually reading my comment in full and THINKING first before you just start firing off insults.

  12. I did read your comment in full and find it amusing that you are defending yourself when you made the "uneducated assumption" about B and said "There's so many women out there who are hotter, smarter and more successful than you". That's so counter-productive. Perhaps it is you who should think first before firing off insults.

  13. Yes, I did say that but once again, you take half of a sentence and make these out of context, empirical leaps as to what YOU think I was trying to say. Because if you HAD read my comment, you would see there was more to that particular thought.

    After the hotter, smarter, etc. thing I said, AND I QUOTE, "...and can't seem to meet anyone that they're compatible with. No one was ever guaranteed that they would meet the man of their dreams, and they end up staying single for the rest of their lives, doubt they'll be getting any reparations checks in the mail. " Yes I'm quoting myself (lol).

    So please stop taking my comments out of context. That's not an insult, that's a fact of life. CNN article to boot:


  14. Anonymous1, your points are good and i love the CNN article. that being said, as a guy who happens to be emotional, i actually was very like B at one point, putting ultimate emotion into it each time i was sexual with someone. and i found that led to a lot of roller coaster emotion for me, and opportunity to get hurt, while trying to have some pleasure. i slowly, actively changed myself so that i still have that capacity, and look forward to jumping in all the way when i find my partner (who i have looked for on jdate). however, while i am not finding her, i have also cultivated a middle ground where i can be sexual with someone i like, act emotionally mature with them, and tell them im not necessarily looking for a long-term partnership with them, and it can be ok, and sometimes even amazing. and, as a sex-positive person, i do actually believe in the healing power that sex can have, if you decide you want it to, and move towards that.

    so, while i'll try not to be a broken record, i probably will continue to offer the advice i think is appropriate.

    hope you're doing ok, B.

  15. DoGooderLawyer

    You're NOT a woman. You can never understand what sex can mean to a woman because you aren't one.

    Stop pushing your self-loathing outrageous advice. Clearly you don't like to comprehend what you're reading as B has stated that she can not handle "a middle ground" as you call it.

    You're driven by sex. It's your nature.

    Women are not biologically driven by sex.

    Try to think with the head that's above your shirt collar not below the belt.

  16. again, disagree, anonymous, and you don't speak for all women, or for B herself. but thanks for your trite advice and assumptions about me and all men and women.

  17. Your advice is what is trite.

    Try to comprehend the words that B writes. The emotion behind them. Not your self-righteous delusions.

  18. You can't put a number on how many guys you have to meet before you fall in love. Maybe you have to meet 100 guys before you fall in love, maybe you only have to meet 5.

    Nor can you have a "husband checklist," like a previous poster wrote.

    And maybe, just maybe, if you stop trying so hard, you'll just by chance meet the love of your life. After spending years in relationship after relationship, I finally took a year and a half off from dating and really got to know myself and what I want and need. A couple months back into the dating game (an not intentionally looking for a husband), by a chance meeting, I found my found.

    Keep your head up, and stop being so mathematical with the process!!!