My Forty Third Date

I have been avoiding posting this one...

I was at a club in Israel and this guy who I know from back home and haven't seen in 5 years walks up to me. From what I know of him he is a great guy. We have a few friends in common and we used to hang out when we were younger. I always thought he was very good looking and funny etc. He gives me a big hug and says how great it is to bump into someone he knows. He is Israeli background and most of his family lives in Israel and the rest live in the states. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said no so he started dancing with me. I could tell that he was already drunk. At the end of the night he took my phone number and kissed me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night with him and I politely declined. He asked if I was free the next day to hang out on the beach and I said I was. I left with my friends and he texted me right away. He said that it was so nice to see me and that he wishes I could have stayed longer and blah blah blah. My best friends boyfriend told me that he knows him well and that he has a great family and he is a great guy and that I should go hang out with him the next day. So I did.

I got dropped off outside his hotel which was right on the beach. As my luck would have it as he came to greet me outside the hotel one of Date number 42's very good friends was walking by and stopped to say hello. It was quite awkward.

We went down to the beach, went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. He seemed sweet and attentive. We held hands, had good conversation and things were going okay. The we decided to go into the water for a bit. After we got out he started to tell me that he would love to live here. He loves being by the water and he feels good while he is here but wouldn't want to leave his family back home. He asked me if I was going to stay in Tel Aviv (thats where his hotel was) and come to a club with him later on. I said that I wasn't sure because I had to be up early the next day etc. We went back to his hotel after the beach (mistake number one). He said that I could use the shower to rinse off all the sand so I did (mistake number 2). I didn't lock the door (mistake number 3) and as I was showering, he walks right in and hops into the shower. I actually felt really uncomfortable. He made it seem like I wanted him in there because I didn't lock the door. He started to kiss me and I felt so uncomfortable that I asked him to leave the shower and let me finish washing up. When I got out of the shower, he went in to finish washing up and I quickly got dressed in the room. I didn't want him to assume I wanted anything by being naked when he got out of the shower. The room was tiny and the only place to sit was on the bed (mistake number 4). When he got out of the shower, he did not get dressed. He only had a towel on and he climbed into bed. He told me to relax (I hate that word more then any word in the english language) and to come cuddle (mistake number 5). He mentioned to me that he would have to leave for half hour to meet his parents but that I could hang out in his room and when he got back we would go for dinner and then maybe out to a club if I was staying in the area. I said that was no problem and that I would wait the half hour (mistake number 6). We started kissing and he kept trying to sleep with me. At least I learned my lesson from date 42 not to do that again. So I decided to do the least slutty thing I could think of that would satisfy him enough to stop trying to sleep with me. Thats right I brought back the HJ! Please don't misunderstand... I wanted to be there. I was attracted to him, I have known him for years and liked kissing him and being intimate with him. So this was in no way forced, I just had no intentions of having sex with him and every once in a while there is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned HJ :) (mistake number 7).

The second, maybe millisecond that he was done, he cleaned up, hoped out of bed, put clothes on, grabbed his key and cell phone and as he was opening the door said bye, see you in half hour. And he just left me there, sitting in the bed, shocked by the fact that someone would actually just do that. Maybe its the norm but I have never been in that situation before. I am very careful about being slutty and putting myself in situations like that when I am at home so in 27 years that has never happened to me. I normally only fool around with someone that I care about and that at least somewhat cares back about me so I have never felt that disgusting empty feeling of being left in bed like a prostitute. I thanked G-d that I hadn't been stupid enough to sleep with him. I felt terrible and I could only imagine how much worse I would have felt had I slept with him. I imagined how it must feel for a 17 year old girl with low self esteem to sleep with a guy and think that he is really into you and then he just gets up and walks out. For some reason I stayed there. Partly because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My family lived in another city and they were at work and could only get me in a few hours. I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and felt gross. It gets worse. After 10 minutes I get a call from him. I am coming back to the hotel to change because my parents are begging me to come out for dinner with them and 10 other people in my family. I am so sorry but I can't get out of this dinner. He knew that I didn't have anywhere to go because I told him when my cousins could come get me. I said no problem and hung up. I gathered up my things and called the guy that I had bumped into earlier in the day (date number 42's friend) and asked him what he was up to and if he wanted to grab dinner. He said he was going out with some friends and that he would love for me to come along too. As I was walking out of the hotel, he was walking back in to change. He kissed me on the forehead and apologized again and said that as soon as he was done he would call me to meet back up. I fake smiled, said nothing and walked out.

I obviously did not hear from him later that night or ever again.

I really don't know how some girls do it. Being intimate with no attachments. This is not a judgement, I seriously wish I could do it. The idea seems fun but I the two times I did it in Israel, I got hurt and didn't feel good at all. I think I will just stick to what I am comfortable with which is not going too far with a guy that I am not sure actually likes me and cares about me. Its just too painful for me and I don't want to be in a position where I feel like that again.

From this experience I went through my bbm list and deleted every guy from home that is "toxic". Guys that don't actually care but want to fool around with me. Or guys that I message when I feel lonely but there is no potential of us actually being together. On that list was crazy guy and the accountant.

Update 33

The second week of my trip was MUCH better. I realized that I had been PMSing the first week and after that ended I was much more tolerant and pleasant. I put myself out there and made more friends. A bunch of people actually said that until they got to know me they thought I was the biggest bitch and now they think I am the nicest person. We went to a bunch of lectures and one that really hit home was about intermarriage. There was some crazy statistic that about 50% of Jewish people in my generation are marrying non Jews and that the chances of those couples having Jewish grandchildren were very slim. I ended up speaking with the lecturer for almost an hour after the presentation and I almost missed the bus. I shared my story with him and he thought that it was very courageous of me to come to Israel to get more connected to my Jewish roots and to figure out “why” I need to marry a Jewish person. We exchanged emails and we are still in touch almost 3 weeks later. The next important part of my trip was in Jerusalem at the Western wall... My wall. I wrote a prayer on a piece of paper and went to the wall to put it in. I touched the wall and said a prayer and I cried a bit. I was expecting myself to have more feeling when I was standing there but I only cried a bit. I tried to stand there longer and to talk to G-d and to ask him questions and to feel an answer but I didn’t. I finally backed away from the wall feeling let down and disappointed. It is customary to face the wall and walk backwards so that you are not turning your back on the wall so I did that. As I got farther away from the wall I could see the entire wall and tons of Jewish people standing there praying and dancing and singing and crying. I watched MY people at that wall. They had come from Israel and from all over the world just to stand there, the holiest place in the world, and talk to G-d. And that’s when I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t just cry, I bawled my eyes out for almost half an hour. For the last 2000 years Jews married Jews who had Jewish children who then married Jews and had more Jewish children just so that I could be born Jewish, just so that we could have a Jewish state and the opportunity to keep our faith alive for another 2000 years to come. I looked at my wall and at my people and I had this overwhelming feeling that I could not dare break the chain. If I make an exception and then my children make exceptions then the Jewish religion through my liniage dies at my wedding. I had this feeling that the fate of the Jewish religion sat on my shoulders. I felt an incredible sense of guilt and shame for considering to end Judaism at my wedding. And still I missed my ex. The ironic thing was that I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted there with me to experience this spiritual awakening. I felt like if anyone could understand it, it would be him.

A week later it was my birthday. I waited the whole day wondering if he would remember or email me or message me. Then I went into my room and saw that I had a chat message from him wishing me a happy birthday. He was still online so I messaged him back. We ended up chatting for quite a while. It was the first time in 7 months that I had a conversation with him. I told him that I was in Israel and that I was looking for some more spirituality. He asked me if there was any chance I was flying through Europe (where he lives)on my way home. I told him “you have no idea how much I wish I was”. He told me he missed talking to me. I told him I missed everything. We ended the conversation with saying that it was a nice chat and hope to do it again sometime. I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake the whole night. I was excited and confused. On one hand I knew that I still felt that I couldn’t be with him and on the other hand there was no one else in the entire world that I would rather be with. It felt like we both had the same feelings. We both loved and missed each other even though we had not spoken in 7 months. I debated booking a flight to go see him. I fantasized about what it would be like to knock on his door and be in his arms. I wanted to share with him how I felt at the wall and I wanted us to come up with a solution where we could be together. The next evening I saw him online and messaged him hello. I’m not sure what I was going to say I just really had so much to share with him and so many questions etc. He wrote me back an email saying that he is still trying to grow and that involves not being back in touch with me. He said sorry and then ended with “I would appreciate no reply to this email”. And just like that he was gone again. I cried. A lot. Perhaps once again G-d had to intervene and do for me what I was not strong enough to do for myself. I was so upset and confused. I needed to break my tie with him.

The next night I called up the 24 year old (date 42). We went out with friends and I ended up spending the night. I went with the intention to sleep with him. It has been 9 months since I have had sex and the last person was my ex. I figured this guy was a safe person to sleep with. He was not from my state, we knew none of the same people and he was not really a potential to be with after we left Israel. And so I did. He was very passionate and gentle. We spent the next day together on the beach and then thats the last time I saw him. I don’t regret it but I felt as if I had in some way betrayed or cheated on my ex. It was a very strange feeling.

A few days later I went to get a blessing from the wife of one of the biggest rabbi’s in Israel. Normally I would never do something like this but my rabbi at home strongly suggested it and went through hoops to find someone who would meet me there and try to get me in. I decided to trust my rabbi and go. There was a line up outside her door. People coming from all over to get a blessing. There was a man at the door sending people away. He said that the rabbi was in the hospital and that his wife was not feeling up to seeing people today. For some reason I had a feeling she would see me. The man that I was with whispered something into the guys ear. He went inside and came back outside and said that she had agreed to meet with me. I went in and I told her my story. It was a bit hard because she didn’t speak any English and my Hebrew is limited. She gave me her blessing for health and happiness and a Jewish home. It was a very interesting experience to be in her home and to hear her speak to me and bless me. I am not sure what to think of it, and not sure how much I believe in it but I am glad that I went. I hope her blessing comes true for me.

If I had a magic wand, I would have my ex and a Jewish home. But I don't.

My Forty Second Date

This is the one that I met at the club. We started dancing together and he told me that he was my age. I ended up getting very drunk and we kissed on the dance floor. He took my number and I figured I would never hear from him again. The next day he called. We figured out that both our trips would be in the same city in a few more days so we made plans to meet up again. Because of what happened with number 41 I had to sneak away from my group to meet him. I met him and his group and we had a great night! I ended up hanging out more with some of his friends from the group then I did with him. He admitted to me that he was not my age. In fact, he was more then 3 years younger then me! I felt like a cougar :) Surprisingly enough, his age didn't really bother me. I thought he was cute and he was obviously mature enough to keep my attention. I had never dated anyone that was younger then me. My ex was the youngest person I have ever dated and he was 4 months older then me. After that we spoke almost every day and made plans to meet up in Israel after both our organized trips were over. And we did! We hung out a few times together and I was really starting to like him. Even though he lived in another state, was still a student, was not very tall and still lived at home, I liked him. He was very passionate and attentive and made me feel desired and cared about. Since my ex, he was the best kiss I have had in 9 months. We had insane chemistry and were very attracted to each other. For the first time in a long time I really wanted to be touched and kissed and hugged... I will have to fill you in with what happened with us in my next update.....

My Forty First Date

This date lasted almost 2 weeks...

This guy was one of the very few attractive guys on my trip and the only one of them that was older than me. We hung out together the second night and had a heart to heart about dating. We talked about our past relationships and about sex etc. He told me that he dates models. I told him about my ex and that I have not really been able to move on since him and that I have not slept with anyone since him. This challenge obviously intrigued him cause the next day we both got drunk and he took me and a few other people for dinner. Our first kiss was in the bathroom... soooo romantic! He is the "high roller" type. He paid for the entire table's dinner and drinks. He fits the spoiled rich kid mold to a tee. That night we watched a movie together in his room until his room mates got back. He said he needed to get something so he left the room and came back with another room key. He had gone downstairs to get us our own room. I was so angry at him. I asked him what he thought was going to happen in there??? He promised me that we would just finish the movie and then I could go back to my room. We finished watching and kissed and fooled around a tiny bit. Then he walked me back to my room. We didn't hang out at all the next day but at night we drank again at dinner and he kissed me again. Then after dinner we went to a club and met up with other trips from all over the states. I started dancing with a guy from another trip (he will be number 42) and he came up and kissed me while I was dancing with him. I pushed him off because it was so rude of him. It was like he was claiming his property or something. The entire next day he was so rude to me and would not talk to me. Then in front of a bunch of people he called me a slut and I snapped. I may be a lot of things but a slut is not one of them! the next day we sat down and talked and it eventually came out that he was hurt and embarrassed that I went with the other guy. I explained that I had no idea he would even care since we just met and kissed and both made it clear we were not looking for anything serious but I apologized for hurting his feelings.He also said sorry for calling me a slut and embarrassing me in front of the people. We spent the rest of the trip just hanging out, usually at night and kissing. By the end of the trip most people knew there was something going on so we were more public about it. The best day was when we went zip-lining together. We kissed in mid air across the entire zip line! it was such a romantic rush!!! Although we had a great two weeks together it is difficult to say who is a bigger princess, lol... He is very high maintenance and we are not what each other is looking for. I had fun experiencing Israel with him and maybe I will see him when I get back home but I highly doubt anything will come of it.

Update 32

Israel!!!!!! I have been here for almost a week. I love it here. I feel like its home. My trip has alot of socially challenged people whose parents probably insisted that they go on the trip to meet new friends and possibly their soul mates. At first when I met everyone at the airport I thought I had just signed up for the worst 2 weeks of my life. I called my best friend and said "what the hell was I thinking??? How am I going to connect with anyone and not want to kill these annoying people or myself??" Then I met the most amazing girl in the world! I actually feel like she is my Bashert, lol! Its like we have known each other for 20 years. I told her that I was supposed to meet my soul-mate on this trip and then she said "well, stop looking you already found me!" And it was sooo true!! I hope you are not worried that my blog is taking a lesbian turn cause its not ;) But I actually feel so connected to her. I am so chilled and not stressed or boy crazy here. I am just hanging out with her and we are having the best time! We are making the best of what g-d has given us to work with! We are the only two girls on the trip that brought a hair dryer, straightening iron and make up. Naturally the other girls spent most of last week hating us and gossiping about us. It felt like the twighlight zone. At home we are both popular and have tons of friends and here we are the minority and we are the social outcasts!! I admit, I got a very interesting perspective after being on this side. I can imagine how someone with low self esteem who was being threated like this from a whole group would have a very hard time. We just embraced the bitchy stereotype and had our own fun! Soon enough we adopted another sweet girl and then a few more joined our crew. They wanted help with their hair and tips about make up. We made a decision on shabbat that we would be nice even though they were all so rude at the beginning. I have been so chilled out on this trip. Drinking every night and just having so much fun. There is one cool guy I guess he will have to be number 41 (I will do that post soon) and the Israeli soldier that is assigned to our group is the most attractive guy in the universe but he is engaged... I have been bbming some of the boys from back home and I still really like the accountant. I need this time to grow and maybe when I get back I will better know myself and what I want. I just feel happy to be here in Israel. It feels so right.

Update 31

I am so sorry that I haven’t updated in a while... I have a few things to update so I will do it in two posts.

A few weeks ago my Bubby (Mother’s Mother) randomly said that after six years of not seeing her oldest sister she needs me to drive her 8 hours to go “say goodbye to her”. I asked her what the hell she was talking about. She explained to me that she is afraid to fly and she has a feeling that she her sister will die very soon and she will not be able to live with herself if she does not go say goodbye to her. My Bubby has four granddaughters. All of them (besides me) call her and visit her on a regular basis however none of them (besides me) would ever agree to get in a car with her for an 8 hour drive because of one of her crazy internal intuitions. She said I have to take her before I leave to Israel. I thought it was strange but I figured I would just do it. So we chose the weekend before my Israel trip. The plan was to leave early Friday morning and make it there before the Sabbath (my bubby’s family is orthodox and observes the Sabbath). The plan was that me, my mom and her mom (my bubby) would pile into the car and be stuck together for 8 straight hours... 3 generations of Jewish neurosis, guilt and co-dependency all together for the weekend. We got a call on Thursday afternoon that her sister was actually very sick and they were not sure if she would even make it until the next day. My Bubby started to panic to my mom who in turn called to panic to me. “I just want to make it there to say goodbye, even if its just for 10 minutes”. I was irritated by the anxiety, panic and urgency in my mom’s voice but felt this unbelievable responsibility to make sure she got there in time. I told them that I had to work til 10 PM Thursday night and that we could leave at 11 and I would drive through the night to get her there. I set a few ground rules. There was to be NO talk of her sister or death or panic for the entire ride. My bubby was required to take sleeping meds to knock her out for the entire ride. My mom was NOT to comment on my driving or grip the handle in a dramatic way as if to prepare herself for a car crash at any point on the trip. I was in charge of the radio because I was driving and needed to be kept awake. After what felt like 4 days of driving, we got to her middle sisters house. She woke up from a full night of sleep and it started.... She said that she had not slept a wink, I told her that I had been listening to her snore for the last 8 hours and she said that was impossible. She started to fix her hair and put on make up and change into nice new clothes in the back of the car. Was I the only one who didn’t think you need to dress up to go see your dying 90 year old sister in the hospital? I started to better understand the way some of her crap has been passed down to me through my mother. Like her, I care what I look like and what people will think. I can’t stand it when she does it but I found some compassion for her and for my mother and even for myself that weekend. We sat in a hospital room all together. My 86 year old grandmother, her 88 year old sister and her 90 year old sister, we are not 100 % sure of their ages cause they all lied to make themselves younger, probably to be more desirable to men or something back in the day. Also there was the next generation... my mother and the oldest daughter of each of my bubby’s sisters. And me. I watched how they all babied their aging mothers and looked up to their children. Although my mother was not raised with her cousins, it was enough that they all had mothers who were exactly like each other for the dynamic in each family to turn out the same. The craziness was so deeply ingrained in all three families, it is no wonder that I am the way I am. The difference is that I choose to seek help and grow and stop the cycle.

The very crazy part was the very next day my 90 year old aunt passed away with her crazy 88 year old and 86 year old sisters right by her side. They had been through everything together. Through the Holocaust, through the murder of their parents and siblings, through marriages, through their husbands deaths, a death of a child, weddings of their own children and births of their grandchildren and now they sat together in a hospital room and shared their last memory together as the three crazy sisters. I spent the weekend observing and reflecting on the dynamics and behaviour of everyone in the family. I learned a lot about myself that weekend. I learned about where I really come from and I better understood why I am the way I am. I was also able to see some of the changes that I would like to make in my own life and not carry them onto my own children. I am glad that I got her there in time. I am glad I witness her saying goodbye to her big sister who she has known for 86 years. I feel like I witnessed a little piece of history. I feel like it is more important then ever to document our grandparents stories cause their generation is dying off and we will have no real connection to the past if we don't document it for our children...

Update 30

What a difference a few weeks of not jdating has made for my mental health! I have no deadline, no ticking clock, I am not anxious or stressed and I am not in "find husband yesterday mode". I feel cool and chilled and relaxed. I feel like someone I would like to spend time with that is fun and carefree. I think I have actually been putting this vibe out to the universe. Although I have stopped meeting new guys, a few old ones have popped back up. This time around I am being less judgmental, threw out my "husband checklist" and have decided to enjoy being single and not be so uptight and worried about what people will think. I have two weeks until I go to Israel so i figured I would start having fun now! Vacation started this weekend and hopefully my attitude will continue throughout my trip and I will come back relaxed, happy and stress free.

Number 38 invited me to his pool party on Sunday afternoon. I figured "why not". I knew that I wouldn't know very many people but that it might be fun. So I went over and it was a great party. He has so many awesome friends! There were like 30 or 40 people there which showed me that he is quite social and people really like him. He kissed me hello on the lips and then acted like we were just friends in front of all of his friends. So I just followed his lead and had a lot of fun. I ended up knowing a bunch of his friends so I could be independent and not need him to "babysit me" (not that I ever really need that, lol). I had to leave after about an hour and a half to go run a group for work. He walked me to my car and gave me another kiss goodbye. He told me to come back after work, so I did. It was dark by the time I got back, and his friends were sitting around a campfire. It was so nice and chilled. It felt like high school, in a good way! He told me to come sit with him on his lawn chair and he was being affectionate in front of his friends and siblings. People started to leave. I helped his sister clean up and before I knew it I was the last guest left. his sister went to sleep and we went to sit by the pool. I don't know what came over me, I felt like it was back when I was 16, when I didn't care about my reputation or about how I looked or about what everyone might think of me. I asked him if he wanted to go swimming. He said of course but did you bring a bathing suit? I said no, I didn't ;) I asked him to grab me one of his sisters T-shirts and two towels. I changed into the t-shirt right outside. I didn't go to the washroom like my usual prude self. It felt exciting and scandalous, lol, I feel like such a dork saying that but it really did! We had fun in the pool at 1 am. We kissed a lot and I had a really great time. I even got my hair wet, unheard of!

The next day Crazy (number 28) asked me to come over. We had been talking for the last week since I saw him and I kept on making excuses why I couldn't come over. He was going out of town and didn't know if he would be back before I left to Israel and wanted to "say goodbye". I decided not to analyze it and think too much about it and just go. I let lose and didn't care about being judged or about how I would feel the next day. I even went over with my gross hair from the pool the night before and no make up. I really didn't care! I felt like going, so I went. We ended up having so much fun. We spent the day together. He was even patient and sat around while I did my hair for 2 hours after. Then we went out to the mall with his niece and it felt like how we used to be. We laughed and it was just relaxed. I didn't bring any of my negative energy or my pressure or stress and I was actually able to have a great day.

That evening I had plans with the accountant (number 22), I wasn't sure if he was going to cancel because I thought he was still mad at me. He messaged me to come over for 9 so I did. When I walked in, he didn't stop complementing me. I actually tried hard to look good that night so it was nice that he recognized it. He told me to take off my heels and that we are going for an adventure. An adventure I asked?? He said, stop being so prissy, go get flats from your car and lets go on the subway. The subway??? The "new me" decided to just trust him and be adventurous! I was wearing a dress so I sat on his lap on the subway cause I didn't want my almost bare bottom to sit on the seats. He was cracking up laughing at me! I asked where we were going. He said no more fancy restaurants for you. I took you to all the hot spots when we dated 5 months ago, we need to cut the shit and see who you really are. I was like "oh g-d, he is punishing me for what I did and getting me back by taking me to McDonalds or something!" I went with it anyways. I told him that I didn't know when I became "that girl" that only likes expensive snobby restaurants. I told him that wasn't even me. I used to love going to dives and holes in the wall and I can't remember why or when that stopped. We got off at a random stop, in a very bad part of town. I asked if he was taking me somewhere to have me killed! He laughed again. We got to this place that had a line up around the corner. It was a hidden jem in the middle of a terrible neighborhood that he had found. He somehow managed to scam us to the top of the list, and no he did not slip anyone any money. He is just super charming like that. The food was unreal! It was so delicious! I even had a drink! I barely ever order a drink, again cause I don't want anyone to think I am.... you know what? I don't even know what I don't want people to think!!!! How f@cked is that?!?!? Anyways, I had such a great night! On the subway ride back we made out like teenagers that couldn't care less if we looked un-classy or that people were rolling their eyes etc. The world just consisted of me and him and what WE thought, no one else. He told me that he has really liked me ever since we met months ago and that I really did break his heart. I told him that I was sorry but that perhaps it wasn't meant to be then. Perhaps neither of us were ready for each other then and it would have been a waste if we ended up dating months ago. He told me to shut up, lol. I went back to his house after to kiss and cuddle, and that is exactly what we ended up doing. He said that he was upset that I was going away cause it might ruin the flow if we start to hang out a lot before I leave and then I just take off for a month. I asked him if we could just enjoy and not think too much about the future right now. I like him but I have no expectations. I plan to just let my own story unfold to me as I go on!

I hope I can keep this attitude going! I am soooo fun to hang out with, lol! I am so not my stuck up, snobby, "what will everyone think of me" self. I am cool again :) at least for now! So go ahead, say I am a player or a slut or mentally insane! I don't mind, I had the best weekend in a long time, so it was worth it to me and I am the only one who matters what I think of me!

Update 29

So crazy guy spent the entire week messaging me and trying to convince me to come by. I want to say that he conned me or manipulated me but I am a grown up and I knew what he was up to the entire time and I chose to participate and engage and respond to his messages. I ended up going over one afternoon. It was weird to be there after so long. We watched TV for a bit, then he started with his charm. We ended up kissing, I felt awkward and uncomfortable so we stopped. I told him that I had to go see a client and left after about an hour. I felt bad about going. Nothing terrible happened but I know that I should not have gone. It was pointless and useless and did not make me feel very good about myself. We had a huge argument the next day, obviously... It reminded me just how crazy he was and how insane we were together. I felt really dumb the next day and have not spoken to him since. I was obviously reluctant to write about this and whatever anyone is going to say, I already know.... I got all the lectures from everyone in my life, including myself. The only thing I can do now, is make sure it doesn't happen again. And I intend to do my best.

I spoke about it with my therapist. I seem to either go for Shmucks (yiddish for a dick/jerky guy) or Shmattas (yiddish for rag/guy with no balls). To some degree I either pick a guy that takes on the role that my dad plays in my parents marriage (dominant, bossy, sometimes can be a bit of a shmuck) or I pick a guy that represents my moms role in their marriage (passive, quiet and sometimes a shmatta). The thing is, I pick relationships where there is a clear dominant and a clear submissive person. I am either the jerk with the passive guy or I am the "poor girl" with the mean jerky guy. The only relationship that I have ever been in that was equal with no jerk, no dominant and no submissive person was with my ex. There was a mutual respect for each other. No one was mean or bossy or dominant. We were equal. We were kind and caring and loving and respectful of each other, something I am obviously not used to. And it was wonderful.

Besides my "slip" with crazy guy, things continue to look good... I still feel good about myself and my other choices. I am still keeping the focus on me and growing and changing. I think I am going to meet the guy that I canceled with last Friday. I feel okay about going on one date and being open minded after clearing my head a bit. I have no expectations. I more feel bad for canceling on him twice already and he seems pretty persistent to meet. I am a bit nervous that I should stay on my no dating streak... but hopefully it wont be a big deal.

I even went to see my Bubby (grandmother in Yiddish) today. I say "even" because if ever anyone wanted to know where all my neurosis come from all they need to do is spend 30 minutes with my mom's mom (my Bubby). I get along great with my Safta (grandmother in hebrew- my dad's mom) but for some reason me and my mom's mom do not always click. I walked in and she told me how beautiful I looked. I said thank you (I had just come from work, no make up and my hair was a mess). Then she said "BUT you are too skinny". I said that I was on a diet for Israel and that I was not too skinny I was just fine. Then she proceeded to ignore what I had just said and began to offer me food. How about some fruit? No thanks, I am not hungry. How about Strawberries? No Bubby, that is a fruit too and I just told you that I am not hungry. How about some chocolates? Bubby! Why would you offer someone who just said they are on a diet, chocolate?? Ok, Ok, maybe you want some cereal with milk or a sandwich? OMFG! Fine, I will have 3 strawberries and thats it. She brought out a plate of 10 strawberries with three forks (a manipulation tool so that I would think they were to share even though she and my step-grandfather didn't have any) a bar of chocolate and other fruit. I ate 3 strawberries. She asked why I eat at my other grandmother's house but not her house. I told her it was because my other grandmother did not try to shove food in my face when I said I wasn't hungry. She said it was because I loved her more. FML!

There was a positive part to my visit. She told me how she met my Zaidy (grandfather in Yiddish- he died when I was 6). It was such a nice, romantic, fairy tale story. She was engaged to another man after the Holocaust- WWII. She was 19 years old and as soon as she met my Zaidy, she fell in love with him and he with her. She broke off her engagement with the guy and ran away to another city to be with my Zaidy. They really were crazy about each other. Up until the day he died they kissed and hugged all the time and were so in love. Sound familiar to anyone!??!? Maybe history does repeat itself?

Despite the fact that she drives me nuts most of the time, I think its important to visit her and hear her stories so that they can live on. I have already lost one grandparent and I never got to hear his story and I don't want to make that mistake twice. When I left, she told me that I made her week by coming over. I know it sounds sweet but its just more manipulation and Jewish guilt... This time, I didn't mind it :)

I had coffee today with my oldest friend (we have been friends since we are 4 years old). She is living with her non-Jewish boyfriend and her parents are just starting to come around after 5 years. She highly encourages me to follow my heart. She says that everyone else in my life will follow a few steps behind. Something to think about....

Update 28

This week has been awesome! I spent it all on doing things for myself and with myself! I sent my resume off to a bunch of places and I hope to get a few interviews in before I leave for Israel. I got a new client! I have been looking for condos online just to start to get a feel for the market in the area I want to buy. I have been spending a lot of time outside with my niece and I have been going on walks with my dog and my mom. I have been eating healthy (lost 4 lbs so far!) and I am feeling so good!!! I offered to volunteer as a "Big sister" for a mentoring organization.The business that I invested in is starting to make some financial progress which is sooo great! I have someone working on my addiction website and it should be done before I leave to Israel! Everything is starting to fall nicely into place :) I have been hanging out with my sister more and my girl friends. Tonight I am going to see Sex and the City (very overdue) after Shabbat dinner.

One night I hung out with my best guy friend (he was my first "bad boy" when I was 17 and we have been best friends ever since). Normally when I am dating or with someone, we see less of each other but I specifically made time for him this week. We decided to go for a walk at 11 PM. We were going to walk to the grocery store. One the way we stopped in the park and played on the swings and the monkey bars and the slide! I felt like a kid! It was so much fun! We ended up buying things to make banana bread and baked together at 1 in the morning! It was a waaaaay better night then if I had been on a jdate!

My last day on jdate a guy messaged me and we have been emailing each other. We were supposed to meet tonight but I am not ready right now so I told him that maybe next week we will meet. I am enjoying feeling free for now and I will see how I feel next week.

The other one that messaged lives very far (in LA) and we have been messaging each other on msn but I don't see anything real coming out of it. Long distance is no fun.

Those are the last two that snuck in before my break with JDate, which I feel so good about! I haven't been tempted to log on even once!

I find myself talking a great deal about how wonderful my relationship was with my ex. My mom was telling me a story of a friend of hers who got very sick and her husband had to bathe her and actually change her adult diaper. She said that he is a very special kind of man because she doesn't know of many men that would do that (including my father, lol). I told her that I only know of one that would do that for me.... my ex. She didn't say anything back.

In any case, the weather is great here, I am feeling great and I am working on being the kind of person that I would want to date. As Drake puts it "I'm doing me"!

Update 27

My jdate account expires tomorrow and I could not be happier. It was supposed to expire last month but they kept billing my credit card and I only found out by calling that I need to go into my account and un-click the auto renew button... So I will stay logged on most of the day and if someone interesting messages me then I may meet them but after today thats it! Jdate and I need some time apart for a while!! We are going on a break :)

I am proud to say that I have been "date free" for 2 weeks (plus one day, but who is counting)!! I feel like this is an AA meeting, lol. After dating 40 guys and finding something (often shallow) wrong with every single one of them I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I think that if Prince Charming himself rode right by me on a horse, I would find some way to sabotage it at this point in my life. His shirt wouldn't match the color of the horse or something ridiculous like that!

The ironic part of all of this is that my ex (who I still love and miss very much) is not tall or rich or a professional, many of the same reasons I have dismissed so many of these guys. So I think that in some subconscious way I was just trying to find something, anything wrong because my heart is still with him. I think my subconscious logic was that if I am not going to find the perfect guy and I have to settle on something then perhaps I should be with the one I love and settle on religion... I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way that it makes sense that I have been through 40 guys, dated 3 or 4, and had zero work out.

I spoke to my old professor (who taught both myself and my ex and became a friend to many of the students after we graduated) about the whole situation and he sent me back the funniest message....

Wish EX and you could have worked it out. Maybe you will. I'd like to think I would convert for a girl like you, but that would be me. I suppose in the end one has to be true to self. I just hope it doesn't hurt for too long and if he doesn't come calling, a great guy--let's hope silly rich--sweeps you off your feet.

I know it has only been 2 weeks but it feels right to be alone. I feel sad some nights but I know that it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. I don't want to go on anymore F-ing Jdates! I can't! I won't! I am frustrated and annoyed and I might just lose my mind!!I don't want to go for bubble tea or coffee or dinner and stare at my watch or wonder why I have agreed to put myself through hours of annoying, boring conversations.

I have no clue what I am looking for even though I pretend that I do.

I know that I have 10 more dates to go on to get to 50 but I can't run through them like a marathon runner. I am petrified to get any closer to number 50 cause I still have no idea what happens when I get to the finish line. Jdate is not the right place for me to find love right now. It feels forced and unnatural. If I happen to meet someone while I am out and we click then great if not then I will deal with being by myself :)

I have heard everyone's comments. The nice ones and the not so nice ones. It is weird that a bunch of strangers would have an impact on my life and the decisions that I make. I have decided that when I come back from Israel, I need to figure out a way to make more money (either by getting a day job or busting my ass to get more clients). I need to start to look for a condo to buy and move out of my parents house. I love them dearly and they are really good to me but by living here and being somewhat dependent on them they treat me like a child and I, in turn, act like one.

A few things that have happened with past guys this last 2 weeks...

CRAZY GUY: Out of no where, 2 months after not speaking, I get a bbm. We chatted for a bit and he finally got to his point which was very bluntly stated "can we be friends with benefits". Naturally, I freaked out. I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was.... I hadn't slept with him while we were dating why on earth would I want to be his F*#k Buddy? I asked what planet he was on, where girls just ran over when he snapped his fingers! I was livid! He tried to get out of it by saying he just wants to cuddle and watch a movie blah blah blah. I said no. He tried for a few days and then I actually bumped into him. I took my dog and my niece out for ice cream on a busy patio street in our area. He was two doors down having lunch and saw me and came over to say hi. He looked AMAZING. He sat down and made small talk. He was insulted that I hadn't gone over to say hi to him. He messaged me later that night to try one last time. Although after seeing him, I was slightly tempted I decided it would be a mistake to get wrapped up in his drama again. I politely declined.

COP: Haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. He ended up deleting me from everywhere after I didn't talk to him for a few days. I found that he made a new profile on jdate. He says that he is a doctor, actually a surgeon to be exact. He says he loves to dine in the area that we went the last time when the bill was so much that he let the other guy cover it, lol! He basically described that he is the best most perfect catch in the universe. I read it and laughed my ass off!! He is so deranged! What happens when he meets a girl, has no car to pick her up in, doesn't know a thing about medicine and has to take her back to his mom's 1970's decorated basement??? You think she will figure out that he is lying, lol!!!!!

ACCOUNTANT: He has been messaging me since we bumped into each other at the crazy dramatic party 3 weeks ago. We have tried to make plans a few times but it has not worked out. I think he is still angry about what happened with his friend. If he gets over it maybe we will hang out, if not then not :)

My Fortieth Date

This date was about a week and a half ago but I just haven't gotten around to writing about it... yes, it was THAT interesting!

I'm not sure if you recall the party from hell 3 weeks ago but there was one more missing piece. A few days after the party I got a facebook message from some guy saying that he saw me at the party, thought I was pretty and didn't have enough time to come say hello. But we have a mutual friend that told him my name and so he looked me up and asked me out.

I found out that he was an anesthesiologist and he was good looking in his pictures and seemed nice on the phone. So I decided to meet him.

I think he might just be the best in the business.... Let's just say that he didn't need any anesthesia to put me to sleep on our date!!!

Holy Boring Batman!!!!

We met for bubble tea, obviously. We ordered right away and got straight to talking... about anesthesiology.... yay! One of my all time favorite topics to discuss! He told me all about med school and residency and "funny" stories about patients in the operating room. HAHAHAHA, shut the F up!!!! I wanted to shoot him, like in the face!!! How can someone not know that it is not interesting or cool to talk all about yourself and what you do especially since I am not a doctor and have no interest in the wonderful world of anesthesiology! He told me about his past with dating girls and how he is always the one that gets hurt and that most girls don't get his humor and wit... Do you start off all your relationships with that introduction???? Maybe if you tell me that, I will want to be the one girl that is different than all the others who really tries to get your self centered-ness and hilarious operating room humor!! How is that intro working for you??

The bill came, not soon enough, I offered to pay, he made a dumb fake laugh and said "as if I can't afford $10 bubble tea". As if you could please hurry up, pay the bill, and get me the hell out of here!!! He walked me to my car, even though I told him not to. At the car he leaned in for a kiss and I gave him my cheek. He asked if I wanted to go for sushi with him next week. I said "I'm not sure... we will see how busy I am next week". (And how masochistic I am feeling to want to put myself through another few hours with you!) he said "wow, so I guess this date was about a 6 out of 10 for you". I had no idea what he meant by that so I just smiled and jumped into my car. Like actually did a running leap!

He waited the standard "don't want to look too desperate" 3 days to call. He left a message but I didn't call him back. He then called a second time 3 days after that but did not leave a message. Haven't heard from him since.

BTW, What is with that 3 days waiting period? Only the desperate guys with no self confidence are the ones who wait the 3 days hoping not to look desperate and like they lack self confidence... oxy moron I guess...

Update 26

The last time I saw my ex was just over 7 months ago when I left him at the airport for him to fly back to Europe. I was hysterical. I cried so much at the airport and for a few days following. I had a strong feeling that it was going to be last time I would ever see him again.

This week my best friends boyfriend moved back to Israel. Her tears brought back a lot of memories and pain for me. I remembered exactly how I felt when he left. I still think about him every single day even though I have not spoken to him in over 5 months. I thought that I would have no problem finding another guy to fall in love with but 38 guys later and I just don't feel the same way about any one else. I may just be extra emotional this week cause I am PMS-ing to the max but I have missed him this week more then usual.

My best friend's parents hate her boyfriend. He is Jewish but they hate him for other reasons. My best friend decided that despite how her parents feel, she plans to marry him and be with him forever. I envy her strength and ability to say screw everyone else, I am fighting for love. I didn't have the courage to do that and I still don't think that I do...

I still haven't slept with anyone since my ex... yes, that means I haven't had sex in over 7 months, fml!!!

My sister is away this week and I am house sitting for her. I decided that maybe I need to sleep with someone else to break the tie and connection that I have to my ex. I had it all planned out. I asked the cop to sleep over at my sisters house with me Friday night. He agreed to come over after we went to a movie. When the movie was over, I started to panic. We went to his house so that he could get his toothbrush etc. and I totally freaked out. I actually think I had a mini anxiety attack. I just couldn't picture having sex with him. I told him that I was getting really tired and that I would need to go to sleep right when we got home. He said that was fine with him. Then I tried telling him that I had to be up super early. He said that was okay too. Then I just said that I wasn't feeling great and maybe it would be better if I just went home by myself and got some rest. He said no problem. I went home alone. I was relieved that he didn't sleep over. In fact I think I may have seriously regretted sleeping with him. I noticed that I have been very distant with him this whole week and I feel bad cause he is starting to pick up on it...

Then tonight we went out for dinner with my best friend and one of my close guy friends. He was being awkward the whole night and not social at all. It was a niceish restaurant and I could tell that he was quite uncomfortable. He even told me that he did not want to go to the club after dinner cause all of this "is not his scene". I told him that was fine with me and that I would go with my friends and he could go home. When the bill came my guy friend put in 150 to cover himself and my best friend and me. The cop put in the remaining 50. I couldn't believe that he let another guy pay for me. I was so embarrassed. I have been feeling like I'm "just not that into him" for the past few days. I am waiting to see if its PMS or if I really don't want to be with him. I don't want to lead him on or hurt him so I need to figure something out soon...

Wow, dating is really stressing me out!!!!!

Seeing date 38 again tomorrow and I might see the accountant this week....

I am also working at my sisters job while she is away for 2 weeks as well as my own job so I am exhausted physically and mentally! Some of my days are 13 hours... One week til she is home and then life goes back to normal (whatever that means). I have learned that I really miss living on my own and having my own space and I also miss being super busy with work. I may decide to buy a condo and get one more part time job when I get back from Israel this summer. I need to make some changes cause I am not so happy right now...

Sorry for this Debby Downer update, hopefully I will snap out of it soon!!!

My Thirty Eighth Date

Facebook suggested that I add him as a friend because we had so many friends in common. So I added him and we chatted over facebook for a few weeks. He went on the same organized trip that I am going on this summer to Israel so we talked a lot about that. We decided that it was time to meet. We exchanged numbers and bbms and set a date for Sunday after work. I got there a few minutes earlier than he did so I grabbed a table. The waitress winked at me because I always come there with a different guy. I can only imagine what she must think of me, lmao!! He walked in and spotted me right away. He was cute and the date was fun. I didn't even realize how much time had passed! The waitress came over and asked if I wanted what I normally get... I was so embarrassed!! I found out that his mom was my third grade math teacher and we did some more Jewish geography and realized we have many friends in common. We talked about what we both do for a living and all the trips we had been on. He is a very adventurous guy and has been on some crazy and exciting trips around the world.

I felt a bit bad because the cop called me and messaged me a few times while I was out with this guy. I know I am allowed to date but I think he would be very upset if he knew that I was...

I hope that it is not decision time yet cause I am not ready to make a decision about the cop....

I am having so much fun with him its insane but I am not quite sure that I want to be his girlfriend or be committed to him.

Update 25

Saturday night I went to a fundraiser/party for cancer research. I knew that there would be a lot of young Jewish people there because of the organization that puts this party on once a year. But never in my wildest dreams did I expect this much drama in one night...

Ok, where should I begin. I saw date number 19. It was pretty awkward. He ran up to me and was sooo excited to see me. I talked to him for a bit and then told him that I had to go find my friends. He kept looking over at me and smiling the whole night...

Number 13 was there, the guy who never called me. One of his friends was hitting on me and added me to facebook the next day. All of a sudden he was being so nice and sweet and wanted to know how I was doing etc. So fake.

Next, I had this girl come up to me and say "you look familiar"... Then she asked me if I ever went on a date with a guy named "number 30" I said I did. She said "I hope you know that he was my boyfriend still when you two went out". I told her that I obviously didn't know that or I wouldn't have gone out with him. I also told her that it was one date and he was not my type. She was asking all kinds of questions like where did you guys go, what did he say to you, when exactly was your date. All I said was that I didn't remember. There was no chance that I was going to get sucked into her insane dramatic universe. I know girls like her and if you answer one question then they don't stop fishing. I just told her that I was sorry that he was such a jerk and didn't treat her the way she so obviously deserved to be treated, ya right!!!!! In any case, by the end of the night she was hugging me and dancing with me and acting like my best friend. I can't stand the fakeness!

I saw the doctor's sister there (number 24) and was worried that he might be there but he wasn't.

Now the super fun part of the evening... Remember the accountant (number 22) the guy who was good friends with the doctor and I was dating them both and chose the doctor...

Well he was there.

He came up to me and gave me a hug and then asked me how the doctor was doing. I said I had no idea and that I hadn't spoken to him in months. He told me that he hadn't spoken to him in months either. He told me that when the doctor spoke to him about me this is what he said... "We are dating the same girl, she told me she likes me better and wants to be with me and not you. She told me that I am much better then you are and I already fooled around with her etc. She told me that she is really not into you and thinks you are just a joke and would never seriously date you blah blah blah." I told him that I did not say that and that I was really sorry to hear that the two of them were no longer friends. He told me a bunch of other stuff that the doctor said about me but I am not sure if he is just lying cause he is upset and his ego was bruised. Then one of his friends said that he wanted to take me out but that he was also friends with the doctor so he would have to check with him first. Then he told me that he was the accountants cousin so I told him that he might want to also check with his cousin cause we went out a few times and kissed.

The next day the accountant bbmed me and apologized for being so harsh with me and told me that he would love if we could hang out this summer cause he missed chilling with me. He also said that he thinks his cousin is a great guy and that the two of us should go out... I don't think I want to be mixed anymore in that crazy "Melrose Place" crew but we will see what happens...

We all hang out in the same places in the summer so I am bound to run into them....

Things with the cop are still going great. He is seriously the funniest man on earth! He hasn't been feeling well so I have been going over quite a bit. His mom is an insane Jewish mother. She treats him like he is 4 and we sit and laugh about it! She knows she is insane and she laughs along with us. Our "relationship" is so stress free as I am not concerned or anxious about planning our future like I normally do. Just relaxed fun!

My Thirty Seventh Date

I don't know where to begin... I don't know if I have the vocabulary to properly describe this in words...

His pictures were decent... Our chat and then phone convo were decent too... He seemed witty and charming... He comes from a Hungarian background and my grandparents are Hungarian... we had a bunch of things in common. We set a date for one day last week. I was running late so I called him and asked if we could meet half hour later. He said sure. Then he called me back and said that he would rather reschedule. I said okay, let's play it by ear because I work most evenings and I am not sure how tired I will be after work. He said that really didn't work for him. He needed to pick a day so that he could put it into his calendar. Talk about being rigid... I was hesitant but I agreed to meet three days later on Thursday after work at 9:30. I called him after work and said that I was about to leave work and to find out where he wanted to meet. He said he was just on his way home from the gym and still needed to shower and shave for our date. He asked if we could meet at 10:30. At this point I was seriously annoyed but my co-worker wanted to meet with me anyways so it worked out. I got to the bubble tea place first. He was even later then 10:30.... I got a table and then he showed up. He did not apologize for being late. He did not look like his pictures. He was awkward and weird and had the most annoying voice and laugh. He was so strange. He stared at the menu for like 10 minutes and asked a bunch of questions about all the items. It seemed like it was his first time out of his house and he was discovering the world for the very first time. He was like "wow, how do they make all

these delicious sounding flavors?" or "Can I really mix two flavors?" BTW, he told me that he goes for bubble tea all the time.... Also, after assessing the menu and asking all his weird questions he ordered a plain earl grey tea. Are you kidding me?? It is the most plain, uninteresting thing to possible order on the entire menu, its not even bubble tea! I ordered my bubble tea and we got a toast with condensed milk to share (one of my favorite snacks at bubble tea). Its a very thick piece of toast with sweet condensed milk on top. When it came I cut it in half and put my half on a separate plate cause I did not want his gross hands anywhere near my toast! I took the crust part off my toast but I still nibbled parts of it that had some sweet stuff left on it and then I put the bitten crust on the side of my plate. I know that sounds a bit gross but the part that is even grosser is that he saw me do that, reached over the table to my plate, picked up the crust, said that he does not like to see food go to waste, and without asking my permission.... ATE MY CRUST!!!!!! Barf times a million!!!!! I was honestly so disgusted at this point I didn't know what to do or say. He kept talking and talking. He was definitely socially challenged (I think that is the politically correct way of saying it, lol). He told me that he is the manager of a huge company and there are hundreds of people that work under him and that he is so super important that the company couldn't possibly run without him. I asked him if he had his MBA to be able to do such an important and difficult job and he said that he only did a business degree in community college but that he was so smart and perfect for the job that they just had to hire him. He did a bit of name dropping, except that I had never heard of anyone he was talking about! He had a weird socially impaired grandiosity disorder. He truly believed that he was this amazing, important, great looking, successful guy. He actually said that out loud. He said that he was a great catch and lots of women want to marry him but he is waiting for someone that is equally as amazing as himself to marry. So when you find yourself asking the question "Why is he 36 and single?" This is your answer!

The date lasted about half an hour. I barely said anything. He kept asking if I was tired. I finally said yes, I am pretty tired since the date started an hour later then it was supposed to. He never for one second assumed it could have anything to do with the fact that he was boring me to death. I admire his ignorance! He said that since I was tired, I should get some rest and we can try this again when I was ready to be more fun. OMG! Thanks dad for telling me when we can "do this again"! How about never!!!! We walked outside and he said "well that was a fantastic first date, do you think we will ever get married?" I burst out laughing and said no! I realized later that he did not say this as a joke... fml! The next day I got a text saying he had a great time, told his parents about me and imagine the small world... his dad was the videographer for my batmitzvah video 15 years ago!!! He took it as a sign I took it as a "kill me now!" I didn't even bother writing back....

Update 24

I talked about the nice guy (date 36) with my therapist... I really wanted to like him. It bothered me and worried me that it was niceness that turned me off... I say that I want a good guy to get married and be a father to my children but then when I find someone like that I am so turned off...

I need to figure out a balance between being a 17 year old girl that wants the "bad boy" and a 27 year old girl that wants a husband.

Meanwhile, things with the cop are still going well. We get along fabulously. We don't fight. We laugh constantly. He is really good to me. He presented himself like a jerk at first but he is not like that at all... He is really a gentleman. He babysat my dog for me last week while I was at work. He takes me out all the time and refuses to let me pay (although I always try). He is talking about getting out of policing and getting a job that pays more and doesn't have such crazy hours. He won't let me drive, he opens my car door every single time even after a month of dating. He said that if he finds a new job soon then we can go to Mexico or Dominican for a week together. I think by keeping it casual I am able to be myself. I have no expectations of him or of a relationship so there is no way for me to get disappointed. I have put no pressure on him or on myself to be anything or do anything and its just lots of fun. I think he really wants to try to make money and I see that he is motivated and driven. I have not mentioned anything about money to him but I think he just sensed that I am driven and motivated and successful and that I would probably want the same in a man. So he is making all of these life changes with out me saying anything or getting involved or trying to control the situation (which I have been known to do!) It feels like whatever happens will happen... I have no expectations and its refreshing anf fun!

I am still free to date although I haven't been doing much of that since I met him...

Also, I was accepted onto a young professional trip to Israel for the summer! I am so excited as I have been wanting to go ever since my ex left in October. The rabbi has been trying to get me to go and I have been feeling like I need to be there to get some clarity at the wall. The trip is 2 weeks long and then I will be extending my stay for 2 more weeks to see family and friends! My best friend will even be in Israel at the same time so its going to be an unbelievable trip and I can't wait!!!!

I have started to put the focus back on me. I have been working on my websites and marketing for both my companies so that they will grow and I will be busier with work and have less time to worry about nonsense. Having the cop in my life right now really eases the anxiety of my "husband hunt" and allows me to focus on more important things! Plus I feel refreshed and in a great mood most of the time!

My Thirty Sixth Date

This guy was super nice. Almost to a fault. In his pictures he was tall, muscular, good looking and confident. On the phone he was more like a nervous ugly teenager excited to talk to head cheerleader. I tried to believe that he was just being really nice and that maybe in person he would relax and be himself. He called a lot and said that he was "sooo super excited for our date". He told me that he showed my picture to his co-workers and that they all said I was pretty and they were excited for the date too... okie dokie....

He also teaches grade 2 and told me that even his students were excited for our date... double okie dokie...

In theory he is a great guy. He loves children and animals (has a dog that he refers to as his son). He has a good job, close with his family, has a condo and a car and is really really nice. But there was just something too over the top about his niceness. It became almost creepy...

I called him when I was done shabbat dinner to make plans to meet up. We decided to take one car. So I got to his condo and instead of offering to drive, he hopped into my car. A bit strange but no big deal....

We decided to grab dessert. He handed me a picture that was drawn by his students. He had gone onto facebook, looked me up and printed pictures of me and my dog and had his students paint them. Again, in theory this is really cute and sweet but on a first date it borders the line of being a huge awkward, weird, creepoid!!!!

We sat down, he let me order and we shared a crepe. He got a text from a co-worker and showed it to me. It said "Wow, any girl that likes crepes is a keeper!" First of all how did she know we were having crepes and second of all why is everyone so into this date but me and third why would he show me that message??

We talked mostly about our dogs and about his students and about all his tattoos. His arms were covered in them and they all had special meanings which he told me about.

I am telling you that his look did not match his personality in the least!!!! A big strong tattooed guy that was gushing and mushing all over the place!!!

After that I took him back to his place and he insisted that I meet his son (dog). I went up for 10 minutes to see the dog who was in fact one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen!!

The place was a mess and it smelled funny. I said that I had to get home and I left and went to see the cop :)

Update 23

Still haven't talked to crazy guy in over 3 weeks, woo hoo!

I have, however, been hanging out a lot with the cop (Date number 31)...

It's been very light and casual and hilarious! I laugh from the minute I see him to the minute I leave! He is so funny! We go out out a lot which is a change from the last 2 guys I dated where I just sat in their condos all evening watching TV or movies or cooking...

We have gone to watch bands, to see his friends jam, to movies, for dinners, I even went to go see him do stand up comedy and he was soooo damn funny!

He met my mom for two seconds when he came to pick me up... I hurt my ankle very badly and couldn't drive and I wanted ice cream badly! So he came to get me and took me out for ice cream :) I like it when guys that are normally assholes do nice things and show that they care. I met his mom and step dad as well.

A few things that are starting to turn me off.... He is 33 and lives at home. He has a good job but does not seem to have any money saved up which is s huge red flag for me. Also, he keeps talking about going back to school cause he doesn't want to be a cop anymore... I have no desire to wait four years until he gets out of school and starts working to pay off student loans... He will not be actually making money for like 6 more years.

For now, I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh and feel carefree! I have continued to date other people and do not want to commit to him because I do not see a real future with him. Since we both live at home we have not had much privacy and therefore have only kissed in 3 weeks of hanging out. I'm not sure about him but I am happy taking things super slow and just having a good time, going out, hanging with friends etc...

I hung out a few more times with the Family friend (date number 35)...

He came out for my best friend's birthday last Saturday night and had a few too many to drink and asked me to come home with him. I said that I did not want to and he kind of flipped out and got mad and left without saying goodbye. He apologized the next day but I have not seen him since then. He has messaged me a few times this week but I am really not interested in him. I may bump into him this weekend or next and it won't be weird but I do not want to be with him....

I have been thinking quite a bit about my ex... I have had a few dreams about him this week. I am over half way done my 50 dates and I haven't found anyone that makes me feel like he did...

Just thought I would share that...

My Thirty Fifth Date

Not from Jdate... 10 points!

He is my best friend's close family friend. They grew up together and then stopped hanging out for years because he was away at school etc. She once suggested that I meet him but it never happened and then I was dating someone else and I tried to convince her to go for him because their parents were already best friends and he was a "good catch". He started to come out with our group of friends in the last few months but I wasn't interested or I was dating the doctor or the crazy guy and nothing ever happened. Then about a week ago I added him to facebook because I was making a surprise party for my best friend and wanted to invite him. We started chatting one afternoon and were both not busy and hungry so we decided to grab sushi. I really didn't think it was a date, cause we have been hanging out for a few months now but turns out it was....

We met at sushi and ordered EVERYTHING! We ate more then 5 people would eat at a dinner and it was lunch time! We had good conversation and laughed a lot. We talked about what I do and about his new job that he was excited about. He paid for lunch and then asked if I wanted to go to the mall with him. I said sure! We went to the mall and it was like going with my best friend... They are both Russian background and care a lot about designers and labels and the latest styles and trends... It was like he was the guy version of my best friend! He knew all the hottest designers and has great style and fashion sense. It was so much fun going with a guy that appreciates shopping! So rare! Anyways, it was a really great day. No pressure, care free and lots of fun. Two days later we went out again. He invited me to a movie and in the middle of the movie he leaned over and kissed me. At first I moved away... I was like "oh G-d, why is he ruining a good thing already!" I know his parents and see them all the time, so if we hook up and dont work out then it will be awkward at parties etc. He didn't care.. he tried again... I kissed him back. It was okay. No crazy sparks or anything but that may have been from all the stuff going through my head at the time. I spoke to my best friend about it... She thinks we would be a good match... He is successful and comes from a good home. She thinks he is really good looking, I think he is okay... He is also the type to not want to be in a committed relationship and I am not even sure that I would want to be with a guy like him...

Anyways, I'm sure we will hang out again and either something more will happen or we will go back to how it was...

I am still on the fence with him... Not sure if he is a good idea or not....

Update 22

Where do I begin??

The day after my last update was crazy. I had just updated that things were going okay with Crazy and that I liked him and wanted to be with him and I tried to defend what I was doing with him and the next day this happened....

Monday he was being quite distant. He said he wasn't feeling that well and he was hot because the air conditioner hadn't been turned on in his condo yet. He invited me to come out with his friends to break Passover at a sushi restaurant the following night. I was feeling really insecure abut how distant he had been so I messaged him on Tuesday afternoon and asked him if I could come over instead of just waiting until dinner time. He said that he was playing playstation with some friends and that I would be bored. I said " ok, then I won't come over". He said one of his famous passive lines that drives me up the wall "Do what you want".

I didn't go over. I waited til dinner time and went for sushi with him and his friends. I probably shouldn't have but I did. He was being weird. He didn't touch me at all. Two nights before he was all over me and couldn't keep his hands off of me and tonight, nothing. After dinner we went back to his condo with his friends and watched a Hebrew movie. I am the only one that is not fluent in Hebrew so I kept interrupting to ask "what did he say?" If I touched his hand, he moved it away and pretended to wipe sweat off his forehead. After his friends left I tried to touch his hand one more time and he moved it again so I got up and sat at the other side of the sofa. He asked what my problem was and we argued (only during commercials of course cause while the show was on I had to be quiet). I told him that it did not feel very nice to touch him and have him move away and avoid me and make me feel undesirable. I told him that it did not feel very nice that I am the one who has been making plans with him that last few times and that he doesn't seem excited to see me or make plans and its like he does me a favor like "sure, you can come over if you want". He told me that I am being ridiculous and over sensitive. He said it is because he is not feeling well and that its hot in his place. That I should stop planning and controlling and trying to force things to happen and just to let them happen naturally. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and waking up at 3:30 AM, he was still on the other end of the couch watching TV paying ZERO attention to me. He said that I looked too tired to drive home and that I could go sleep in his bed. I don't know why I said okay... but I did. I went to the washroom and got ready for bed, by the time I got to bed he was already in it, watching TV. I put my head on his shoulder and he left it there for a bit and then told me that I had too much hair and it was making him too hot. I rolled over to the other side and felt like such a desperate loser. How had this happened? I am confident and I think so highly of myself usually. I looked over and he had actually moved to the foot of the bed. The farthest possible place away from me that he could be. I took my phone and bbm mesaaged my best friend who was visiting Europe so it was already 10 AM where she was. I told her what happened and she wrote "Get your clothes on and get the F*ck out of his place you loser!" All of a sudden everything changed in my mind. What the hell was I doing? No man should make me feel like this especially not a Crazy, mind playing, manipulative ass! I got up and started to get dressed. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was going home. He got very angry and yelled at me. He said "I told you that I am boiling hot you don't need to be so immature and dramatic and leave just because I am lying at the foot of the bed". I said I didn't care and if he was so hot then I didn't need to stay and crowd his space. He said his famous line "do what you want" which was ALL I needed to hear to walk out. He followed me out into the hall and gave me a hug and said sorry and to drive home safe. I said nothing and did not hug him back. He messaged me to see if I got home. The next day he messaged me and I gave him cold, one word answers.

My therapist suggested that I try doing the exact opposite of my gut reactions. Normally I would answer him right away or go over there or make sure he did not feel rejected or unwanted. So I decided that the opposite of that was to only worry about myself and how I feel. If I didn't feel like answering because I was out then I didn't answer. I didn't pretend that everything was okay because it wasn't. He asked me why I was ignoring him and I told him that there was no point to discuss it because I am not interested in fixing anything with him. The messages got less frequent and the last one was a very rude message on Saturday night (he was obviously drunk). He was trying to ruin my evening so I didn't even open it until I got home. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I intend to keep it that way. His friend called me and told me that he is very upset but he is too proud to call me. I said that it was better that way because we don't have a future together and we would have driven each other insane if this went on for very much longer. I do miss all of his friends cause they were amazing to me but its for the best. I do not regret any time that I spent with him or anything that happened. It all happened for a reason and made me a stronger person and made me realize one more thing that I do not want in a man.... CRAZY!