Update 29

So crazy guy spent the entire week messaging me and trying to convince me to come by. I want to say that he conned me or manipulated me but I am a grown up and I knew what he was up to the entire time and I chose to participate and engage and respond to his messages. I ended up going over one afternoon. It was weird to be there after so long. We watched TV for a bit, then he started with his charm. We ended up kissing, I felt awkward and uncomfortable so we stopped. I told him that I had to go see a client and left after about an hour. I felt bad about going. Nothing terrible happened but I know that I should not have gone. It was pointless and useless and did not make me feel very good about myself. We had a huge argument the next day, obviously... It reminded me just how crazy he was and how insane we were together. I felt really dumb the next day and have not spoken to him since. I was obviously reluctant to write about this and whatever anyone is going to say, I already know.... I got all the lectures from everyone in my life, including myself. The only thing I can do now, is make sure it doesn't happen again. And I intend to do my best.

I spoke about it with my therapist. I seem to either go for Shmucks (yiddish for a dick/jerky guy) or Shmattas (yiddish for rag/guy with no balls). To some degree I either pick a guy that takes on the role that my dad plays in my parents marriage (dominant, bossy, sometimes can be a bit of a shmuck) or I pick a guy that represents my moms role in their marriage (passive, quiet and sometimes a shmatta). The thing is, I pick relationships where there is a clear dominant and a clear submissive person. I am either the jerk with the passive guy or I am the "poor girl" with the mean jerky guy. The only relationship that I have ever been in that was equal with no jerk, no dominant and no submissive person was with my ex. There was a mutual respect for each other. No one was mean or bossy or dominant. We were equal. We were kind and caring and loving and respectful of each other, something I am obviously not used to. And it was wonderful.

Besides my "slip" with crazy guy, things continue to look good... I still feel good about myself and my other choices. I am still keeping the focus on me and growing and changing. I think I am going to meet the guy that I canceled with last Friday. I feel okay about going on one date and being open minded after clearing my head a bit. I have no expectations. I more feel bad for canceling on him twice already and he seems pretty persistent to meet. I am a bit nervous that I should stay on my no dating streak... but hopefully it wont be a big deal.

I even went to see my Bubby (grandmother in Yiddish) today. I say "even" because if ever anyone wanted to know where all my neurosis come from all they need to do is spend 30 minutes with my mom's mom (my Bubby). I get along great with my Safta (grandmother in hebrew- my dad's mom) but for some reason me and my mom's mom do not always click. I walked in and she told me how beautiful I looked. I said thank you (I had just come from work, no make up and my hair was a mess). Then she said "BUT you are too skinny". I said that I was on a diet for Israel and that I was not too skinny I was just fine. Then she proceeded to ignore what I had just said and began to offer me food. How about some fruit? No thanks, I am not hungry. How about Strawberries? No Bubby, that is a fruit too and I just told you that I am not hungry. How about some chocolates? Bubby! Why would you offer someone who just said they are on a diet, chocolate?? Ok, Ok, maybe you want some cereal with milk or a sandwich? OMFG! Fine, I will have 3 strawberries and thats it. She brought out a plate of 10 strawberries with three forks (a manipulation tool so that I would think they were to share even though she and my step-grandfather didn't have any) a bar of chocolate and other fruit. I ate 3 strawberries. She asked why I eat at my other grandmother's house but not her house. I told her it was because my other grandmother did not try to shove food in my face when I said I wasn't hungry. She said it was because I loved her more. FML!

There was a positive part to my visit. She told me how she met my Zaidy (grandfather in Yiddish- he died when I was 6). It was such a nice, romantic, fairy tale story. She was engaged to another man after the Holocaust- WWII. She was 19 years old and as soon as she met my Zaidy, she fell in love with him and he with her. She broke off her engagement with the guy and ran away to another city to be with my Zaidy. They really were crazy about each other. Up until the day he died they kissed and hugged all the time and were so in love. Sound familiar to anyone!??!? Maybe history does repeat itself?

Despite the fact that she drives me nuts most of the time, I think its important to visit her and hear her stories so that they can live on. I have already lost one grandparent and I never got to hear his story and I don't want to make that mistake twice. When I left, she told me that I made her week by coming over. I know it sounds sweet but its just more manipulation and Jewish guilt... This time, I didn't mind it :)

I had coffee today with my oldest friend (we have been friends since we are 4 years old). She is living with her non-Jewish boyfriend and her parents are just starting to come around after 5 years. She highly encourages me to follow my heart. She says that everyone else in my life will follow a few steps behind. Something to think about....