I was at a club in Israel and this guy who I know from back home and haven't seen in 5 years walks up to me. From what I know of him he is a great guy. We have a few friends in common and we used to hang out when we were younger. I always thought he was very good looking and funny etc. He gives me a big hug and says how great it is to bump into someone he knows. He is Israeli background and most of his family lives in Israel and the rest live in the states. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said no so he started dancing with me. I could tell that he was already drunk. At the end of the night he took my phone number and kissed me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night with him and I politely declined. He asked if I was free the next day to hang out on the beach and I said I was. I left with my friends and he texted me right away. He said that it was so nice to see me and that he wishes I could have stayed longer and blah blah blah. My best friends boyfriend told me that he knows him well and that he has a great family and he is a great guy and that I should go hang out with him the next day. So I did.
I got dropped off outside his hotel which was right on the beach. As my luck would have it as he came to greet me outside the hotel one of Date number 42's very good friends was walking by and stopped to say hello. It was quite awkward.
We went down to the beach, went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. He seemed sweet and attentive. We held hands, had good conversation and things were going okay. The we decided to go into the water for a bit. After we got out he started to tell me that he would love to live here. He loves being by the water and he feels good while he is here but wouldn't want to leave his family back home. He asked me if I was going to stay in Tel Aviv (thats where his hotel was) and come to a club with him later on. I said that I wasn't sure because I had to be up early the next day etc. We went back to his hotel after the beach (mistake number one). He said that I could use the shower to rinse off all the sand so I did (mistake number 2). I didn't lock the door (mistake number 3) and as I was showering, he walks right in and hops into the shower. I actually felt really uncomfortable. He made it seem like I wanted him in there because I didn't lock the door. He started to kiss me and I felt so uncomfortable that I asked him to leave the shower and let me finish washing up. When I got out of the shower, he went in to finish washing up and I quickly got dressed in the room. I didn't want him to assume I wanted anything by being naked when he got out of the shower. The room was tiny and the only place to sit was on the bed (mistake number 4). When he got out of the shower, he did not get dressed. He only had a towel on and he climbed into bed. He told me to relax (I hate that word more then any word in the english language) and to come cuddle (mistake number 5). He mentioned to me that he would have to leave for half hour to meet his parents but that I could hang out in his room and when he got back we would go for dinner and then maybe out to a club if I was staying in the area. I said that was no problem and that I would wait the half hour (mistake number 6). We started kissing and he kept trying to sleep with me. At least I learned my lesson from date 42 not to do that again. So I decided to do the least slutty thing I could think of that would satisfy him enough to stop trying to sleep with me. Thats right I brought back the HJ! Please don't misunderstand... I wanted to be there. I was attracted to him, I have known him for years and liked kissing him and being intimate with him. So this was in no way forced, I just had no intentions of having sex with him and every once in a while there is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned HJ :) (mistake number 7).
The second, maybe millisecond that he was done, he cleaned up, hoped out of bed, put clothes on, grabbed his key and cell phone and as he was opening the door said bye, see you in half hour. And he just left me there, sitting in the bed, shocked by the fact that someone would actually just do that. Maybe its the norm but I have never been in that situation before. I am very careful about being slutty and putting myself in situations like that when I am at home so in 27 years that has never happened to me. I normally only fool around with someone that I care about and that at least somewhat cares back about me so I have never felt that disgusting empty feeling of being left in bed like a prostitute. I thanked G-d that I hadn't been stupid enough to sleep with him. I felt terrible and I could only imagine how much worse I would have felt had I slept with him. I imagined how it must feel for a 17 year old girl with low self esteem to sleep with a guy and think that he is really into you and then he just gets up and walks out. For some reason I stayed there. Partly because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My family lived in another city and they were at work and could only get me in a few hours. I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and felt gross. It gets worse. After 10 minutes I get a call from him. I am coming back to the hotel to change because my parents are begging me to come out for dinner with them and 10 other people in my family. I am so sorry but I can't get out of this dinner. He knew that I didn't have anywhere to go because I told him when my cousins could come get me. I said no problem and hung up. I gathered up my things and called the guy that I had bumped into earlier in the day (date number 42's friend) and asked him what he was up to and if he wanted to grab dinner. He said he was going out with some friends and that he would love for me to come along too. As I was walking out of the hotel, he was walking back in to change. He kissed me on the forehead and apologized again and said that as soon as he was done he would call me to meet back up. I fake smiled, said nothing and walked out.
I obviously did not hear from him later that night or ever again.
I really don't know how some girls do it. Being intimate with no attachments. This is not a judgement, I seriously wish I could do it. The idea seems fun but I the two times I did it in Israel, I got hurt and didn't feel good at all. I think I will just stick to what I am comfortable with which is not going too far with a guy that I am not sure actually likes me and cares about me. Its just too painful for me and I don't want to be in a position where I feel like that again.
From this experience I went through my bbm list and deleted every guy from home that is "toxic". Guys that don't actually care but want to fool around with me. Or guys that I message when I feel lonely but there is no potential of us actually being together. On that list was crazy guy and the accountant.
WOOOOOOW what a f*ckin tool.. just curious as to why you didn't toughen up with him? You are usually so tough and straightforward with the other guys yet you seemed very passive with this one, why?
ReplyDeleteNo judgements but you should have known from the door he was just trying to get some when he asked you to spend the night with him when you ran into him at the club after not seeing you in years. There was nothing wrong with hanging with him the next day or even going to his hotel even though you had no intentions on sleeping with him, but soon as he started doing things that made you feel uncomfortable, you should have told him just that. And if he acted like a prick about it, then that would have told you right there he's not worth your time and f*ck his feelings and/or blue balls. (Or if all else fails, just say you're on your period - works every time lol)
He's on vacation so he's probably trying to bang as many chicks as possible. So don't beat yourself up too bad over it. He was a d*ck for pushing up on you so hard and you shouldn't have felt obligated to satisfy him in any way. I know u were probably thinking you didn't have anywhere to go and didn't want him to get pissed and kick you out.. but even if he did, so what. You could've went back to the beach or chilled at the bar for a while until your ride came. And then you wouldve known that he wasn't worth sh*t so eff 'em.
But don't sweat it. Not a big deal. Just don't be afraid next time to stick to your guns and never allow yourself to be pressured to do anything you don't want to do. When I'm in a situation like that, I like to make it known from the door that there will be no 'funny business' if I go back to their apartment (unless I want to do it), hotel, etc. That way, if they start pushing up and you ask them to stop, they can't say you were a c*cktease (i hate that word by the way) because you already told them the deal from the door.
That's terrible! This guy is awful and you shouldn't feel ashamed in any way. You misjudged him because you used to know him and his friends said he was a good guy; but it's always best to see those things for yourself before you commit to hanging out in an intimate setting. I'm sorry that whole thing even happened to you; but I think it's pretty cool when you have some self-reflection and you now know that you need intimacy in a physical relation; and there's nothing wrong with that!
ReplyDeleteYeah, the self-reflection this brought makes it worth-while. Everyone needs to go through this to understand what they really want and are really worth. You learned after two events. Most girls take MUCH MUCH longer to realize this. It shows you do infact have self-confidence.
ReplyDeleteYou have to be very protective in this world. When I used to date Jewish guys when I was younger, for some reason I actually thought they would treat me better than Christian guys, but they didn't. It depends on the person you are dating, not their background.
ReplyDeleteI would not personalize what happened. You are not a slut - don't refer to yourself that way. It is upsetting to read that a lovely young girl like yourself would have those feelings. They guy was in the wrong - not you. You are putting yourself down. He does not respect women. Or, he sees them like silicon dolls he can use. It has nothing to do with you.
I think that you are putting yourself in precarious situations that are not right for you. You know that you are not a girl who can bed-hop. So, you should avoid being alone in a man's home until you have known him at least a month and are attracted to him. You were turned off because he was an idiot. People told you he was quality, but your experience told you otherwise. The advice given to you about him was wrong. You can now tell these people that maybe he has a nice family, but he is not the quality guy you thought he was and not pressure you to see him without giving specific details.
ReplyDeleteThis really puts some stuff in perspective for me. I have written a couple of not nice notes in the past, but I really do appreciate you putting all this out there and trying to improve yourself and your dating approach.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like going into it but I know that gross feeling very well from my last relationship. And when you said he kissed your forehead that was it for me: 'my' guy was totally selfish but it was those sweet little moves that make it a hundred times worse.
I agree Alexis; you are oddly passive with some guys that you think(?) have potential but are very assertive with others. You have to learn to be more assertive with the ones you give a chance to. Just because they're potentials doesn't mean that you let them manipulate you into doing things and being in situations that you aren't comfortable with. Guys like assertive women and if they don't then they're probably not worth your time in the first place and you won't end up feeling like crap later.
ReplyDelete