Update 30

What a difference a few weeks of not jdating has made for my mental health! I have no deadline, no ticking clock, I am not anxious or stressed and I am not in "find husband yesterday mode". I feel cool and chilled and relaxed. I feel like someone I would like to spend time with that is fun and carefree. I think I have actually been putting this vibe out to the universe. Although I have stopped meeting new guys, a few old ones have popped back up. This time around I am being less judgmental, threw out my "husband checklist" and have decided to enjoy being single and not be so uptight and worried about what people will think. I have two weeks until I go to Israel so i figured I would start having fun now! Vacation started this weekend and hopefully my attitude will continue throughout my trip and I will come back relaxed, happy and stress free.

Number 38 invited me to his pool party on Sunday afternoon. I figured "why not". I knew that I wouldn't know very many people but that it might be fun. So I went over and it was a great party. He has so many awesome friends! There were like 30 or 40 people there which showed me that he is quite social and people really like him. He kissed me hello on the lips and then acted like we were just friends in front of all of his friends. So I just followed his lead and had a lot of fun. I ended up knowing a bunch of his friends so I could be independent and not need him to "babysit me" (not that I ever really need that, lol). I had to leave after about an hour and a half to go run a group for work. He walked me to my car and gave me another kiss goodbye. He told me to come back after work, so I did. It was dark by the time I got back, and his friends were sitting around a campfire. It was so nice and chilled. It felt like high school, in a good way! He told me to come sit with him on his lawn chair and he was being affectionate in front of his friends and siblings. People started to leave. I helped his sister clean up and before I knew it I was the last guest left. his sister went to sleep and we went to sit by the pool. I don't know what came over me, I felt like it was back when I was 16, when I didn't care about my reputation or about how I looked or about what everyone might think of me. I asked him if he wanted to go swimming. He said of course but did you bring a bathing suit? I said no, I didn't ;) I asked him to grab me one of his sisters T-shirts and two towels. I changed into the t-shirt right outside. I didn't go to the washroom like my usual prude self. It felt exciting and scandalous, lol, I feel like such a dork saying that but it really did! We had fun in the pool at 1 am. We kissed a lot and I had a really great time. I even got my hair wet, unheard of!

The next day Crazy (number 28) asked me to come over. We had been talking for the last week since I saw him and I kept on making excuses why I couldn't come over. He was going out of town and didn't know if he would be back before I left to Israel and wanted to "say goodbye". I decided not to analyze it and think too much about it and just go. I let lose and didn't care about being judged or about how I would feel the next day. I even went over with my gross hair from the pool the night before and no make up. I really didn't care! I felt like going, so I went. We ended up having so much fun. We spent the day together. He was even patient and sat around while I did my hair for 2 hours after. Then we went out to the mall with his niece and it felt like how we used to be. We laughed and it was just relaxed. I didn't bring any of my negative energy or my pressure or stress and I was actually able to have a great day.

That evening I had plans with the accountant (number 22), I wasn't sure if he was going to cancel because I thought he was still mad at me. He messaged me to come over for 9 so I did. When I walked in, he didn't stop complementing me. I actually tried hard to look good that night so it was nice that he recognized it. He told me to take off my heels and that we are going for an adventure. An adventure I asked?? He said, stop being so prissy, go get flats from your car and lets go on the subway. The subway??? The "new me" decided to just trust him and be adventurous! I was wearing a dress so I sat on his lap on the subway cause I didn't want my almost bare bottom to sit on the seats. He was cracking up laughing at me! I asked where we were going. He said no more fancy restaurants for you. I took you to all the hot spots when we dated 5 months ago, we need to cut the shit and see who you really are. I was like "oh g-d, he is punishing me for what I did and getting me back by taking me to McDonalds or something!" I went with it anyways. I told him that I didn't know when I became "that girl" that only likes expensive snobby restaurants. I told him that wasn't even me. I used to love going to dives and holes in the wall and I can't remember why or when that stopped. We got off at a random stop, in a very bad part of town. I asked if he was taking me somewhere to have me killed! He laughed again. We got to this place that had a line up around the corner. It was a hidden jem in the middle of a terrible neighborhood that he had found. He somehow managed to scam us to the top of the list, and no he did not slip anyone any money. He is just super charming like that. The food was unreal! It was so delicious! I even had a drink! I barely ever order a drink, again cause I don't want anyone to think I am.... you know what? I don't even know what I don't want people to think!!!! How f@cked is that?!?!? Anyways, I had such a great night! On the subway ride back we made out like teenagers that couldn't care less if we looked un-classy or that people were rolling their eyes etc. The world just consisted of me and him and what WE thought, no one else. He told me that he has really liked me ever since we met months ago and that I really did break his heart. I told him that I was sorry but that perhaps it wasn't meant to be then. Perhaps neither of us were ready for each other then and it would have been a waste if we ended up dating months ago. He told me to shut up, lol. I went back to his house after to kiss and cuddle, and that is exactly what we ended up doing. He said that he was upset that I was going away cause it might ruin the flow if we start to hang out a lot before I leave and then I just take off for a month. I asked him if we could just enjoy and not think too much about the future right now. I like him but I have no expectations. I plan to just let my own story unfold to me as I go on!

I hope I can keep this attitude going! I am soooo fun to hang out with, lol! I am so not my stuck up, snobby, "what will everyone think of me" self. I am cool again :) at least for now! So go ahead, say I am a player or a slut or mentally insane! I don't mind, I had the best weekend in a long time, so it was worth it to me and I am the only one who matters what I think of me!