Update 33

The second week of my trip was MUCH better. I realized that I had been PMSing the first week and after that ended I was much more tolerant and pleasant. I put myself out there and made more friends. A bunch of people actually said that until they got to know me they thought I was the biggest bitch and now they think I am the nicest person. We went to a bunch of lectures and one that really hit home was about intermarriage. There was some crazy statistic that about 50% of Jewish people in my generation are marrying non Jews and that the chances of those couples having Jewish grandchildren were very slim. I ended up speaking with the lecturer for almost an hour after the presentation and I almost missed the bus. I shared my story with him and he thought that it was very courageous of me to come to Israel to get more connected to my Jewish roots and to figure out “why” I need to marry a Jewish person. We exchanged emails and we are still in touch almost 3 weeks later. The next important part of my trip was in Jerusalem at the Western wall... My wall. I wrote a prayer on a piece of paper and went to the wall to put it in. I touched the wall and said a prayer and I cried a bit. I was expecting myself to have more feeling when I was standing there but I only cried a bit. I tried to stand there longer and to talk to G-d and to ask him questions and to feel an answer but I didn’t. I finally backed away from the wall feeling let down and disappointed. It is customary to face the wall and walk backwards so that you are not turning your back on the wall so I did that. As I got farther away from the wall I could see the entire wall and tons of Jewish people standing there praying and dancing and singing and crying. I watched MY people at that wall. They had come from Israel and from all over the world just to stand there, the holiest place in the world, and talk to G-d. And that’s when I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t just cry, I bawled my eyes out for almost half an hour. For the last 2000 years Jews married Jews who had Jewish children who then married Jews and had more Jewish children just so that I could be born Jewish, just so that we could have a Jewish state and the opportunity to keep our faith alive for another 2000 years to come. I looked at my wall and at my people and I had this overwhelming feeling that I could not dare break the chain. If I make an exception and then my children make exceptions then the Jewish religion through my liniage dies at my wedding. I had this feeling that the fate of the Jewish religion sat on my shoulders. I felt an incredible sense of guilt and shame for considering to end Judaism at my wedding. And still I missed my ex. The ironic thing was that I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted there with me to experience this spiritual awakening. I felt like if anyone could understand it, it would be him.

A week later it was my birthday. I waited the whole day wondering if he would remember or email me or message me. Then I went into my room and saw that I had a chat message from him wishing me a happy birthday. He was still online so I messaged him back. We ended up chatting for quite a while. It was the first time in 7 months that I had a conversation with him. I told him that I was in Israel and that I was looking for some more spirituality. He asked me if there was any chance I was flying through Europe (where he lives)on my way home. I told him “you have no idea how much I wish I was”. He told me he missed talking to me. I told him I missed everything. We ended the conversation with saying that it was a nice chat and hope to do it again sometime. I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake the whole night. I was excited and confused. On one hand I knew that I still felt that I couldn’t be with him and on the other hand there was no one else in the entire world that I would rather be with. It felt like we both had the same feelings. We both loved and missed each other even though we had not spoken in 7 months. I debated booking a flight to go see him. I fantasized about what it would be like to knock on his door and be in his arms. I wanted to share with him how I felt at the wall and I wanted us to come up with a solution where we could be together. The next evening I saw him online and messaged him hello. I’m not sure what I was going to say I just really had so much to share with him and so many questions etc. He wrote me back an email saying that he is still trying to grow and that involves not being back in touch with me. He said sorry and then ended with “I would appreciate no reply to this email”. And just like that he was gone again. I cried. A lot. Perhaps once again G-d had to intervene and do for me what I was not strong enough to do for myself. I was so upset and confused. I needed to break my tie with him.

The next night I called up the 24 year old (date 42). We went out with friends and I ended up spending the night. I went with the intention to sleep with him. It has been 9 months since I have had sex and the last person was my ex. I figured this guy was a safe person to sleep with. He was not from my state, we knew none of the same people and he was not really a potential to be with after we left Israel. And so I did. He was very passionate and gentle. We spent the next day together on the beach and then thats the last time I saw him. I don’t regret it but I felt as if I had in some way betrayed or cheated on my ex. It was a very strange feeling.

A few days later I went to get a blessing from the wife of one of the biggest rabbi’s in Israel. Normally I would never do something like this but my rabbi at home strongly suggested it and went through hoops to find someone who would meet me there and try to get me in. I decided to trust my rabbi and go. There was a line up outside her door. People coming from all over to get a blessing. There was a man at the door sending people away. He said that the rabbi was in the hospital and that his wife was not feeling up to seeing people today. For some reason I had a feeling she would see me. The man that I was with whispered something into the guys ear. He went inside and came back outside and said that she had agreed to meet with me. I went in and I told her my story. It was a bit hard because she didn’t speak any English and my Hebrew is limited. She gave me her blessing for health and happiness and a Jewish home. It was a very interesting experience to be in her home and to hear her speak to me and bless me. I am not sure what to think of it, and not sure how much I believe in it but I am glad that I went. I hope her blessing comes true for me.

If I had a magic wand, I would have my ex and a Jewish home. But I don't.