Sunday, January 31, 2010

Update 13- Week Three

So its been 3 weeks... so far so good :)
I wrote my list of ways I was scared that I was going to screw things up and so far none of them have come true!! Go me!!

Here is the list of things I think I might do to ruin things with him:

Talking too much about the future

Controlling his spending

Controlling when he can have boys night

Sleeping with him too early

My jealousy of his female friends

Disbelief- he is too good to be true

Looking for flaws- he grew up being spoiled by his parents (entitled), materialistic, wants to have sex and seems impatient that I want to wait (although he is still waiting)

Getting upset or disappointed if he doesn’t call or plans fall through and feeling spiteful or venguful

Irrational around my period (major PMS)

Rush into everything, moving too fast

Start my list of demands- go out more, be my bf, call every night to say good night...

Having no patience to let things unfold- my need to control progression of relationship

Let my fears of getting hurt get the best of me and guide my behavior

Pressuring him into marriage, meeting my family and friends etc

Already planning how many times a week we can hang out, when I can start to sleep over etc

Doing my detective work- checking his phone to see if girls are calling him etc.

Not being able to relax and enjoy him

Wow! After re-reading that list I can't imagine how I have been able to last in so many relationships and not screw them up!I must have some really great qualities to counteract my controlling behavior! I have so many characteristics that could potentially screw up a good thing but I guess with some awareness of them I am able to not let them get the best of me and ruin my relationships.I mean, I was able to do it in the past and so far I am succeeding with this one! After going over this list I came to a few realizations, with the help of my support system (Friends, Family, Therapist, Al-Anon group members etc.)

I realized that many of my negative behaviors can be put into a category called "controlling". In my session, my therapist referred to controlling behaviors as insecure. In all my years in Al-Anon I have never heard it referred to that way. It seems so obvious to me now that he said it but I had just never thought about it that way. It makes so much sense! I act in this way because I feel insecure and therefore feel the need to try to control my environment. I need to really be positive and give my self some affirmations.... I am awesome!! I have noting to worry about and any guy that ends up with me is the luckiest man on earth! Step 2- start to really believe what I just said, lol!
I realized that he is not perfect. I am not the only one that needs to worry about screwing things up. He is super lucky to have me (with all my quirks) and he needs to be the one who is worried about screwing things up with me! I need to be very aware of his character defects and decide if I can tolerate them. I need to put aside that he is a Jewish Doctor (every Jewish mothers stereotypical dream for her daughter) and make sure that he has the qualities that I am looking for. I can for see the spoiled/entitled thing being a problem and I need to keep my eyes open and not be blinded by the things he has to offer me on paper. So far, he is a gentleman... we spoke about the sex thing and he said that he wants to wait until I am ready and so far he is doing that. He is attentive, he calls all the time and we see each other often. He is romantic, we watched Love Story together the other night and then next day I got a text message saying "Love means never having to say you are sorry" - the famous quote from the movie. And he played me the theme song on the piano :) And he took pictures of me and printed one on a huge poster size paper and gave it to me.
Also, we had our first sleepover at my house and I made him dinner and he said that he could tell that I would make an incredible wife :)
So for now I need to relax and enjoy and trust in the process!
If we are meant to be we will be and if not them I will find someone even better, that has been my pattern so far, so I need not worry!!! Right?!?!?!


  1. When do you think you'll feel ready to sleep with him? I wouldn't be able to hold out on a sleepover...

  2. I'm enjoying reading your blog...but I'm confused. Do you live at home with your parents? From some entries, it seems as though you do (but I may be reading things incorrectly). I'm not asking this in a judgmental way, just in a curious way--ie how do sleepovers at your house go over when your parents are there?

  3. Since you made a list and know yourself well (so it seems), maybe this is what will help you from committing the acts you fear. Hey, random, but you have 50 followers at the moment....50 j dates, 50 followers. symbolic, right? lol.

  4. @Anon... I am not sure when I will be ready to sleep with him but for sure not until he is officially my boyfriend. I want to make sure that we really like each other and that he wants to fully commit before I just give it up to him.

    @Anon... I do live with my parents but my mom was out of town and my dad goes to sleep at 10 and is less strict about stuff like that. I left him a note saying that we stayed up really late and he ended up falling asleep here cause he was too tired to drive home. My dad was cool with it. And if he wasn't, he didn't say anything to me about it :)

    @Alabaster.... I think that was what my therapist had in mind when he had me write out the list. Hopefully if I am aware of my behaviors, it will be harder for me to do them subconsciously or be in denial about them. I hope his theory will work :)
    I didn't even notice the 50 symbolism, cool!!!

  5. Er, can you try and relax and have fun with him? Putting pressure on people to be 'the one' has, in my experience, made me overlook bad qualities and try to make him fit what I want. You may do the opposite, but in any event it takes out out of the moment and makes it harder to enjoy your time and get to know them naturally and realistically.

    Gl, mostly just try and breath, ok?