Monday, January 11, 2010

Update 8

Before the new year I logged onto facebook one morning and looked at my ex's profile page. He had put up a picture of him with his ex girlfriend (the one right before me). The thing is that at the time the picture was taken, when he went to Spain a few months ago, we were still together. He told me that he ran into her and that a bunch of their friends, as well as she, all went out for dinner together. I was annoyed by this but let it go at the time. This picture was of them hanging out at the beach. Possibly innocent, possibly not. Either way, I wasn't communicating with him so I couldn't ask him and therefore I took it at face value and felt betrayed. I began to check his profile page very often. Like a few times a day. It was getting pathetic, really. Then, on New Years morning, I checked it again and he had pictures of him and some blonde girl. They had spent new years together at a party and the pictures were making me sick. I inspected the pictures. I tried to see where his hands were positioned around her waist. I tried to see how he was looking at her in the pictures. I compared the pictures of them to pictures of him and girls that I knew he was just friends with to see if there was a difference. I started to feel so incredibly jealous and angry. I was resentful. I have been on 20 or so dates and have not been able to find anyone that I liked more then him... We stop talking for like 3 weeks and he has already found a new girl. My mind was driving me insane. So insane that I finally pushed the "remove friend" button on his page. That was it. He was gone. I could no longer stalk his page. I started to panic. Why had I done this?? Now I couldn't see if he posted more pictures. I called my best friend and made her give me her password. I logged into her account and continued to stalk his page through her. It was actually frightening how out of control this was. He posted more pictures of the two of them the next day and the girl wrote him a message. It was hurting me every time I looked and yet I couldn't stop looking. I needed to be stopped. I went to my therapist and talked out the insanity of what I was doing to myself. I got back into my normal rational state of mind. If I know I don't want to be with him then I should be happy for him if he finds a nice girl to move onto. Once I accepted this and grieved the worst possible scenario (that he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her), I was invincible! I got home and asked my best friend to change her password and not to give it to me even if I begged for it. I felt free. I was happy that he wasn't my friend anymore and knowing he was possibly with someone else gave me even more closure. I can't say yet that I am happy for him, and I am still upset that he possibly lied about his ex in Spain but at least I feel at peace with the situation...

In the meantime I have number 19 calling me everyday from Israel and sending me emails. And number 21 making some form of communication everyday. They are both very sweet. I can't say that I am super into either of them but its a nice distraction from the crappy feelings with my ex. So now its been over a month of not speaking to him and about a week of not being interested in what he is up to and/or stalking his profile page!

My new years Resolutions were:
-To delete him completely so that I could start to heal and move on (although one of the more difficult things I have done, I highly recommend it to anyone in a break up). It is painful for the first few days and then it moves you forward like 5 years!!! Trust me!!!
-To begin to be happy with who I am, independent of who I am with (or not with)
-To build up my practice and take more pride in my work
-To start up one more business (in a totally different field)
-Clean my room
-Look into more classes and become even more certified within my field
-Try harder to get back to my old relationship with my mom and not be so snappy with her!

P.S. My theme song for the past two weeks has been Michael Buble- Haven't met you yet. I love it and it gives me lots of hope and excitement that my Bashert (soul mate) is still out there!

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