Update 41

FLORIDA!

We drove down to Florida together a few days ago with the dogs. It was a good drive and we laughed a lot. He let me listen to my hip hop music and made funny imitations of my dance moves. We got to his house and immediately he became the happiest person in the world. He loves his house and the warm weather puts him in the best mood. The last few days we spent cleaning up, grocery shopping, watching the dogs swim, showering in the backyard shower and making trips to Home Depot like a cute married couple. We have been cooking together and having the best time. His house is beautiful and I feel very at home with him here.

I discovered that he is an amazing chef! He made me the most delicious dinner last night. We had steak and portobello mushrooms and salad. Tonight he is making ceviche, yum!

We drank a bottle of wine (which I barely ever do) and we got drunk together and had so much fun! We were acting like silly teenagers in love!

He really likes to take care of me which is kind of weird for me. I am usually the caretaker in relationships and he treats me like a princess. This morning while I lay in bed he did our laundry and cleaned the kitchen from our drunk dinner last night. Its something that I can definitely get used to. I am really in love with him. He told me that he wants to be with me forever and wants to marry me one day. He is treating his house like its our house already. I am here til the first week in January and then I go back home but he stays in florida. Its going to be a difficult winter but I think we will get through it.

Our moms are flying in tomorrow, should be interesting to say the least! We stocked the fridge with tons of yummy food that he is going to make for all of us this week. We are going to leave the moms with the dogs for a few days and go on a mini vacation together. I am excited to relax and party with him.

I think we are an awesome couple! Its been over 4 months and I am still so happy!

I will update on the mini vacation and the how it goes with moms, lol.

Update 40

So a few things...
My sister and her husband are away on their honeymoon. Since my sister works for my dad and there is no one to cover for her, I had to or else she couldn't really go at this time. I am also watching her house and puppy. My boyfriend moved in with me there for the 2 weeks and together we now have 4 dogs... kill me!! We have my Minpin, my sisters Yorkie, his yellow lab and his big black dog. I am working about 60 hours this week and next week, my sisters job and mine. It has been fun playing house but I realize that when we are both working so much, we are not going to have much time to spend together even if we live together. Some nights he finished working and came to bed at like 5 in the morning when I was already sleeping for hours. And then I left at 8 am while he remained sleeping.
I got very irritated with my ex. He called me to tell me about his business idea. He decided to quit his job in Europe a year early. The same job that he told me he couldn't quit because he was on contract with them for 3 years and I would have to move there to be with him until his contract was up. Then he tell me that he knows of a place about an hour from where I live where he thinks we can start a camp type wilderness program for teens. An hour from where I live!!!! A year ago I would have begged him on my hands and knees to quit his job and move here!!! Now that I am with someone else and happy, he does everything that I had wanted him to do a year ago. The real kick in the ass was when he told me that if it had felt more right then he would convert. I was wanting him to say that there was some hope of conversion for the entire time we were together and now he says it?!?!?
Anyway, I listened to his idea about the camp and then told him that besides the fact that I would need to see numbers to see if it actually made sense.... How would I explain to my bf that I am going to be spending three weeks every other month alone in the forest with my ex.
The next day I got a message saying "My mom says to just tell him that I am not Jewish". WOAH!!!! Passive agressive much?? Why dont you tell me how your mom really feels??? I was so angry and upset that he would say that to me. Like what a stab for no reason. Just tell him I am not Jewish and then he wont worry about us hanging out... as if he is telling me that I think he is dirt or less then or I view myself as above him. And as if my bf gives a crap about his religion and would want me alone in the woods with any guy, period. It was an ignorant comment and there was no reason to go there and bring up Judaism again. I felt very attacked and was surprised that he went there. These little things that he is doing just helps me realize that i have made the right decision. And that the issue of Judaism would have eventually come up with his family and they would resent me if he ever converted or even if I wanted to raise my children Jewsih.

I also have been having a pretty sad week. I'm not sure if everyone heard the news but last friday in Israel there was a crazy fire. They lost millions of trees and had to evacuate thousands of people. And there was a bus with about 40 students studying to be Generals in the police that were going to help evacuate a prison. The bus caught on fire and my cousin was one of the students that was literally burned alive on the bus. She is the one that i just spent the summer with. She was newly married and planned to have a baby next year. She just wanted to finsih this course and then wanted to start her family. Our hearts are all broken from this loss. We have decided to plant a forest in Israel in her memory. My dad is going to buy the first 180 trees and friends and family will donate to buy the other 820 trees to compleate the forest in her memory. I spoke to her husband. He is broken. She was his universe. He really loved her so much. I watched them interat when I stayed with them this summer and he was crazy about her. After talking to him and crying with him. I realized two things. One is that I need to be as in love as they were with the person I marry and second, I am way too scared to love another person that much because what if they are taken from you or leave. I have been having all kinds of crazy thoughts and bad dreams this week and I hope she is in a better place cause we all miss her terribly.

I am getting ready to go to Florida with my bf. He has a house there and will be staying there for most of the winter. We are driving down so that he can have his car and dogs there and then both our moms are flying down to meet us a few days later. I think the plan is that they will babysit thedogs so that we can get away for a few days on a crusie or something :)
Although I am starting to learn some of his flaws and see that he is not perfect, I really like him and I am happy with him. We have tons of fun together and laugh like crazy. And he sometimes really surprises me with how sweet and romantic he can be! For Hannukah he got me a beautiful black pearl necklace and he is always thinking of me with flowers and chocolates and sweetness. I am a lucky girl.

Update 39

Things with my bf continue to be great! This past week was tons of fun. We introduced our mothers and the four of us spent the day together downtown. We went for lunch and saw a play and the moms really hit it off! I had lunch with his sister and her beautiful baby. A woman at the restaurant asked me if the baby was my niece and I said yes :) hopefully one day she really will be!

Friday night I brought him over to the rabbis house for Shabbat dinner. This was very interesting to say the least. He is Jewish but has issues with the hypocrisy of orthodox Judaism. I made him promise to behave and to keep his thoughts to himself and to just enjoy the meal. He promised he would and dinner was going great.... Until the rabbi leaned over and asked him "so what intrigues you about Judaism?" I jumped in and in what felt like slow motion yelled noooooooooooooooooooo! That was it! The can of worms was opened! And there was nothing I could do about it! He started a huge debate about religion and the laws and rules and the hypocrisy etc. Everyone joined in, the rabbi, his kids and the other guests. I had to go to the other room because I did not want to get involved and try to manage what he was saying like I normally do in past relationships. I let him just say whatever he wanted and knew it was not a reflection of who I was or what I believe. I let him be his own person and own his own thoughts feelings and beliefs. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but for me it was HUGE! Turns out that it was the best shabbat dinner everyone has had in a very long time. The kids loved the debate, the rabbi thought my bf was brilliant and his arguments were fantastic. He was so impressed with how knowledgeable he was about all the rules and laws to even be able to argue them as well as he did. And my bf had a fantastic time getting to argue things that he has been dying to say to a rabbi! So it was a hit! It also meant a lot to me that the rabbi liked my bf and that my bf liked the rabbi!

Saturday we babysat his niece. We took her to the mall then to a toy store. He bought her such cute toys that I picked out ;) It was so much fun playing house together. He loves her so much and I can see that he will be an amazing father one day.

A few people have written some concerns about me talking to my ex. This week we maybe messaged back and forth for a short few minutes and nothing important was really said. I honestly don't think of him. If he messages me I answer but I really couldn't care less if I speak to him. I was asked yesterday by a friend what would happen if me and my bf break up, would I go back with my ex? My honest answer was no. I know that I am able to find happiness with another man and I know that it feels so wonderful to love without a heavy and unsure heart. I know how I feel about Judaism and about my family and I would not compromise that, especially not after all that I have been through this year.

In fact, I am trying to start a group for Jewish women to raise awareness of the importance of having a Jewish home and keeping secular Judaism alive. It is obviously a topic close to my heart.

So to sum up... I am super happy in my relationship. I love his family and they love me. He loves my family and they love him and even our moms like each other! He likes the rabbi and the rabbi likes him! Oh, and I love him and he loves me, lol!

Its his birthday next week.. any ideas of what I should do? I want it to be very special! I already got him an iPad but I want to do something nice the day of.... :)

Update 38

The Ultimate test:

Last Thursday I was sitting at my bubby's (mom's mom) dinner table next to my boyfriend when my blackberry made an email noise. I looked at my phone and saw that I had just received an email from my ex. I felt a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I tried to discreetly read the email. He thanked me for respecting his space and giving him the time he needed and asked for. He told me that he missed me and would like to catch up. He also told me that he had heard that I had been dating someone for a few months and wanted to know all about it.

My boyfriend looked over at me and asked if everything was okay. I said yes and closed my phone. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to think or feel. Was I being tested? Was my new relationship being tested? Why now? Why would he email me now, after I finally found some happiness and found a way to move on? After dinner I went over to my best friends house to talk to her about what I should do. Should I email him back and catch up and risk getting emotionally involved again and missing him and bringing up old feelings? Should I delete and ignore the email? I really wasn't sure what the right decision was so I decided to do nothing and give it a few days. I had been waiting so long for this email and now that I got it I didn't know how to feel about it. I worried that he only wrote because he heard that I had moved on and wanted to sabatoge it or something. I had so many fears and worries about what the right thing to do was. I called up my boyfriend and told him that I got this email and I told him the truth about how I was feeling and about my concerns and that I didn't know what to do. He listened and told me that he trusts me and trusts that I will make a good decision and that he doesn't think this would bother him or come between us. I thanked him for being so understanding.

The next night I stayed over at his house and started to compare him to my ex. I started to create arguments and find things that made me mad. After he fell asleep I called my best friend and told her that I was freaking out and I was starting to sabotage. After talking to her and realizing what I was doing I crawled back into bed, into his arms and squeezed him tight. I decided to keep moving forward with him and not to let my past and thoughts and ex ruin an amazing relationship. I put the email out of my head. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and we had a great time! We spent the day downtown and then had dinner with my parents and sister and brother in law, saw friends, and even took his niece trick or treating! Then Sunday when I got home, I went online and my ex messaged me. I was hesitant but I wrote back. We started chatting and then ended up speaking on skype. It turned out to be a great conversation. He was in a good place where he was really able to hear all about me and my new bf. He told me what he had been up to the last almost year and the convo went surprisingly well. I didn't feel anything I was worried I might feel. It felt like an old friend catching up. I didn't feel like I wanted to see him or that I missed him or that I had made the wrong choice. It felt just perfect the way it went. Before we hung up I made one boundary clear... I said that we could try to be friends as long as I didn't start trying to get things from him that I was supposed to be getting from my bf (eg. attention or compliments etc). I wanted him to act as a friend and not take on a boyfriend role in my life. And that was it ; my one rule of our friendship.

I spoke to my bf about all of it and remained completely honest with him. I told him about my rule and he said that it seems more then fair. He promised to let me know if it ever bothered him and I made sure he knew that his feelings were at the top of my priority list.

This is just one more thing that makes me feel so grateful for him and how amazing and rational and understanding he is. I am a lucky girl!!!

And if that was a test.. I believe I passed with flying colors!!!

I am completely confident that I made the right choice and I am even more in love with my bf after this experience.

Update 37

Wow, I can't believe its been over a month since I have been on my blog to update.

Things are still going great! We have been together just over two months now. We are still learning about each other and getting to know each other better. So far its been a fun process. We have both become quite close with each others families. He came on a road trip with me and my sister and her husband and we all had the most amazing time! He totally clicked with my brother-in-law, which is a dream come true because I am so close with my sister and its nice that all four of us can hang out and have fun together. This weekend he is away and I have already hung out with his mom and sister and have plans to meet his sister again tonight for coffee. His family is so much like mine! They are warm and loving and sarcastic and hilarious! They are really kind to me and make me feel like part of their family. We have already taken each other to a few family functions in such a short time. He met my whole extended family for the breaking of the fast, came to a family friends bat-mitzvah, met the rabbi and his wife, and came to my good friends engagement party. I have been to his niece's first birthday party (bought her the most adorable juicy sweat suit), to his dad's wife's birthday party, shabbat dinner at his house, and met all his friends from the village in central america.

We have gone to the symphony twice and so many movies and bubble tea and dinners and we just have a great time together.

I am struggling a bit with the amount of time he works in a day. He does make tons of time for me but will then stay up til 5 am doing work on some days and be exhausted the next day. He is very ambitious and has a few different business going on at once as well as being a lawyer. I am trying to be super supportive and not needy but its sometimes hard for me. I find that instead of being upset if he is too busy, it is way healthier for me to just fill up my schedule with more clients and friends and just to try to keep busy. That way I am focusing on myself and not on what he is up to.

we have a few more travel plans in the works for the winter and I am excited to go away with him.

I still continue to feel truly blessed that we found each other. I try to focus on all the amazing positives and not on the one or two negatives, which is a big change for me! We don't fight and he is always willing to hear how I feel. He has been so wonderful to me so far and I just hope it keeps going this great!!

The rabbi has asked me to share my story to a group of religious people from a Jewish organization. He thinks its an amazing story about faith and how G-d works in mysterious ways. I have agreed to do it.

I will let you know how it goes :)

Sorry for not updating sooner... Been on cloud 9 :)

Update 36

Its been just over a month and things are going amazing!!

Two days after he left to Central America, he called me to tell me that 2 weeks without me is too long. He already misses me and wants to share his favorite little village with me. Then he sent me a plane ticket to join him (and booked me all window seats :) . I felt crazy accepting it but decided to go with my gut which was JUST GO AND ENJOY LIFE FOR ONCE! He fell in love with this small village a few years ago and got a place there. He goes a few times a year and knows the whole village. When I arrived there, everyone was so excited to meet me. He had 500 flowers waiting for me in his place! We had the best week! We went into the village (its a very poor village filled with the most amazing and happiest people I have ever met)and gave out children's toys and clothes and candy that I brought. He is the most generous man I have ever met! It was just such a humbling experience for me. These children were sooo happy to receive a piece of candy or small teddy bear. It was like we made their year! It really made me appreciate everything I have and made me so grateful that I was so privileged. He also met a man with 6 children who lost his house in a mudslide, so he moved them all into the lower level of his place. They were the most wonderful family in the world. The sweetest and most respectful children I have ever met in my life. I fell in love with the family. While he worked during the day, I played with the kids and took them into the village for ice cream and treats. They were so cute! I didn't want to leave them :( Then we found a lost kitten so he left milk out for it and it snuck into our house and would not leave my side. It slept with me every night and followed me around all day. I am really not such a cat person but this kitten was adorable!!! We named her and bought her food and arranged for all her shots and asked the kids to take good care of her for us when we left. Also I went for a full week not caring about bugs or being dirty or not having my hair done. It was a nice change. I felt relaxed and happy there with him. We spent Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) there. He knew I was sad about not being home with my family so he made it so special for me! He made me matzo ball soup and got me apples and honey and had a beautiful dinner made for us. I brought a kiddish cup and prayer books from home and we had a wonderful New Years dinner together. It was really special to me that I cared so much about making the holiday perfect for me. He honestly treated me like a princess for the entire week. I didn't have to lift a finger. I was also really good to him. I didn't take advantage of him for one second. I was grateful and appreciative of everything he was doing. I feel very lucky.

I was a bit worried that maybe we wouldn't get along or we would find stuff out about each other that was annoying or irritating but none of that happened! The week could not have been any more perfect! I am so happy!!!

I will try to update once in a while... not every detail but some stuff :)

I can't thank everyone enough for the love and support and nice emails etc. You guys are all amazing and I am grateful for every person that has been following and supporting me through this!!!

My Forty Sixth Date

He found me on jdate 3 months ago before I stopped going online. We exchanged bbm’s. He lives half the year in one state but his family lives here and so does he for the other half. We spoke a few times but it never worked out to meet. When he was in town I was busy or I was out of town and it just never worked out. After I got back from Israel he messaged me and told me that he was back in town for the next 4 months and would love to finally meet me. We made plans for Friday night but he ended up asking if we could change it to Saturday. I was fine with that because the rabbi had asked me to come over anyways (that’s the night I was over til 2 am and cried my eyes out). So the next night I met him. I had promised the rabbi to go with a good attitude and not to dismiss him for shallow things, like I had been doing on every date.

He was not as tall as I usually like and he was balding; both things that would have not gotten him a second date in the past. But I didn’t pay any attention to it. He took me out for a beautiful dinner and salsa dancing. He was not a great dancer but he couldn’t have cared less! He had so much confidence! He was a gentleman. He opened doors and arranged the whole evening. We had great conversation and time was just flying by. After dinner he told me that he needed to walk his dogs and asked if I wanted to join. I didn’t want the night to end so I went with him and his 2 dogs for a walk. He didn’t try anything. He was respectful and kind and gentle. All qualities I have been saying I want (like my ex was) and yet going out with the opposite of that. As soon as I left I got a bbm message saying “You looked absolutely beautiful tonight”. It was so sweet and simple and I finally was in a place where I was able to hear that form someone without dismissing him as a desperate nerd. He asked me to let him know when I got home safe and I couldn’t wait to get home to call him. His first question was “when am I taking you out again”. He was so assertive and confident and I just really liked him. I told him that since it was my sister’s wedding the following weekend, I was going to be very busy and that my only free day was Monday. He said perfect, I will make a reservation at a cool place right away. I was so not used to someone that was taking charge and making all the plans and wanting to make me so happy. We went out Monday and had an even more incredible time. We went to a really cool place and held hands for 3 hours. I felt like a teenager, getting excited about holding hands. Our chemistry was insane! We kissed that night at the table and it was a perfect first kiss. Wednesday night some cousins came in from out of town for the wedding and I invited him out with us. I saw him again Thursday and again on Friday. Sunday was my sister’s wedding. I debated inviting him but decided against it. It was too soon and I wanted to take it slow. I didn’t want to attract any evil eye to jinx this. And I didn’t want all the crazy old people to ask him when we are next after only knowing each other for a week. He came over while we were taking the pictures and took my dog for the entire day cause he didn’t want me to have to worry about her while I was so busy. HOW NICE IS THAT?!?!? He kept looking at me like he had never seen a more beautiful girl in his life. I felt so amazing! He then picked me up from the wedding and drove me home. He came in for a bit and we just lay in bed together kissing and cuddling. We kiss great together. I saw him again on Monday and today he left for a trip for two weeks. He told me he has never felt like this before and that he wants me to come with. I told him he was crazy and that it was too soon, even though I sooo wanted to go with him. He told me that he was going to miss me like crazy even though we just met. He left and I miss him. It sounds crazy but I miss him. I really do. Keeping my fingers crossed for this one. I have a really great feeling about him. He treats me how every woman should be treated and it is nice not to have a heavy heart for once. I told him all about my story with my ex and how the night before I spoke to the rabbi and had we gone out Friday instead of Saturday it would have been our first and last date. He kissed me and told me that he believes that everything happens for a reason. And he asked if he could send the rabbi flowers to thank him, lol.

The scariest part is that the night before I met him, I prayed for a Jewish version of my ex and he treats me even better (so far) and has the same ideas about a relationship. The most insane part is that I asked him his Hebrew name and I almost burst into tears when he told me.... it’s the same name as my ex. Quite literally the Jewish version of my ex, just like I asked for.

Just when I was about to give up on G-d and Judaism and this experiment, G-d threw me a curve ball :)

Update 35

Friday night I went to the rabbis house. He asked me how things were going and I told him that I had just gone on date 45 and it didn't work out. I told him I had 5 more to go and then I could go and try to talk with my ex, if he would even talk to me. I told him that it made sense in my head and I had decided from the beginning that if 50 dates didn't work out then that meant G-d wanted me to be with my ex. I told him that I was still unsure if I could be okay with marrying a non jew but that I couldn't live like this anymore. I told him that after the next 5 I will have to make a decision and I am leaning towards just trying to make it work with him and just finding a way to be okay with the fact that we may not have such a Jewish home or my kids may not identify as strongly with Judaism. I told him I was not there yet but after the next 5 I would force myself to get there.

The truth is that since I spoke to my ex a month ago on my birthday I have been insane and obsessed with what to do. Just that one hour conversation put me back 10 months. I have been an absolute wreck. He is all I talk about to everyone and anyone that will listen. All I think about is what I should do about us. I feel like an obsessed crack addict searching for a hit. I felt like i was beginning to be okay and then talking to him was like a relapse that put me back to where I was when he left. I have been driving myself crazy going back and forth in my head about what to do. SOme days I know for sure that I want to be with him and will do whatever it takes and then the next day it is so clear to me that it can never work.

There was a woman at the rabbis house who was visiting them from Israel. Her and her 17 year old daughter started talking with me and the rabbi and his wife after the meal. She told me a bit about herself. She was originally from my city and she was secular. When she got married her and her husband decided to be more religious and they moved to Israel to raise their family. I told her about my ex and my situation and that I missed him and wanted so badly to be with him and make it work.

We all talked til almost 2 in the morning. We talked about the fact that I have not been giving a lot of the last few guys a fair chance because my ex is in my head again and that I can't do the last 5 with that attitude or its not a fair challenge. She mentioned that perhaps I met my ex to show me that there are amazing guys like him out there. And that I can and do deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I don't know exactly what else was said but I remember her daughter (very smart young woman) asking me one question. Do you think G-d wants you to marry a non Jew? Without hesitation I answered no. I tried to back track and then explain myself by saying that he wants me to be happy and my ex can make me happy etc. but I heard my own initial answer and it was no. Whether or not that is true (I dont know G-d's will) it is what I feel is true. I left his house and cried the entire way home vowing never to go back.

I felt like a crazy person. I just wanted the noise in my head to stop. I felt like my own thoughts were torturing me and holding me hostage. I was so frustrated. The more I tried not to think the harder and more obsessively I was thinking. I couldn't stop crying I had lost complete control of my own mind and thoughts and I considered driving myself to the mental hospital at 2 in the morning. I honestly couldn't take it anymore. I was mad at the rabbi for inviting me to his house and having me talk to those people, I was mad at my mom (obviously, I always am on this topic) and I was mad at the people in my life who push for love and tell me to go be with him. I wanted everyone to shut up and leave me the F alone. I got home and my mom was still awake and she could see that i had been crying. I told her that I was going crazy. I explained to her that every day, even every hour I change my mind. Not just a little, I change it to "I am 100% sure I am going to be with him" and then an hour later "I am 100% sure I can't be with him". I cried until 6 am and made a decision to stop getting advice from anyone about this. It is a matter of my heart fighting with my head and no one could understand the battle but me. I feel very sad but I needed to hear my own self say out loud that I do not feel right marrying a non Jew.

So I am back to being in the worst possible place in my mind. Unsure. Confused. Frustrated and Angry at myself for being a coward.

That night I lay in bed and prayed for a Jewish version of my ex, just like that lady said.

My Forty Fifth Date

I caved and went back on jdate. He messaged me and added me to bbm. He seemed nice and his pictures were okay, nothing special. I met him in his area on Wednesday night, my only really free night during the week. We went out for coffee. I was getting so sick of these awkward coffee dates in the middle of the week. I forgot to put on heels which ended up being a very good thing because he was my height. He was very sweet but a bit awkward. It seemed like he was going through some sort of question check list with me. Almost like he had been coached about what to say and ask me. I had just come from a client and was very excited about the progress my client had made so I talked alot about what I do for a living. He told me in 2 brief sentences what he did. He does very well financially but his job sounds super boring. Even he agreed with that, lol. I spent a lot of time wishing I could like him. In theory he is a great guy I just felt nothing. I felt like I had become completely incapable of liking anyone. After the coffee shop closed he asked me if I would walk with him so I did. There was nothing particularly wrong with him I just so wasn't feeling it. I didn't really want to be there and the more I tried to force myself the worse it got. I finally told him that I needed to go cause it was getting late. He walked me back to my car, told me he had a great time and asked if we could do it again next week. I told him that this week is the week before my sisters wedding and I am going to be very busy with last minute things and out of town guests and told him that perhaps after the wedding I would be more available. He gave me an awkward hug and I left. He bbm'd me right away. I guess in theory thats sweet unless you don't like the person and then its a bit annoying. The next day he messaged me again saying that his friday night plans got canceled and wondered if I was free. I told him that Friday was no good cause I have shabbat dinner and then I am going to the rabbis house. A few days later he emailed me saying that he is sure that I must have noticed that his bbm isn't working (I had no clue cause I had not tried to message him) and that he would like to have my phone number so we could go out again. I wrote him back a very nice email telling him that I did not feel a romantic connection and that I wish him the best of luck cause he is a really great guy. It was not fair to him that I was just brushing him off, I needed to be clear with him so I was.

Update 34

When I got home, I started my guy detox. I made it so that I had no one to come home to. I deleted all the guys that I flirted with and could fool around with. No one picked me up from the airport, no one missed me and there was no one I missed and wanted to run home to. I was single. Totally single. I don't have a guy to go see a movie with to go to dinner with, to hang out with or someone I could even ask to be my date to my sister's wedding. I have never been this single. And I think I am actually okay.

In terms of Judaism.... I have been introduced to a few more rabbis and some people here that are supposed to help answer my questions and help me grow spiritually and religiously. I have made it clear to everyone that I am interested in becoming more spiritual but I am not yet comfortable with having religion rammed down my throat. I have been feeling very sad and empty for the last 2 months without my ex. There is a part of me that wants to screw this whole experiment, screw my parents and even Judaism and take the next flight to Europe. The other part of me is saying that if you are not with him because of Judaism then perhaps you should explore Judaism more and become more connected to the religion that I am choosing over the love of my life. Then I had a third idea. Why can't I become more connected to Judaism and then be with him and I wont have that fear that I will lose my Judaism if I am with him. If its strong enough then I wont lose it just because my partner is not Jewish.

I have been getting a million different opinions to this dilemma. I thought Israel would clear up all my doubts and give me clarity but I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life.

Since Israel I have stopped eating milk with meat. I barely used to eat it together until I started dating my ex over 2 years ago. I figure that its a small thing that I can do to show myself that I don't have to lose Judaism just because of the person I am with. And also it is my responsibility to keep myself connected. I can't blame the person I am with for me losing touch with my religion and culture etc. I have also explored the idea of trying to keep more of the customs and perhaps in the future I would want to keep the sabbath.

The most interesting opinion I got was that of my therapist. I did not see him for a month while I was away and then when I saw him this week we talked about my ex and about Judaism. The first thing he mentioned was the fact that I truly believed that the survival of the entire Jewish nation was on my shoulders. This could not be more me! I am a martyr for everything! I can't live for myself and my happiness. I need to make sure my parents and even grandparents are okay with everything I do. I hate to disappoint and let them down. And now I feel like I can't let down an entire nation of people!!! When he said it out loud, I could actually hear how ridiculous it sounded! I have to martyr being with the love of my life (who I have not been able to get over in almost a year and 44 men have not even come close to how great he is) just for the sake of Judaism and my unborn grandchildren.

The next thing he pointed out was the way I explain Judaism. I explain that I love it for its spirituality and family aspect. I love the unconditional love I feel from it and the way I can keep growing with it. I love how it makes me feel complete and connected to something.

Then I explained how my ex makes me feel. I ended up using the same words and adjectives to describe our relationship. It was such a crazy epiphany. The way I feel about my religion is the way I feel about him and the wonderful things that Judaism does for me and with me, so does he! He is the most spiritual person I know, more spiritual than some rabbis and religious people and he allows me to be myself without judgement and to grow and to be a better person.

So I was a bit amazed that the two represent the same things to me and that my life could be AMAZING if there was a way to have both.

Man, do I have some serious thinking to do... I have started to get mini anxiety attacks when I think about him and hopefully that is my body telling me that I need to make a decision soon cause I can't take the back and forth for very much longer.

A Jew Wish

I don't normally do this but Rachel asked me to post this in case I have any readers living in New York. It sounds like a very funny show and I wish I was in New York so that I could see it! If you end up there, let me know how it was! It sounds like it would be a perfect show for me, lol!

JEW WISH

The Comical Adventures of a single Jewish female on the worldwide web of dating

A one-woman show written and performed by Rachel Evans

Directed by Rachel Eckerling

Part of the NY International Fringe Festival

THE PLAYERS THEATRE

115 Macdougal Street (Between West 3rd and Bleecker)

Showtimes:
SAT 8/14 - 10:00 PM
SUN 8/15- 6:15 PM
MON 8/16- 10:00 PM
TUE 8/17 - 4:15 PM
FRI 8/20 - 4:45 PM

Tickets: $15/Advance, $18/Door

Tickets on sale at:
http://www.fringenyc.org/basic_page.php?ltr=J#JewWis

or 866-468-7619

www.jewwishtheshow.com

My Forty Forth Date

One of my parents friends asked if she could give my phone number to her other friend’s son. She said they were a nice family that came to America from Israel just 7 years ago. She said he was 30, tall and handsome and had his own business and a heavy Israeli accent. The accent is not my favourite thing in the world but I figured all the rest sounded great. He called me and there was a bit of a language barrier but he seemed charming and nice. He picked me up after Shabbat dinner from my house. I usually never let people pick me up from my house but he wasn’t from jdate, our family friend actually knew him. We went to a dessert place and he got coffee and I got tea. We talked about our jobs and our families. Then I asked him how he felt about Judaism. He actually laughed out loud. He said, I am Jewish and that’s it. He identifies as Jewish but doesn’t do anything to be a part of Judaism. He doesn’t really celebrate the holidays and he is not spiritual at all. I was so disappointed. He is Israeli and has no tie to Judaism other then being born a Jew. I asked if he would ever consider being “more” Jewish after he had kids and he said no. He was more opposed to being Jewish then my non Jewish ex. I was so frustrated! He kept trying to touch me and I really didn’t want him to. I recognized that my arms were crossed for most of the date and I was not open to him at all. I didn’t like how opinionated he was and how against my beliefs he was... It was almost like he mocked some of the Jewish things I do. I didn’t like him. There was nothing specifically wrong with him. No good reason that I wouldn’t see him again but I just didn’t want to. I hoped that he wouldn’t call but he did. I didn’t answer because I was out and I think he got the signal. Israelis have too much pride to call again if they think they will be rejected. So he just never called back and I am left to figure out why I just don’t like him. I feel kind of bad since his parents know my family friends but I am sure I will get over feeling bad soon!

My Forty Three . 5 th Date

On my plane ride home from Israel I sat down next to an Israeli guy who looked about 35. He had the window seat and I had the aisle seat. He didn’t say much but he asked if he could switch because he prefers the aisle. He was not polite and quite cold. Although I prefer the window, I almost didn’t want to switch just because of how he asked. I ended up saying yes and switched with him. The flight was at 1 am, so I curled up into a ball, put my pillow on the window and passed out for almost the entire flight. I woke up when there was about an hour and half left of the flight. And we started talking. He was actually one of the nicest people ever and I totally misread him as an asshole. He told me about his past and why he was coming to my city for only 4 days. He told me that he was married and had a baby. He told me so much in such a short time. I told him alot about myself and I told him about my ex and how I had come to Israel to get an answer and was leaving without one. He told me that he was only going to be in my city for 4 days for work and that he does not know anyone. I told him that there were a few things that he should see if he got any time off. He asked me if I had anytime to show him. I told him that I was off Wednesday night and we exchanged numbers and emails.

In my mind this was not a date. He was a married man and I did not even find him attractive. The way my family is we are always hosting people from Israel even if we don’t know them. Sometimes we will just get a call saying that “my cousins friend’s brother is in town can you please host him for a week” and we will. So that was my mentality in this case. He called me on Wednesday and I picked him up at his hotel and we grabbed dinner and I showed him a bit of the city.

He kept asking me really deep questions like if these were your only two options in the world which would you choose, and questions about my morals etc. I had fun answering them. Then he asked me why I wasn’t asking any of them back to him. I explained to him that I analyze people all day in my job and that it is nice to separate work from my social life and that I don’t like to “try to figure everyone out”. I just want to enjoy my dinner. I also told him that if there is something he wants to share then I don’t need tricky questions to get it out of him, I was sure that he would just share whatever he felt comfortable sharing. About an hour later he told me EVERYTHING. He told me about some shaddy business deal that he was involved in a few years back that he can’t forgive himself for being that greedy that he lost his morals. He told me about the death of his mother and how hard it has been for him and he even cried. A big tough Israeli guy was disclosing all his secrets and crying. It was kind of strange to me but he obviously needed someone to talk to. I guess he felt comfortable enough to share that with me.

At the end of the night I dropped him off at his hotel and he asked “what is your final thought of the night?” I said that I didn’t have one and I was too tired to thing of something whitty to say. He seemed insulted. “You don’t have any thought after spending the evening with me?” I said no and then I asked him the same question. He said that its better if he doesn’t tell me. I told him that it was obvious that he asked me that question because he wanted to tell me his answer and that I was not going to play this game with him. I told him to either tell me or not but I wasn’t going to ask him again. He said that he had a great evening and finds me extremely attractive and that being that comfortable with a woman to share what he shared is a huge weakness for him. I just smiled and said “well, its a good thing we are both moral people because you are a married man. He smiled back and got out of the car.

The reason I labelled this date as 43.5 is because it was not an actual date but it turned out to kind of be one. I also learned that because in my mind it wasn’t a date I was so relaxed and fun to be around. I wasn’t worried what he was thinking of me at all. I also allowed myself to be totally non judgemental because I was not judging him asa potential mate or husband or father so I actually had a conversation with him and got to know him. Had this been a real date I would have asked different questions to find out if he would be a good mate instead of just enjoying his company and getting to know him as a person. So I will take that lesson to future dates. I had no real interest in him but I would have written him off after the first half hour and never allowed myself to have a good time had I been judging him as a potential mate. So I am glad that I got to enjoy myself on the non date-date and learn something new about the way I have been going on dates. I need to chill J

My Forty Third Date

I have been avoiding posting this one...

I was at a club in Israel and this guy who I know from back home and haven't seen in 5 years walks up to me. From what I know of him he is a great guy. We have a few friends in common and we used to hang out when we were younger. I always thought he was very good looking and funny etc. He gives me a big hug and says how great it is to bump into someone he knows. He is Israeli background and most of his family lives in Israel and the rest live in the states. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said no so he started dancing with me. I could tell that he was already drunk. At the end of the night he took my phone number and kissed me. He asked if I wanted to spend the night with him and I politely declined. He asked if I was free the next day to hang out on the beach and I said I was. I left with my friends and he texted me right away. He said that it was so nice to see me and that he wishes I could have stayed longer and blah blah blah. My best friends boyfriend told me that he knows him well and that he has a great family and he is a great guy and that I should go hang out with him the next day. So I did.

I got dropped off outside his hotel which was right on the beach. As my luck would have it as he came to greet me outside the hotel one of Date number 42's very good friends was walking by and stopped to say hello. It was quite awkward.

We went down to the beach, went to a restaurant and had a late lunch. He seemed sweet and attentive. We held hands, had good conversation and things were going okay. The we decided to go into the water for a bit. After we got out he started to tell me that he would love to live here. He loves being by the water and he feels good while he is here but wouldn't want to leave his family back home. He asked me if I was going to stay in Tel Aviv (thats where his hotel was) and come to a club with him later on. I said that I wasn't sure because I had to be up early the next day etc. We went back to his hotel after the beach (mistake number one). He said that I could use the shower to rinse off all the sand so I did (mistake number 2). I didn't lock the door (mistake number 3) and as I was showering, he walks right in and hops into the shower. I actually felt really uncomfortable. He made it seem like I wanted him in there because I didn't lock the door. He started to kiss me and I felt so uncomfortable that I asked him to leave the shower and let me finish washing up. When I got out of the shower, he went in to finish washing up and I quickly got dressed in the room. I didn't want him to assume I wanted anything by being naked when he got out of the shower. The room was tiny and the only place to sit was on the bed (mistake number 4). When he got out of the shower, he did not get dressed. He only had a towel on and he climbed into bed. He told me to relax (I hate that word more then any word in the english language) and to come cuddle (mistake number 5). He mentioned to me that he would have to leave for half hour to meet his parents but that I could hang out in his room and when he got back we would go for dinner and then maybe out to a club if I was staying in the area. I said that was no problem and that I would wait the half hour (mistake number 6). We started kissing and he kept trying to sleep with me. At least I learned my lesson from date 42 not to do that again. So I decided to do the least slutty thing I could think of that would satisfy him enough to stop trying to sleep with me. Thats right I brought back the HJ! Please don't misunderstand... I wanted to be there. I was attracted to him, I have known him for years and liked kissing him and being intimate with him. So this was in no way forced, I just had no intentions of having sex with him and every once in a while there is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned HJ :) (mistake number 7).

The second, maybe millisecond that he was done, he cleaned up, hoped out of bed, put clothes on, grabbed his key and cell phone and as he was opening the door said bye, see you in half hour. And he just left me there, sitting in the bed, shocked by the fact that someone would actually just do that. Maybe its the norm but I have never been in that situation before. I am very careful about being slutty and putting myself in situations like that when I am at home so in 27 years that has never happened to me. I normally only fool around with someone that I care about and that at least somewhat cares back about me so I have never felt that disgusting empty feeling of being left in bed like a prostitute. I thanked G-d that I hadn't been stupid enough to sleep with him. I felt terrible and I could only imagine how much worse I would have felt had I slept with him. I imagined how it must feel for a 17 year old girl with low self esteem to sleep with a guy and think that he is really into you and then he just gets up and walks out. For some reason I stayed there. Partly because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My family lived in another city and they were at work and could only get me in a few hours. I didn't know what to do. I was embarrassed and felt gross. It gets worse. After 10 minutes I get a call from him. I am coming back to the hotel to change because my parents are begging me to come out for dinner with them and 10 other people in my family. I am so sorry but I can't get out of this dinner. He knew that I didn't have anywhere to go because I told him when my cousins could come get me. I said no problem and hung up. I gathered up my things and called the guy that I had bumped into earlier in the day (date number 42's friend) and asked him what he was up to and if he wanted to grab dinner. He said he was going out with some friends and that he would love for me to come along too. As I was walking out of the hotel, he was walking back in to change. He kissed me on the forehead and apologized again and said that as soon as he was done he would call me to meet back up. I fake smiled, said nothing and walked out.

I obviously did not hear from him later that night or ever again.

I really don't know how some girls do it. Being intimate with no attachments. This is not a judgement, I seriously wish I could do it. The idea seems fun but I the two times I did it in Israel, I got hurt and didn't feel good at all. I think I will just stick to what I am comfortable with which is not going too far with a guy that I am not sure actually likes me and cares about me. Its just too painful for me and I don't want to be in a position where I feel like that again.

From this experience I went through my bbm list and deleted every guy from home that is "toxic". Guys that don't actually care but want to fool around with me. Or guys that I message when I feel lonely but there is no potential of us actually being together. On that list was crazy guy and the accountant.

Update 33

The second week of my trip was MUCH better. I realized that I had been PMSing the first week and after that ended I was much more tolerant and pleasant. I put myself out there and made more friends. A bunch of people actually said that until they got to know me they thought I was the biggest bitch and now they think I am the nicest person. We went to a bunch of lectures and one that really hit home was about intermarriage. There was some crazy statistic that about 50% of Jewish people in my generation are marrying non Jews and that the chances of those couples having Jewish grandchildren were very slim. I ended up speaking with the lecturer for almost an hour after the presentation and I almost missed the bus. I shared my story with him and he thought that it was very courageous of me to come to Israel to get more connected to my Jewish roots and to figure out “why” I need to marry a Jewish person. We exchanged emails and we are still in touch almost 3 weeks later. The next important part of my trip was in Jerusalem at the Western wall... My wall. I wrote a prayer on a piece of paper and went to the wall to put it in. I touched the wall and said a prayer and I cried a bit. I was expecting myself to have more feeling when I was standing there but I only cried a bit. I tried to stand there longer and to talk to G-d and to ask him questions and to feel an answer but I didn’t. I finally backed away from the wall feeling let down and disappointed. It is customary to face the wall and walk backwards so that you are not turning your back on the wall so I did that. As I got farther away from the wall I could see the entire wall and tons of Jewish people standing there praying and dancing and singing and crying. I watched MY people at that wall. They had come from Israel and from all over the world just to stand there, the holiest place in the world, and talk to G-d. And that’s when I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t just cry, I bawled my eyes out for almost half an hour. For the last 2000 years Jews married Jews who had Jewish children who then married Jews and had more Jewish children just so that I could be born Jewish, just so that we could have a Jewish state and the opportunity to keep our faith alive for another 2000 years to come. I looked at my wall and at my people and I had this overwhelming feeling that I could not dare break the chain. If I make an exception and then my children make exceptions then the Jewish religion through my liniage dies at my wedding. I had this feeling that the fate of the Jewish religion sat on my shoulders. I felt an incredible sense of guilt and shame for considering to end Judaism at my wedding. And still I missed my ex. The ironic thing was that I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted there with me to experience this spiritual awakening. I felt like if anyone could understand it, it would be him.

A week later it was my birthday. I waited the whole day wondering if he would remember or email me or message me. Then I went into my room and saw that I had a chat message from him wishing me a happy birthday. He was still online so I messaged him back. We ended up chatting for quite a while. It was the first time in 7 months that I had a conversation with him. I told him that I was in Israel and that I was looking for some more spirituality. He asked me if there was any chance I was flying through Europe (where he lives)on my way home. I told him “you have no idea how much I wish I was”. He told me he missed talking to me. I told him I missed everything. We ended the conversation with saying that it was a nice chat and hope to do it again sometime. I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake the whole night. I was excited and confused. On one hand I knew that I still felt that I couldn’t be with him and on the other hand there was no one else in the entire world that I would rather be with. It felt like we both had the same feelings. We both loved and missed each other even though we had not spoken in 7 months. I debated booking a flight to go see him. I fantasized about what it would be like to knock on his door and be in his arms. I wanted to share with him how I felt at the wall and I wanted us to come up with a solution where we could be together. The next evening I saw him online and messaged him hello. I’m not sure what I was going to say I just really had so much to share with him and so many questions etc. He wrote me back an email saying that he is still trying to grow and that involves not being back in touch with me. He said sorry and then ended with “I would appreciate no reply to this email”. And just like that he was gone again. I cried. A lot. Perhaps once again G-d had to intervene and do for me what I was not strong enough to do for myself. I was so upset and confused. I needed to break my tie with him.

The next night I called up the 24 year old (date 42). We went out with friends and I ended up spending the night. I went with the intention to sleep with him. It has been 9 months since I have had sex and the last person was my ex. I figured this guy was a safe person to sleep with. He was not from my state, we knew none of the same people and he was not really a potential to be with after we left Israel. And so I did. He was very passionate and gentle. We spent the next day together on the beach and then thats the last time I saw him. I don’t regret it but I felt as if I had in some way betrayed or cheated on my ex. It was a very strange feeling.

A few days later I went to get a blessing from the wife of one of the biggest rabbi’s in Israel. Normally I would never do something like this but my rabbi at home strongly suggested it and went through hoops to find someone who would meet me there and try to get me in. I decided to trust my rabbi and go. There was a line up outside her door. People coming from all over to get a blessing. There was a man at the door sending people away. He said that the rabbi was in the hospital and that his wife was not feeling up to seeing people today. For some reason I had a feeling she would see me. The man that I was with whispered something into the guys ear. He went inside and came back outside and said that she had agreed to meet with me. I went in and I told her my story. It was a bit hard because she didn’t speak any English and my Hebrew is limited. She gave me her blessing for health and happiness and a Jewish home. It was a very interesting experience to be in her home and to hear her speak to me and bless me. I am not sure what to think of it, and not sure how much I believe in it but I am glad that I went. I hope her blessing comes true for me.

If I had a magic wand, I would have my ex and a Jewish home. But I don't.

My Forty Second Date

This is the one that I met at the club. We started dancing together and he told me that he was my age. I ended up getting very drunk and we kissed on the dance floor. He took my number and I figured I would never hear from him again. The next day he called. We figured out that both our trips would be in the same city in a few more days so we made plans to meet up again. Because of what happened with number 41 I had to sneak away from my group to meet him. I met him and his group and we had a great night! I ended up hanging out more with some of his friends from the group then I did with him. He admitted to me that he was not my age. In fact, he was more then 3 years younger then me! I felt like a cougar :) Surprisingly enough, his age didn't really bother me. I thought he was cute and he was obviously mature enough to keep my attention. I had never dated anyone that was younger then me. My ex was the youngest person I have ever dated and he was 4 months older then me. After that we spoke almost every day and made plans to meet up in Israel after both our organized trips were over. And we did! We hung out a few times together and I was really starting to like him. Even though he lived in another state, was still a student, was not very tall and still lived at home, I liked him. He was very passionate and attentive and made me feel desired and cared about. Since my ex, he was the best kiss I have had in 9 months. We had insane chemistry and were very attracted to each other. For the first time in a long time I really wanted to be touched and kissed and hugged... I will have to fill you in with what happened with us in my next update.....

My Forty First Date

This date lasted almost 2 weeks...

This guy was one of the very few attractive guys on my trip and the only one of them that was older than me. We hung out together the second night and had a heart to heart about dating. We talked about our past relationships and about sex etc. He told me that he dates models. I told him about my ex and that I have not really been able to move on since him and that I have not slept with anyone since him. This challenge obviously intrigued him cause the next day we both got drunk and he took me and a few other people for dinner. Our first kiss was in the bathroom... soooo romantic! He is the "high roller" type. He paid for the entire table's dinner and drinks. He fits the spoiled rich kid mold to a tee. That night we watched a movie together in his room until his room mates got back. He said he needed to get something so he left the room and came back with another room key. He had gone downstairs to get us our own room. I was so angry at him. I asked him what he thought was going to happen in there??? He promised me that we would just finish the movie and then I could go back to my room. We finished watching and kissed and fooled around a tiny bit. Then he walked me back to my room. We didn't hang out at all the next day but at night we drank again at dinner and he kissed me again. Then after dinner we went to a club and met up with other trips from all over the states. I started dancing with a guy from another trip (he will be number 42) and he came up and kissed me while I was dancing with him. I pushed him off because it was so rude of him. It was like he was claiming his property or something. The entire next day he was so rude to me and would not talk to me. Then in front of a bunch of people he called me a slut and I snapped. I may be a lot of things but a slut is not one of them! the next day we sat down and talked and it eventually came out that he was hurt and embarrassed that I went with the other guy. I explained that I had no idea he would even care since we just met and kissed and both made it clear we were not looking for anything serious but I apologized for hurting his feelings.He also said sorry for calling me a slut and embarrassing me in front of the people. We spent the rest of the trip just hanging out, usually at night and kissing. By the end of the trip most people knew there was something going on so we were more public about it. The best day was when we went zip-lining together. We kissed in mid air across the entire zip line! it was such a romantic rush!!! Although we had a great two weeks together it is difficult to say who is a bigger princess, lol... He is very high maintenance and we are not what each other is looking for. I had fun experiencing Israel with him and maybe I will see him when I get back home but I highly doubt anything will come of it.

Update 32

Israel!!!!!! I have been here for almost a week. I love it here. I feel like its home. My trip has alot of socially challenged people whose parents probably insisted that they go on the trip to meet new friends and possibly their soul mates. At first when I met everyone at the airport I thought I had just signed up for the worst 2 weeks of my life. I called my best friend and said "what the hell was I thinking??? How am I going to connect with anyone and not want to kill these annoying people or myself??" Then I met the most amazing girl in the world! I actually feel like she is my Bashert, lol! Its like we have known each other for 20 years. I told her that I was supposed to meet my soul-mate on this trip and then she said "well, stop looking you already found me!" And it was sooo true!! I hope you are not worried that my blog is taking a lesbian turn cause its not ;) But I actually feel so connected to her. I am so chilled and not stressed or boy crazy here. I am just hanging out with her and we are having the best time! We are making the best of what g-d has given us to work with! We are the only two girls on the trip that brought a hair dryer, straightening iron and make up. Naturally the other girls spent most of last week hating us and gossiping about us. It felt like the twighlight zone. At home we are both popular and have tons of friends and here we are the minority and we are the social outcasts!! I admit, I got a very interesting perspective after being on this side. I can imagine how someone with low self esteem who was being threated like this from a whole group would have a very hard time. We just embraced the bitchy stereotype and had our own fun! Soon enough we adopted another sweet girl and then a few more joined our crew. They wanted help with their hair and tips about make up. We made a decision on shabbat that we would be nice even though they were all so rude at the beginning. I have been so chilled out on this trip. Drinking every night and just having so much fun. There is one cool guy I guess he will have to be number 41 (I will do that post soon) and the Israeli soldier that is assigned to our group is the most attractive guy in the universe but he is engaged... I have been bbming some of the boys from back home and I still really like the accountant. I need this time to grow and maybe when I get back I will better know myself and what I want. I just feel happy to be here in Israel. It feels so right.

Update 31

I am so sorry that I haven’t updated in a while... I have a few things to update so I will do it in two posts.

A few weeks ago my Bubby (Mother’s Mother) randomly said that after six years of not seeing her oldest sister she needs me to drive her 8 hours to go “say goodbye to her”. I asked her what the hell she was talking about. She explained to me that she is afraid to fly and she has a feeling that she her sister will die very soon and she will not be able to live with herself if she does not go say goodbye to her. My Bubby has four granddaughters. All of them (besides me) call her and visit her on a regular basis however none of them (besides me) would ever agree to get in a car with her for an 8 hour drive because of one of her crazy internal intuitions. She said I have to take her before I leave to Israel. I thought it was strange but I figured I would just do it. So we chose the weekend before my Israel trip. The plan was to leave early Friday morning and make it there before the Sabbath (my bubby’s family is orthodox and observes the Sabbath). The plan was that me, my mom and her mom (my bubby) would pile into the car and be stuck together for 8 straight hours... 3 generations of Jewish neurosis, guilt and co-dependency all together for the weekend. We got a call on Thursday afternoon that her sister was actually very sick and they were not sure if she would even make it until the next day. My Bubby started to panic to my mom who in turn called to panic to me. “I just want to make it there to say goodbye, even if its just for 10 minutes”. I was irritated by the anxiety, panic and urgency in my mom’s voice but felt this unbelievable responsibility to make sure she got there in time. I told them that I had to work til 10 PM Thursday night and that we could leave at 11 and I would drive through the night to get her there. I set a few ground rules. There was to be NO talk of her sister or death or panic for the entire ride. My bubby was required to take sleeping meds to knock her out for the entire ride. My mom was NOT to comment on my driving or grip the handle in a dramatic way as if to prepare herself for a car crash at any point on the trip. I was in charge of the radio because I was driving and needed to be kept awake. After what felt like 4 days of driving, we got to her middle sisters house. She woke up from a full night of sleep and it started.... She said that she had not slept a wink, I told her that I had been listening to her snore for the last 8 hours and she said that was impossible. She started to fix her hair and put on make up and change into nice new clothes in the back of the car. Was I the only one who didn’t think you need to dress up to go see your dying 90 year old sister in the hospital? I started to better understand the way some of her crap has been passed down to me through my mother. Like her, I care what I look like and what people will think. I can’t stand it when she does it but I found some compassion for her and for my mother and even for myself that weekend. We sat in a hospital room all together. My 86 year old grandmother, her 88 year old sister and her 90 year old sister, we are not 100 % sure of their ages cause they all lied to make themselves younger, probably to be more desirable to men or something back in the day. Also there was the next generation... my mother and the oldest daughter of each of my bubby’s sisters. And me. I watched how they all babied their aging mothers and looked up to their children. Although my mother was not raised with her cousins, it was enough that they all had mothers who were exactly like each other for the dynamic in each family to turn out the same. The craziness was so deeply ingrained in all three families, it is no wonder that I am the way I am. The difference is that I choose to seek help and grow and stop the cycle.

The very crazy part was the very next day my 90 year old aunt passed away with her crazy 88 year old and 86 year old sisters right by her side. They had been through everything together. Through the Holocaust, through the murder of their parents and siblings, through marriages, through their husbands deaths, a death of a child, weddings of their own children and births of their grandchildren and now they sat together in a hospital room and shared their last memory together as the three crazy sisters. I spent the weekend observing and reflecting on the dynamics and behaviour of everyone in the family. I learned a lot about myself that weekend. I learned about where I really come from and I better understood why I am the way I am. I was also able to see some of the changes that I would like to make in my own life and not carry them onto my own children. I am glad that I got her there in time. I am glad I witness her saying goodbye to her big sister who she has known for 86 years. I feel like I witnessed a little piece of history. I feel like it is more important then ever to document our grandparents stories cause their generation is dying off and we will have no real connection to the past if we don't document it for our children...

Update 30

What a difference a few weeks of not jdating has made for my mental health! I have no deadline, no ticking clock, I am not anxious or stressed and I am not in "find husband yesterday mode". I feel cool and chilled and relaxed. I feel like someone I would like to spend time with that is fun and carefree. I think I have actually been putting this vibe out to the universe. Although I have stopped meeting new guys, a few old ones have popped back up. This time around I am being less judgmental, threw out my "husband checklist" and have decided to enjoy being single and not be so uptight and worried about what people will think. I have two weeks until I go to Israel so i figured I would start having fun now! Vacation started this weekend and hopefully my attitude will continue throughout my trip and I will come back relaxed, happy and stress free.

Number 38 invited me to his pool party on Sunday afternoon. I figured "why not". I knew that I wouldn't know very many people but that it might be fun. So I went over and it was a great party. He has so many awesome friends! There were like 30 or 40 people there which showed me that he is quite social and people really like him. He kissed me hello on the lips and then acted like we were just friends in front of all of his friends. So I just followed his lead and had a lot of fun. I ended up knowing a bunch of his friends so I could be independent and not need him to "babysit me" (not that I ever really need that, lol). I had to leave after about an hour and a half to go run a group for work. He walked me to my car and gave me another kiss goodbye. He told me to come back after work, so I did. It was dark by the time I got back, and his friends were sitting around a campfire. It was so nice and chilled. It felt like high school, in a good way! He told me to come sit with him on his lawn chair and he was being affectionate in front of his friends and siblings. People started to leave. I helped his sister clean up and before I knew it I was the last guest left. his sister went to sleep and we went to sit by the pool. I don't know what came over me, I felt like it was back when I was 16, when I didn't care about my reputation or about how I looked or about what everyone might think of me. I asked him if he wanted to go swimming. He said of course but did you bring a bathing suit? I said no, I didn't ;) I asked him to grab me one of his sisters T-shirts and two towels. I changed into the t-shirt right outside. I didn't go to the washroom like my usual prude self. It felt exciting and scandalous, lol, I feel like such a dork saying that but it really did! We had fun in the pool at 1 am. We kissed a lot and I had a really great time. I even got my hair wet, unheard of!

The next day Crazy (number 28) asked me to come over. We had been talking for the last week since I saw him and I kept on making excuses why I couldn't come over. He was going out of town and didn't know if he would be back before I left to Israel and wanted to "say goodbye". I decided not to analyze it and think too much about it and just go. I let lose and didn't care about being judged or about how I would feel the next day. I even went over with my gross hair from the pool the night before and no make up. I really didn't care! I felt like going, so I went. We ended up having so much fun. We spent the day together. He was even patient and sat around while I did my hair for 2 hours after. Then we went out to the mall with his niece and it felt like how we used to be. We laughed and it was just relaxed. I didn't bring any of my negative energy or my pressure or stress and I was actually able to have a great day.

That evening I had plans with the accountant (number 22), I wasn't sure if he was going to cancel because I thought he was still mad at me. He messaged me to come over for 9 so I did. When I walked in, he didn't stop complementing me. I actually tried hard to look good that night so it was nice that he recognized it. He told me to take off my heels and that we are going for an adventure. An adventure I asked?? He said, stop being so prissy, go get flats from your car and lets go on the subway. The subway??? The "new me" decided to just trust him and be adventurous! I was wearing a dress so I sat on his lap on the subway cause I didn't want my almost bare bottom to sit on the seats. He was cracking up laughing at me! I asked where we were going. He said no more fancy restaurants for you. I took you to all the hot spots when we dated 5 months ago, we need to cut the shit and see who you really are. I was like "oh g-d, he is punishing me for what I did and getting me back by taking me to McDonalds or something!" I went with it anyways. I told him that I didn't know when I became "that girl" that only likes expensive snobby restaurants. I told him that wasn't even me. I used to love going to dives and holes in the wall and I can't remember why or when that stopped. We got off at a random stop, in a very bad part of town. I asked if he was taking me somewhere to have me killed! He laughed again. We got to this place that had a line up around the corner. It was a hidden jem in the middle of a terrible neighborhood that he had found. He somehow managed to scam us to the top of the list, and no he did not slip anyone any money. He is just super charming like that. The food was unreal! It was so delicious! I even had a drink! I barely ever order a drink, again cause I don't want anyone to think I am.... you know what? I don't even know what I don't want people to think!!!! How f@cked is that?!?!? Anyways, I had such a great night! On the subway ride back we made out like teenagers that couldn't care less if we looked un-classy or that people were rolling their eyes etc. The world just consisted of me and him and what WE thought, no one else. He told me that he has really liked me ever since we met months ago and that I really did break his heart. I told him that I was sorry but that perhaps it wasn't meant to be then. Perhaps neither of us were ready for each other then and it would have been a waste if we ended up dating months ago. He told me to shut up, lol. I went back to his house after to kiss and cuddle, and that is exactly what we ended up doing. He said that he was upset that I was going away cause it might ruin the flow if we start to hang out a lot before I leave and then I just take off for a month. I asked him if we could just enjoy and not think too much about the future right now. I like him but I have no expectations. I plan to just let my own story unfold to me as I go on!

I hope I can keep this attitude going! I am soooo fun to hang out with, lol! I am so not my stuck up, snobby, "what will everyone think of me" self. I am cool again :) at least for now! So go ahead, say I am a player or a slut or mentally insane! I don't mind, I had the best weekend in a long time, so it was worth it to me and I am the only one who matters what I think of me!

Update 29

So crazy guy spent the entire week messaging me and trying to convince me to come by. I want to say that he conned me or manipulated me but I am a grown up and I knew what he was up to the entire time and I chose to participate and engage and respond to his messages. I ended up going over one afternoon. It was weird to be there after so long. We watched TV for a bit, then he started with his charm. We ended up kissing, I felt awkward and uncomfortable so we stopped. I told him that I had to go see a client and left after about an hour. I felt bad about going. Nothing terrible happened but I know that I should not have gone. It was pointless and useless and did not make me feel very good about myself. We had a huge argument the next day, obviously... It reminded me just how crazy he was and how insane we were together. I felt really dumb the next day and have not spoken to him since. I was obviously reluctant to write about this and whatever anyone is going to say, I already know.... I got all the lectures from everyone in my life, including myself. The only thing I can do now, is make sure it doesn't happen again. And I intend to do my best.

I spoke about it with my therapist. I seem to either go for Shmucks (yiddish for a dick/jerky guy) or Shmattas (yiddish for rag/guy with no balls). To some degree I either pick a guy that takes on the role that my dad plays in my parents marriage (dominant, bossy, sometimes can be a bit of a shmuck) or I pick a guy that represents my moms role in their marriage (passive, quiet and sometimes a shmatta). The thing is, I pick relationships where there is a clear dominant and a clear submissive person. I am either the jerk with the passive guy or I am the "poor girl" with the mean jerky guy. The only relationship that I have ever been in that was equal with no jerk, no dominant and no submissive person was with my ex. There was a mutual respect for each other. No one was mean or bossy or dominant. We were equal. We were kind and caring and loving and respectful of each other, something I am obviously not used to. And it was wonderful.

Besides my "slip" with crazy guy, things continue to look good... I still feel good about myself and my other choices. I am still keeping the focus on me and growing and changing. I think I am going to meet the guy that I canceled with last Friday. I feel okay about going on one date and being open minded after clearing my head a bit. I have no expectations. I more feel bad for canceling on him twice already and he seems pretty persistent to meet. I am a bit nervous that I should stay on my no dating streak... but hopefully it wont be a big deal.

I even went to see my Bubby (grandmother in Yiddish) today. I say "even" because if ever anyone wanted to know where all my neurosis come from all they need to do is spend 30 minutes with my mom's mom (my Bubby). I get along great with my Safta (grandmother in hebrew- my dad's mom) but for some reason me and my mom's mom do not always click. I walked in and she told me how beautiful I looked. I said thank you (I had just come from work, no make up and my hair was a mess). Then she said "BUT you are too skinny". I said that I was on a diet for Israel and that I was not too skinny I was just fine. Then she proceeded to ignore what I had just said and began to offer me food. How about some fruit? No thanks, I am not hungry. How about Strawberries? No Bubby, that is a fruit too and I just told you that I am not hungry. How about some chocolates? Bubby! Why would you offer someone who just said they are on a diet, chocolate?? Ok, Ok, maybe you want some cereal with milk or a sandwich? OMFG! Fine, I will have 3 strawberries and thats it. She brought out a plate of 10 strawberries with three forks (a manipulation tool so that I would think they were to share even though she and my step-grandfather didn't have any) a bar of chocolate and other fruit. I ate 3 strawberries. She asked why I eat at my other grandmother's house but not her house. I told her it was because my other grandmother did not try to shove food in my face when I said I wasn't hungry. She said it was because I loved her more. FML!

There was a positive part to my visit. She told me how she met my Zaidy (grandfather in Yiddish- he died when I was 6). It was such a nice, romantic, fairy tale story. She was engaged to another man after the Holocaust- WWII. She was 19 years old and as soon as she met my Zaidy, she fell in love with him and he with her. She broke off her engagement with the guy and ran away to another city to be with my Zaidy. They really were crazy about each other. Up until the day he died they kissed and hugged all the time and were so in love. Sound familiar to anyone!??!? Maybe history does repeat itself?

Despite the fact that she drives me nuts most of the time, I think its important to visit her and hear her stories so that they can live on. I have already lost one grandparent and I never got to hear his story and I don't want to make that mistake twice. When I left, she told me that I made her week by coming over. I know it sounds sweet but its just more manipulation and Jewish guilt... This time, I didn't mind it :)

I had coffee today with my oldest friend (we have been friends since we are 4 years old). She is living with her non-Jewish boyfriend and her parents are just starting to come around after 5 years. She highly encourages me to follow my heart. She says that everyone else in my life will follow a few steps behind. Something to think about....

Update 28

This week has been awesome! I spent it all on doing things for myself and with myself! I sent my resume off to a bunch of places and I hope to get a few interviews in before I leave for Israel. I got a new client! I have been looking for condos online just to start to get a feel for the market in the area I want to buy. I have been spending a lot of time outside with my niece and I have been going on walks with my dog and my mom. I have been eating healthy (lost 4 lbs so far!) and I am feeling so good!!! I offered to volunteer as a "Big sister" for a mentoring organization.The business that I invested in is starting to make some financial progress which is sooo great! I have someone working on my addiction website and it should be done before I leave to Israel! Everything is starting to fall nicely into place :) I have been hanging out with my sister more and my girl friends. Tonight I am going to see Sex and the City (very overdue) after Shabbat dinner.

One night I hung out with my best guy friend (he was my first "bad boy" when I was 17 and we have been best friends ever since). Normally when I am dating or with someone, we see less of each other but I specifically made time for him this week. We decided to go for a walk at 11 PM. We were going to walk to the grocery store. One the way we stopped in the park and played on the swings and the monkey bars and the slide! I felt like a kid! It was so much fun! We ended up buying things to make banana bread and baked together at 1 in the morning! It was a waaaaay better night then if I had been on a jdate!

My last day on jdate a guy messaged me and we have been emailing each other. We were supposed to meet tonight but I am not ready right now so I told him that maybe next week we will meet. I am enjoying feeling free for now and I will see how I feel next week.

The other one that messaged lives very far (in LA) and we have been messaging each other on msn but I don't see anything real coming out of it. Long distance is no fun.

Those are the last two that snuck in before my break with JDate, which I feel so good about! I haven't been tempted to log on even once!

I find myself talking a great deal about how wonderful my relationship was with my ex. My mom was telling me a story of a friend of hers who got very sick and her husband had to bathe her and actually change her adult diaper. She said that he is a very special kind of man because she doesn't know of many men that would do that (including my father, lol). I told her that I only know of one that would do that for me.... my ex. She didn't say anything back.

In any case, the weather is great here, I am feeling great and I am working on being the kind of person that I would want to date. As Drake puts it "I'm doing me"!

Update 27

My jdate account expires tomorrow and I could not be happier. It was supposed to expire last month but they kept billing my credit card and I only found out by calling that I need to go into my account and un-click the auto renew button... So I will stay logged on most of the day and if someone interesting messages me then I may meet them but after today thats it! Jdate and I need some time apart for a while!! We are going on a break :)

I am proud to say that I have been "date free" for 2 weeks (plus one day, but who is counting)!! I feel like this is an AA meeting, lol. After dating 40 guys and finding something (often shallow) wrong with every single one of them I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I think that if Prince Charming himself rode right by me on a horse, I would find some way to sabotage it at this point in my life. His shirt wouldn't match the color of the horse or something ridiculous like that!

The ironic part of all of this is that my ex (who I still love and miss very much) is not tall or rich or a professional, many of the same reasons I have dismissed so many of these guys. So I think that in some subconscious way I was just trying to find something, anything wrong because my heart is still with him. I think my subconscious logic was that if I am not going to find the perfect guy and I have to settle on something then perhaps I should be with the one I love and settle on religion... I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way that it makes sense that I have been through 40 guys, dated 3 or 4, and had zero work out.

I spoke to my old professor (who taught both myself and my ex and became a friend to many of the students after we graduated) about the whole situation and he sent me back the funniest message....

Wish EX and you could have worked it out. Maybe you will. I'd like to think I would convert for a girl like you, but that would be me. I suppose in the end one has to be true to self. I just hope it doesn't hurt for too long and if he doesn't come calling, a great guy--let's hope silly rich--sweeps you off your feet.

I know it has only been 2 weeks but it feels right to be alone. I feel sad some nights but I know that it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. I don't want to go on anymore F-ing Jdates! I can't! I won't! I am frustrated and annoyed and I might just lose my mind!!I don't want to go for bubble tea or coffee or dinner and stare at my watch or wonder why I have agreed to put myself through hours of annoying, boring conversations.

I have no clue what I am looking for even though I pretend that I do.

I know that I have 10 more dates to go on to get to 50 but I can't run through them like a marathon runner. I am petrified to get any closer to number 50 cause I still have no idea what happens when I get to the finish line. Jdate is not the right place for me to find love right now. It feels forced and unnatural. If I happen to meet someone while I am out and we click then great if not then I will deal with being by myself :)

I have heard everyone's comments. The nice ones and the not so nice ones. It is weird that a bunch of strangers would have an impact on my life and the decisions that I make. I have decided that when I come back from Israel, I need to figure out a way to make more money (either by getting a day job or busting my ass to get more clients). I need to start to look for a condo to buy and move out of my parents house. I love them dearly and they are really good to me but by living here and being somewhat dependent on them they treat me like a child and I, in turn, act like one.

A few things that have happened with past guys this last 2 weeks...

CRAZY GUY: Out of no where, 2 months after not speaking, I get a bbm. We chatted for a bit and he finally got to his point which was very bluntly stated "can we be friends with benefits". Naturally, I freaked out. I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was.... I hadn't slept with him while we were dating why on earth would I want to be his F*#k Buddy? I asked what planet he was on, where girls just ran over when he snapped his fingers! I was livid! He tried to get out of it by saying he just wants to cuddle and watch a movie blah blah blah. I said no. He tried for a few days and then I actually bumped into him. I took my dog and my niece out for ice cream on a busy patio street in our area. He was two doors down having lunch and saw me and came over to say hi. He looked AMAZING. He sat down and made small talk. He was insulted that I hadn't gone over to say hi to him. He messaged me later that night to try one last time. Although after seeing him, I was slightly tempted I decided it would be a mistake to get wrapped up in his drama again. I politely declined.

COP: Haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. He ended up deleting me from everywhere after I didn't talk to him for a few days. I found that he made a new profile on jdate. He says that he is a doctor, actually a surgeon to be exact. He says he loves to dine in the area that we went the last time when the bill was so much that he let the other guy cover it, lol! He basically described that he is the best most perfect catch in the universe. I read it and laughed my ass off!! He is so deranged! What happens when he meets a girl, has no car to pick her up in, doesn't know a thing about medicine and has to take her back to his mom's 1970's decorated basement??? You think she will figure out that he is lying, lol!!!!!

ACCOUNTANT: He has been messaging me since we bumped into each other at the crazy dramatic party 3 weeks ago. We have tried to make plans a few times but it has not worked out. I think he is still angry about what happened with his friend. If he gets over it maybe we will hang out, if not then not :)