Monday, August 9, 2010

Update 34

When I got home, I started my guy detox. I made it so that I had no one to come home to. I deleted all the guys that I flirted with and could fool around with. No one picked me up from the airport, no one missed me and there was no one I missed and wanted to run home to. I was single. Totally single. I don't have a guy to go see a movie with to go to dinner with, to hang out with or someone I could even ask to be my date to my sister's wedding. I have never been this single. And I think I am actually okay.

In terms of Judaism.... I have been introduced to a few more rabbis and some people here that are supposed to help answer my questions and help me grow spiritually and religiously. I have made it clear to everyone that I am interested in becoming more spiritual but I am not yet comfortable with having religion rammed down my throat. I have been feeling very sad and empty for the last 2 months without my ex. There is a part of me that wants to screw this whole experiment, screw my parents and even Judaism and take the next flight to Europe. The other part of me is saying that if you are not with him because of Judaism then perhaps you should explore Judaism more and become more connected to the religion that I am choosing over the love of my life. Then I had a third idea. Why can't I become more connected to Judaism and then be with him and I wont have that fear that I will lose my Judaism if I am with him. If its strong enough then I wont lose it just because my partner is not Jewish.

I have been getting a million different opinions to this dilemma. I thought Israel would clear up all my doubts and give me clarity but I have never been more confused and conflicted in my life.

Since Israel I have stopped eating milk with meat. I barely used to eat it together until I started dating my ex over 2 years ago. I figure that its a small thing that I can do to show myself that I don't have to lose Judaism just because of the person I am with. And also it is my responsibility to keep myself connected. I can't blame the person I am with for me losing touch with my religion and culture etc. I have also explored the idea of trying to keep more of the customs and perhaps in the future I would want to keep the sabbath.

The most interesting opinion I got was that of my therapist. I did not see him for a month while I was away and then when I saw him this week we talked about my ex and about Judaism. The first thing he mentioned was the fact that I truly believed that the survival of the entire Jewish nation was on my shoulders. This could not be more me! I am a martyr for everything! I can't live for myself and my happiness. I need to make sure my parents and even grandparents are okay with everything I do. I hate to disappoint and let them down. And now I feel like I can't let down an entire nation of people!!! When he said it out loud, I could actually hear how ridiculous it sounded! I have to martyr being with the love of my life (who I have not been able to get over in almost a year and 44 men have not even come close to how great he is) just for the sake of Judaism and my unborn grandchildren.

The next thing he pointed out was the way I explain Judaism. I explain that I love it for its spirituality and family aspect. I love the unconditional love I feel from it and the way I can keep growing with it. I love how it makes me feel complete and connected to something.
Then I explained how my ex makes me feel. I ended up using the same words and adjectives to describe our relationship. It was such a crazy epiphany. The way I feel about my religion is the way I feel about him and the wonderful things that Judaism does for me and with me, so does he! He is the most spiritual person I know, more spiritual than some rabbis and religious people and he allows me to be myself without judgement and to grow and to be a better person.
So I was a bit amazed that the two represent the same things to me and that my life could be AMAZING if there was a way to have both.

Man, do I have some serious thinking to do... I have started to get mini anxiety attacks when I think about him and hopefully that is my body telling me that I need to make a decision soon cause I can't take the back and forth for very much longer.


  1. Does your ex still feel the same way about you? Does he want to be together still? You may be worrying about a decision that no longer needs to be made. The last conversation you recorded on the blog seems like he thinks of you fondly but that he may have moved on... My ex would be happy to wish me happy birthday, but he would also say that "leavin' aint leavin' if you don't stay gone" if I let this many months, dates and vacillation go on so long. But, that's my ex, not yours. It's just that it sounds as though you are thinking this decision is yours and yours alone and it seems like he may have an opinion too...

  2. @Anon
    You could not be more right. I am very aware of the fact that I could decide to be with him and he could already be with someone else or just be too hurt or just want nothing to do with me. I do however know that my decision can not be based on where he is at or how he feels. It would not be fair to him to call him and "check to make sure he still wants me" and then say ok, just checking and by the way I'm still not sure if I can be with you. I will have to figure out my feelings first and then risk the scary reality that he may not want to be with me. If I decide I want to be with him I will have to just hope he does too or be willing to go through the pain of us really being over forever. I think about that reality everyday and its hard to swallow, trust me...

  3. b, it sounds like you're romanticizing a lifestyle, which of course we all do. Let me just share though with you the harsh reality that somewhere along the lines - with or without children, but ESPECIALLY with - one of the two partners sacrifices religion. That's not to say that thus it shouldn't ever be compromised on, but please, don't kid yourself. If you plan on being with a non Jew, and clearly since Jewishness is so important to you, it will be you who will end up compromising. What is this inherent rush though? 50 jdates within a year? 2 weeks in israel to bring up life altering questions? why are you putting yourself through this?? date, don't date, travel, get promotions, go out, stay home - do for you! you're in your 20s. this is the time.

    finally, i would ask, is your therapist jewish? I'm sorry to say but Jew's have an understanding of the culture that is quite simply, inexplainable to the outside world. you could be in the middle of china with 12 million ppl surrounding you, but when you see a Jew, you're suddenly comfortable. i realize this sounds racist or exclusion-based, but its just the way it goes...
    good luck, i hope you start feeling comfortable in your skin...

  4. It's not true that when two people of separate faiths marry one has to sacrifice theirs so the other can raise the family in one religion. My mother and father are both of separate religions and I was raised with the knowledge of both. I would alternate churches and learn of the different faiths through my parents. The most important thing I learned growing up is that it doesn't matter what religion or road you take to G-d, but that you HAVE that faith and trust in G-d.

    It seems to me that part of your love with Judaism is that it's something that pulls your family close together and makes you feel connected to others. Even if you don't raise your children to be 100% Jewish you can still instill those values in them, and you can still continue to practice Judaism as completely as you want to. Your faith is yours, and no one can take that from you. Marriage doesn't change that. It's the joining together of two different people who love and want to be one another. It doesn't say that you have to change everything about yourself to be together. You seem to have it in your head that marriage is the end game for your faith, and it really doesn't have to be that way.

  5. I say just get the inevitable over with!! #TEAM-EX

  6. @Alexis
    I actually laughed out loud when I got this comment to my blackberry!!!
    I didn't know there was a TEAM EX!
    Thanks for the support :)

  7. I wonder if maybe you're romanticizing your past relationship a little bit... I don't know you, or fully understand what you went through with your ex, but I do know that after a break-up and in the midst of loneliness, it's an easy thing to do. It's easy to look back and remember and miss all of the good things, and gloss over anything that might have been bad. It seems to me that you are an intelligent woman, and if you made a thoughtful decision to end your relationship and move on, you must have had good reason to do so. Maybe it was just religion, but I imagine there must have been some other things too. For example, it seems that you've spent a lot of time since your break-up, trying to decide if you need to change to fit his life. Do you think he's been considering doing the same for you, or does your being a couple depend 100% on your willingness to comply with his needs? Is his principle about not joining a religion to conform to a spouse more important than your desire to build a family that's unified in the religion you love?

    It's comforting to imagine that finding happiness in love and in life might be as simple as running back into the arms of someone who meant so much to you in the past. It's familiar, and it's a romantic scene we see so much in movies and on tv. The lovers' eyes meet, the music swells, they rush to each other's arms and in that moment everything is right in the world, but what happens the next day? If the same problems are still there under the surface, they will rise to the top once again, and in the end all you get is setbacks. You lose all of the confidence and self awareness you gained from having gained your independence, and you get to start the process of getting over the break-up all over again.

    Just a caution on getting back together with exes. I've been there. Good luck to you!

  8. B, I have VERY similar feelings about the entirety of our religion sitting on my shoulders and have for a VERY long time. You are NOT alone. I hope you find happiness.