Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Update 38

The Ultimate test:

Last Thursday I was sitting at my bubby's (mom's mom) dinner table next to my boyfriend when my blackberry made an email noise. I looked at my phone and saw that I had just received an email from my ex. I felt a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. I tried to discreetly read the email. He thanked me for respecting his space and giving him the time he needed and asked for. He told me that he missed me and would like to catch up. He also told me that he had heard that I had been dating someone for a few months and wanted to know all about it.
My boyfriend looked over at me and asked if everything was okay. I said yes and closed my phone. I was caught off guard and didn't know what to think or feel. Was I being tested? Was my new relationship being tested? Why now? Why would he email me now, after I finally found some happiness and found a way to move on? After dinner I went over to my best friends house to talk to her about what I should do. Should I email him back and catch up and risk getting emotionally involved again and missing him and bringing up old feelings? Should I delete and ignore the email? I really wasn't sure what the right decision was so I decided to do nothing and give it a few days. I had been waiting so long for this email and now that I got it I didn't know how to feel about it. I worried that he only wrote because he heard that I had moved on and wanted to sabatoge it or something. I had so many fears and worries about what the right thing to do was. I called up my boyfriend and told him that I got this email and I told him the truth about how I was feeling and about my concerns and that I didn't know what to do. He listened and told me that he trusts me and trusts that I will make a good decision and that he doesn't think this would bother him or come between us. I thanked him for being so understanding.
The next night I stayed over at his house and started to compare him to my ex. I started to create arguments and find things that made me mad. After he fell asleep I called my best friend and told her that I was freaking out and I was starting to sabotage. After talking to her and realizing what I was doing I crawled back into bed, into his arms and squeezed him tight. I decided to keep moving forward with him and not to let my past and thoughts and ex ruin an amazing relationship. I put the email out of my head. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and we had a great time! We spent the day downtown and then had dinner with my parents and sister and brother in law, saw friends, and even took his niece trick or treating! Then Sunday when I got home, I went online and my ex messaged me. I was hesitant but I wrote back. We started chatting and then ended up speaking on skype. It turned out to be a great conversation. He was in a good place where he was really able to hear all about me and my new bf. He told me what he had been up to the last almost year and the convo went surprisingly well. I didn't feel anything I was worried I might feel. It felt like an old friend catching up. I didn't feel like I wanted to see him or that I missed him or that I had made the wrong choice. It felt just perfect the way it went. Before we hung up I made one boundary clear... I said that we could try to be friends as long as I didn't start trying to get things from him that I was supposed to be getting from my bf (eg. attention or compliments etc). I wanted him to act as a friend and not take on a boyfriend role in my life. And that was it ; my one rule of our friendship.
I spoke to my bf about all of it and remained completely honest with him. I told him about my rule and he said that it seems more then fair. He promised to let me know if it ever bothered him and I made sure he knew that his feelings were at the top of my priority list.
This is just one more thing that makes me feel so grateful for him and how amazing and rational and understanding he is. I am a lucky girl!!!
And if that was a test.. I believe I passed with flying colors!!!
I am completely confident that I made the right choice and I am even more in love with my bf after this experience.


  1. Yay, glad you updated. Keep us informed.

  2. Sounds like a great guy! I have been following your blog since the beginning and have really felt your pain over your search for the perfect guy. Why would you risk throwing that away just to start from scratch? You may think that you can be friends with your ex, but your new relationship is too fresh to really give it a chance when you have the distraction of your ex. You haven't really said what you want to get out of your friendship with your ex, but I don't think you've distanced yourself enough to do this; especially if you were so anxious when he reached out to you. The day you know you want to be friends with him, is the day it doesn't feel like it means anything - and no "rules" even need to be stated.