Sunday, November 22, 2009

Update 3

Its been about two weeks since I heard from my bf or ex or whatever you want to call him... He randomly messaged me yesterday at 8 am my time. He said "hey" and I didn't respond and then 10 minutes later he said "hi?". It took every ounce of my self control not to write back to him. I wanted to tell him that I have missed him, that I think about him all the time and that I love him so much and wish things were different. I figured none of this would have been very helpful so I decided to follow the advice that I often give friends, family and clients... DO NOTHING. Its the simplest/most complicated philosophy that I have. When I am not sure what to do in a situation, I do nothing. This allows me time to think before I act and to play out what would happen if I did something. In this case I realized that the only thing I really want to hear from him is that he misses me so much that he is converting and moving here to be with me. At this point, I don't want to make small talk or hear about what he had for lunch. I feel that it will be impossible for me to give any guy a fair chance if I know that I am running home to get on the phone with my ex right after a date etc. It is very hard for me to avoid talking to him cause I miss him terribly but I am committed to this project and I don't want to screw up what I am trying to do by having him cloud my mind. He asked me for the break and just cause he is done with the break doesn't mean that I need to be. I am still entitled to my space and to do what I have set out to do. If I talk to him I want to be able to say that I have done what I wanted to do and realize that I can not be without you and that you are more important to me then religion and I am on the next plane over to be with you. I am no where near close to saying that and therefore feel that the small talk is unnecessary and cruel to both of our hearts. So I will be the strong one and try my hardest not to talk to him for now. I was so messed up the whole day just from receiving a "hello", that I can't imagine how messed up I would be if we had a whole conversation. I think I am doing the right thing. I know this because it is difficult and it hurts like hell. I hope he is doing okay and I will continue my jdates until I have more clarity about what I want in life....

I got a very interesting email from a girl who is in the exact same situation as me... She took a 3 month break from her non jewish bf to go on jdates. She ended up missing him and after 6 months got back together... I believe that if me and my ex are meant to be then we will be and choosing to talk or not talk right now will make no difference in the larger picture. Thanks for the email J.S. it gave me a bit of hope and strength!!!


  1. Yet you choose to write all your feelings on here. Why? Not so we will be able to read it becaus eyou could have easily left it out and none of us would have been any the wiser. No you did it because this way he will be able to read it. So congratulations on not saying anything to him... except that you did. Hmmm.

    Because you can't tell me that he doesn't know about this site. Unless he has unbelievable restraint then he is definitely reading this. Even if it is breaking his heart.

    Don't try and fool yourself 'cause you aren't fooling us.

  2. Thanks for the comment... He does not know that I am blogging and would have no idea how to even find the website address if he thought I was... How would I be able to write freely about other guys and kissing them etc. knowing that he was reading it? And why would he even want to read about stuff like that? Anyways, thanks for the concern but he does not read my blog so I actually have not communicated any of this to him...

  3. I feel like it would be a bit more fair to him to at least respond with the explination that you need the space too. Presumably he cares about you and will be worrying as to why you didn't respond. If this is going to work you with the possibility of getting back together with him you'll need to be upfront.

    And that way you'll know he won't respond, and it will be because of your wishes, not him being frustrated.

  4. Hi! I've been following your blog and just wanted to give you a little insight into my life as a daughter of a jewish father and a catholic mother who both went against their parents advice and got married. I know a lot of people feel the need to date within their religion b/c they want their kids to be raised the same way they were, but you can still do that! I grew up learning about two religions and celebrating all the holidays and I think it's made me a better person and much more understanding of people from all faiths. Maybe your ex doesn't want to convert but that doesn't mean that you have to abandon your faith and maybe he can compromise so your children can share yours. And my grandparents soon were able to look beyond religion and see how much love both my parents shared for one another, it just took longer for them. It seems to me that your mother really cares about you and want the best for you and that when it comes right down to it she will respect your decision but it just might take some time. Just some food for thought.

  5. I'm not Jewish but I've done the online dating thing, so I can relate to the horror dates you've been on. Just remember they'll make great stories for your future children and teach them how NOT to act. I also want to encourage you to not give up - the right person for you is out there, whether it's your BF or someone else. It took me four months of dating frogs before I found my gem of a husband.

    FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing by not communicating at all with your BF or ex or whatever. It does make it harder on both of you if you stay in contact, and you need to do what is best for you. I think he's probably smart enough to realize that if you don't respond to his texts or IMs it's because you need time and space away from him right now. (And isn't that what guys do to girls?) If you are meant to be together, you will be.

  6. You need to respond to him if you ever want a chance to get back with him. I'm not saying have a full conversation with him but just let him know that you still need some space to figure yourself out and that you hope he'll understand.

    I mean just put yourself in his place for a moment. His girlfriend, who he's obviously crazy about and wants to MARRY, is out dating other men. He is just as confused as you are and in all honesty probably hurting inside (you don't take breaks from each other when everything is fine). I know if my significant other was dating online because they weren't sure about me I would be having very serious doubts about myself. So, you not responding to that text probably won't make him think "oh she still needs space", he's probably at the place where he's thinking "did she find someone else?" or "are we done?". Either way he is your boyfriend and he DOES have the right to know at least that you want some space and why. If you don't, his doubts and pain is only going to grow and it'll blow up into a break up later.

    I'm not saying quit your jdates or run back to your bf. All I am saying is that he does have a right to know from you.