My Fourteenth Date

This guy on jdate messages me using my nickname from highschool... So I say ya, and you are?? He tells me who he is. He was a friend of the guy I dated for most of high school. I totally didn't recognize him. He got taller and better looking and had been working out a lot. He went from a boy to a man. He asked me if it would be weird if he asked me out. I said that it wouldn't be weird for me at all and it depends if he feels it would make his friend upset. He told me that he has had a crush on me since high school and was always jealous of his friend because he got to date me. He was using lines like "you are so hot". We decided to meet one night after I was done work around 10 PM. He walked in and I could tell that he was nervous and acted just as awkwardly as he did in high school. I guess going to the gym does not create self esteem, go figure! That was not all that was the same since then... He still hung out with the same friends, they were all still single, most still living with their parents. And above all, they still smoked pot everyday. He kept begging me not to tell my ex that we were out together for coffee. I told him that we dated 10 years ago and that I highly doubted he would care. i told him that I haven't seen or spoken to him in years but that if I was ever asked, I wouldn't lie. He seemed uncomfortable and nervous and mentioned it a few more times through out the date. In conversation I realized that he couldn't focus on the topic or keep his attention. He interrupted a lot with things that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. It was like that Disney movie "UP". I would be talking and he would get distracted by a "squirrel"! It was actually quite irritating. I felt like I was talking to one of the teens that I counsel except he was in the body of a 29 year old! He had not been in a serious relationship since he was 19 and couldn't understand why. I could!!!! He thought the same type of things we laughed about in high school were still funny. It was so bizarre to see that after 10+ years of not seeing him he only changed physically but remained completely emotionally and socially unchanged. I have been telling my teens about him this entire week and using him as a true life example of what weed can do to you long term, so at least the date was not a total waste!

My Thirteenth Date.

After telling date number 12 that I was too tired to go for coffee, I called my cousin and met up with her. She took me to a bar/lounge to meet up with some of her friends and she mentioned that one of the guys that would be there is cute, tall, successful and single! When we got there there was a group of 6 of her friends. I met him and he was in fact all of the above. We hit it off right away. We were chatting and flirting and it was going great. He was teasing me about living in suburbia and I was bashing his downtown living. We talked about switching places for a week to be able to appreciate the other person's ideas of living. It was then suggested that instead of switching that we should just both stay at his place for a week and then mine for a week so that we are not lonely... My cousin and her friend were staring at us and pointing so we finally turned to them and asked what they were talking about. She said that she bets that we have exchanged numbers already cause we look like we were having such a good time. So I said "actually we haven't exchanged numbers yet but I am moving in with him tomorrow". He smiled and said it was true. We talked until 2 am and then it was time to go. He walked me to my car and asked me for my number. I gave it to him. He didn't call the next day so I figured he was going to do the 3 day rule like some guys like to do. But its been 3 days and he hasn't called. Guess he's not the one either... Bummer... He was a really nice guy that I actually was interested in getting to know.

Update 3

Its been about two weeks since I heard from my bf or ex or whatever you want to call him... He randomly messaged me yesterday at 8 am my time. He said "hey" and I didn't respond and then 10 minutes later he said "hi?". It took every ounce of my self control not to write back to him. I wanted to tell him that I have missed him, that I think about him all the time and that I love him so much and wish things were different. I figured none of this would have been very helpful so I decided to follow the advice that I often give friends, family and clients... DO NOTHING. Its the simplest/most complicated philosophy that I have. When I am not sure what to do in a situation, I do nothing. This allows me time to think before I act and to play out what would happen if I did something. In this case I realized that the only thing I really want to hear from him is that he misses me so much that he is converting and moving here to be with me. At this point, I don't want to make small talk or hear about what he had for lunch. I feel that it will be impossible for me to give any guy a fair chance if I know that I am running home to get on the phone with my ex right after a date etc. It is very hard for me to avoid talking to him cause I miss him terribly but I am committed to this project and I don't want to screw up what I am trying to do by having him cloud my mind. He asked me for the break and just cause he is done with the break doesn't mean that I need to be. I am still entitled to my space and to do what I have set out to do. If I talk to him I want to be able to say that I have done what I wanted to do and realize that I can not be without you and that you are more important to me then religion and I am on the next plane over to be with you. I am no where near close to saying that and therefore feel that the small talk is unnecessary and cruel to both of our hearts. So I will be the strong one and try my hardest not to talk to him for now. I was so messed up the whole day just from receiving a "hello", that I can't imagine how messed up I would be if we had a whole conversation. I think I am doing the right thing. I know this because it is difficult and it hurts like hell. I hope he is doing okay and I will continue my jdates until I have more clarity about what I want in life....

I got a very interesting email from a girl who is in the exact same situation as me... She took a 3 month break from her non jewish bf to go on jdates. She ended up missing him and after 6 months got back together... I believe that if me and my ex are meant to be then we will be and choosing to talk or not talk right now will make no difference in the larger picture. Thanks for the email J.S. it gave me a bit of hope and strength!!!

My Twelfth Date

So four unsuccessful dates in three days.... I am officially convinced that every guy on here is short and blading and knows someone who does trick photography. He looked HUGE in his pictures. I even told my friend on the way down to the date that this guy was big, tall and built. I am not exaggerating when I say that when I met him for dinner and he got up to greet me, he was maybe as tall as me and I am short for a girl!!! We had a big booth and he looked like a tiny little man sitting at the other side of the table. We ordered drinks. I ordered a drink with no alcohol cause I was driving and cause I don't like to drink anyways. He ordered 2 alcoholic drinks and said that it was okay cause he was walking home. Walking home? He lives like a 30 minute walk from where we were... Anyways, we had dinner, it was pretty good food. I knew I didn't like him so I didn't care how I acted. I used swear words, told him about some of the bad dates I have gone on, talked about my exs... The works! All he kept saying was "you know what else I like about you"... I like that you are so real that you swear when you talk... You know what else... I like that you don't dress in uniform like most girls... You know what else... I like how you wear your hair... blah blah blah. I asked what he meant about the dressing in uniform, he said that most girls my age wear uggs and yoga pants. I said, "well, I wear that all the time". You should have seen him get so nervous and try to get his foot out of his mouth! He then asked me if I ever let a guy pick me up on a first date. I said no, I prefer to drive myself and meet him there. He said "perfect answer! If you had told me that you like when guys pick you up, this would have been our last date!" Really? Is that would have made this our last date??? Then he told me that he thought I was sweet and caring and organized. He told me that he is very intuitive and he can read people very well. I told him that I was none of the above. He said that he could tell that I was just being difficult and he likes that in a woman. Lucky me... After about an hour and a half, I yawned (a pretty large yawn). He turned to the waiter and said "check please, I can tell you are exhausted and that you want to get home". I offered to pay for my dinner. He said no but its good that you offered cause if you had not offered then this would be our last date. Damn, if only I had known that, I wouldn't have offered!!! Now I need a different way out, lol. He asked me if I was too tired to get a coffee and I said that I was and needed to get home.

I was feeling pretty bummed after 4 bad dates so I called my cousin and met up with her and some of her friends. One guy was really nice and we chatted until 2 am. He took my number and we will see if he calls....

My Eleventh Date.

This is beginning to get ridiculous. He looked NOTHING like his picture. Nothing, not even close. When I walked into the restaurant to meet him for lunch, I was thinking that there must be some mistake, someone is playing a cruel joke on me. He was a greasy guy with terrible skinny teeth and a terrible body and just terrible. I was so disappointed. We chatted before the date and he seemed like a really great guy but there was zero attraction. We ordered 2 appetizers cause it was a late lunch. I ordered avo egg rolls and then he said that he would also have the same. So I told him that was silly, we may as well order something else and just share the two things. The waitress recommended a cheese and spinach dip. As soon as she brought them I realized that I was totally grossed out at the idea of sharing food with him. I usually don't care about stuff like that so you can imagine how much he turned me off. I told him that I am just getting over a cold so to please not double dip and that we should both just take some of the dip into our own plates and not share from the middle plate. He told me that he was a mechanical engineer so i imagine that he is quite successful. He told me about passed relationships and that his last gf cheated on him. He told me that to get her back, he hacked into her email account. That made you two even?!?!? So weird! The waitress asked him if he was from a different country because of his accent. So he said yes and then turned to me and said "you see, you have some competition to be with me". Too bad because of the language barrier he didn't understand that she was not complimenting him but rather explaining to him why it was hard for her to understand what the hell he was saying!!I made some kind of comment about my future children and he said "Its our first date, we are not having kids together yet"! Haha, witty.... How about we are not having kids together EVER!!! I tried to make him disinterested as a new tactic to avoid the awkward email or phone call after the date by telling him that everyone cheats and I think its perfectly fine as long as you are not married. Somehow this backfired and made him even more interested. I offered to pay and he said no no, you can pay next time. NEXT TIME??? Really? Can I? Needless to say that was our first and last date.

My Tenth Date.

I learned a new jdate lesson today. His picture was actually really good looking! However, it was a head shot only. We spoke on the phone a bit and I realized that he was a difficult person that seemed quite set in his ways. I could tell that he thought he was good looking by the way he spoke about himself and his arrogant and cocky attitude. I was feeling up for a challenge so we decided to meet. So like I said, his head was very good looking, as for the rest of him... Totally not my type. He was very short, way shorter then the 5'9 he admitted to in his profile and he had one of those small little muscle bodies. His head did not at all match his body. As soon as he saw me and verified that I in fact did look like my picture and that there were no scary surprises, he looked very relieved and relaxed. We met at a dessert place and he looked at the menu and picked (among all the crepes and waffles and ice cream and cakes) a nonfat strawberry yogurt. I was ready to leave. I had my heart set on a crepe with double chocolate ice cream, whip cream and brownies on top. I settled for a hot chocolate. Not because I was worried about what he would think but because I felt like it would be too much of a site to see a man eating his nonfat yogurt while a tiny girl chows down on a huge crepe all by herself! When the drinks came the waiter actually gave me the pink yogurt and him the hot chocolate! Even he thought it didn't make sense!!! He told me that there are three kinds of body types, endo-something or other.... One is more heavy, one is more skinny and one is more muscular. He told me that he was the muscular one so I asked him what I was. He said well I have to get a 360 of you in order to verify that one Sweety. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "Well I'm not fat and I'm not muscular so you have two seconds to pick the correct answer!" The rest of the conversation went okay. We talked mostly about shallow things. No talk about future plans like marriage and children, red flag if a guy does not feel comfortable to talk about that stuff. Also, although he was Jewish, from two Jewish parents, he may as well have been any other religion. He had no clue about Judaism, didn't care about it and didn't care to practice it. That was another huge turnoff. Even my bf who is not Jewish was more interested in it then he was! Anyways, the date lasted about 3 hours, which is pretty long for me and I was kept in good conversation and even a bit of flirting. After the date, he walked me down the street to my friends apartment where my car was parked and he leaned in for a kiss. I let him kiss me but it was not very good. It wasn't a sweet first kiss, it was a shove-a-tongue down my throat kind of kiss. BARF. I was saved by a cute little psychotic Chihuahua who was walking by and started barking his head off at us. Saved by the pup! I went into my friends place cause she had some other friends over for drinks. It was me, four gay guys, another girl, my friend and her bf and lots of alcohol. They all wanted to hear about the date and the guys confirmed that he must be gay and wished I had brought him to the party!! I couldn't stop laughing because while I was on the date I was actually thinking that he would be one of the guy's perfect type! I feel like I would maybe go on a second date with him cause he seems like he knows how to have fun but definitely not my type to date or be in a relationship with. He is dating for fun whereas I am dating for a relationship that leads to marriage. Although his way seems way more entertaining and way less stressful! Something to consider???

My ninth date

You know when they ask the question "how is it that you are 36 years old, very successful but not yet married?" Well, I met the answer tonight for coffee. I arrived a few minutes early to Starbucks(very unusual thing for me) and sat and waited at a table for him to show. A guy passed by the window, heading for the door, and I think I actually said out loud "oh g-d please do not let that be him!" It was him. He looked NOTING like his picture which already wasn't that great to begin with. He awkwardly leaned in for a hug hello. I'm not sure if he could read the disappointment on my face. The picture he put was for sure from 10 years ago, cause now he has grey hair which is thinning out and turning into a huge bald spot like my grandpa's! I ordered a different drink then usual but asked for non fat milk and no whip. He then copied my drink order but said that he wanted it the regular way it came and smirked at me. We sat down and he began to talk all about himself and his achievements and his business. He then proudly told me that he employs people from third world countries and pays them the equivalent of about 70 bucks a week. He told me that is more then they would make at any other job over there so that he is actually doing a very nice thing for them. I said "oh cool". I said that about 50 more times throughout the night. He told me all about his sisters. All unmarried (just like him). If I didn't know that he was talking about his sister I would have assumed it was his lover or girlfriend, kinda creeped me out a bit. Then out of the blue a guy comes over to the table and says hi to him and turns to me to tell me how awesome he is and what great financial advice he gave him just last week. I swear I think he payed one of his friends to accidentally bump into us and "big him up". Tres weird!! Then he told me about all the properties he owns. He told me that he is one of the only people he knows that can just take off from work with out any notice cause hes the boss of his own company. "Oh cool". About a half hour into the date I started to get really fidgety and bored. I was looking around and not paying attention to the nonsense that he was spewing out of his mouth. I wanted to leave. I started to fake yawn and told him that I am sooo tired from working all evening. He said "tired? but we've only been here for half an hour!" Then thank goodness, my trusty Starbucks employee came over to the table to let us know that they sould be closing in 10 minutes! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I could not be happier to get that news! We ended by walking outside and him saying that he had a wonderful time and that it was too bad that we had to end so early, he then leaned in for another awkward hug and I jetted into my car. I thought he was following me for a few blocks but then he turned somewhere and I raced home! The worst part was that my hair looked so good today and it was wasted on this gaydate. I have another one set up for tomorrow night and I am actually kind of excited about it. It can't be worse then todays after all!

My Eighth Date.

This weekend I went with my family to another state for my cousins bar mitzvah. I stayed the night at my friends house and for fun I showed her my jdate account. We searched for guys in that state and I decided to meet one of them. I told him that I was leaving the next day and he said that he would meet me after lunch time, just before I had to fly home. He seemed very sweet and his pictures were very cute. So I figured what the hell! It got me thinking that maybe my bashert is not confined to a 5 mile radius around my community and that perhaps I need to branch out and expand my options. We met and decided to grab a coffee. He looked exactly like his picture (pleasant surprise) and was a gentleman. He was a tiny bit shorter then I am used to but still taller then me and he has an Israeli accent like my dad... Other then those two small things, he is amazing! He helped me figure out how to get to the airport and was very concerned about me getting there on time. We had a good time at coffee and the conversation was great. For the first time I felt the hope that I would be able to have chemistry with another guy other then my bf. We knew that we didn't have much time together and plus the fact that he is Israeli and they are very direct people, he kissed me. It was nice. He sent me off and asked me to call him when I got home. I did. He wants to fly here to visit me in the next week or two. Its kind of exciting and scary. I don't know if he has enough of what I am looking for to be the one but for now he gives me butterflies in my tummy and its a feeling I have been missing for a while. I will keep dating others and see what happens with him. Unfortunately its very common for me to like a guy that will bring complications to my life. Once again, this would be long distance and who knows if he even wants to stay here forever and not move back to Israel eventually. Sooo typical of me!!! I am just going to enjoy the feeling and try to not be typical me and plan for the future and freak out about long term things. Just enjoy and take one day at a time.

Update 2

So I don't know what I was thinking.. this whole thing was WAY to good to be true. I mean whose bf lets them go out on 50 dates to see if she can find her bashert and waits patiently in the hopes that she will return to him. That blew up in my face last week which is why I haven't been blogging in a while. Last week he told me that he was going to be coming to the states from Europe for the Christmas holidays and that he does not want to see me. We had a big argument and I felt like such crap. I was so upset and hurt. We barely ever get to see each other since he moved and now he was going to be so close by and refuses to see me. Then he spent the next few days avoiding me and not calling me. I respected that and didn't try to contact him. Then I got "the email". He said that he wants some space from me and that it is too emotionally difficult to keep talking to me. He doesn't want to hurt me by avoiding me so he is letting me know directly that he just needs some time.

I read the email but didn't respond. There is not a whole lot that I can say back to that. I created this. Even though he agreed to it, I guess he didn't actually realize what he was signing up for. I was very sad and heart broken this week. I have decided to just back off and let him take whatever space he needs. Its the least I can do for him...

In the meantime, I am feeling very resentful of my mother. I keep trying to be rational and to explain to myself that there is no way this is her fault. This is my mess but I guess I need someone to blame and its been her. I feel bad but I can't shake this angry feeling I feel towards her lately. I need to really do some self evaluation and stop blaming my mom and the universe for the situation I created.

This weekend I went with my mom and sister on a trip for my cousins bar mitzvah and had a great time.. things are starting to look up.

Oh ya! And I met a guy in that state and had a great date ;) I will blog about date 8 tomorrow!

My seventh date.

He was tall, handsome and had a great body... Everything was perfect until he opened his mouth!! He spoke with a cross between a 17 year old valley girl and a "stereotypical gay guy". I actually thought he was joking at first but he was NOT! His voice and expressions did not at all match his looks. Of course this would be something I would be able to overlook if the rest of the date didn't go as it did. This guy is a modern orthodox guy. I had never been out with someone who was "more Jewish" then me. He keeps strictly kosher and he keeps Shabbat (no driving, no electricity etc). He started to make his demands on what I would have to do to be able to be his wife. For the first time I really got a clue into how my boyfriend must have felt when I did this to him. I felt like I wasn't good enough and like my ways were less then his ways. I started to feel ashamed for not keeping Shabbat and like I was not a good enough Jew or something. He told me that I would have to start right away by keeping kosher, I would not even be allowed to eat out at a restaurant that was not kosher. I would of course need to start keeping Shabbat because (to quote him using his valley girl voice) "Shabbat just Rocks, ok?" He then proceeded to tell me that he would want at least 5 kids. He also told me that because his family is a Kohen Family (the highest form a Jewish family can be) he has even more restrictions. His wife can not be a widow or a divorcee. He said that in fact there are so many different little rules that it is best I don't even tell him about my past dating history and I keep it "quiet" in the community... Really?? Is that all I have to do to be lucky enough to be with Valley Boy?? Where do I sign up?? Barf!!!! I was so angry (after I got over feeling ashamed) at him! Who was he to tell me all the things I need to change about my life to be worthy enough to be with him. And thats when it hit me. Isn't that what I have been asking my bf to do? I should be feeling angry at myself for making him feel the way this stranger just made me feel. I guess its true what they say, everything happens for a reason and maybe this date happened to give me some perspective on what I am doing to him. He asked me for my number about 60 times through out the date in his whiny valley girl voice and I told him that I would check first with a rabbi that we both know to ask if it would be a good idea. He finally agreed to that and we went our separate ways. Obviously, I didn't even bother asking the rabbi about him because he is NOT for me!!! Once again... I have some soul searching to do...

Update.

I am starting to really question myself. I thought this would be tons of fun and so far it feels painful, depressing and hopeless. So far none of the guys I have met are for me. Date number two lasted a few dates and then he told me that he wanted to stop dating other people, implying that he wanted to get to know me better and only date me. There was no way I was ready to do that. I still had like 45 dates left to go at that point. I told him that I was not ready and I have not heard from him since. I debated calling him and I wondered if I was letting "a good catch" go but whatever is meant to be will be so I decided not to look desperate and not to bother calling him and to just let him go. I was supposed to go out with a guy on Friday night after Shabbat dinner but decided to cancel because dinner ran a little late and I was exhausted. I wasn't too pumped about this guy anyways but I told him we would reschedule for next week.

I have been having very sad conversations with my boyfriend. It is feeling less likely that there is much hope for us working out. The love is there but it feels like we would have to move mountains to make this work. I hope that if anything, I get some sort of clarity and sanity after I go through with the rest of the dates. This weekend I was really debating if I should just stop this silly experiment, pack a suitcase and get on the next plane to Europe... I need to start to use my head, not my heart. So for now I have decided to hang in there and wait for date number 7...