Thursday, December 24, 2009

Update 7

You are not going to believe what happened with date 18 aka Player. After I sent him the text message, I decided to do a bit of digging. I have been dating players most of my life and have become quite the expert at finding out lies and secrets. I noticed that his jdate profile was updated and when I checked it I noticed a few changes.... First change was that he was no longer listed as "single man looking for woman" he was now listed as "divorced man seeking woman". The second change was that he was no longer listed as a "conservative Jew" he was now listed as "Culturally Jewish but not practicing" ( he had told me that he loves Judaism so much and that he would only be married by an orthodox rabbi cause Judaism is sooo important to him). He was no longer listed as having a "Masters Degree" and was now listed as having a "Bachelors Degree" (pun intended!!!).
The best thing I found out by realizing that we have a common friend was that he is also a father on two with joint custody!!!! Hello LIAR! Instead of getting angry I decided to see the positive in this situation. The first positive is that he obviously does have a heart and realized that what he did was wrong and thus changed his profile to be more honest. The second is that perhaps his intentions were to come visit and sleep with a pretty girl but once he met me he realized that I am a sweet respectable girl and he didn't even try to take advantage. The third is that he stopped talking to me right away because if he kept playing me I would have gotten way deeper in and gotten way more hurt at the end. The way I am deciding to see this is that although his intentions were probably bad to begin with, he met me and liked me and realized that he had shot himself in the foot. How could he now come out and tell me that he had been lying this whole time, he took the cowards way out and disappeared. For my own closure and sanity I decided to write him an email. Not sure if it was the right or wrong thing to do but to be honest I don't care cause it makes absolutely no difference!

Here is the email I sent:
I'm not sure if you will read this or not and perhaps you will even read it and have a good laugh. I don't mind. I couldn't possibly feel more foolish then i already do.
I have obviously figured out by now that you are "just not that into me" and normally I would just accept that and move on (even though it has never really happened before). But I feel compelled to tell you that what you did was really cruel and I have no idea why you even bothered to talk to me and then meet me and promise me the world. You completely made up a fake person and told me everything I wanted to hear. I was being totally real with you the entire time and I bought everything you were saying (thats my naiveness I guess).
The reason for this email is not to get anything from you its simply to let you know that you do have a way with girls and have the ability to affect them and surprisingly enough, I was really sad and hurt when you disappeared with no explanation. Maybe I am the one girl who is not too proud to be vulnerable and honest and tell you that I actually liked you and got hurt.That being said, I really hope that you will consider being honest with a girl before you go out with her. Tell her that you are not looking for anything serious and just want to have fun, or stop dating until you are really ready to do all those wonderful things you promised me you would do.
I think somewhere underneath all your baggage you were probably hurt very badly one time and this is how you are handling it. I also think its impossible to totally make up who you are which means some of what you told me must be true. So I do not think you are a bad person and I still wish you all the best and hope one day you will be ready to receive real love and you will be comfortable enough with your truth to tell it to her (whoever she may be).
A part of me wishes we never met, another part wishes you were for real and another part feels that perhaps we met for a reason and maybe that reason is to ask you to please stop playing your game and then maybe you can find real happiness. B'Hatslacha.

I would say that I miss you and really like you but you are not real.

So goodbye...

He removed his profile off jdate the very next day. I never heard from him again which is good. I know what happens to me when I decide I like a guy. I can be convinced of almost anything. In my past I was convinced to stay with guys who cheated and guys who used heavy drugs. More recently I was considering celebrating Christmas (which went against my beliefs) all because of love. And if this guy led me on for long enough, who knows, I may have considered being a step mom at 26 years old!!

No more settling!!! I need to grow up! I can't be a stupid 16 year old who keeps falling for players who will make me question and challenge my own non- negotiable list. No liars, no cheaters, no players, no party-ers, no daddys, nobody else's husbands/boyfriends! No guys that I need to change or mold into my ideal mate. No body that will need to convert to make me happy. No body that will need to stop using drugs or change their life style to make me happy. I will be patient and wait until I find my perfect match, my bashert, my soul-mate..............................


  1. Girrl! tooooo many red flags on the first date! A little too much on the first date. Not surprising he turned out to be a d-bag! Wow, how gracious of u to send that very nice email lol, i would have been lessss nice. It showed your maturity and i truly commend you. Nice one! Love your blog! Love from Nigeria!! xoxo

  2. Can't you step back from the dating scene for a bit and learn to be alone? Celebrate the person that you are! Be happy! Your bashert will come along when it's the right time, and when he sees how happy you are in your own skin, everything will fall into place. At this point, you are overanalyzing way too much and you are beginning to reek of desperation. Men can smell desperation the way dogs pick up on fear. Be careful. You sound like such a lovely, smart young woman but sometimes you are so really should go back over your postings and try to take an objective look at this social experiment thus far. P.S. Guys delete their profiles as quickly as they create new ones, and it's terribly egotistical of you to assume that his deleting his profile had anything to do with you. For all you know, it had a lot more to do with getting caught by a handful of other desperate girls!--or maybe his ex-wife made fun of him? Ha ha!

  3. girl who commented below was a bit harsh...

    whatever happend to the guy you met right off the bat? you said you wouldn't be blogging about him because it was going well, but whatever ended up with him??

  4. I really don't think that you "reek of desperation" like the other post suggested. I think you are just looking for that special person to be with and in order to find him have to go through a lot of different types of guys. I guess the lesson in all this is to stop being so picky about the small things that you've been doing with other guys and focus on the big things; like if they seem genuine, or are playing you, etc. I hope this guy didn't turn you less trusting about dating nice guys. Not all of them are d-bags!!

  5. Hello - I started reading your blog when you first started it but I hadnt read it in a while but I just caught myself back up. I just want to say that I find your story not only entertaining but also very insightful and inspiring. I'm not Jewish so I can't fully understand how important your religion is to you - but I feel your journey/experiment could apply to anyone going against the norm or their family's wishes such as dating someone of a different race, background, beliefs, etc. But I sooo identify with you in the things you look for in a man and things you like/don't like (i.e. being TALL, good looking, having physical chemistry, etc) so I totally feel your pain with dating the losers/duds lol.

    Not that you asked, but here is the advice I would offer:

    1) Stop being so picky. It's one thing to have standards and that's great, you deserve a good man and shouldn't sell yourself short. However, just because a man doesn't totally meet your physical attractiveness requirements doesn't mean you can't grow to like him more over time. Hell, my current bf is like TOTALLY opposite from my ex who I thought was my ideal physical match. And at first it was a problem from me and I didn't think it would work but I hung in there and found that I love him so much and he's wonderful to me and apart from the physical (he's good looking, just shorter and less buff than my ex) i'm more compatible with him intellectually, emotionally and socially than any other guy I've dated in my life (I'm 28). But if I would have gotten stuck on the superficial, i would have never found out what a great guy he is.

    2) I think if your Rabbi didn't totally rebuke you when you explained your situation to him, it means that it can't be that out of the ordinary for a Jewish person to experience what you experiencing. You are not going to go straight to "hell" (or whatever the appropriate term is) or be doomed to live a life of unfulfilled dreams and emptiness. I'm sure there has to be a way to compromise if you truly cant find your Beshert - a way you can still practice your religion and raise your children Jewish yet have a non Jewish husband. Besides, the things that are important to you at 26 may not be as important to you when you are 40,45 and married with children. That's a piece of advice my 49 year old manager gave me.

    You shouldn't limit yourself. You seem like a nice and down to earth girl and you deserve to be happy not to just settle for someone who has the correct resume and credentials and happens to be Jewish just to make your family happy. Not to mention you could find this perfect Jewish man and he treats you like crap or is too focused on his career... or you could find a non Jewish man that has everything else than you want/need. There's an old saying that you don't choose love, love chooses you.

    Just remember there's no law or guarantee that we're all going to fall in love and find our ideal mate - its a matter of luck and timing. Theres lots of attractive and successful women who end up single. I say be young and have fun and you will find your ideal mate when the time is right and you shouldn't stress yourself so much over it.

  6. i don't think you're being picky but it comes across as such because you're not feeling that spark! and when it's not there and you can't put your finger on why you're not feeling it, we tend to over analyse. the second you feel that big spark, the flaws won't matter as much, at least in the biggning. a guy may seem great on paper, but if that chemistry isn't there, it doesn't mean anything....

  7. Do keep posting! I'm following your blog here in london as I go through my own dating ups and downs and its been a real comfort to see someone else going through similar things to me..