Update 5

Since my last update, my conversations with my ex have been more frequent and more intense. We started to say "I love you" again and have opened up about our feelings for each other. I know when this happens, he gets scared and tries to protect himself from getting hurt. This is the same reason that we went on a no talking break last month. In a sick way, I have been waiting for the ball to drop cause things were going to well and starting to feel really nice and comfortable again.

I went to the Rabbis house last night and spoke with him and his wife until almost midnight. I got a lot of insight and had a really interesting conversation with them. I explained that I was so confused and that I couldn't decide if I think that being with a non Jew was a sin or not. I also couldn't decide how I would know if G-d wants me to be with my ex or not. The Rabbi recommended that perhaps I should take a trip to Israel to learn a bit more to clarify some of my questions. He said that for some reason he feels very strongly that I need to go to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem and just pray there. He told me that he thinks I should go as soon as possible. He gave me some really interesting insight into his theories of how G-d tests us and how different things are weighed differently for different people. He told me that he felt that I was being tested right now. He told me to pray for more clarity and I did. Then, talk about divine intervention... I woke up really early today and set out to meet my cousin downtown, but there was a huge snowstorm and traffic was so bad that it would have taken me 3 hours to get there so I turned around and came back home. On the other side of the world, my ex randomly decided to switch his day off with someone and just so happened to be at home today as well. So we spoke. We had both avoided discussing the issue of seeing each other in two weeks over the Christmas vacation. He brought it up today saying that I can not come and that he does not believe that we are meant to be. I felt such a sense of relief. I prayed for clarity and my ex could not have spelled it out anymore clear than that. Although I was a bit disappointed in myself that I did not have the courage to say how I was really feeling about seeing him and I once again left the deciding up to someone else, I still felt relieved. I told him about what the Rabbi had said and I told him that I agreed that seeing each other would be like re-opening a wound. I didn't say much to him on the phone. I was pretty quiet for the most part. He told me that its too painful to keep up the false hope of being together when nothing seems to be changing or pointing in that direction. He had to go to some appointment so he cut the conversation short by telling me that despite everything and despite how I might be feeling right now, he cares about me and loves me. I said okay and hung up.

After I hung up I began to cry. I asked my mom to come to my room and she held me and cried with me. It was the first time that she has been able to truly put her feelings aside and be sad for me just because I was in pain. It felt like I was getting my mom back. I think we really needed that moment after all the resentment and animosity that has been between us for the last 2 months.

I am sad but relieved. I was doing great while we were not talking to each other for 2 weeks and then he had to go and message me and I got roped back in. I have not been able to fully date with an open mind and I recognize this. I have been comparing everyone to him while looking at him in a very perfect light, which made it close to impossible for the first 16 guys. I need the strength to keep myself from talking to him and to help myself to heal.

Although I still don't know what the future holds for me, I owe it to myself and to him to do this right.

So "G-d, please guide me. Give me the strength to do what I need to do to be happy. Please help me along this difficult process and help me find the right path, whatever it may be. Help me love myself and give myself what it is that I was looking to get from my ex. And please (when I am ready)help me find my Bashert (soul mate), who ever he may be". Amen.