Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Update 6

Since my last update about a week ago, I have not talked to my ex. I felt, from the moment that he said I can not come to see him for Christmas, that we were over forever. I have deleted or blocked him for all forms of communication. I have not logged into skype or gchat or msn or anything since that day. I feel a sense of relief. I feel as though he came into my life for a very specific reason. He taught me so much. He made me believe in true love. He showed me what is was like to be treated kindly and with respect. He also showed me how much I love my religion and what I was willing to sacrifice for it. I think that he is one of the most wonderful people in the world (minus his stubbornness) and I wish him only good things. I have a few resentments but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that there is a specific divine reason that he let me go. It was the most bizarre thing. I went to the rabbi, I prayed for clarity, he was randomly home on a day that he usually works and I was randomly awake super early in the morning, and he could not have been more clear in saying that we are done. It felt like the right time for him to say it and the right time for me to hear it. I was way to scared to make a decision and so he made it for us. And for that I thank him. I asked the rabbi why he thought that I wasn't the one to say it and he told me that he believes that sometimes G-d does for us what we are not strong enough to do for ourselves. The truth is that even if he converted, I still had a few other worries about spending the rest of my life with him. We had different goals and dreams. I want to raise a family and although he says he does to, there is a huge part of him that I feel would never be truly happy settling down in Suburbia and putting in the 9-5 hours needed to survive. He is a free spirit and I am a calculated and organized person, that likes to plan for the future. So in the meantime I will keep dating and keep praying for my Bashert (soul mate). By the way, I was a HUGE skeptic of this whole praying thing but it is actually quite therapeutic and helps organize thoughts and for me is actually working. I feel confident that there is a big plan out there for me and that the less I try to control it, the better it will be and the more I will appreciate it. I am strongly considering going to Israel very soon as everything the rabbi has suggested has been a good decision so far.

I read over a bunch of comments left by people and I really just want to say thanks! Your insight has been so helpful and I truly appreciate the support. I agree with all of you who have been saying that there is no way i can fully put myself out there while I am communicating with him and since I have stopped (I know its only been a week but it feels for real this time) I feel more open to finding someone else to be close to. I also have really taken a look at what I want for the future and having a Jewish home and a Jewish family, I have decided, is very high on my list. I need someone who has the same outlook on life as I do and I hope he is out there looking for me right now.

Wish me luck!

1 comment:

  1. really great to hear that you're feeling so much clarity, and that praying has been helpful. it definitely sounds like both of you made the right decision. and it's awesome that you've really thought over what you want, and that you decided you want a jewish home and family for yourself.

    i guess the only I'd add would be that it's ok if there isn't just one b'shert to you, as i feel like often, thinking we have to find "the one" puts a lot of pressure on us to always get it right, and that each dating opportunity will either find the one or not, which is stressful.

    and also, though i love the blog's name, really, now you don't have to limit yourself to 50 jdates. now, you're just a jewish woman, looking on jdate for a jewish man who wants to raise a jewish family. and that's pretty cool :) I, a jewish man, am looking on jdate for the same thing (with genders switched).