Friday, December 4, 2009

Update 4

HELP ME!!! Somebody, anybody! Please get me out of my head! Since my last update, I have spoken to my ex two times in the last week. I miss him. I really think that there is no one else out there that I will fit with as perfectly. But on the other hand I fear what will happen if I choose a future with him and go against my family and my beliefs. I go back and forth all day between the positives and the negatives. I speak to one friend and go home thinking "he's the one! I should screw everything and follow my heart" and then I speak to another friend or family member and think "how could I do this, I will never be fully happy if I do not honor my beliefs." Ahhhh!

After he messaged me last week and I didn't respond, he sent me a sad email. I responded with a rude and angry email telling him to stop being so sad since this was all his fault. He sent me a counter email explaining that I was mistaken and that this was not his fault but a result of me living in fear. Just as I was about to write a counter email, I shut my computer and decided to wait a few days to reply. I went to a very interesting womans workshop, led by an amazing psychologist, and we talked about "bad intentions thinking". I learned a lot and they psychologist actually used my dilemma as the example for one of the exercises. I got a bit more insight into the reasons that it is so difficult for me to make big decisions. In the past I tended to just listen to my parents and do the "right" thing. I never went through the proper adolescent stage of following my friends advice and thinking that they were smarter then my parents. I totally missed that crucial phase and still have an infantile view of my parents being the "smartest people in the world". It actually really messes me up when I think I am hurting or disappointing my parents so it was way easier to just let them make my decisions. Anyways, enough of the psycho mumbo jumbo as my dad likes to call it... I wrote him a totally different kind of email. I told him that I am remaining committed to this 50 date process. I wanted to get away from the finger pointing and blame game and just continue to do what I set out to do. To figure out who I am and what I want. He sent me back a nice email and so it began again...We spoke Sunday for 2 hours and then we spoke for about 4 and a half hours last night.
We talked about some of my fears. We talked about some of his fears. We talked about how scary it was to think that we may never find this kind of love again with other partners. We talked about what it would be like if we saw each other when he came to the States for Christmas.
So that is my new dilemma... do I go and see him over the break? Would that be opening the wound again? Would it make my process more difficult? Am I perhaps meant to see how his family celebrates Christmas to calm some of my fears or to make it more clear to myself that this is not for me? How will I deal with the judgement from my family? Am I supposed to see him regardless of how this all plays out simply because I get one life to live and I just want to see him again....
Why is it so damn hard for me to just make a decision without living in fear of the consequences. Why can't I just stop thinking and just do something without worry or fear or stress?!?!


  1. I really do feel for your situation. It can't be easy thinking that whatever choice you make could be the wrong one. That being said, this is your life! You are supposed to live your life the way you think it would make you happy. Simply put; if you have any reservations about this guy then he is not the one for you. However, if you love everything about him but feel that it's OTHER people who have a problem with him then you need to be with him. This can only go on for so long and although it's admirable that you want to take to your time and make the right decision, your ex may not be as patient and you may miss out on someone wonderful.

  2. I would see him again. Avoiding him and not talking to him was never part of *you're* plan after all. Keep in mind your plan will likely cause you to not ever have an open mind about new dates. Think back--there have been quite a few that have seemed to go well for both you and the date, but nothing ever happened. Are you just going through the motions or really ready to be with someone else?

  3. Can you expand on this view of not questioning your parents? it's really interesting and i totally relate to that. Is there a name for this behavior that i can google?

    As for you seeing him, listen, you have to. it's useless to go on 50 dates if you don't want to be there in the first place.

  4. I think that you should not date anyone because it does not seem like you are fully ready to. When you are on a date, you are always thinking is he as good as my boyfriend which (because you are in love with him or whatever the answer will never be yes). Plus, a first date, and a long relationship can never be compared. Relationships take time to grow and progress and it seems that you do not let it get to that because your boyfriend is always at the back of your mind. You need to psychologically make a decision to move on (to either stop talking to your boyfriend and really start dating (if one goes well continue), otherwise you will continue your 50 dates and find noone even if the best guy (or potential guy comes along). So, its up to you to take some time and make the decision and it is really all in your hands. I feel like you do this because you are scared to be alone so you want to date but you keep your bf as a "backup" incase. This will not work for you whatsoever and you will end up not finding a good guy on these dates (bc you are comparing them to him which was a full blown relationship). I wish you luck on your dates but I truly think that you are ruining it for yourself to see him, speak to him, etc. Its either you are with him, or you or not. If you live in fear of being alone, you will end up alone.

  5. You have to do this process or at least something similar. Or else if you and your "boyfriend" get married then you will spend the whole marriage wondering if you made a mistake. You will question the decision for every holiday and will possibly resent him later for the fact that your children may not have the religious up bringing you would prefer and have spend your life imagining.


  6. Maintain your distance, and take your time alone not only to carry out your plan, but to continue to think about your wants and needs in the long term. That's the only way to make the right decision.

    I would also suggest that it sounds like your boyfriend has some things that he should take the time to think about too -- like why you should be the one to make all of the concessions to make this relationship work (moving to Europe, giving up your religion). Love is a feeling, which is what you're experiencing when you read these sad e-mails or have your hours long chats on the phone, but more importantly it's a verb. You both need to take the time to decide what you're willing to DO to share a life together. If the feelings are real, they'll still be there when you've figured the actions out.

  7. To quote from your first post: "I am not sure if I think I can't marry him because I want to marry a Jewish guy or because of my mother. I have talked to Rabbis and family members and friends and they all say that I need to marry a Jewish guy."

    As you seem to be discovering, you really need to figure out what YOU want, not just do whatever other people think is right for you. It is YOUR life, after all! So, figure out exactly why it's so important to you (OTHER than parental/rabbinical pressure!) that your future husband be Jewish:
    --Is it because you want to raise your kids to be Jewish? Because if it is, your original boyfriend sounds like a fairly open-minded person who might be fine with that. Plus, from what little I know of Jewish law, as long as a kid's mother is Jewish, isn't a kid automatically considered "Jewish" anyway regardless of the father's heritage and/or beliefs?
    -- Is it because you're concerned that if both you and your husband aren't Jewish, your kids won't identify strongly with their Jewish identity, will be more likely to marry non-Jews themselves, and you'll wind up with non-Jewish grandkids, great-grandkids, etc.? This is certainly a valid concern (see, but you'll need to figure out exactly how important it is to you that your Jewish heritage be passed on. Plus, you should consider that your future descendants may well choose to marry non-Jews anyway, so it may not even matter if you start things off by marrying a non-Jew now. Furthermore, even if you and your future husband are both Jews, that doesn't automatically mean that your kids will identify strongly with the religion for sure.
    -- Is it because you want someone to share religious activities with? Again, it sounds like while he wouldn't want to convert, your boyfriend might be willing to, say, go to synagogue or whatever with you.
    -- Is it just because there's some section of the religious teachings you believe that says that Jews should only marry other Jews? Because if you're really all that religious, then you should probably abide by that.
    -- Is it that you're really put off by the idea that you'd have to have any association with Christianity if you married a Christian, as your comment that spending Christmas with your boyfriend's family might make it clearer to you that he's not for you? Because as someone who grew up in a Christian family, I've gotta tell you, Christian holidays really aren't all that onerous. For Christmas, a family will probably just sit around a nicely decorated tree, open some presents, and then spend some family time together, for example. Not that huge of a deal.

  8. I commend you on going through with the dates so far. I have been a follower of your blog for a while now.

    You hit the nail on the head that you have always done what your parents told you to do since it was the right thing. Now is the time to start thinking for YOU. Think of this- whenever you get married to whomever- your heart's choice or your parents' choice- when the wedding is over, flowers are dried and dead, wedding dress packed away- You and only you will be in that marriage with that person- Not your parents nor friends giving you advice nor your Rabbi.

    Listen to your heart AND head. Yes its possible. What values and mores are important to you that you truly truly cannot compromise on? Can you both agree on them? Your ex is not Jewish but what are his views on how to raise kids? Is he willing to participate in raising the kids in the Jewish faith? Go ahead and list those things (values, etc) that you CANNOT compromise on, discuss with him and see how he feels about them.

    If you guys differ too much, then continue your search- yes it will hurt like a b**ch but its for the best. You dont want to question yourself a couple years into the marriage when the 'issues' starts coming up.

    If you find that you agree as best as possible, ditch the 50 j dates and go back to him. Be happy if he's willing to raise your kids in the Jewish faith, but don't ask him to convert for you please. He will resent you eventually. Your parents will be fine- they have lived their own lives and so must you.

    I'm a West African Christian and I dated an amazing Jewish American guy, both of us living in the U.S - I went through the same dilemna and despite a GREAT GREAT relationship- we both could not compromise on our faiths- we decided to ignore it but it remained this 'issue'. We broke up for the best. I believe we did the right thing. Took me a couple years to get over him but it was for the best. Right now, Im in an interracial relationship and having to do the same thing- My parents are not exactly overjoyed but i have to remind myself this is my life- As long as I'm not compromising on those things that are important to me, my parents will be just fine.

    I wish you the very best and the fact that you were willing to explore other options will commendable.
    take care!

  9. Despite the fun and hilarious nature of this blog (you should get a movie deal out of this), you're lying to yourself, toying with your boyfriend's feelings, and wasting the time of JDaters. If your religion meant so much to you, you wouldn't have dated him for so long in the first place. There is obviously a strong enough connection between the two of you, to the point where he is WAITING for you to complete this experiment - such an unselfish act of letting you find yourself (or a potential Jewish soulmate) should be considered a mitzvah. I may even go as far to say, unconditional love.

    After reading your posts, I still don't understand what difference it makes if he does or doesn't convert to Judaism. Shouldn't he convert for the sake of believing in the religion with his spirit, rather than for the sake of just being able put a ring on your finger? I mean, what makes Judaism important to you? Raising children with Jewish tradition and culture is always possible, even with a parent who isn't Jewish - not only does it happen in countless families, but it WORKS.

    Think more about it with yourself. I understand that the approval of your parents is really important to you, but you're 26 years old - maybe they will accept you the way you ARE and not they want you to BE.

  10. talking to your ex = never a good idea. my advice to "help you" - make a decision! if you don't want to be with him LET GO...cut off all ties and let time be your best friend. you will find love again. each love you have is different and unique and appreciated in it's way.

  11. I agree with some of the other commenters. forget about your parents, and even about the arbitrary number of 50 jdates.

    for you, you need to figure out what you want. why is marrying a jew so important to you? figure out those reasons, and then decide whether your ex can fit into that.

    but more importantly, while you're figuring it out, DO NOT have a long-distance relationship with your ex. i happen to think very long-distance relationships tend to be bad anyway, and this one isn't even a full relationship, it's you making yourself feel guilty. while you're dating jews, date jews, and don't talk to your ex, and definitely don't see him on break, it will hurt you even more.