Update 27

My jdate account expires tomorrow and I could not be happier. It was supposed to expire last month but they kept billing my credit card and I only found out by calling that I need to go into my account and un-click the auto renew button... So I will stay logged on most of the day and if someone interesting messages me then I may meet them but after today thats it! Jdate and I need some time apart for a while!! We are going on a break :)

I am proud to say that I have been "date free" for 2 weeks (plus one day, but who is counting)!! I feel like this is an AA meeting, lol. After dating 40 guys and finding something (often shallow) wrong with every single one of them I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I think that if Prince Charming himself rode right by me on a horse, I would find some way to sabotage it at this point in my life. His shirt wouldn't match the color of the horse or something ridiculous like that!

The ironic part of all of this is that my ex (who I still love and miss very much) is not tall or rich or a professional, many of the same reasons I have dismissed so many of these guys. So I think that in some subconscious way I was just trying to find something, anything wrong because my heart is still with him. I think my subconscious logic was that if I am not going to find the perfect guy and I have to settle on something then perhaps I should be with the one I love and settle on religion... I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way that it makes sense that I have been through 40 guys, dated 3 or 4, and had zero work out.

I spoke to my old professor (who taught both myself and my ex and became a friend to many of the students after we graduated) about the whole situation and he sent me back the funniest message....

Wish EX and you could have worked it out. Maybe you will. I'd like to think I would convert for a girl like you, but that would be me. I suppose in the end one has to be true to self. I just hope it doesn't hurt for too long and if he doesn't come calling, a great guy--let's hope silly rich--sweeps you off your feet.

I know it has only been 2 weeks but it feels right to be alone. I feel sad some nights but I know that it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. I don't want to go on anymore F-ing Jdates! I can't! I won't! I am frustrated and annoyed and I might just lose my mind!!I don't want to go for bubble tea or coffee or dinner and stare at my watch or wonder why I have agreed to put myself through hours of annoying, boring conversations.

I have no clue what I am looking for even though I pretend that I do.

I know that I have 10 more dates to go on to get to 50 but I can't run through them like a marathon runner. I am petrified to get any closer to number 50 cause I still have no idea what happens when I get to the finish line. Jdate is not the right place for me to find love right now. It feels forced and unnatural. If I happen to meet someone while I am out and we click then great if not then I will deal with being by myself :)

I have heard everyone's comments. The nice ones and the not so nice ones. It is weird that a bunch of strangers would have an impact on my life and the decisions that I make. I have decided that when I come back from Israel, I need to figure out a way to make more money (either by getting a day job or busting my ass to get more clients). I need to start to look for a condo to buy and move out of my parents house. I love them dearly and they are really good to me but by living here and being somewhat dependent on them they treat me like a child and I, in turn, act like one.

A few things that have happened with past guys this last 2 weeks...

CRAZY GUY: Out of no where, 2 months after not speaking, I get a bbm. We chatted for a bit and he finally got to his point which was very bluntly stated "can we be friends with benefits". Naturally, I freaked out. I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was.... I hadn't slept with him while we were dating why on earth would I want to be his F*#k Buddy? I asked what planet he was on, where girls just ran over when he snapped his fingers! I was livid! He tried to get out of it by saying he just wants to cuddle and watch a movie blah blah blah. I said no. He tried for a few days and then I actually bumped into him. I took my dog and my niece out for ice cream on a busy patio street in our area. He was two doors down having lunch and saw me and came over to say hi. He looked AMAZING. He sat down and made small talk. He was insulted that I hadn't gone over to say hi to him. He messaged me later that night to try one last time. Although after seeing him, I was slightly tempted I decided it would be a mistake to get wrapped up in his drama again. I politely declined.

COP: Haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. He ended up deleting me from everywhere after I didn't talk to him for a few days. I found that he made a new profile on jdate. He says that he is a doctor, actually a surgeon to be exact. He says he loves to dine in the area that we went the last time when the bill was so much that he let the other guy cover it, lol! He basically described that he is the best most perfect catch in the universe. I read it and laughed my ass off!! He is so deranged! What happens when he meets a girl, has no car to pick her up in, doesn't know a thing about medicine and has to take her back to his mom's 1970's decorated basement??? You think she will figure out that he is lying, lol!!!!!

ACCOUNTANT: He has been messaging me since we bumped into each other at the crazy dramatic party 3 weeks ago. We have tried to make plans a few times but it has not worked out. I think he is still angry about what happened with his friend. If he gets over it maybe we will hang out, if not then not :)