Saturday, February 13, 2010

Update 15- "Just Friends"

So since we had our scary relationship talk, things have been going downhill... We both pulled back and were not really communicating at all this week. I saw him one time after our talk and he was very reserved and so was I. We avoided any real discussions and just watched a movie. I could tell that he was freaked out and very afraid of what it might mean to move to the next level with me. I waited patiently and hoped that he would come around. As I waited I realized that I have been here before. My ex fiance (the one before my non Jewish ex) told me right when I met him that he was not the marriage type. I ignored him and invested 5 years into our relationship (from 20-25 years old). I manipulated and tricked him and he proposed. I thought that I had accomplished something! I got the player, the "I will never get married guy" to love me so much that he proposed. But guess what... he was not the marriage type... Just like he told me 5 years earlier! So I thought a lot this week. I need to HEAR what he is saying to me. I do not need to be offended or get insecure. I am the marrying type and if he is not then its good to know now! I thought about the fact that I could probably talk him into it eventually. I thought about taking the pressure off and telling him we can take it slower and that I don't need to be his girlfriend for a long while until he is ready. But I am not 20 anymore. I do not have 5 years to invest just to find out that what he is telling me is the truth and that he does not want to get married. I am not in the stage of my life where I feel the need to convince someone that marrying me will be the best thing ever! When my bashert comes to me, he will want nothing more then to spend the rest of his life next to me. So I waited and decided that his fear and coward attitude was actually a huge turn off to me. I decided that there are too many negatives and that I do not think I want to take on another one of my "projects" at this stage in my life.

And finally after 2 days of not communicating I got the following bbm message:
Hey... So I have been doing some thinking over the last few days and realized that I don't think I can commit. I really like you and like hanging out with you... I have a great time and we laugh a lot and have so much fun but its not fair to you. I thought that I was becoming ready but I don't think I am. I am sorry if I am disappointing you and I am sorry to do this over bbm.

When I got the message I smiled. I had been expecting it. I was more relieved to be clear then to be living in the "what-ifs". Some of my friends were saying "what if he is just busy and needs some space, he will come around"... At least with this message I knew where we stood and I could move on. He was kind enough to let me down easy and not to string me along. He had enough respect to be honest about his feelings instead of lying to me to get me into bed. So in some way I appreciated it. And you can not be mad at someone for how they feel. I felt so empowered by my mature and logical reaction. I said out loud that "this means I am that much closer to finding my soul mate!" I truly believe that! I had a wonderful month with him. I learned some stuff about myself and about dating and about what I am prepared and not prepared to do in a relationship. And I am so proud of myself that I didn't give in and sleep with him. I respected myself and in turn he was respectful to me.

I wrote him back the following message:
No worries! Thank you for being honest with me. I was kind of thinking that our Imagos weren't going to fit :) and I am glad you were the one to say it cause I was too scared! I had fun with you too and hope to hang out one day. Speak to you soon.

P.S. Imago is from the book I am reading "Getting the Love You Want". He bought it for me and so i explained to him a bit about Imago therapy... "We marry someone who is an Imago match, that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of our primary caretakers. This is important because we marry for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Since our parents are the ones who wounded us, it is only they who can heal us. Not them literally, but a primary love partner who matches their traits." Wikipedia

I don't think he was expecting that, lol!
He thanked me for being so understanding. Then later this evening I got a message saying that he was doing some reading for his course and that he would call me tomorrow after it was done. I said cool.

Not sure if he will call or if we will actually remain in contact but I think he is a great guy and I saw that he was an amazing friend to all his friends. So we shall see. I am more excited that I am okay. The way I used to be, if this happened I would be a basket case! I would be crying and not eating and hating everything! And two days before Valentines day!!!

This will be my first single Valentines day in 10 years. Last Valentines day I flew to Europe to be with my ex. We had an amazing time and it really was a day of love. This year I will probably just have dinner with my Ex-Fiance (we are still best friends) and he told me that he doesn't want me to be alone... He knows I get sad about stuff like that! Then maybe I will go to a club with my best friend that is recently single! We have never been single at the same time so I am kind of excited for all the trouble we are going to cause together!!!

So... back to jdate... I have one set up for tomorrow already! Not wasting anytime!!


  1. Awesome post! The whole time I was reading it I was thinking "yeah girl, you're getting it right!" (Well, except for the Vday "date" with your ex... LOL, maybe you can handle that stuff, but I can't.)

    Guys always let you know how they feel if you just listen and watch. It's good you saw this pretty quickly!

  2. he just wanted sex

  3. I doubt he just wanted sex. Good for you for going with your gut! You deserve to have an awesome loving relationship and it's good that you recognized that. It's also very good that the both of you were able to share your true feelings and move past them.

  4. You're so right that you handled it the way you did!! Seems like a waste of time trying to convince someone why you're right for them, when they may not be right for you. You'll find your true love the right way!!

  5. Good job not stressing. but other thought: you shouldn't have forced him to commit to being your boyfriend so early.

    I would have said, you shouldn't have been exclusive so early, but you seemed to ease into that. but you shouldn't have had the relationship conversation so early, you shouldn't have pressured him to commit so early, and maybe you should have even continued to go on a date or two.

    Im like you, I also really really want to find my bshert. but just because you're ready doesn't mean its going to happen immediately, and for me, it's good to have a date or two planned from jdate, even when im really excited about someone, so that I'm less obsessive/crazy about them, until we're both more on the same page emotional commitment-wise.

    good luck, i wish you luck with your upcoming dates.