Update 49

So much has happened since my last update....

I went to a few dress stores. I liked a few dresses but fell in love with a Vera Wang dress that was just ridiculously too expensive. It was hard to like any dress after trying that one on. Until I tried on THE DRESS! I loved it on the spot and didn't want to try anymore on! I booked the venue and the best photographer and a band. Still have a few more things to book. I have been doing most of the planning on my own with the help of my sister, his sister and my best friend and mom. I had a bit of a crazy fight with my sister but that got resolved. He finally came home June 4 at midnight and was too tired to see me. That caused a wonderful fight. NOT! The next day was one of my best friend's weddings and I was one of her bridesmaids. I told him that he needs to meet me there at 6 because I was there from 10 AM doing hair make up, pictures, etc. I hadn't seen him in weeks and I was so angry at him but all that anger went away as soon as I saw him and he saw me all dressed up. We had a fun time at the wedding and I was just so happy that he had finally come home for good and that we would never have to live apart again. The next few weeks have consisted of him working, me planning and LOTS of family BBQs and Brunches and dinners. Then we went to Vegas for a few days cause he had some business there. He had meetings during the day and then we spent the evenings and nights together going for dinner and shopping and walking the strip. It was lots of fun!

Father's Day BBQ was so funny! He got drunk with my dad and they were both laughing and having the best time. It made me soo happy!

Now we are in the process of planning the engagement party. I got my invite list all ready and bugged him for 2 weeks to give me his list and his moms list. I finally got so frustrated that I just sent mine out and told him that I was not going to bug him anymore. He could send his out the day before or not at all, I wasn't prepared to stress over it. I finally got his list and registered for gifts and feel semi ready for the party next month.

Also, we went to look at houses and found the most amazing house in the cutest area. Its not as Jewish as I would like it to be but it is a quaint older area near both our parents and sisters. We both loved it but found out that they were already in a sign back with someone so we could not put in an offer. We were both pretty sad about that. But when we got back from Vegas I noticed it was still for sale so I called and found out that the deal fell through. We are going to see it again tomorrow, fingers crossed!

Things have been pretty good with us considering the stress of planning a wedding. I love him and think we make a great team. We have no problems compromising and working things out and he is pretty calm when I am stressed and visa vera.

I think I am going to have a wonderful life with him and I think I will be a very good wife to him :)

Update 48

A week after we got engaged, we were planning to go to the Bahamas with his mom, his sister and his niece. The day before we were supposed to leave we decided to take his 14 year old lab to the vet because she was drooling a lot and breathing heavy. The vet said that it was an abscess tooth and that he would need to pull it so we left her there to have it pulled. The vet called him an hour later and told him that when they put her under to pull the tooth they noticed a growth in her mouth which was cancer. He almost fell to the floor. He burst into tears and I just hugged him. His dogs mean the entire world to him. The whole reason he is in Florida in the winters is so that his dogs can swim and not slip on ice. He was a mess. He went to go sit outside for a bit by himslef, then I joined him and just let him cry. It broke my heart to see him like that. We decided that his mom and sister and niece should still go to the Bahamas and that we would stay home with the dogs. I am glad that we did that. I think having everyone at the house would have been a disaster while he was in that state. We picked her up the next morning and he just hugged her and cried more. Watching him with her made me cry too. I told him to just stay with her and not to worry about anything else. I cleaned up the kitchen, the garage, the porch and the bedroom. I didn't know what else to do with my self. Every time she yelped in pain he would feel so terrible for her that I told him to go hang out outside while I sat with her and gave her pain pills or tried to get her to eat etc. He just couldn't bare to hear her in pain and I couldn't bare to see him in pain. He said that he didn't care how much it would cost, he was going to make sure she got better. He researched on line and called dog oncologist etc. I let him be crazy for a few days as I don't know how I would react if anything happened to my dog. Then after she was feeling a bit better and he had stopped crying I felt that I needed to talk to him about the reality of curing a 14 and a half year old dog of cancer. I was very gentle and he admitted he knew that it wasn't very realistic. He went to the oncologist and it turns out that they can treat her and they said that she would be cancer free for at least a year, which would take her way past her life expectancy. He was so thrilled with this news and so was I. The only difficult thing for me is that he was supposed to come home but now has to stay in Florida an extra month for her treatment. That means that I have started to plan the wedding alone. I really wish that he could be here to help but I am happy that his dog will be okay. I pray that she lives as long as she can with out suffering or being in any pain. I do worry about what might happen if she passes away near our wedding and if he will be able to celebrate. But like I have learned so many times before, you plan and G-d laughs, so what ever is meant to be will be.

I am having fun wedding dress shopping and a bit stressed out trying to find a venue. I can't wait until he comes home in a few weeks so that we can finally live in the same city and start our life together.

Update 47

My ex found out that I was engaged. He wrote me an email. It actually put a downer on my high. I was feeling so bad for him after reading his sad depressing email. Then I got super angry that I had wasted even a minute of time worrying about how he was feeling when I was supposed to be spending every second celebrating with my fiance.

This was his email:

Its been seven weeks and fifteen months since we went our different ways.
I know you're not there to confide in, but why should I still try to
stay strong?
All my trying to do what's best for me, for you, for happiness, for what?
I keep hearing Sinead O'Connor singing that 'nothing compares to you' song.

I've a bad head, that weighs fear in my decisions.
I make choices with my mind and watch my heart bleed.
I shouldn't say this, but its been seven weeks and fifteen months.
I don't think you know how bad it hurts and it won't recede.

I want to grow old with someone
I want to know that they will never leave me
I want them to know we are in it together, no matter what.
I want to love them so much it hurts and in the end smile

But baby, I'm not smiling through these tears
I don't know how to put my pieces back together now that you're gone
---

Maybe this can end on a happy note. I loved what we had, I don't know
if I will find anything like it again and the fear tears me up still
sometimes.
one day maybe

And then I wrote an angry email back but decided not to even bother sending it:

I have re-read this email many times. Not sure what to write back. So I will just start to write and see what comes out.

Originally when I read this I felt sad. I pictured you in a dark sad place and wanted to rescue you. But that is not my role in your life. I can not spend one more minute thinking about how you are feeling when I am supposed to be celebrating with someone else.

Then after two days my sad turned into mad. I even felt like calling and yelling at you.
The amount of times you tried to push me away, the amount of times I cried over you. I had one thing that was making my decision a living hell and it was conversion. You said you wouldn't do it. Your arrogance and ego allowed you to allow me to go date 50 other men thinking I was going to come back. In fact you were not even sad. You dated and slept with women and flirted and had a ball. Then you contact me on my birthday and got my feelings back to the surface and then ripped my heart out again one more time the following day. It was not until you deceitfully read my blog and found out that I was with D for two months and happy that you decided to contact me and try to mess me up all over again. And still I held you high enough that I decided to try a friendship with you despite possible ramifications with my relationship. And now, NOW that you find out its for real and I am engaged, you decide to wake up and feel sad?!?!?! You are only sad cause you are lonely and I am not and you are the most competitive person I know. If you had someone you would not even realize I was gone. If you love someone and want to be with them you compromise and do whatever it takes to be with them. No games, no chances, no risks. You let fear govern your decisions for most of our relationship and I thought that was normal but its not. I now know what I am willing to do for the person that I am going to marry and that is anything and everything in the whole wide world to make his life easier and better while trusting that he would do the same. After eight days, without fear of rejection or fear of scaring me off, he said he loved me. After 8 months, he bought a ring to make sure I would be his forever, without fear of judgement that it is "too soon". Without hesitation I agreed to move to Florida with him knowing that it is not my ideal situation but that it is so important for him to make sure his old dogs do not suffer through the winter. When you find the right girl you will do anything to be with her and you will never take the chance of willingly letting her go. I was obviously not your "the one" or none of this would have happened and we would still be together, which means, she is still out there somewhere. And ever though I don't even feel like saying this next sentence or saying anything positive to you I still will because at one point you meant the world to me. Get the F out of bed, out of your dark head and into the world. Go do something, anything. Start loving yourself again like you did when I knew you and then you will attract an awesome girl. Take the lessons that you need from our relationship, don't copy your mistakes, and then you will able to move on in no time at all.

I still haven't responded and have no idea what to say to him. Its been 11 days since he wrote back and he probably thinks I am ignoring him. I'm not I just have no clue what to write. I shared both emails with my fiance. I don't want to feel like I am hiding anything or being disrespectful to him. He said that he felt bad for my ex but he is happy that we didn't work out so that he could have me :)

Update 46

My bf was not able to come in for passover so I decided to go visit him in Florida after the seders. My flight was Saturday night but it got delayed, obviously. So I had to go to an airport that was an hour and a half away from his house and I only arrived at midnight. He was so sweet, he picked me up with a bouquet of pink roses. We drove back to his house and he told me that he had a surprise for me in the back yard. He asked me to wait inside for a few minutes. We had talked about putting a pond in the side yard but decided that it was not a good idea since we have dogs and eventually kids. Last time I saw the yard it was just a pile of mud. He brought me outside and I saw that he had landscaped the entire yard. He put grass, planted palm trees, built a low wall out of stone and planted every single pink plant and flower he could find. He put a fountain and benches and made it into a beautiful serene garden for me. He told me that he did everything himself and made it so that I would feel more like his house was my house and wanted me to have my very own special area. He had lit candles all over the garden and brought out a bottle of wine and two glasses. I had complained that he never wrote me a love letter, so of course he handed me one. It was such a nice note that I almost started to cry.

He had been preparing me that he was designing a ring for me that would look like a roller coaster. Every time he described it to me I had a mini panic attack. I didn't want him to think that I cared too much about a ring but the ring he described sounded terrible. So he pulls out a small pink box from his pocket and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He opened the box and inside was the ugliest ring I had ever seen. I gave him a huge hug and said that I wanted to marry him too and that I love him so much. I tried not to look at the ring too much. He told me that he put an inscription in the ring and that it was the most importnat part. I tried to read it but it was too dark. He went inside to get me a flashlight. While he was inside I stared at the ring and wondered how I could break the news to him that it was not my taste and that I really didn't like it. With the flashlight I read the inside of the ring. It said "JJ". Which is something I always say which stands for "Just Joking". I looked back up at him and he had the most amazingly beautiful ring in a big box. He handed it to me and said "Did you honestly think I wanted my girl walking around with an ugly ring like that??" I jumped into his arms and hugged and kissed him. He told me that as of now I need to trust him and his taste! He also said that the ugly ring was the best 37 dollars plus shipping and handling that he had ever spent and it was worth every sleepless night it caused me to be able to give me the real ring and have me love it and not ever doubt him again. By this point it was already 3 am and we celebrated all night long :) It was the most thoughtful and wonderful proposal. I could not have asked for a better proposal, ring or man.

I couldn't sleep! I was so excited! I waited up until 9 am Sunday morning so that I could call and tell my parents. My mom was so excited she called every single person she knows. My dad said that she was on the phone all day calling all over the world. My entire family was so excited and happy for me. We spent the next few days in pure bliss and in love like teenagers! It was so wonderful. I am so in love with him. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world! We adore each other and we are such a great supportive loving couple.

Update 45

It has been almost two months since my last post. My blog is still blocked and I have not yet decided what I want to do with it. Things are still going great with my bf. I have been back to Florida once and he has been here once. The last time I went I got to meet his other sister that has been away at law school. She was the last family member for me to meet! She was just as lovely as the rest of the family. Even though she is 3 years older then me, it still felt like I was older and she agreed! She is still in school and living the student life while I have my own career and am dating an older guy and am ready to start my life. The five of us had a great time... (his mom, sister and her bf). Two of the nights he told them that they could join us for the car ride to dinner but that they had to pick their own restaurant cause he wanted to spend time alone with me. I thought that was really thoughtful of him. I think its nice when he does romantic things like that :) We just had a great week while I was there!

I also had to have a very difficult discussion with him. This winter he brought his mom with him to florida for the entire winter. He asked me if I would start coming as of next winter and I told him that I would. I also had to tell him that as much as I love his mom, I am not comfortable with living with her for half a year every year. We talked about it and he assured me that she wouldn't be coming for the whole winter next year just a few times to visit. I was happy that I spoke up and shared my feelings with him and that he was willing to compromise with me.

He came here last week and had a ton of work to do. It was one of my good friend's weddings so I asked him to come in. on the Thursday he decided to take off the afternoon and take me to a hotel in a city 2 hours away. We stayed most of Friday as well and then came home to babysit his niece. We took her with us to my grandmothers house for shabbat dinner. She sat in between us and we both took turns feeding her. He is amazing with her and I got a little glimpse of what parenting would be like with him. He will be a wonderful father and parenting partner for me. The next day was my friends wedding and we decided to get another hotel downtown near the venue. We had such a good time at the wedding! We even crashed another party that was in the other ballroom. We drank a bit together and danced like crazy! It was a really great night! We also went to see a few models homes just for fun and to get an idea of the prices in the area I want to live in. I realize that finding the perfect house with him is going to be a daunting task. He is the son of an amazing architect and he notices every last detail. He has so many requirements that I really wonder how we are ever going to find a house that he likes. Believe it or not, I am not the picky one here!!!

Now he is back in Florida and he told me that he is working on a special surprise for me. There is an area of his backyard that he was going to turn into a pond (but I hated the idea since we have dogs and eventually kids) so he is turning it into a tranquil/romantic spot for us. He said he is even naming it after me because it is turning out to be so beautiful :) I knew he was handy but I didn't realize he was soo handy! He is laying grass, planting trees and even built a brick wall with his own two hands!! I am going there in 2 weeks and I can't wait to see it!

We are talking very seriously about marriage and I hope that he will propose very soon!

My grandfather went into the hospital this week and because he can't be left alone we have all been taking shifts. Last night I was there from 1 am til 6 am and he started to give me and my sister life advise. It was really cute but I think he was seriously doped up on meds. He told my sister that she needs to hurry up and have a baby because she has already been married for 6 months and that I need to hurry up and get married because he is not sure how much time he has left and he wants to see a few more simchas before he goes. I told him that there would be more simchas coming for him in the next year or so and that he has lots to look forward to. He is so funny!

Update 44

So I guess the way my community works is that one person broke my anonymity and disclosed to the group that I lectured that I had a blog. That night I had an insane number of hits on my blog and by the next day I was getting calls and emails from guys that I had blogged about who had seen my blog, read through it and were able to identify themselves and were NOT happy. So I quickly blocked the blog cause I didn't know what else to do... I love writing the blog and got a bunch of emails from people who were quite upset that I blocked it and on the other hand, I don't want to offend people and I don't want everyone in my community to think that I am some mean girl with a burn book! So I am torn.

Valentines Day weekend...

I flew to Florida. On my way I missed a connecting flight due to weather and had to stay over night and the airline didn't even want to pay for my hotel. I made the best of it. I found one of my cousins that lived in that city and hung out with him until my flight the next day. Mean while when I told my bf that I had missed my flight and wasn't coming in until the next day he was so upset. Like more then necessary and I couldn't figure out why. The next morning I arrived in the Miami airport and he made up some story about needing to go pick someone up from the fort Lauderdale airport which I was super annoyed about cause I didn't want to spend V-day with anyone but him. Plus I was super tired and irritated about missing my flight and waking up at 5 am to catch the early flight to Miami. When we got there, he parked and took my bag and his bag into the airport. At this point I realized that he had booked us a flight somewhere else!!! We literally just made the flight because of my delayed situation! He wouldn't let me see where we were going, he just put me on the plane and I found out that we were on our way to Bahamas for the weekend! We had the best time. We rented a car and explored the island. We went to local places to eat and met the most amazing Bahamian people. Since he hates going to "Touristy areas" he always finds the best food that the locals make. The fish was to die for!!! We met another american couple and had dinner with them one night too. He also got me beautiful diamond earrings for Valentines day and for our six month anniversary (just happens to be the same day!) He really treated me like a princess the entire weekend. We got to Florida and I hung out with his mom and sister and niece (who were also visiting him) for a few days and then headed back home. I have never been treated so well in my life. He is amazing to me and I am so happy that I am with him. I can't wait til winter is over and he moves back home so we can start the next part of our lives together.

this past weekend I went to Las Vegas for my girlfriends bachelorette party. It was insane!!! We were 12 girls and we had a really great time. But I missed him terribly. Although I was having fun I did not wish to be single again, not for one second. I did not envy the girls who were making out with random guys on the dance floor. I was happy knowing that I have my bf and that we love each other. This was a huge test for me too... In past relationships I have been quite tempted in Vegas and this time not even for one second.

I have had a few people approach me and email me wanting to get relationship advice. I am strongly considering doing a course and combining the course with the fact that I have been a counselor and life coach for 7 years and possibly doing some relationship stuff on the side. We shall see where life takes me :)

Update 43

He came in last week for 6 days to be with me. He stayed with me at my parents house which was so nice! I loved having him next to me again while I slept. He had a crazy busy work week so we didn't spend that much time during the day together but we spent every evening together. He was a bit crabby for the first 2 days because of the miserable winter weather and because of stress at work etc. His mom called me to see how I was doing and I told her that her son was being a misery. She immediately called him and gave him a lecture which he told me about the next day! She told him that I am the best thing to ever happen to him and that he better stop being crabby and not scare me away or else he will have to answer to her! I thought that was so sweet of her and so did he! He said that his mom has never really cared for any of his ex girlfriends and he was so surprised to get this lecture from her. After they spoke he was back to his sweet self. We had a great time together. We had dinner one night with my sister and her hubby and my bff and a guy she is kinda dating. Friday night he came for shabbat dinner to my grandmother's (dad's mom) house and then for dessert to my mom's sisters house. Saturday we spent the day with his niece and ran errands. I got to see how we work together as parents and I think we will do a great job one day! He is amazing with her and she adores him and loves spending time with us! I even surprised him by setting up our massage table in my room so that we could give each other professional massages, it was such a great idea! Now we are apart for 5 days until I go visit him in Florida for Valentines Day weekend/ our six month anniversary. I wonder what he has planned for us! I love him so much!

Also, I was asked to do a lecture on finding your soul-mate with out settling and share my story with a group of single Jewish girls around my age. I did it today and it was amazing! There were about 45 girls who showed up and one girl even happened to be a follower of my blog. What are the odds!! I wasn't going to mention my blog cause its very important to me to stay anonymous but she recognized my story and it kind of got out... I really hope that it doesn't leak out to any of the 45 guys I dated cause I would feel terrible if any of them found out. The girls that were there all reminded me of myself when I was struggling to find my match. The questions they had were the same questions I found myself asking just a few months ago. I wish I could give everyone the gift of faith and patience to be able to a) believe he is out there and b) be able to wait for him without going crazy!

I will update after Valentines day! I wish everyone a happy Vday weekend!

Update 42

Happy New Year!!!!

I'm back from Florida and back to the cold and back to work :( In a few days it will be 5 full months that we are together and 6 months on Valentine's day!!!

My bf is still in Florida and will remain there for most of the winter with his mom. It is not as difficult as I thought it would be and we are talking a lot on the phone and he is catching up on all the work that he didn't do while I was there. He is coming home for a bit to see me end of January and I am sooo excited!

Florida was awesome. Our moms got along fabulously and all four of us had a great time. My mom was so impressed with his cooking, she has been talking about it to everyone, lol. We did some shopping, ate out alot and swam and sat by the pool and just enjoyed the weather. We also went to visit my moms mom, who lives in Florida in the winter too. She made all four of us lunch and although I was nervous about it, it went very well. She wasn't too annoying and didn't say anything inappropriate like "when are you two getting married? I am getting older and I want to know that all my granddaughters are well taken care of. For all you know I could die very soon and miss the wedding!" His mom and I got along great which is something that means the world to me after what I went through with my ex finance's mother. And he got along great with my mom which also means so much to me after how she felt about my non Jewish ex.

We had one interesting argument while I was there. He said that the one thing he will not give up even when we have kids is bacon. I said that he could eat it but not in our house or in front of our children. He said that was very hypocritical and he had no intension of living like a hypocrite. He is usually so easy going and so I was shocked that he would be stuck on such a dumb thing like the three times a year he likes to make bacon at home. I'm not sure how it ended but i think something about his own bacon pan that he can use in the garage, lol!!!

I was a bit irritated because one of the reasons I wanted to marry Jewish was to avoid things like this and it just shows me that there will still be religion issues even if I marry a Jewish person.

I spoke to my ex again. He seems lost. He said something about quiting his job and going to Bali to surf. I feel sad for him. He says he is fine and that he is excited for some adventure but I know lost when I hear it and he is definitely seeking something by making all these changes. He sounded very "eat, pray, love" to me. But it not my problem and I didn't try to help him or solve anything for him. I listened for a bit and then told him that I had to go because I was with my best friend watching Desperate Housewives. If you would have told me 6 months ago that one day watching TV would be more important then talking to him I would have told you that you were crazy. I can't believe how much my feelings changed. I am so indifferent to him. I feel nothing. I wish him the best cause he is a great guy but his life has no effect on mine what-so-ever, which is weird cause there was a time when everything he did and said directly effected my life.

I am so excited to move forward in the relationship that I am in. We have already talked about marriage and children and where we would live etc. It is so amazing to be in a relationship that doesn't have you constantly questioning "is this right for me". It feels right and I have no reason to question it.

The winter is going to be hard cause he is not here but so far so good. One week down and like 10 more to go :(

I think I am being a good sport about it and we will visit back and forth and hopefully the winter will fly by and he will come back home soon! I miss him and I am counting down til his visit in a few weeks.

Thats all I can think of now! I hope everyone had an awesome new years and Hanukkah and Christmas!