Saturday, May 7, 2011

Update 47

My ex found out that I was engaged. He wrote me an email. It actually put a downer on my high. I was feeling so bad for him after reading his sad depressing email. Then I got super angry that I had wasted even a minute of time worrying about how he was feeling when I was supposed to be spending every second celebrating with my fiance.
This was his email:

Its been seven weeks and fifteen months since we went our different ways.
I know you're not there to confide in, but why should I still try to
stay strong?
All my trying to do what's best for me, for you, for happiness, for what?
I keep hearing Sinead O'Connor singing that 'nothing compares to you' song.

I've a bad head, that weighs fear in my decisions.
I make choices with my mind and watch my heart bleed.
I shouldn't say this, but its been seven weeks and fifteen months.
I don't think you know how bad it hurts and it won't recede.

I want to grow old with someone
I want to know that they will never leave me
I want them to know we are in it together, no matter what.
I want to love them so much it hurts and in the end smile

But baby, I'm not smiling through these tears
I don't know how to put my pieces back together now that you're gone

Maybe this can end on a happy note. I loved what we had, I don't know
if I will find anything like it again and the fear tears me up still
one day maybe

And then I wrote an angry email back but decided not to even bother sending it:

I have re-read this email many times. Not sure what to write back. So I will just start to write and see what comes out.
Originally when I read this I felt sad. I pictured you in a dark sad place and wanted to rescue you. But that is not my role in your life. I can not spend one more minute thinking about how you are feeling when I am supposed to be celebrating with someone else.
Then after two days my sad turned into mad. I even felt like calling and yelling at you.
The amount of times you tried to push me away, the amount of times I cried over you. I had one thing that was making my decision a living hell and it was conversion. You said you wouldn't do it. Your arrogance and ego allowed you to allow me to go date 50 other men thinking I was going to come back. In fact you were not even sad. You dated and slept with women and flirted and had a ball. Then you contact me on my birthday and got my feelings back to the surface and then ripped my heart out again one more time the following day. It was not until you deceitfully read my blog and found out that I was with D for two months and happy that you decided to contact me and try to mess me up all over again. And still I held you high enough that I decided to try a friendship with you despite possible ramifications with my relationship. And now, NOW that you find out its for real and I am engaged, you decide to wake up and feel sad?!?!?! You are only sad cause you are lonely and I am not and you are the most competitive person I know. If you had someone you would not even realize I was gone. If you love someone and want to be with them you compromise and do whatever it takes to be with them. No games, no chances, no risks. You let fear govern your decisions for most of our relationship and I thought that was normal but its not. I now know what I am willing to do for the person that I am going to marry and that is anything and everything in the whole wide world to make his life easier and better while trusting that he would do the same. After eight days, without fear of rejection or fear of scaring me off, he said he loved me. After 8 months, he bought a ring to make sure I would be his forever, without fear of judgement that it is "too soon". Without hesitation I agreed to move to Florida with him knowing that it is not my ideal situation but that it is so important for him to make sure his old dogs do not suffer through the winter. When you find the right girl you will do anything to be with her and you will never take the chance of willingly letting her go. I was obviously not your "the one" or none of this would have happened and we would still be together, which means, she is still out there somewhere. And ever though I don't even feel like saying this next sentence or saying anything positive to you I still will because at one point you meant the world to me. Get the F out of bed, out of your dark head and into the world. Go do something, anything. Start loving yourself again like you did when I knew you and then you will attract an awesome girl. Take the lessons that you need from our relationship, don't copy your mistakes, and then you will able to move on in no time at all.

I still haven't responded and have no idea what to say to him. Its been 11 days since he wrote back and he probably thinks I am ignoring him. I'm not I just have no clue what to write. I shared both emails with my fiance. I don't want to feel like I am hiding anything or being disrespectful to him. He said that he felt bad for my ex but he is happy that we didn't work out so that he could have me :)

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