Update 27

My jdate account expires tomorrow and I could not be happier. It was supposed to expire last month but they kept billing my credit card and I only found out by calling that I need to go into my account and un-click the auto renew button... So I will stay logged on most of the day and if someone interesting messages me then I may meet them but after today thats it! Jdate and I need some time apart for a while!! We are going on a break :)

I am proud to say that I have been "date free" for 2 weeks (plus one day, but who is counting)!! I feel like this is an AA meeting, lol. After dating 40 guys and finding something (often shallow) wrong with every single one of them I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not ready to be in a relationship. In fact, I think that if Prince Charming himself rode right by me on a horse, I would find some way to sabotage it at this point in my life. His shirt wouldn't match the color of the horse or something ridiculous like that!

The ironic part of all of this is that my ex (who I still love and miss very much) is not tall or rich or a professional, many of the same reasons I have dismissed so many of these guys. So I think that in some subconscious way I was just trying to find something, anything wrong because my heart is still with him. I think my subconscious logic was that if I am not going to find the perfect guy and I have to settle on something then perhaps I should be with the one I love and settle on religion... I know it sounds crazy but that is the only way that it makes sense that I have been through 40 guys, dated 3 or 4, and had zero work out.

I spoke to my old professor (who taught both myself and my ex and became a friend to many of the students after we graduated) about the whole situation and he sent me back the funniest message....

Wish EX and you could have worked it out. Maybe you will. I'd like to think I would convert for a girl like you, but that would be me. I suppose in the end one has to be true to self. I just hope it doesn't hurt for too long and if he doesn't come calling, a great guy--let's hope silly rich--sweeps you off your feet.

I know it has only been 2 weeks but it feels right to be alone. I feel sad some nights but I know that it is the best thing I can do for myself right now. I don't want to go on anymore F-ing Jdates! I can't! I won't! I am frustrated and annoyed and I might just lose my mind!!I don't want to go for bubble tea or coffee or dinner and stare at my watch or wonder why I have agreed to put myself through hours of annoying, boring conversations.

I have no clue what I am looking for even though I pretend that I do.

I know that I have 10 more dates to go on to get to 50 but I can't run through them like a marathon runner. I am petrified to get any closer to number 50 cause I still have no idea what happens when I get to the finish line. Jdate is not the right place for me to find love right now. It feels forced and unnatural. If I happen to meet someone while I am out and we click then great if not then I will deal with being by myself :)

I have heard everyone's comments. The nice ones and the not so nice ones. It is weird that a bunch of strangers would have an impact on my life and the decisions that I make. I have decided that when I come back from Israel, I need to figure out a way to make more money (either by getting a day job or busting my ass to get more clients). I need to start to look for a condo to buy and move out of my parents house. I love them dearly and they are really good to me but by living here and being somewhat dependent on them they treat me like a child and I, in turn, act like one.

A few things that have happened with past guys this last 2 weeks...

CRAZY GUY: Out of no where, 2 months after not speaking, I get a bbm. We chatted for a bit and he finally got to his point which was very bluntly stated "can we be friends with benefits". Naturally, I freaked out. I asked him what kind of girl he thought I was.... I hadn't slept with him while we were dating why on earth would I want to be his F*#k Buddy? I asked what planet he was on, where girls just ran over when he snapped his fingers! I was livid! He tried to get out of it by saying he just wants to cuddle and watch a movie blah blah blah. I said no. He tried for a few days and then I actually bumped into him. I took my dog and my niece out for ice cream on a busy patio street in our area. He was two doors down having lunch and saw me and came over to say hi. He looked AMAZING. He sat down and made small talk. He was insulted that I hadn't gone over to say hi to him. He messaged me later that night to try one last time. Although after seeing him, I was slightly tempted I decided it would be a mistake to get wrapped up in his drama again. I politely declined.

COP: Haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. He ended up deleting me from everywhere after I didn't talk to him for a few days. I found that he made a new profile on jdate. He says that he is a doctor, actually a surgeon to be exact. He says he loves to dine in the area that we went the last time when the bill was so much that he let the other guy cover it, lol! He basically described that he is the best most perfect catch in the universe. I read it and laughed my ass off!! He is so deranged! What happens when he meets a girl, has no car to pick her up in, doesn't know a thing about medicine and has to take her back to his mom's 1970's decorated basement??? You think she will figure out that he is lying, lol!!!!!

ACCOUNTANT: He has been messaging me since we bumped into each other at the crazy dramatic party 3 weeks ago. We have tried to make plans a few times but it has not worked out. I think he is still angry about what happened with his friend. If he gets over it maybe we will hang out, if not then not :)

My Fortieth Date

This date was about a week and a half ago but I just haven't gotten around to writing about it... yes, it was THAT interesting!

I'm not sure if you recall the party from hell 3 weeks ago but there was one more missing piece. A few days after the party I got a facebook message from some guy saying that he saw me at the party, thought I was pretty and didn't have enough time to come say hello. But we have a mutual friend that told him my name and so he looked me up and asked me out.

I found out that he was an anesthesiologist and he was good looking in his pictures and seemed nice on the phone. So I decided to meet him.

I think he might just be the best in the business.... Let's just say that he didn't need any anesthesia to put me to sleep on our date!!!

Holy Boring Batman!!!!

We met for bubble tea, obviously. We ordered right away and got straight to talking... about anesthesiology.... yay! One of my all time favorite topics to discuss! He told me all about med school and residency and "funny" stories about patients in the operating room. HAHAHAHA, shut the F up!!!! I wanted to shoot him, like in the face!!! How can someone not know that it is not interesting or cool to talk all about yourself and what you do especially since I am not a doctor and have no interest in the wonderful world of anesthesiology! He told me about his past with dating girls and how he is always the one that gets hurt and that most girls don't get his humor and wit... Do you start off all your relationships with that introduction???? Maybe if you tell me that, I will want to be the one girl that is different than all the others who really tries to get your self centered-ness and hilarious operating room humor!! How is that intro working for you??

The bill came, not soon enough, I offered to pay, he made a dumb fake laugh and said "as if I can't afford $10 bubble tea". As if you could please hurry up, pay the bill, and get me the hell out of here!!! He walked me to my car, even though I told him not to. At the car he leaned in for a kiss and I gave him my cheek. He asked if I wanted to go for sushi with him next week. I said "I'm not sure... we will see how busy I am next week". (And how masochistic I am feeling to want to put myself through another few hours with you!) he said "wow, so I guess this date was about a 6 out of 10 for you". I had no idea what he meant by that so I just smiled and jumped into my car. Like actually did a running leap!

He waited the standard "don't want to look too desperate" 3 days to call. He left a message but I didn't call him back. He then called a second time 3 days after that but did not leave a message. Haven't heard from him since.

BTW, What is with that 3 days waiting period? Only the desperate guys with no self confidence are the ones who wait the 3 days hoping not to look desperate and like they lack self confidence... oxy moron I guess...

Update 26

The last time I saw my ex was just over 7 months ago when I left him at the airport for him to fly back to Europe. I was hysterical. I cried so much at the airport and for a few days following. I had a strong feeling that it was going to be last time I would ever see him again.

This week my best friends boyfriend moved back to Israel. Her tears brought back a lot of memories and pain for me. I remembered exactly how I felt when he left. I still think about him every single day even though I have not spoken to him in over 5 months. I thought that I would have no problem finding another guy to fall in love with but 38 guys later and I just don't feel the same way about any one else. I may just be extra emotional this week cause I am PMS-ing to the max but I have missed him this week more then usual.

My best friend's parents hate her boyfriend. He is Jewish but they hate him for other reasons. My best friend decided that despite how her parents feel, she plans to marry him and be with him forever. I envy her strength and ability to say screw everyone else, I am fighting for love. I didn't have the courage to do that and I still don't think that I do...

I still haven't slept with anyone since my ex... yes, that means I haven't had sex in over 7 months, fml!!!

My sister is away this week and I am house sitting for her. I decided that maybe I need to sleep with someone else to break the tie and connection that I have to my ex. I had it all planned out. I asked the cop to sleep over at my sisters house with me Friday night. He agreed to come over after we went to a movie. When the movie was over, I started to panic. We went to his house so that he could get his toothbrush etc. and I totally freaked out. I actually think I had a mini anxiety attack. I just couldn't picture having sex with him. I told him that I was getting really tired and that I would need to go to sleep right when we got home. He said that was fine with him. Then I tried telling him that I had to be up super early. He said that was okay too. Then I just said that I wasn't feeling great and maybe it would be better if I just went home by myself and got some rest. He said no problem. I went home alone. I was relieved that he didn't sleep over. In fact I think I may have seriously regretted sleeping with him. I noticed that I have been very distant with him this whole week and I feel bad cause he is starting to pick up on it...

Then tonight we went out for dinner with my best friend and one of my close guy friends. He was being awkward the whole night and not social at all. It was a niceish restaurant and I could tell that he was quite uncomfortable. He even told me that he did not want to go to the club after dinner cause all of this "is not his scene". I told him that was fine with me and that I would go with my friends and he could go home. When the bill came my guy friend put in 150 to cover himself and my best friend and me. The cop put in the remaining 50. I couldn't believe that he let another guy pay for me. I was so embarrassed. I have been feeling like I'm "just not that into him" for the past few days. I am waiting to see if its PMS or if I really don't want to be with him. I don't want to lead him on or hurt him so I need to figure something out soon...

Wow, dating is really stressing me out!!!!!

Seeing date 38 again tomorrow and I might see the accountant this week....

I am also working at my sisters job while she is away for 2 weeks as well as my own job so I am exhausted physically and mentally! Some of my days are 13 hours... One week til she is home and then life goes back to normal (whatever that means). I have learned that I really miss living on my own and having my own space and I also miss being super busy with work. I may decide to buy a condo and get one more part time job when I get back from Israel this summer. I need to make some changes cause I am not so happy right now...

Sorry for this Debby Downer update, hopefully I will snap out of it soon!!!

My Thirty Eighth Date

Facebook suggested that I add him as a friend because we had so many friends in common. So I added him and we chatted over facebook for a few weeks. He went on the same organized trip that I am going on this summer to Israel so we talked a lot about that. We decided that it was time to meet. We exchanged numbers and bbms and set a date for Sunday after work. I got there a few minutes earlier than he did so I grabbed a table. The waitress winked at me because I always come there with a different guy. I can only imagine what she must think of me, lmao!! He walked in and spotted me right away. He was cute and the date was fun. I didn't even realize how much time had passed! The waitress came over and asked if I wanted what I normally get... I was so embarrassed!! I found out that his mom was my third grade math teacher and we did some more Jewish geography and realized we have many friends in common. We talked about what we both do for a living and all the trips we had been on. He is a very adventurous guy and has been on some crazy and exciting trips around the world.

I felt a bit bad because the cop called me and messaged me a few times while I was out with this guy. I know I am allowed to date but I think he would be very upset if he knew that I was...

I hope that it is not decision time yet cause I am not ready to make a decision about the cop....

I am having so much fun with him its insane but I am not quite sure that I want to be his girlfriend or be committed to him.

Update 25

Saturday night I went to a fundraiser/party for cancer research. I knew that there would be a lot of young Jewish people there because of the organization that puts this party on once a year. But never in my wildest dreams did I expect this much drama in one night...

Ok, where should I begin. I saw date number 19. It was pretty awkward. He ran up to me and was sooo excited to see me. I talked to him for a bit and then told him that I had to go find my friends. He kept looking over at me and smiling the whole night...

Number 13 was there, the guy who never called me. One of his friends was hitting on me and added me to facebook the next day. All of a sudden he was being so nice and sweet and wanted to know how I was doing etc. So fake.

Next, I had this girl come up to me and say "you look familiar"... Then she asked me if I ever went on a date with a guy named "number 30" I said I did. She said "I hope you know that he was my boyfriend still when you two went out". I told her that I obviously didn't know that or I wouldn't have gone out with him. I also told her that it was one date and he was not my type. She was asking all kinds of questions like where did you guys go, what did he say to you, when exactly was your date. All I said was that I didn't remember. There was no chance that I was going to get sucked into her insane dramatic universe. I know girls like her and if you answer one question then they don't stop fishing. I just told her that I was sorry that he was such a jerk and didn't treat her the way she so obviously deserved to be treated, ya right!!!!! In any case, by the end of the night she was hugging me and dancing with me and acting like my best friend. I can't stand the fakeness!

I saw the doctor's sister there (number 24) and was worried that he might be there but he wasn't.

Now the super fun part of the evening... Remember the accountant (number 22) the guy who was good friends with the doctor and I was dating them both and chose the doctor...

Well he was there.

He came up to me and gave me a hug and then asked me how the doctor was doing. I said I had no idea and that I hadn't spoken to him in months. He told me that he hadn't spoken to him in months either. He told me that when the doctor spoke to him about me this is what he said... "We are dating the same girl, she told me she likes me better and wants to be with me and not you. She told me that I am much better then you are and I already fooled around with her etc. She told me that she is really not into you and thinks you are just a joke and would never seriously date you blah blah blah." I told him that I did not say that and that I was really sorry to hear that the two of them were no longer friends. He told me a bunch of other stuff that the doctor said about me but I am not sure if he is just lying cause he is upset and his ego was bruised. Then one of his friends said that he wanted to take me out but that he was also friends with the doctor so he would have to check with him first. Then he told me that he was the accountants cousin so I told him that he might want to also check with his cousin cause we went out a few times and kissed.

The next day the accountant bbmed me and apologized for being so harsh with me and told me that he would love if we could hang out this summer cause he missed chilling with me. He also said that he thinks his cousin is a great guy and that the two of us should go out... I don't think I want to be mixed anymore in that crazy "Melrose Place" crew but we will see what happens...

We all hang out in the same places in the summer so I am bound to run into them....

Things with the cop are still going great. He is seriously the funniest man on earth! He hasn't been feeling well so I have been going over quite a bit. His mom is an insane Jewish mother. She treats him like he is 4 and we sit and laugh about it! She knows she is insane and she laughs along with us. Our "relationship" is so stress free as I am not concerned or anxious about planning our future like I normally do. Just relaxed fun!

My Thirty Seventh Date

I don't know where to begin... I don't know if I have the vocabulary to properly describe this in words...

His pictures were decent... Our chat and then phone convo were decent too... He seemed witty and charming... He comes from a Hungarian background and my grandparents are Hungarian... we had a bunch of things in common. We set a date for one day last week. I was running late so I called him and asked if we could meet half hour later. He said sure. Then he called me back and said that he would rather reschedule. I said okay, let's play it by ear because I work most evenings and I am not sure how tired I will be after work. He said that really didn't work for him. He needed to pick a day so that he could put it into his calendar. Talk about being rigid... I was hesitant but I agreed to meet three days later on Thursday after work at 9:30. I called him after work and said that I was about to leave work and to find out where he wanted to meet. He said he was just on his way home from the gym and still needed to shower and shave for our date. He asked if we could meet at 10:30. At this point I was seriously annoyed but my co-worker wanted to meet with me anyways so it worked out. I got to the bubble tea place first. He was even later then 10:30.... I got a table and then he showed up. He did not apologize for being late. He did not look like his pictures. He was awkward and weird and had the most annoying voice and laugh. He was so strange. He stared at the menu for like 10 minutes and asked a bunch of questions about all the items. It seemed like it was his first time out of his house and he was discovering the world for the very first time. He was like "wow, how do they make all

these delicious sounding flavors?" or "Can I really mix two flavors?" BTW, he told me that he goes for bubble tea all the time.... Also, after assessing the menu and asking all his weird questions he ordered a plain earl grey tea. Are you kidding me?? It is the most plain, uninteresting thing to possible order on the entire menu, its not even bubble tea! I ordered my bubble tea and we got a toast with condensed milk to share (one of my favorite snacks at bubble tea). Its a very thick piece of toast with sweet condensed milk on top. When it came I cut it in half and put my half on a separate plate cause I did not want his gross hands anywhere near my toast! I took the crust part off my toast but I still nibbled parts of it that had some sweet stuff left on it and then I put the bitten crust on the side of my plate. I know that sounds a bit gross but the part that is even grosser is that he saw me do that, reached over the table to my plate, picked up the crust, said that he does not like to see food go to waste, and without asking my permission.... ATE MY CRUST!!!!!! Barf times a million!!!!! I was honestly so disgusted at this point I didn't know what to do or say. He kept talking and talking. He was definitely socially challenged (I think that is the politically correct way of saying it, lol). He told me that he is the manager of a huge company and there are hundreds of people that work under him and that he is so super important that the company couldn't possibly run without him. I asked him if he had his MBA to be able to do such an important and difficult job and he said that he only did a business degree in community college but that he was so smart and perfect for the job that they just had to hire him. He did a bit of name dropping, except that I had never heard of anyone he was talking about! He had a weird socially impaired grandiosity disorder. He truly believed that he was this amazing, important, great looking, successful guy. He actually said that out loud. He said that he was a great catch and lots of women want to marry him but he is waiting for someone that is equally as amazing as himself to marry. So when you find yourself asking the question "Why is he 36 and single?" This is your answer!

The date lasted about half an hour. I barely said anything. He kept asking if I was tired. I finally said yes, I am pretty tired since the date started an hour later then it was supposed to. He never for one second assumed it could have anything to do with the fact that he was boring me to death. I admire his ignorance! He said that since I was tired, I should get some rest and we can try this again when I was ready to be more fun. OMG! Thanks dad for telling me when we can "do this again"! How about never!!!! We walked outside and he said "well that was a fantastic first date, do you think we will ever get married?" I burst out laughing and said no! I realized later that he did not say this as a joke... fml! The next day I got a text saying he had a great time, told his parents about me and imagine the small world... his dad was the videographer for my batmitzvah video 15 years ago!!! He took it as a sign I took it as a "kill me now!" I didn't even bother writing back....

Update 24

I talked about the nice guy (date 36) with my therapist... I really wanted to like him. It bothered me and worried me that it was niceness that turned me off... I say that I want a good guy to get married and be a father to my children but then when I find someone like that I am so turned off...

I need to figure out a balance between being a 17 year old girl that wants the "bad boy" and a 27 year old girl that wants a husband.

Meanwhile, things with the cop are still going well. We get along fabulously. We don't fight. We laugh constantly. He is really good to me. He presented himself like a jerk at first but he is not like that at all... He is really a gentleman. He babysat my dog for me last week while I was at work. He takes me out all the time and refuses to let me pay (although I always try). He is talking about getting out of policing and getting a job that pays more and doesn't have such crazy hours. He won't let me drive, he opens my car door every single time even after a month of dating. He said that if he finds a new job soon then we can go to Mexico or Dominican for a week together. I think by keeping it casual I am able to be myself. I have no expectations of him or of a relationship so there is no way for me to get disappointed. I have put no pressure on him or on myself to be anything or do anything and its just lots of fun. I think he really wants to try to make money and I see that he is motivated and driven. I have not mentioned anything about money to him but I think he just sensed that I am driven and motivated and successful and that I would probably want the same in a man. So he is making all of these life changes with out me saying anything or getting involved or trying to control the situation (which I have been known to do!) It feels like whatever happens will happen... I have no expectations and its refreshing anf fun!

I am still free to date although I haven't been doing much of that since I met him...

Also, I was accepted onto a young professional trip to Israel for the summer! I am so excited as I have been wanting to go ever since my ex left in October. The rabbi has been trying to get me to go and I have been feeling like I need to be there to get some clarity at the wall. The trip is 2 weeks long and then I will be extending my stay for 2 more weeks to see family and friends! My best friend will even be in Israel at the same time so its going to be an unbelievable trip and I can't wait!!!!

I have started to put the focus back on me. I have been working on my websites and marketing for both my companies so that they will grow and I will be busier with work and have less time to worry about nonsense. Having the cop in my life right now really eases the anxiety of my "husband hunt" and allows me to focus on more important things! Plus I feel refreshed and in a great mood most of the time!

My Thirty Sixth Date

This guy was super nice. Almost to a fault. In his pictures he was tall, muscular, good looking and confident. On the phone he was more like a nervous ugly teenager excited to talk to head cheerleader. I tried to believe that he was just being really nice and that maybe in person he would relax and be himself. He called a lot and said that he was "sooo super excited for our date". He told me that he showed my picture to his co-workers and that they all said I was pretty and they were excited for the date too... okie dokie....

He also teaches grade 2 and told me that even his students were excited for our date... double okie dokie...

In theory he is a great guy. He loves children and animals (has a dog that he refers to as his son). He has a good job, close with his family, has a condo and a car and is really really nice. But there was just something too over the top about his niceness. It became almost creepy...

I called him when I was done shabbat dinner to make plans to meet up. We decided to take one car. So I got to his condo and instead of offering to drive, he hopped into my car. A bit strange but no big deal....

We decided to grab dessert. He handed me a picture that was drawn by his students. He had gone onto facebook, looked me up and printed pictures of me and my dog and had his students paint them. Again, in theory this is really cute and sweet but on a first date it borders the line of being a huge awkward, weird, creepoid!!!!

We sat down, he let me order and we shared a crepe. He got a text from a co-worker and showed it to me. It said "Wow, any girl that likes crepes is a keeper!" First of all how did she know we were having crepes and second of all why is everyone so into this date but me and third why would he show me that message??

We talked mostly about our dogs and about his students and about all his tattoos. His arms were covered in them and they all had special meanings which he told me about.

I am telling you that his look did not match his personality in the least!!!! A big strong tattooed guy that was gushing and mushing all over the place!!!

After that I took him back to his place and he insisted that I meet his son (dog). I went up for 10 minutes to see the dog who was in fact one of the cutest dogs I have ever seen!!

The place was a mess and it smelled funny. I said that I had to get home and I left and went to see the cop :)