Update 20

Things got a bit out of control....

As soon as I got back on jdate it was like I was a crack addict who just took my first hit of crack after a month of being clean. I logged on and spent 7 straight hours reading messages I had gotten over the past month, seeing which new people were on-line and chatting with guys. I was even late for work. Then as soon as work was over I raced back home and logged back on until 2 am...

Since I am an addiction counselor I started to draw parallels between me and my clients. I was clearly sad about ending things with crazy guy and instead of sitting with my feelings and actually feeling them I needed my next "fix". I needed to run back to jdate to get attention from guys and to be distracted from my feelings of sadness. With all the instant gratification this generation has, its a wonder how any one actually gets the chance to feel feelings and not escape them in some way.

I went to my therapist today and decided that I would limit my time on jdate to 3 times a week and only 2 hours each time. The reward for doing this would be to go on one date.

I don't know where or when this happened but I seem to be in some kind of race to get married. My anxiety to find "the one" is through the roof. Instead of enjoying this experience and enjoying the time I am spending with some of the guys I have met I am running through them with my "husband check list". As soon as the doctor said that he wasn't ready to commit I ran for the door and never looked back. As soon as one thing was wrong with him I bailed. I could have talked to him about it or asked him why he was scared but instead my internal alarm went off saying "don't waste anymore time with this guy... run!" Even with Crazy guy... In a way I was trying to fight the fact that I liked him because I knew that he was not anywhere close to being ready for marriage (not financially or emotionally). I was the one that wanted to keep dating other people while having fun with him. I was the one that pushed away every time he was too kind or warm or loving (at the beginning). I liked him but once again I was afraid to "waste too much time with him". The irony of all of this is that I am wasting even more time by not giving people a fair chance and not being truly open to letting things unfold naturally. I bring up marriage way too soon and I make the first bit of the relationship so intense for them. So in rushing to get married, I am scaring off/pushing away any potential guys from wanting to get close to me and seeing where things go.

Its interesting because one huge reason why people use drugs is because they need to calm down some sort of fear or anxiety about themselves, their futures or life in general. Similarly,I am going from date to date to calm my anxieties about "needing to get married yesterday".

I thought a lot about this today... I wondered who put the idea in my head that I need to be married now. The truth is that I did. I have no pressure from family or friends. Its my own pressure. In my mind I think that I need to be married already. Had I not broken off my engagement, I would have already been married, owned a home, and would probably be thinking about getting pregnant soon. My cousin who is my age is married and about to have her second child. My little sister just bought a house with her fiance and will be married in a few months and many people from my high school are married and having babies. All this is going on while I am playing around on jdate...

So here is the thing... I don't want to sound egotistical but it is not hard for me to get a date and even after a first date it is very rare that the guy would not want a second date... But somewhere after the second date, in the first month of dating I somehow screw shit up. I have never had this problem before... I have been in one long term relationship after another for the last 10 years. I have never really been single and I have never really dated. So what the hell am I doing wrong? Or maybe people on jdate don't feel the need to put in that much effort because "hey, if this one doesn't work out I can log back on to jdate and find 10 more guys/girls to be with tomorrow".

Anyways, that is my rant for now... I have decided to look to other things to calm my anxiety and not use jdate as an escape. I will go on a bit and go on a few dates but not let it occupy too much of my time. I want to put the focus back on me and work on myself more. I have decided to eat better and exercise more. I have decided to put my free time into building up my practice and my other side business. I want to travel a bit more and enjoy my friends and family more. I want to spend more time outside with my niece and my dog. I want to find a way to be happy with myself despite the fact that I am not in a relationship. I want to love me more and not be or act so desperate to get married. I have the rest of my life to be married. This time is to get to know me better and like who I am :)

My Twenty Ninth Date

I added this guy to msn months ago and we spoke on the phone. I don't remember much about the conversation but I do remember that it was long and not boring. He would randomly message me on msn every few weeks and remind me that we once spoke on the phone. Either timing was off (I was with the doctor and then with the crazy guy) or I just kept forgetting who he was....

He messaged me again this weekend because he saw me back on jdate. He said "It looks like things didn't work out with the guy, I'm sorry". I said "lol, no you are not". He asked if I would meet up with him. I was a bit hesitant, I was so worried that crazy would see us out together and freak out... Here is why:

The night before he messaged me and I only wrote back 2 hours later. He said "that took a long time", I said "I wasn't with my phone", He said "ya sure". We made small talk and then he just stopped responding. I didn't hear from him until 2 am. He was out with his friends for his bday, probably drunk and he knew I was out with my friends. He wrote that he never wants to talk to me again. I wasn't going to engage in his craziness so I just said ok. It was perfect, he said he never wants to talk again so now I didn't have to feel guilty for going back on jdate. As soon as I logged on to jdate the following morning (after not logging on for the month I was with crazy), I got a bbm message from crazy. He said "enjoy jdate, I have all your stuff here ready for you to come pick up". I was so freaked out! How the hell did he know I logged on that same minute?!?! Was he watching me somehow? Did he install something in my computer to tell him what sites I go on?? I quickly went to check his jdate profile but it said he last logged on a month ago.. I checked to see if any of his friends were online that might have called to tell him, they were not. I then realized that someone with a "new profile" from our city with his age and no picture had just viewed me. BUSTED! I called him on it right away. He said he only opened that account so that he could see if I logged on. He even offered to give me that password so that I could see that my profile is the only one he viewed. I asked why he would care if I logged on since we are just friends! He is so crazy! He doesn't want to be with me but he goes on to check if I am moving on. He got so mad at me. He really plays with my mind. I told him that its enough. I can't handle the game of push and pull anymore with him cause its driving me nuts. He said he never wants to talk to me again and then later that night he messaged me again... I am moving on... This is to crazy and dramatic for me. And I know a lot of people feel like I have been acting desperate but these are the kinds of mixed signals he has been giving me for the last 2 weeks... He says i like you so much and you are amazing and then he says that he can't give me what I deserve. Then he tells me go date other people and then he freaks out when I go out with my friends to a club on saturday night with out him. Yes, i know we are not together but for some reason I don't want to make him mad. Anyways, I'm done with excuses, its time to move on....

Back to my date....

I agreed to meet him for bubble tea before work. We met for about 40 minutes. He was pretty good looking, a bit shorter then I would like and bald (which isn't really my thing). He was already there when I walked in and he didn't get up from the table when I walked over. I had to bend down to say hi... The conversation was okay. I could tell he was a bit nervous. I told him that I recalled a conversation a few weeks back where he told me that he was seeing someone too. He said "its a long story" I said "I have time". He asked me not to judge but told me that he is seeing a woman but she doesn't mind if he dates other girls. I told him that such a girl doesn't exist.... He finally disclosed that she is a married woman who will never leave her husband. Very classy. I told him that I wouldn't judge, only because I couldn't care less about her and already knew that this guy was not for me. I had to leave for work so he took care of the bill and asked if I would go on a proper date with him another time. I said ok. I don't think I will actually go but after him being persistent for 3 months I figured I would just say ok. I left and went to work and thought about crazy guy....

I know it doesn't make much sense... I know that he likes me and there is something holding him back. I tried to figure out what it was and he is obviously scared of something. I like him. Him and all his craziness... I obviously can not waste anymore time trying to figure him out or waiting til he "comes around". But it just sucks that guys let fear get in the way of their decisions....

Update 19- Just friends, no quotation marks

It has been exactly a month with him. This week was a bit insane.

As usual we got into a fight on Saturday afternoon. I noticed that he creates a fight every Saturday just before I am about to go out to a club with my friends. I even invited him to join but he said he couldn't. Then he told me that I only invited him because I knew that he couldn't come and that I wanted to go and pick up guys. (Please keep in mind that we are supposed to be "just friends"). I assured him (even though I shouldn't have) that I am not interested in picking up guys etc. I even brought my phone into the club, again, to message him while I was there. Wow, I am in a controlling relationship without the relationship...

Then one night this week he invited me to come over to his friend'e house where they were all hanging out. I did. I sat next to him on the couch and I was bbming my best friend. She was asking me if he was still being weird etc so I turned my phone to face the other direction cause I didn't want him to see what we were typing. All of a sudden I get a message from him (yes, he was still sitting right beside me). He asked me what was wrong. I wrote back nothing is wrong. He then excused himself and went into the other room and messaged me that he finds it very odd that I am hiding my phone from him and messaging someone else right in front of him and I better not deny that I am doing that. I told him that I am not having a messaging fight at his friends house while he is sitting in the other room and I offered to leave. He came back and we sat without speaking for another hour. There were a lot of people there so no one realized that anything was going on. After the movie ended we left together. As soon as we got outside I snapped. I said "Why didn't you pay attention to what your friend Sara was doing with her phone or what your friend Jordana was doing with her phone? Why am I the only "friend" who is lucky enough to have you pay such close attention to my every move? Why is it that I get the fighting part of a relationship from you but none of the good stuff? You keep saying we are friends and then you watch my every move and accuse me of going to pick up guys etc?" We fought back and forth, then we went into his car and drove around and talked for 3 hours. He told me that he is confused. He likes me a lot and is really scared to hurt me. He doesn't want to hold me back from dating other people but is unsure how he would react if I did. i said I didn't understand the concept of telling a girl that you like to go date other people. Then he started to talk about money (a conversation all too familiar to me) and it began to make more sense. He told me that right now he is in the middle of starting up a business and that all his money has been put into it. He needs to put all his time and effort into the business and he may have to start to travel a lot etc. He said he doesn't have the cash flow right now to be with me. I tried to remember back to when things went sour with him... He started to act weird and distant right after he saw my house... I explained to him that I do not like him because of what he has or doesn't have and that all the excuses he gave could have a solution. Like if he has to travel I could come visit him on the weekends etc. I told him that because of his own insecurities about money or not being good enough or whatever, he has been trying to sabotage us. But maybe he is right. Maybe he knows the truth. Maybe I would end up resenting him for not being able to go out for dinner or go on trips or buy nice things. Maybe I was lying to myself and he knew better. We fought some more that week. And we also hung out and had a few nice days together.

Friday was his birthday and he was going to have 20 friends over to celebrate. I asked if I could help and he said that his friends were taking care of everything. Well how convenient! I am one of his "friends"! I called up his best friend and asked what was going on for the party. he said e was going to pick up some hummus and pita and alcohol. I said "thats it?" he said ya, we are simple people and thats what we do. I asked if I could help him and he was more then happy to let me. We went out and bought lots of food (for me to prepare) and tons of decorations and decorated his condo while he was at work. He came home and got a bit mad at his friend for "letting me do all of this for him". I told him to just be quiet and let us do something nice for him. He said that he was worried that me doing all of this for him would build expectations. I told him there are no expectations and I am fully aware that we are "just friends". The day of the party I was cooking and baking at his place. His entire family ended up coming over to wish him happy birthday so I met all of them. They were so nice! His mom, dad, brother, sister-in law and niece and nephew. I made them food and we all talked and had a good time. I am sure they all had a million questions about what was going on between the two of us....

They left and I finished preparing everything and went to his room to shower and put on make up and change. When I came out a few friends had already arrived. They all complimented me on how I looked (even though he didn't). The entire night he was giving me credit for everything and telling everyone how much work I did etc. Everyone loved the food and kept telling him that I am so wife material. When I brought out the cake he made a speech thanking his best friend for helping organize the party and then he thanked me for doing the rest of the 98% of the party and how wonderful I am etc. Then he gave me a kiss in front of all his friends... I thought my "plan" (that I didn't realize until just then was a plan) was working!

After everyone left the two of us cleaned up and we went to bed. He told me that I could sleep over because he wanted me to drink and not drive home.

He had quite a bit to drink and was sick for most of the night. He kissed me good night and I fell asleep... Once again, nothing. I was a bit disappointed but refused to start anything as I was trying very hard to be "just friends" and show him that there were no expectations. We got up the next morning, finished cleaning up, I made us lunch and then he went to work. He sent me a message thanking me again and tonight he is going out for a "boys night" celebration of his birthday....

My best friend asked me the real reason I did so much for his birthday. I guess if I am being completely honest, there must have been underlying manipulation underneath my kind gestures. I wanted him to get a good look at what he was throwing away before I accepted that we were not going to be together. I wanted all his friends to see me in that light and when he tells them that he blew it, I want them to tell him how stupid he is. I want us not working out to be all his fault and not mine so that I do not need to take any responsibility for it and I can blame him (common pattern in my life).

I am done trying. Either we will be very good friends (cause I like hanging out with him and his friends) or he will find out that I am going to date other people, get mad and not want to talk to me at all. But in terms of us, we are officially just friends, no quotation marks!

So I am thinking of going back on jdate.... Do I tell him or just let him find out from one of his friends when they see me online?

P.S. You will never guess who I spoke to. Remember number 18? In the middle of a divorce with two kids...

He messaged me randomly (acting like he thought I was someone else) this week and then we talked on the phone for a bit. He made up some story that 2 days after he left here his phone got stolen so he didn't have my phone number or bbm contact but that he thought about me a lot. I didn't believe him but still talked to him... I still love how he talks to me and secretly wish I could see him again. WOW, I need some serious therapy!!!

Update 18- wtf?

So I know I said it was over between me and Gorgeous.... but its kind of not...

The day after we "ended" things, he messaged me to see how I was doing. My initial reaction was all ego, I was going to act like I did with doctor and pretend I was totally fine that it was over. But then I thought about it... Why do I have to be so macho, lol. I have nothing to lose so i may as well be honest with him and with myself. I wrote back that I was a bit sad that things didn't work out between us. He wrote that he didn't want me to be sad. Then he suggested that maybe we could be friends. I said sure, because I figured that is what all guys feel like they need to say after they end things, I never thought anything would come of it. We spoke on bbm the entire day as we normally do. Not even one day went by without spending the entire day messaging back and forth. The next day I had my therapy session and came to a few realizations. I was not done with him. I liked him. He was not anywhere close to perfect for me and probably not even a suitable match but I had no intentions of stopping. There was just something about him. Not just his looks. I have fun with him. I feel alive with him. We laugh. I can be myself. And he found a way into my head and into my heart (that I thought had a huge tall wall up around it). I decided I would give this friend thing a try. Like I said, I had nothing to lose. I messaged him after my session and asked him what he was doing ( I knew he wasn't working this Wednesday).

He told me that he was about to watch a movie and I could join him but he has to meet up with friends around 4. He was giving me a window of time... he has never done that before... I guess he wanted a way out in case things got ugly or I started to cry or whatever crazy shit he must be used to that made him so skeptical of women. I came over, he gave me a big hug and then that was it. I mean really.. thats it. We watched the entire movie sitting right next to each other and not so much as little brush against my arm. Zero physical contact. I was dying. I barely watched the movie. Why wasn't he touching me. How could it be that last week he is all over me and this week NOTHING?!?!? I was angry, mixed with extremely insecure. Then his friend came over and started to call all of their friends to invite them for sushi at 7 pm. He said to him in Hebrew (not knowing that I understand) "why don't you invite the girl for sushi"? He shot his friend a look as if to say be quiet and mind your own business you asshole. I felt so uncomfortable. His friend left and he turned to me and asked if I wanted to go out with him and all his friends for dinner. I said I don't know and that I would think about it. Then I asked him if he was sure that was even a good idea... All his friends...

He said that if he didn't want me there he would not have invited me and if I want to come I am more then welcome. I went. There were about 15 of his closest Israeli friends. They were all very loud but actually the nicest, warmest bunch of people. They all included me and made me feel very welcome. I did a lot of listening and not so much talking like I normally do. I remembered him once telling his friend not to date a specific girl because she was "stuck up, never offered to pay and thought she was a princess". So when the bill came I pulled out enough money to cover both of our meals. He didn't say anything. He just reached into his pocket and pulled out the same omount and handed it to the waiter. I turned to him and said that I wanted to treat him tonight. All he said was "put your money away now". I thanked him for dinner. After all, we were "just friends" and he did not need to pay for my dinner. After dinner most people went outside to smoke and he joined them (he does not smoke he just went out with them). I was left with his two best friends. To my advantage and his disadvantage they were drunk :) They told me lots of stuff that they were not supposed to say....

They told me that he is crazy about me. That he has not introduced a girl to the group in almost 3 years. That the last two weekends while he was on business, he talked about me non stop. They also told me that when an Israeli meets a :girl like me" he would get very scared. I am too good. I am "marriage material" and that is scary for a guy. They told me that they were routing for me and both really liked me with him. They told me to wait a bit and that he would come around. I explained to them that I appreciate what they are saying but that I am not a 20 year old girl with 5 years to wait until he "comes around". I said that he made it clear that we are friends so that it what we are. Then I said that it is bad that we are having this conversation and that he would kill them if he found out. Just as I said that, I tuned my head and him and the rest of the crew were staring at us through the window. He looked right at me and motioned for me to come outside. I told the guys that we are all dead!!!! His friend jsut said to tell him we were talking about soccer, lol. Yeah right! I got outside and he took his friend to the side and got mad at him. Then he came over to me and took off his jacket and put it around me cause I left mine in the car. He did it in front of all his friends. Also, that was one of things he said made him mad about me when we were having the break up talk. He said it bothered him that I expected him to put my jacket on all the time as if I was a princess, and here he was doing it cause he wanted to. It felt nicer this way :) We got into the car and he asked me what his friends said. I more or less told him.

He said that the last thing he wants is for me to get hurt. Its not fair of his friends to be giving me false hope and saying things that don't match what he is saying. I told him that I know his friends were drunk and that I will only believe what he tells me is going on. But I told him that I am a big girl and I am in charge of making sure I don't get hurt. He doesn't need to protect me. I also told him that it was super weird for me that we didn't touch once the whole night. He said that it took every once of his will power to be a gentleman and make sure he doesn't send mixed signals and hurt me. I once again told him I appreciate that but that I will worry about myself. He gave me a big hug and kiss on my forehead. We went to one of his friends houses and hung out. All the guys went to one house to play poker and all the girls and me and him and one other guy went to another house. I got along great with all the girls. They were so nice and kept complimenting me and how sweet and smart and pretty I was. He heard all of it :) One girl mentioned that her sex life was going down the drain. He barged into the conversation and asked if she ever initiated sex or did anything to improve the situation. She said she never initiates. He said that he hates it when girls put all the pressure on the guy and that he would never be able to stay with a girl that didn't initiate once in a while. Again, I listened and took mental notes. We went back to his condo and finished the movie we had started. We lay in his bed and still nothing. He didn't touch me. When the movie ended I decided once again that I had nothing to lose... I started to tickle his back. He lay on his side so I tickled his tummy too. That turned into lots of teasing and for almost an hour he fought it and didn't turn around to touch me or kiss me. I was the one to crack first. I turned him over lay on top of him and kissed him. It was so nice after the whole day build up! We fooled around a bit (no sex) and then we cuddled. he said that he really didn't mean for that to happen and that is not what he sees me as or wants me to be for. I told him that I wanted it and that it was okay. He said he was mad at himself for not being able to stop me. He is either the most sincere person ever or is playing the best game ever invented by a guy!

Guess what, either way, I don't care! I had a great day with him, he treated me with respect and I am very attracted to him and enjoy being with him (as a friend and as a lover). And with the pressure of figuring out the dynamics of the relationship gone, we were both so relaxed and calm and didn't fight once!

I went home, he messaged me to see if I got home safe (as usual) and wished me sweet dreams. Next day he messaged me again and I came over after work. I made us dinner and we watched TV, talked, laughed and I then I went home. We didn't do anything sexual but it wasn't awkward. He sort of cuddled while we watched TV and he kissed me on the lips good bye. And again messaged to make sure I was home safe.

So.... I have no idea where I stand with him and I honestly don't care! I am being myself, doing what I want and saying what I want and believing that what ever is meant to be will be.

It feels like this is how we should have started. As two people hanging out, enjoying each others company, getting to know each other and seeing where things go without trying to control or dictate the terms of the relationship after a week.

So although I am a bit confused, I feel happy. And isn't that what is most important?

Update 17

I wish I could say that week two was as good as week one....

While he was away on business he was messaging me and calling me constantly. I started to become aware of the fact that he was getting a bit possessive. If I didn't message him for a few hours he would get angry at me and ask me where I was and what I was doing that I couldn't take 5 minutes to write to him. I freaked out... I told him that I will not report to him and I will not be in a relationship where I can't go a few hours without talking to him. we had a serious talk about it. He said that at the beginning of a relationship two people should want to talk to each other all the time, they shouldn't be able to keep their hands off each other and want to spend lots of time together. Since most of my relationships have been with emotionally unavailable guys and I would have wished for them to be this in to me, I decided to give his way a try. I let my guard down and tried to embrace the fact that he really liked me and wanted to talk to me and be around me a lot. I started to get very attached. I know its only a short time but I tend to get attached quickly. He was once again hurt by the harsh way I reacted to his kindness. And once again he pulled back. He got back from his trip on Sunday night... when he got home I was already there with dinner ready because I knew that he had a long trip back. he was exhausted. After dinner we watched a movie and went to sleep. We spent the whole next day together. He was reserved and very distant. I tried to blame it on the fact that he was tired but I knew something was different. I tried hard to show him that I was in to him and that I wanted to try to make this work. I slept over again the next night. We fooled around a little bit but that's it. Barely any kissing or touching etc. It was really weird. The week before we were so passionate and crazy about each other and then a week later... nothing. He had to go away again for the next 5 days. We spent the weekend arguing and fighting over text (bbm). He told me that there were things that were bothering him about me. I made him tell me....

He said it bothered him that I was so close with my ex fiance.

It bothered him that I have many close guys friends that I hang out with (sometimes late at night)

It bothered him that I wanted a guy with money and that he doesn't have much of that right now while he is trying to build up his business

It bothered him that I said I never wanted to move out of the city I grew up in

It bothered him that we lost our chemistry in one week

and the list went on.....

I immediately became defensive and cold and with drawn. Some of that shit was hard to hear. I tried to explain myself and then decided its better not to. He sent me mixed messages the whole weekend. He tried being very mean and aggressive, hoping I would tell him to f off and not talk to me anymore... that didn't work. He tried telling me that he really cares about me and likes me but something doesnt feel right.... I asked him if he wanted out and he said no and then he told me that I should go out and date other people.... It was back and forth all weekend... He finally came home and called me. We talked. He said that he thinks I am a wonderful girl and feels like an idiot for not giving this more of a chance but he wouldn't feel right holding me back knowing how he feels about the situation. He said that he gave himself and opened up to me and I totally shot him down and soured the relationship for him....

There was no point arguing. It was too painful to try to sell myself or beg him to give us another try. So we decided to end it, very amicably, wishing each other well....

I had my reservations about him from the very beginning. I was terrified that I would fall for him and get in too deep to be able to get out. There were many red flags that I chose to ignore just because there was crazy chemistry and he was gorgeous. I threw my non-negotiable list out the window.... So when I hung up the phone I said to myself that G-d must have done for me what He knew I would not be able to do for myself... I was not meant to waste more time with this guy.. I am meant to be available to meet my soul mate...

I felt sad most of the day... I tried talking myself out of it but a feeling is a feeling and I was really upset. I don't know how many more of these mini failed relationships I can take. I get way too deep into them way to fast. I start planning a possible future after such a short time even when I see major red flags...

On top of all of it, I got into a fight with my ex fiance (who I am supposedly good friends with) and he said some really hurtful things about how it was hell to be with me and he doesn't know how anyone will be able to stand my controlling nature. I got up from the table, went into my car and drove the whole way home in tears....

My mom, trying to helpful, said stupid stuff as usual... I blew up at her and went to my room to cry some more...

I am feeling very emotional today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day....