My Twenty Eighth Date

Sorry I have been MIA for the last week.... Here is why:

A guy on jdate sent me a flirt so I messaged him. He had a picture from very far away so I couldn't see what he looked like but I could tell he had a very good body. He talked me into getting my bbm. We chatted on bbm for a while and then I told him I wanted to get into bed and didn't feel like typing anymore. He said he didn't feel like talking on the phone so I said no problem, I will call someone else good night. He said wait, you can call me... I said it was too late and that I was already on the phone. I could tell he was a player so I didn't mind being a huge bitch. He waited 20 minutes and then messaged me again asking if I was off yet. I said I was so he asked me to call him. I did. We talked til 4:30 in the morning. Some of our conversation was quite inappropriate... which I normally wouldn't do. But again, I figured that he was a player and this would never go anywhere so I could have a bit of fun for once in my life. The next day he messaged me and we talked again that night til the wee hours of the morning. The next day (Friday) he spent the day convincing me to come over. He told me that he doesn't take girls on dates but if I wanted to come over and "hang out" that I could. I told him that I'm not that kind of girl. I want a relationship and eventually marriage. I don't want meaningless sex. He convinced me to "live a little". I looked him up on face book and realized that he was GORGEOUS. Ok, gorgeous is an understatement. He might be the most beautiful man in the entire universe. He has a body that anyone would die to have or be with. And such a stunning movie star face. I decided if I was ever going to "live a little" it should be with him!

I agreed to go over. I went over at 5 PM knowing that I had to leave at 6 PM for Shabbat dinner. I told him that I wanted to meet and see if I was comfortable with him or not. He said okay. I went to his condo. He kissed me. I thought I could go through with it. I thought I could be promiscuous or slutty. I couldn't do it. I became shy and uncomfortable. He sat next to me and said that we could just hang out and talk if I was uncomfortable. I said that would be a better idea. We talked and talked and then I realized the time. I was late for dinner... He asked me if I could come back after. I said that I had a date planned for after dinner and that I couldn't come back. He said "what if I took you out on a date". I cancelled my date with the other guy.

Mr. "I don't take girls on dates" was taking me out on a date?!?!? Uh oh... I have been here before... We decided to meet at the theater for a 9:30 show. He messaged me at 9 and asked where I was, I said I was still at my grandmothers house. He got a bit annoyed and said that I am going to miss the movie. We got into an argument over bbm. He said that he can not believe he is at the theater waiting for a girl. I told him to relax and not to stress me out cause it was not going to make me drive any faster. The argument continued when I got to the theater. I told him not to ever rush me cause I hate that and he told me not to make him wait cause he hates that. It was so weird. I could be myself. I didn't pretend to be the "perfect Jewish housewife" like I normally do when I am trying to get a guy. I was able to be my hot headed self.... We saw the Valentine movie and it was fun. I went back to his house and we kissed and cuddled and watched TV. He was very respectful of my comfort level. He walked me to my car and told me to call him when I get home safe. He is such a typical Israeli man, I love that kind of protective nature. MAJOR TURN ON! He asked what I was doing Saturday night. I told him I was going clubbing with my best friend. He asked if he could take me for dinner first. First a movie, then dinner, two nights in a row???? What is going on here??? He picked me up from my house- I never let guys do that but he insisted that it is a man's job to pick up a woman for a date. We had sushi and then my friend picked me up from his place and I went out with her. I thought about him while I was out. I tried not to, cause I am not supposed to be falling for another player... but I did. Sunday I spent the day with him downtown. we were very cute and affectionate while we were out. We were like one of those couples that makes people want to barf from how lovey dovey we were acting. We had tickle fights and we made out everywhere and held hands and it was like we were the only two people around. Really... I didn't notice anyone else. We went for dinner and then I had to go to work. I mentioned that my throat was hurting and he told me to come over after I was done work. When I got there, he had picked up chicken soup for me. I stayed over late and he was being very sweet and taking care of me. The next day we hung out again...

We had a difficult conversation that night. He asked me if I was still dating other people. I told him that I wasn't but that I wanted to keep my options open. I was brutally honest with him about my fears. I told him that I don't trust him. I think he is a player and I think he will hurt me if I let him too close. I told him that I want to find a husband not a fling and I didn't think he was financially ready for a marriage. I told him I was trying to break my cycle of dating good looking players and I wanted to find a nice secure responsible, possibly even a bit dorky, professional man who wants to settle down. He was crushed. he was so hurt that I said all that to him and I felt terrible after. I don't have a filter on my stupid mouth. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that he was trying to show me that he was not a player and that he actually respects me and is treating me differently. We talked until really late and I ended up spending the night. He was reserved and had taken 10 steps back from me. I said we should just take it slow and not plan or define anything so early on. I told him that despite what I have said out loud, I have spent the last 4 straight days with him and was obviously seeing something in him that was keeping me around. The next day he was still reserved but we spent most of the day together. He had to leave early the next morning to go away for business for 5 days. We had a really great talk that night that somehow ended in a very hot shower scene :) I know this is going to sound insane but it was one of the most liberating feelings ever. Let me explain... I am insane about my hair. It takes 2 hours to do and I do it twice a week. I had just done it and he convinced me to wet it in the shower. I don't go swimming, I miss out on water sports at the cottage, I even hesitate to go out if its raining because of my hair... and I wet it and I enjoyed myself and I felt so free. At that moment I changed my mind about him. I felt like I wanted to give him a chance and stop being such a hard ass with him.

As I left, I told him to have a safe trip and that I didn't want to date anyone else...

I am going to remain a bit cautious while enjoying every minute of him!!!!

This was week one... Here we go again!

FYI- My Ex-Fiance

I mentioned my ex Fiance briefly in a previous post and got a few emails asking what the story was with him so I will quickly explain. I don't want to confuse anyone... I was with my Ex Fiance from age 20-25 (and I was with my non Jewish Ex from 25- 26.5). I met him when I was 20. When I met him he was in active addiction. We started off as "friends" and I thought I could to save him... We spent everyday together and very quickly fell in "love". I became completely co-dependent over him. I don't want to get into it (that relationship can be a book on its own!) but I was in many scary situations with him in the first year of our relationship. He overdosed a bunch of times, I would go look for him at 3 in the morning in terrible parts of the city, drug dealers that he owed money to would call me looking for him etc. Long story short, I found a program called Al-Anon, got enough courage to set boundaries with him, he had some crazy stuff happen to him and he went to treatment and got clean. In the meantime, I became interested in the field of addiction, did my undergrad thesis on it, started working for an organization that helped addicts and then the two us together started programs to help teenagers get into recovery. Our program was so successful and has helped many teens change their lives and get off drugs. When I was 25 he proposed to me. It felt wrong. I so badly wanted to get married that I said yes and started to plan the wedding. I went away to school to do my Masters and met my non Jewish guy and called off the wedding.

I was honest with him about my fears of marrying him and he understood. He loved me enough to want the best for me. And he knew that he wasn't the best for me. We fought a lot and although he was sober, we still had the same addict/codependent relationship that we had while he was using. It was not healthy for either of us. Today he is 5 years clean and sober and he is doing amazing and I am so proud of him!

We are still best friends, we work together and hang out all the time and care a lot about each other but have no romantic feelings for each other. Well, at least I don't! And if he does, he respectfully hides it very well! It is because of him that I do what I do professionally and a big part of who I am today!

So that's the scoop about my Ex Fiance! Today we are both very grateful that we did not get married to each other! We both agree it would have been a disaster that would have ended in divorce or murder! We are much better as friends!

My Twenty Seventh Date

The guy from the club (the one that my cousin had tried to set me up with a long time ago) called me and bbm'd me every day since Saturday night. We were finally able to pick a day to meet up. Our schedules conflicted so we agreed on lunch. We met on a street near his office that has many restaurants to choose from. When I got there, I parked and waited in the car. He came up to the window and opened my door. He was on the phone. He mouthed to me that I should choose which place I wanted to eat at. I started walking to a place and he followed. Still didn't say a proper hello. We got in line and he remained on his phone. So I got on my phone. It was very weird. We got a table and sat down. He finally got off the phone. We talked and ate. There was no connection. He was nice but thats about it. I was not attracted to him and found it terribly rude that he couldn't put down his phone. I'm not sure if he did it cause he had to or if it was to try to show me how busy and important he was. Either way it was a major turn off. He walked me to my car (once again on the phone) gave me a kiss on the cheek and gave me that hand signal for "call me". Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure I will call you!!! He bbm'd me for a few days after that and drunk dialed me one other time but I think he realizes that we didn't click. He is the same age as me and is quite immature. He gets drunk a lot which is a huge turn off for me and he is just not my type....

Plus he will probably have ear cancer in a few years from all that chatting!!!!

My Twenty-Sixth Date

I spoke to this guy for a while on the phone. We realized that we had conflicting schedules for most of the week except Sunday (valentines day). I felt kind of weird about it cause it was the "day of love" but he seemed nice so I agreed to meet him for bubble tea.

I work until 9 on Sundays so I told him we could meet after. I also told him that at 11 I needed to go downtown with my best friend because I had promised her we would go to a valentines day party. He said that was fine by him. I met him and he did not look like his picture. He explained that he had just gotten a bad hair cut earlier that day. How convenient... Also he was short.

Anyways, the conversation was pretty good. He asked a lot of questions and seemed interested in what I had to say.

i realized something about myself. When I am "just not that into a guy" I act very tough and almost aggressive. When I am into a guy, like with the doctor, I act sweet and nurturing. This will be a good indicator for me to know if I like someone or not! I can just pay attention to how I am acting and I will know if I am into them.

He payed and walked me to my car. There was no talk of seeing each other again and the good bye was a bit awkward.

I went out with my best friend and got a bbm message at 3 in the morning from him. "how was your night". WHAT NOT TO DO!!! Do not message a girl you just met at 3 am on the same night that you just went out with her especially if she didn't seem that into you after the date! I didn't respond. The following day he phoned me and said...

"Hey... So I am new to this whole online dating thing and I am not sure what the protocol is. I told my friend that I met this amazing girl and asked him if I should call you today. he told me that I should wait a few days or else I will seem desperate but I think he is wrong and decided to call you anyways. "

I could have ignored him but I remembered how shitty it felt to be left in the dark and unsure of how the other person feels. Plus he was a really nice guy. He was a bit socially awkward but there was no reason to be mean to him. Plus it is easier if he knows the truth so that he can move on and not keep embarrassing himself. I have decided its mean not to let someone know that you are not interested in them. So I sent him a message.

I said "hey, I had a great time with you but unfortunately I did not feel a connection. I think you are a great guy and I hope you find your soul-mate soon!"

He wrote back a whole long message saying thanks and that I am wonderful etc and he hopes the same for me too! It went perfectly! I felt great for letting him know and not leading him on! I hope that will help clear up some of my crappy kharma!

The club was so fun! I bumped into a guy that I have known since high school. We have both always had a "thing" for each other but I was never single! He is gorgeous and actually kind of famous! He is sooo not the marriage type but man is he hot! We ended up kissing good night and he has been messaging me to hang out. maybe I need a mini distraction from the "Husband Hunt" that I seem to be on... and I can't think of a better/hotter choice! So it looks like now I have two fun distractions (both not from jdate, woo hoo!)

Update 16

My Valentine's day started off with a message from the doctor (date number 24). "Hey... I just wanted to wish you a happy valentines day. I hope you enjoy it. XO". I wrote back "thanks you too". But my phone got messed up and it never went through! I took that as a sign that I was not supposed to write back so even when my phone started to work again, i didn't resend it. I don't know why I am being so nice to him. If he really wanted me to enjoy valentines day then why the F did he break up with me two days before valentines day? Why am I such a people pleaser with him? Anyways, as far as he knows I got his message and didn't reply and I have not heard from him since. Probably for the best.

Next, I spoke with a colleague of mine (another therapist) about my ex. I told him that my ex emailed me last week. We have not been in contact for 2 months. I ignored the email he sent me after one month of not communicating but I was not able to ignore this one. It was an email with a very sad undertone. He told me that he wanted to be friends, felt ignored and wondered why. He told me that he has never cared for anyone as much as he cared about me. He said that being around me made him feel like he wanted to be a better person. he told me about his family and that his grandfather had hurt himself and that his brother was turning 18 etc.

I wrote back the following:

I don't mean to be disrespectful I just found it pointless to ask for something I was already getting (space from you).

I have a lot of resentments to work out before I will ever be ready for a friendship with you.

I still hope you are doing well.

At first I wrote that back because I thought it was best for both of us. He is usually the one that does stuff that is in our best interest even though it may be painful. And this time it felt like it was my turn. I knew things with the doctor were on the rocks and I didn't want to open up the door with my ex and run back to him for comfort after things ended with the doctor. I also think that he is dating someone and I swore I would never be what his ex was to me to any other girl that he dates. I hated when he talked to her and I don't want his new girl to be upset when he talks to me. Also, I know that after such a short time with her he does not feel strongly enough for her to sustain a relationship while talking to me. So I thought that I wrote that cold email for us to move on and find happiness... i thought I was the martyr.... Til I talked to my colleague.

After we spoke I realized I am so g-d damn angry at my ex. I am still hurt and still wounded. Why the hell did he have to email me and mess up "how great I was doing". (Was I really doing that great if his email effected me?) He wants to be "friends"??? I don't need another friend! I have no interest in being his damn friend! How dare he try to "rope" me back in by telling me about his grandparents, who I adore, knowing full well that I would want to make sure his grandfather is doing okay. Sooo manipulative! How dare he contact me when I am trying to move on and be happy with someone else? Why did he disrespect his new girl and contact me? Had he done this to me with his ex while we were together? And I am still pissed off about that picture of him and his ex while we were still together and he went to Spain and saw her.

And then there is the pain part... why didn't he love me enough to convert and move here and start a life with me? Why did he choose to be so stubborn and set in his ways instead of choosing to love me and make me happy? Why did he want me to choose between him and my family when he could have given me both? Why did he have to be such a selfish person?

Valentines Day was a bit painful when I remembered where I was last year at this time. We were together in Europe. In love.

I am torn between anger/resentment and sadness.

A part of me wants to tell him to screw off and leave me alone forever and the other wants nothing more then to be in his arms and weep together. I know the healthier thing to do is to stay out of contact with him. And I do want to be healthy and move on. I know that we are not meant to be together and I know he is not what I need or want for my future. So why would I bother talking to him? I will try to deal with my resentments and anger and sadness using other people (therapist, colleagues, friends etc) and not him.

Its best for both of us if we don't speak. At least I think it is......

My Twenty-fifth Date

And... back to jdate... kill me with a knife!!!!

No. Just no! We made plans to meet at 1 PM for coffee as he is a "very busy man" but really wants to meet me. I agreed. I told him to call me at 11 AM so that we could chose a place to meet. He called me at 10:o0 on Saturday morning and woke me up. I was a bit irritated. He asked if we could move our date up to 12:30. I said okay. I got there at exactly 12:30 and phoned him to see if he was inside yet. He told me that he was running a bit late and would be there soon. I waited inside like an idiot. At least I had my book to keep me entertained! He walked in at 12:55! He is the one that asked to move it to 12:30 and then he shows up at 1 anyways??? Are you serious?!?! If I didn't have my book, I would have left for sure. Anyways.... He was a very tall and quite good looking guy. He had a very European look going on.... long hair, long black coat, Italian looking boots.... Not really my look. He sat down, and did not even apologize for being late. We talked about what I do and then he started to make fun of addiction. I couldn't believe it! He was saying things like, I think those people are just weak. I don't believe that they can't stop using drugs on their own and that people need to pay so much for rehab and drug counselors! I was shocked that he said all that to me. We had a brief debate about the topic and then I dropped the subject cause he was irritating me with his snooty, know-it-all responses. He told me that he had just taken the last 3 years to travel the world. I said that was really cool. He said, if you like traveling then you would LOVE the book I just wrote about my experiences traveling. I don't get the correlation!!! I do like traveling but I have zero interest in reading a book that you wrote and find it egotistical that you assume I would want to! (Don't worry, I said that last part in my head, not out-loud!) Then after about an hour he says that he has to get going because he is going to Paris tomorrow for a job interview! Why would he squeeze in a date just before he is thinking of moving to Paris??? What a mental case! I mentioned to him that my best friend is a corporate event planner and so he gave me his card and told me to have her give him a call because he "throws parties for very important people all the time". Ewww, so pretentious! And so not impressed! When I got home, I had an email from him waiting in my inbox. He told me that he had a wonderful time and that I was the most feminine woman he had seen in years and thought I was beautiful. He also attached a copy of his book. I didn't write back and I read the first page of his book and hated it...

In the meantime, my best friend and I went out for dinner and to an amazing club together. I am having so much fun being single with her!!!! I saw so many people that I knew and bumped into a guy that my cousin once tried to set me up with but I was with my ex at the time so we never ended up meeting. He is pretty cute and he called me right after he left the club that night. I don't think he is my type but he is a fun distraction in the meantime!

So.... I will just keep searching! I know he is out there!

Update 15- "Just Friends"

So since we had our scary relationship talk, things have been going downhill... We both pulled back and were not really communicating at all this week. I saw him one time after our talk and he was very reserved and so was I. We avoided any real discussions and just watched a movie. I could tell that he was freaked out and very afraid of what it might mean to move to the next level with me. I waited patiently and hoped that he would come around. As I waited I realized that I have been here before. My ex fiance (the one before my non Jewish ex) told me right when I met him that he was not the marriage type. I ignored him and invested 5 years into our relationship (from 20-25 years old). I manipulated and tricked him and he proposed. I thought that I had accomplished something! I got the player, the "I will never get married guy" to love me so much that he proposed. But guess what... he was not the marriage type... Just like he told me 5 years earlier! So I thought a lot this week. I need to HEAR what he is saying to me. I do not need to be offended or get insecure. I am the marrying type and if he is not then its good to know now! I thought about the fact that I could probably talk him into it eventually. I thought about taking the pressure off and telling him we can take it slower and that I don't need to be his girlfriend for a long while until he is ready. But I am not 20 anymore. I do not have 5 years to invest just to find out that what he is telling me is the truth and that he does not want to get married. I am not in the stage of my life where I feel the need to convince someone that marrying me will be the best thing ever! When my bashert comes to me, he will want nothing more then to spend the rest of his life next to me. So I waited and decided that his fear and coward attitude was actually a huge turn off to me. I decided that there are too many negatives and that I do not think I want to take on another one of my "projects" at this stage in my life.

And finally after 2 days of not communicating I got the following bbm message:

Hey... So I have been doing some thinking over the last few days and realized that I don't think I can commit. I really like you and like hanging out with you... I have a great time and we laugh a lot and have so much fun but its not fair to you. I thought that I was becoming ready but I don't think I am. I am sorry if I am disappointing you and I am sorry to do this over bbm.

When I got the message I smiled. I had been expecting it. I was more relieved to be clear then to be living in the "what-ifs". Some of my friends were saying "what if he is just busy and needs some space, he will come around"... At least with this message I knew where we stood and I could move on. He was kind enough to let me down easy and not to string me along. He had enough respect to be honest about his feelings instead of lying to me to get me into bed. So in some way I appreciated it. And you can not be mad at someone for how they feel. I felt so empowered by my mature and logical reaction. I said out loud that "this means I am that much closer to finding my soul mate!" I truly believe that! I had a wonderful month with him. I learned some stuff about myself and about dating and about what I am prepared and not prepared to do in a relationship. And I am so proud of myself that I didn't give in and sleep with him. I respected myself and in turn he was respectful to me.

I wrote him back the following message:

No worries! Thank you for being honest with me. I was kind of thinking that our Imagos weren't going to fit :) and I am glad you were the one to say it cause I was too scared! I had fun with you too and hope to hang out one day. Speak to you soon.

P.S. Imago is from the book I am reading "Getting the Love You Want". He bought it for me and so i explained to him a bit about Imago therapy... "We marry someone who is an Imago match, that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of our primary caretakers. This is important because we marry for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Since our parents are the ones who wounded us, it is only they who can heal us. Not them literally, but a primary love partner who matches their traits." Wikipedia

I don't think he was expecting that, lol!

He thanked me for being so understanding. Then later this evening I got a message saying that he was doing some reading for his course and that he would call me tomorrow after it was done. I said cool.

Not sure if he will call or if we will actually remain in contact but I think he is a great guy and I saw that he was an amazing friend to all his friends. So we shall see. I am more excited that I am okay. The way I used to be, if this happened I would be a basket case! I would be crying and not eating and hating everything! And two days before Valentines day!!!

This will be my first single Valentines day in 10 years. Last Valentines day I flew to Europe to be with my ex. We had an amazing time and it really was a day of love. This year I will probably just have dinner with my Ex-Fiance (we are still best friends) and he told me that he doesn't want me to be alone... He knows I get sad about stuff like that! Then maybe I will go to a club with my best friend that is recently single! We have never been single at the same time so I am kind of excited for all the trouble we are going to cause together!!!

So... back to jdate... I have one set up for tomorrow already! Not wasting anytime!!

Update 14- Week Four

I'm not sure where I am at today....

I am PMS-ing like crazy and thus feeling very negative. Last week I took on a new attitude about this new relationship. I was able to take my blinders off and not feel like I was the lucky one to have found him. He is 34 years old. He knows full well that a girl like me comes around, well, once every 34 years! I am a great catch, an amazing and attentive girl friend and anyone that I have ever been with claims that they are a better person today because of our relationship. This revelation helped me to see some of his negative qualities and not dismiss them just because he is "a good looking, successful, Jewish Doctor". Who gives a rats ass. Jewish Doctors are a dime a dozen as far as I am concerned! I think he feels entitled to get girls and to not have to try too hard to maintain the relationship just because his ego is the size of Africa! Well he has met his match!

Side note: I have not been alone for the past 10 years. I have been in and out of relationships since I was 16. Some over lapped and some started the following day or week but I have never really been alone and I was terrified of it. After I ended things with my ex and finally stopped all communication with him and truly was alone, only then did I face my fear and realize that its really not that bad. In fact, I liked it. I felt free and independent. I got to know myself a bit better and I liked who I was! Plus, now that I faced my fear I will no longer be scared to be alone and therefore I will not feel trapped to stay in a relationship that is not for me just out of fear of being alone. So I feel like I can be more real and ask for what I need and not be scared to speak up in case that will make him "leave me and wind up alone".

So with that said I have been a bit tougher and less needy and not acting desperate or feeling "lucky" to have found him. Perhaps this has made it a bit more difficult for him to get close to me but for now its working great for me. If we don't work out I will be okay and that is the most valuable thing to me.

My therapist suggested that I think about how I will sabotage the relationship with my "new attitude". I think I will ruin it by:

-feeling very entitled to making my demands heard and getting my needs met.

-I will be less accommodating to his needs and wants and fears.

-I will grow impatient of how slow he wants to take things.

-I will be so busy focusing on his negatives and my positives that I will inflate my ego and overlook the fact that he is a good guy that is trying to make me happy.

He shared with me that he is scared to make us official and use the term girl friend. At first i though that was a crock of shit and a line that a guy would use to play a girl. But the more I thought about it I realized that although he is 34, he has not had a long term girlfriend in a very long time. He knows that a girl like me has everything together and wants to move into the next stage of my life. He said that making a girl like me his girlfriend was almost like deciding to marry me and after one month he is too scared to do that. I feel like his fears are valid but I am still being very cautious about getting hurt. The truth is, he is treating me like his girlfriend... We are exclusive (not dating anyone else) we see each other a lot. He caters to my needs (he rubbed my stomach last night for an hour because I had period cramps...) He seems interested. We talk about a possible future. And he shares with me that he is not as confident as everyone thinks he is. On some level I think he is inexperienced with relationships and I know that I represent a possible wife, not just a girl to sleep with.

After we had this talk I called my best friend and said "this guy has exactly one week to grow some balls and ask me to be his girlfriend or else we are done!" I was feeling very angry and defensive and hurt. I was thinking "how could he not already know how wonderful I am and how lucky he is to have found me". I got vengeful and spiteful (like I often do) and figured that I would leave him and teach him a life lesson of "you snooze you lose!"

But then I slept on it. It's good that today I have enough self control not to act in the heat of the moment and to take some time to think before I react. I thought to myself... I have been so wrapped up in trying to get him to be my boyfriend that I haven't spent much time thinking if I even like him enough to want to be his girlfriend! I was trying to prove myself when really I should have been trying to figure out if he is what I am looking for. And the truth is after one month, I don't know for sure either so how could I expect him to know that he wants to be my boyfriend, husband, father of my children in one month when I am unsure myself!!!!

I realized that as soon as I take the focus off the other person and put it back on myself and my thinking and my actions, I am able to see the situation more clearly. And since this is my future and my life we are talking about, I think I can give it a bit more time to make sure that I am making the right choice despite what he is thinking or doing.

So for now I will try to "chill out" a bit and get to know him better and decide if he is what I am want and not wait for him to decide my fate (like I have often done in the past).

Besides, I do have a great time with him. We spent like 15 hours together on Friday and had the best day! We went to Indigo (bookstore) and he bought me a book that I have been wanting to read forever and I recommend it to all... Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix. We held hands while I read while he studied for a course he is taking. I felt like the couple from Love Story! He left for a few minutes and came back with amazing Swiss chocolates for me :) We had a nice dinner and then went back to his place and had a dance party in his condo, just the two of us! It was really cute!! So I hope that I can just be patient and enjoy how much fun I am having without putting the pressure of labels and future on this...

Update 13- Week Three

So its been 3 weeks... so far so good :)

I wrote my list of ways I was scared that I was going to screw things up and so far none of them have come true!! Go me!!

Here is the list of things I think I might do to ruin things with him:

Talking too much about the future

Controlling his spending

Controlling when he can have boys night

Sleeping with him too early

My jealousy of his female friends

Disbelief- he is too good to be true

Looking for flaws- he grew up being spoiled by his parents (entitled), materialistic, wants to have sex and seems impatient that I want to wait (although he is still waiting)

Getting upset or disappointed if he doesn’t call or plans fall through and feeling spiteful or venguful

Irrational around my period (major PMS)

Rush into everything, moving too fast

Start my list of demands- go out more, be my bf, call every night to say good night...

Having no patience to let things unfold- my need to control progression of relationship

Let my fears of getting hurt get the best of me and guide my behavior

Pressuring him into marriage, meeting my family and friends etc

Already planning how many times a week we can hang out, when I can start to sleep over etc

Doing my detective work- checking his phone to see if girls are calling him etc.

Not being able to relax and enjoy him

Wow! After re-reading that list I can't imagine how I have been able to last in so many relationships and not screw them up!I must have some really great qualities to counteract my controlling behavior! I have so many characteristics that could potentially screw up a good thing but I guess with some awareness of them I am able to not let them get the best of me and ruin my relationships.I mean, I was able to do it in the past and so far I am succeeding with this one! After going over this list I came to a few realizations, with the help of my support system (Friends, Family, Therapist, Al-Anon group members etc.)

I realized that many of my negative behaviors can be put into a category called "controlling". In my session, my therapist referred to controlling behaviors as insecure. In all my years in Al-Anon I have never heard it referred to that way. It seems so obvious to me now that he said it but I had just never thought about it that way. It makes so much sense! I act in this way because I feel insecure and therefore feel the need to try to control my environment. I need to really be positive and give my self some affirmations.... I am awesome!! I have noting to worry about and any guy that ends up with me is the luckiest man on earth! Step 2- start to really believe what I just said, lol!

I realized that he is not perfect. I am not the only one that needs to worry about screwing things up. He is super lucky to have me (with all my quirks) and he needs to be the one who is worried about screwing things up with me! I need to be very aware of his character defects and decide if I can tolerate them. I need to put aside that he is a Jewish Doctor (every Jewish mothers stereotypical dream for her daughter) and make sure that he has the qualities that I am looking for. I can for see the spoiled/entitled thing being a problem and I need to keep my eyes open and not be blinded by the things he has to offer me on paper. So far, he is a gentleman... we spoke about the sex thing and he said that he wants to wait until I am ready and so far he is doing that. He is attentive, he calls all the time and we see each other often. He is romantic, we watched Love Story together the other night and then next day I got a text message saying "Love means never having to say you are sorry" - the famous quote from the movie. And he played me the theme song on the piano :) And he took pictures of me and printed one on a huge poster size paper and gave it to me.

Also, we had our first sleepover at my house and I made him dinner and he said that he could tell that I would make an incredible wife :)

So for now I need to relax and enjoy and trust in the process!

If we are meant to be we will be and if not them I will find someone even better, that has been my pattern so far, so I need not worry!!! Right?!?!?!

Update 12- Week Two

I guess for now I will keep blogging and hope that one day when I tell him about the blog he will be able to find the humor in it! I will try not to give too many details but I find it very theraputic to write down my thoughts and feelings and I figure if some people that I have never met are interested, then why not let them read along!

So I just got back from a sister trip to New York. I went with one of my best friends and our two little sisters. We had an amazing time! I bought one of everything!!!!

The night before I left I went to his house. I decided to be up front with him and tell him that I do not like the fact that he wants to move faster than I do (in terms of sex). The conversation went amazing. He is a really good communicator! He said that he will behave and we spent the night watching TV shows on his couch and just kissing and cuddling, my fave!!! He was trying so hard to prove that he could be a good boy, it was so cute! I stayed really late and we both didn't want the night to end! When he kissed me good bye, he told me that he had a great night and loves being in my company (even without sexy business!) I think he was shocked by this. I feel like he is the type that can get a girl to sleep with him in two seconds and then he never really gets to know her. I think he impressed himself and definitely impressed me!

I started seeing a new therapist and it seems like he totally gets me after only one session. The one interesting thing he said to me was that after listening to me talk about this new guy he wants me to make a list of ways I think I will mess this up. He could not have asked me a more perfect question. I am so stressed out about making sure not to look to needy or act too controlling or sleep with him too soon and be too slutty.... It is all so strategical and planned out. I am going insane with everyone putting in their two sense. My mom told me that I better not sleep with him too early. My dad forbid me from spending the night over at his place. My friends are giving me tips and opinions and comments and everyone is saying different things!!! I need to relax and stop worrying so much. I am awesome and he already sees that! I doubt that if I sleep with him a week earlier then people suggested that he will get bored and leave me. Right?!?!

We spent the weekend texting back and forth. I sent him pictures of what I was buying and he seemed excited and gave me his opinions. He called me at my hotel to say good night and he told me that he missed me :)

He said that he wanted to be my boyfriend before Valentines Day. I said that I thought he didn't care about valentines day and he said "I don't but I know that you do!" Awwwww!

I really wanted to see him tonight when I got back but my best friend broke up with her boyfriend so I obviously had to be there for her (chicks before dicks!) I will probably see him very soon and let you know if anything significant happens!!!

Thank you for all your support and comments and emails, you all got me through the last 3 months and made my break-up and dating experience fun and less painful!

Update 11- Game on!

He sent me a text at 8:30 the next night, just like he said he would. I played it cool. I acted like I had nothing to worry about even though I was freaking out inside. He said he was going to call me in 5 mins, I asked him to give me 20. I needed to turn the tables and not be the one on trial. He called me and the first thing he said was "I thought about it and I want to put this behind us and not bring it up again". I was so relieved. He did what the datedoctor said he should do. He fought for me. He chose me me over his friend. I continued to play it cool as if it was obvious that he was not going to give me up over something so silly. He said that he was really upset and doesn't usually get so upset. I said its probably because he really likes me :) He said that he did not want to go to the party anymore and that he would much rather see me. I said that I wished he had called earlier because I already had other plans. Even though I was dying to cancel my plans and run to be with him, I did not let myself. I need him to know that he can not call me at 9:00 on a Saturday night and I would just drop everything for him. So I went to my friends house and he went to his. He called me around midnight to say good night. He told me that he saw his friend at the party, told him that they had both been dating me and told him that he likes me and to please back off. What a man!!!! We made plans to see each other the following night. Once again at his place.... I am getting a bit annoyed that I am always the one running there. I am trying not to be too controlling or demanding because I am aware that I can get like that and I don't want to ruin this. I need to think of a better way to get my needs met and going to his house so that he can try to sleep with me is not my idea of my needs being met.

I am not really sure what to do with my blog at this time.... I am not going on anymore first dates at least for now, maybe forever! I don't want to disrespect his privacy anymore then I already have by secretly blogging but I also think it might be cool to watch a potential relationship evolve... Does anyone care to read about how me and him are working out??

Any Suggestions?!?!?!?

In the meantime, please pray for me cause I really like him and hope this works out (well...only if its meant to be)!

Update 10- game over???

And.... The two guys are obviously good friends..... FML (Fuck My Life)!!!!

Friday night the Doctor picked me up after Shabbat dinner from my Grandmother's house. We went out for bubble tea and then to see Avatar 3D. The movie was almost 3 hours long and he rubbed my feet the entire movie. He is so attentive and sensual and sweet and wonderful! We had a great time. We talked about our patients and he was so interested in what I do. He told me that he was going to take a course to be a Methadone Doctor (dealing with Heroin addicts) which is totally in my field of work! It is a bit scary how wonderful he is.... He is a perfect gentleman with edge. He holds doors, walks me to the car, puts on my jacket etc. and yet knows how to be "cool" and not awkward in terms of the physical stuff...

After the movie we sat in the car talking. He told me that tomorrow night he is going to a party at his friends house. I asked which friend. When I said the name my face turned white. I said that I need to talk to him about something... I told him that I was also invited to that party by one of the other guys I was dating, meaning we have a common "friend". All the said was please don't tell me that his name starts with the letter "X". I said "yes it does". He looked like he was going to be sick. He asked me if I kissed his friend and I said that I had. He asked me if I slept with him and I said of course not. I told him that as soon as he had told me that he would prefer I didn't see other people, I had every intention of breaking it off with his friend and the other guys. He kissed me on the cheek and said that he needed to think and would call me the next day. I told him that was fine but to please remember that I had done nothing wrong. I was honest from the very beginning and as soon as I found this out I told him and wanted to put a stop to it. He said okay, I kissed him on the cheek and got out of his car....

I stayed up until 7 AM because I was so upset. I really like him but I got too cocky and too full of myself and now I could stand to lose a great guy. My dad (who has never put his nose in my dating business) actually yelled at me and said what I was doing was gross and that I had made my bed and now need to sleep in it. He was right. FML.

I spent time praying for what was meant to be to please be.

And then I got a random email from one of my followers telling me that he had been following my blog and was wondering how I was doing... denverdatedoctor.blogspot.com

He gave me amazing advice and I listened to every last word. He set up scenarios with me on what to do when my guy calls. And he told me that rule number one is not to apply my "woman" thinking to a guy's mind. I had not done anything wrong and I need to make sure that he was not going to try to make me feel guilty or punish me for this. He told me that the only way that I should consider being with him is if he mans up and fights for me. So I sat and waited for the phone call feeling very prepared. Thanks Date Doc!!!

Update 9

Don't hate the player... hate the game :)

So I was sort of dating 5 guys at the same time! I was in the midst of weeding out the vagina doctor (date 21) and the sports guy (date 23) and the lawyer (date 19) had been calling me or emailing me everyday from Israel and was coming home the same week that I met the accountant (number 22) and the other doctor (number 24). I was on such a role! Life was amazing! One guy was better then the next! Great guys, with great jobs and great families, taking me on great dates and all putting in effort to pursue me. I decided that it was really between the accountant and the other doctor. They were both cool and attractive and fun to hang out with. I was honest with both of them and told them both that I was dating other people. I saw them both a few more times this past week and was having trouble deciding who I liked better. The accountant who is known as a huge player seemed more interested in me. he was calling me a lot and always asking me when he could see me next. The doctor was more laid back and I was having trouble reading him and was not sure what his true intentions were. I knew how to deal with the accountant. I am an expert at dating players. I was stand-off- ish, and played hard to get. I would shoot down all his player lines and make him really work to get a date with me. when we were on the date I would demand things that he would normally never do for a girl like put on my jacket and open the car door. All of this was working. It was either working because he liked me or because he wanted to prove that he could get the prude little Jewish girl to cave and sleep with him. Sooo not happening! I told him that I only sleep with a guy that I am exclusive with and we were both dating other people so he could forget about it.

he took me out 2 more times and we had a good time. We kissed but not like crazy and nothing more then that happened.

Things with the doctor moved pretty fast... Our second date was so cute. I went to his condo (oops!) and he ordered in Italian food. He set up the kitchen like a date at a restaurant. He lit a candle and had music playing in the background. he dimmed the lights and asked me to join him for a date in the kitchen. I thought this was sooo cute! (please keep in mind that if I did not like him and was not attracted to him i would have found this cheesy and corny!) After dinner we sat at the table and he rubbed my feet and we talked. I was going to help clear the table and he made me sit back down and told me that it is the mans job to take care of the woman. YUM! After dinner we went to his room and we may or may not have taken a bubble bath, I am pleading the fifth :) OMG! Who am I??? I need to spare any more details because my grandmother is the number one fan of this blog and I do not need her to have a heart attack! I felt so comfortable with him. I was not self conscious or worried. I was just me. It felt good. I obviously did not sleep with him, in fact we didn't even really fool around. We hung out and talked and kissed and it felt really right.

The next night I went out with the accountant again. We had a good time too. He took me to a very nice restaurant and then we went back to his place ( I guess I am in the new business of doing that) and had tea and listened to music on his computer. I did not go to his room. We just hung out and kissed a bit.

The next day I called my friend to meet me for an emergency meeting. I needed to pick one. I liked them both but felt wrong for starting to seriously like and date two guys. We met at starbucks and my sister and her friend ended up joining us too. We made a pro and con list for both guys. The doctor won hands down. My decision was made. I had one more date planned with each of them and then I was going to tell the accountant that I met someone else and wanted to give my time and effort to the other guy.

Obviously my ex emails me. I don't hear from him in a month and a half and I finally have found not one but two guys that I am into. I am in my dating prime and I get a stupid email. It was just saying that he noticed we are not friends on facebook anymore and he hopes I'm doing well and to write back if we are "cool like that"... blah blah blah. I was actually fine when I read it. I didn't get upset or anything. I just laughed in my head and thought that G-d must really have a sense of humor! I decided not to write back cause I really had nothing nice to say and had I said that we are not facebook friends because you posted pics of your ex from when we were still together and now a new girl he would have wrote back to explain and we would have gotten back into our circle of emailing each other again. My heart is not interested in that at all. A few days later he emailed my sister to wish her a happy birthday and said that he is sorry he has not been in touch but thats "just the way stuff goes I guess". I felt a bit bad for him. He must have been thinking about me over the last few days. I still didn't email him back and have no intentions of doing so.

My Twenty Forth Date

I had a missed call on my cell phone from a weird number one night after work and there was no voice mail. It was kind of late so I decided not to be one of those creepy people that called back numbers they did not recognize. When I got home I logged onto msn and some guy messaged me. I messaged him back. He wrote that he was not able to see what I was typing but if I could see his message to please call him and he gave me a phone number (same number as my missed call). I called him. I told him that I did not remember ever talking to him but I had obviously spoken to him if he was on my msn and had my phone number (which by the way I never give out). He explained that he had been going through his junk email and found one from a while back from me saying that our msn messages were not going through but to call me when he got my email. So he did. I had no idea who he was, what his profile name was or what he looked like. He asked me out for the following Saturday night. Big plus. Saturday night is usually a night that single guys go out with their guy friends to pick up girls or its considered girlfriend/boyfriend night and that fact that he asked me out on that night was impressive. He lives in a posh part of town about 35 minutes from my house. The type of people that live there have a certain reputation of being snobby and pretentious and they do not really like to leave their area. I was a little bit concerned about this. Obviously I went down to his area because there is much more to do there on a Saturday night. I parked my car at his condo and we went in his. When I first saw him I thought he was cute. He is 34 but looks like he is 20 years old. I thought that he looked like a sweet mamas boy. I didn't think that he would have any clue what do to with me. I thought he would be shy and timid and boy-ish. I could not have been more wrong. We ended up driving around and trying to get into a place that had a 2 hour waiting list. I could see that he was about to bribe the hostess so I gave him a look as if to say we are not any more important than the first 40 people on the list and we can find a different place to eat. We wound up back on his street at a very high end restaurant/bar. The conversation was great. He is a doctor and we had tons to talk about. He was super interested in the addiction work that I do and I was super interested in what his work. After dinner ended around 10:30 we went back to his condo. The plan was that I was going to go to my car and get my change of clothes and go to my girl friends house (who lived around the corner) because she was having a party. We went down to the garage got my bag and got into the elevator. I thought he was going to let me off at the lobby so that I could walk to my friends house but he only pressed his floor and I wasn't paying attention. He said he was dying to pee and ran into his place, I followed. He had a stunning condo, amazing view and it was immaculately clean. he gave me the "grand tour". We sat down at his piano and we played the only song that I know (Fur Elise) together. He then played some real songs for me. I just sat next to him, closed my eyes and listened to him play. He turned on the TV and we lay down on the couch. He said " I hope you know that you are obviously not going to your friend's house". I said "Ya, I know" and smiled. We watched a movie together and for half an hour he just tickled my arm and back, played with my hair and my face and I was in heaven! He finally leaned down and kissed me.

It is very important to know that I do NOT give out my number, I do NOT go up to guys places and I do NOT make out on the first date.

Not long after the couch did he pick me up and take me to his room. Who would have known that this innocent looking guy was such a confident and strong man! I was so surprised and turned on! All we did was kiss but it lasted til almost 4:30 AM. It was amazing! He was amazing!

Anyways, I had a great time with him. We had tons in common... Both Israeli backgrounds and even our fathers have the same hardcore Israeli name and grew up in the same town. We spoke about the future and seem to have very similar ideas about the future. The only thing we disagree about is where to live (he likes his area, I like mine) but I would so compromise about that.

He seemed into me too and I so hope that we have more dates and really get to know each other better.... Fingers crossed!

The next morning my mom asked me why I got home so late so I told her that I was at this guys house. She was kind of upset and told me that if he does not call me back it is because I went over to place and gave the impression that I was easy. I was annoyed at her and felt a bit guilty for being so easy. I am usually smarter then that and keep my guard up with guys. I guess his innocent look allowed me to let my guard down and be a bit more trusting then usual. In any case I didn't regret it cause I had fun and whatever is meant to be will be....

My Twenty Third Date.

I had been talking to this guy for a while over the phone. He actually found me on facebook and not jdate. We exchanged a bunch of messages back and forth and then we started to talk on the phone. He was away a lot for work and so it took a while for us to be able to meet. He flew home on a Friday night and sent me a text message. I told him that I was out at a bar with one of my girl friends.

Side story: When we walked into the bar, she saw her ex (that she broke up with 5 days before) talking to another girl... She was so angry that she started to flirt with some other guy.

So anyways, the bar ended up being right by his house and so he decided to come by and meet me. He was flying out again the next day for another week so it really was the only time we could meet. He has a super cool job with one of our sports teams and so he gets to fly where ever they are playing. He loves his job and seemed like a really cool and laid back kind of guy. He came to the bar and we hung out for a bit and then ended up going back to the guy's house that my friend had picked up. They had a few a drinks, I didn't cause I was driving and cause I really don't like to drink... She was talking to her guy which gave me time to chat with this guy. I did think he was cool but I was not attracted to him at all. He looked sloppy and unkempt. He reminded me of a laid back hippie from the 70's. He was a 36 year old with no real goals or future plans. He still rented his apartment and lived like a care free teenager from pay check to pay check... At least thats the impression that I got. Needless to say, he was not for me.

We had a nice evening but when he messaged me for a second date I told him that I was busy the next time he was in and the next time after that. I think he got the hint.

I was really looking forward to my date the next night with a new guy that I had been talking to from jdate....

My Twenty Second Date.

Some cute guy sent me an email on jdate. I replied and gave him my msn address so that we could chat. The next time were both on msn, he messaged me "Hey Gorgeous!" I could tell just by that one line that he was confident and possibly a player. I went with it anyways. We chatted for a bit and he asked me for my blackberry messenger pin number so that we could message each other on our phones. When he added me, I saw his real name and everything began to come back to me. I knew him. Well I didn't know him but we had met before. I was 18 years old and my older cousin took me to some guys house for a house party. There were people everywhere and he was the life of the party. There were tons of slutty girls there and lots of alcohol and now that I think about it, I'm sure there were drugs too! I told her that I thought the guy who owned the house was really cute, her answer was that he was a huge player who would break my heart and that I had better stay away from him. And here he was on jdate, messaging me and asking me out on a date.

I figured I needed some excitement in my life. The truth is, I am trying to force myself to like these dorky Jewish Doctors and lawyers but they are not my type. I am used to being with a guy who has some edge. I am not really looking for a player or to get hurt but I need someone that will keep me interested and excited. I have been through 20 guys who have not had any edge and I have not liked any of them for longer then a few dates. So why not go out with this guy!

Now don't get me wrong, on paper he has lots going for him. He is a successful accountant and comes from a great (and successful) family. He is very smart, very good looking and knows how to charm a woman. He is funny and very sweet. So I decided to go. I am not 18 anymore and I think I will be smart enough to know if I am being played and if his lines are just to try to get me into bed. Plus, I secretly always thought he was cute for the last 8 years!

I was sooo nervous! I know that he gets a lot of good looking girls and for the first time I felt a bit self conscious. I was worried about what my hair and make up looked like and I even tried on a few outfits before I went out which is so not like me. We met for dinner. No more stupid coffee dates for me... I am only dating classy men from now on! He was as cute as I remembered him to be! We had a great date. He told me that he was pleasantly surprised at how stunning I was in real life (player line, I ate it up anyways!) We liked a lot of the same foods and the conversation was amazing. No awkward moments at all. Except for one... I reminded him of the night I met him 8 years ago. He was so embarrassed! He was apologizing and explaining that he is not like that anymore. He told me that he had asked my cousin about me and she had told him to stay away from me so he did, lol. He begged me not to judge him based on that time in his life. I told him that he could prove me otherwise by how he acts today. I agreed not to judge but told him that I would probably remain a bit guarded just to be on the safe side with him. He called me the next day and insisted that we hang out again as soon as possible. I told him that I was pretty busy this week but would try to make some time.

We did not kiss but I could tell that there was chemistry and that he was trying hard to prove he was a gentleman. I thought that was super cute and although I didn't let him know, I secretly couldn't wait to see him again either. Now all I have to do is figure out who is gonna break this news to my cousin... NOT ME!!!!

Update 8

Before the new year I logged onto facebook one morning and looked at my ex's profile page. He had put up a picture of him with his ex girlfriend (the one right before me). The thing is that at the time the picture was taken, when he went to Spain a few months ago, we were still together. He told me that he ran into her and that a bunch of their friends, as well as she, all went out for dinner together. I was annoyed by this but let it go at the time. This picture was of them hanging out at the beach. Possibly innocent, possibly not. Either way, I wasn't communicating with him so I couldn't ask him and therefore I took it at face value and felt betrayed. I began to check his profile page very often. Like a few times a day. It was getting pathetic, really. Then, on New Years morning, I checked it again and he had pictures of him and some blonde girl. They had spent new years together at a party and the pictures were making me sick. I inspected the pictures. I tried to see where his hands were positioned around her waist. I tried to see how he was looking at her in the pictures. I compared the pictures of them to pictures of him and girls that I knew he was just friends with to see if there was a difference. I started to feel so incredibly jealous and angry. I was resentful. I have been on 20 or so dates and have not been able to find anyone that I liked more then him... We stop talking for like 3 weeks and he has already found a new girl. My mind was driving me insane. So insane that I finally pushed the "remove friend" button on his page. That was it. He was gone. I could no longer stalk his page. I started to panic. Why had I done this?? Now I couldn't see if he posted more pictures. I called my best friend and made her give me her password. I logged into her account and continued to stalk his page through her. It was actually frightening how out of control this was. He posted more pictures of the two of them the next day and the girl wrote him a message. It was hurting me every time I looked and yet I couldn't stop looking. I needed to be stopped. I went to my therapist and talked out the insanity of what I was doing to myself. I got back into my normal rational state of mind. If I know I don't want to be with him then I should be happy for him if he finds a nice girl to move onto. Once I accepted this and grieved the worst possible scenario (that he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her), I was invincible! I got home and asked my best friend to change her password and not to give it to me even if I begged for it. I felt free. I was happy that he wasn't my friend anymore and knowing he was possibly with someone else gave me even more closure. I can't say yet that I am happy for him, and I am still upset that he possibly lied about his ex in Spain but at least I feel at peace with the situation...

In the meantime I have number 19 calling me everyday from Israel and sending me emails. And number 21 making some form of communication everyday. They are both very sweet. I can't say that I am super into either of them but its a nice distraction from the crappy feelings with my ex. So now its been over a month of not speaking to him and about a week of not being interested in what he is up to and/or stalking his profile page!

My new years Resolutions were:

-To delete him completely so that I could start to heal and move on (although one of the more difficult things I have done, I highly recommend it to anyone in a break up). It is painful for the first few days and then it moves you forward like 5 years!!! Trust me!!!

-To begin to be happy with who I am, independent of who I am with (or not with)

-To build up my practice and take more pride in my work

-To start up one more business (in a totally different field)

-Clean my room

-Look into more classes and become even more certified within my field

-Try harder to get back to my old relationship with my mom and not be so snappy with her!

P.S. My theme song for the past two weeks has been Michael Buble- Haven't met you yet. I love it and it gives me lots of hope and excitement that my Bashert (soul mate) is still out there!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA Enjoy!

My Twenty First date

The last time I saw this guy was about eight years ago. I used to carpool to school with his younger brother (who I am still friends with and knows about this blog so I can't go into great detail) and his mom made him drive us and the rest of the carpool to school. He was not pleased. I have had him as a friend on facebook for a few years because we "know of" each other and have many common friends. Randomly one day he wrote me a message on facebook. He asked how I was and what I had been up to for the last 8 years. We exchanged a few emails back and forth and I told him that if he wants we can meet up to catch up. Over the last 8 years, he went to four years of Med school and was currently in the middle of his third (out of 5) year of residency to become an Obstetrician/gynecologist, yes, that is a vagina doctor. What a difference it is to go on a date with an educated, successful proffessional. There was no coffee, no bubble tea, etc. We met in the lobby of his condo and walked to a nice Italian restaurant around the corner. We shared grilled calamari, some wine and I got my favorite dish (pasta with tomato sauce and goat cheese) and he got fish. It was delicious! The conversation was great and we were having such a great time that we decided to go to another place to get dessert. We shared a huge crepe with ice cream and strawberries and chocolate sauce and whipping cream! After dessert I went up to see his place. I only felt comfortable to do this because I technically already knew him, and his family and was friends with his brother so it felt okay. He had a really nice place but I began to notice that everything was strategically placed, there was zero clutter and every picture hung perfectly on the wall. It was almost OCD how perfect everything was. I asked him about it. He said that the meanest thing anyone could ever do to him would be to move a picture in his condo and not tell him which one it was so he wouldn;t know which one to fix. I laughed and told him that it was a bad idea to tell a girl about his achillies heel on a first date! He gave me a kiss goodnight and I went home. Over the next few days we exchanged messages on our blackberrys (bbms). Now please don't get me wrong... I am a smart girl. English is my first language and I have a Masters degree and still, I needed a dictionary just to understand some of his text messages!!! I told him that the exuberance of his verbosity was far too copious for my diminutive comprehension... He laughed but I wasn't joking!!!

His schedule is insanely busy but we met up again a few days later. We went to a movie and then grabbed a coffee and then at midnight I talked him into going to Mcdonalds! We had so much fun! It felt like high school! The only thing missing was the chemistry. I tried to force it. I gave myself pep talks that come to think of it sounded like my mothers voice inside my head... "But he comes from a wonderful family and he will make a great husband and father, sex fades anyways, don't let this one go". Screw that! I can find both! (Gulp, at least I hope I can).

After that date the messages got less flirtatious and less frequent. I know I stopped putting in the effort and I think he could feel it. He will still message once in a while but I don't think we will be able to more then friends... I hope I am not being a moron cause he is a great guy... Sorry mom, no Jewish doctor for you!!!

Back to jhell, I mean jdate.

Crazy MSN convo with jdate guy

So this guy messaged me a million times on jdate and we chatted for a bit and he asked me for my msn. I told him that he was not my type and he practically begged me to give him a chance, he seemed harmless at the time. I figured it would at least make for a funny first date so I told him that perhaps we would try to meet next week sometime. He started to message me like every time I came online and I started to get annoyed and ignore him. I finally answered him and this was our conversation....

----- Our chat on Mon, 12/21/09 12:55 PM -----
Stalker: hey
Stalker: busy?
ME: a bit
ME: u?
Stalker: no, not busy at all, do you want to chat?
ME: i am just returning some emails... so we can try to chat but i may get distracted
Stalker: that's all good, duty calls. it's B right?
ME: yes
Stalker: what's your jdate name again?
Stalker: --------?
ME: yes
Stalker: ok sorry.. so how was your weekend?
ME: good thanks, yours
Stalker: it was great. big party last night, what were you up to?
ME: girls night
Stalker: oh nice. did you go dancing?
ME: no, dinner, movie and girl stuff
Stalker: haha to me a girls night means pillow fights in your underwear and gossiping about boys.
ME: and thats exactly what it was
Stalker: i knew it!
Stalker: can i come next time?
ME: nope u r not a girl, at least i dont think u are...
Stalker: hm, ok you can just gossip about me then.
Stalker: i'd rather just go on a date with you anyway.
Stalker: do you date a lot?
Stalker: are you the type of person who dates a lot of people at once?
ME: what does that mean?
Stalker: you know, some people go on a million dates at once before they pick who they want to be with, and i hate that.
ME: well how else are u supposed to find the "one"??
Stalker: i only date one girl at a time.
Stalker: if it goes well and i want to see her again, then why muck things up by meeting someone else?
Stalker: if it doesn't go well, only then will i meet someone new.
ME: well if i like someone then i stop dating
Stalker: but you'll still see lots of people at once until you do?
Stalker: it's just, i've been on dates before where i had a great time, and when i asked to see her again she had like 3 other dates lined up that week. so annoying.
Stalker: are you like that?
Stalker: if you are then i'm probably not interested after all..
Stalker: are you always on jdate?
Stalker: is that what you're so busy with you can't talk to me?
ME: wow, u r kind of possessive... we haven't even met and u want to know if i am dating people and talking to other guys besides you... why dont u try to take it one step at a time
Stalker: i'm not possessive, i just hate being ignored when i really want to get to know someone and then i see them on a dating site probably meeting other people. i know it seems weird, but i actually want someone who's interested in me too you know.
Stalker: i hate these dating sites. when you finally meet someone you think you'd like they're already talking to 20 other guys, it's bs.
ME: well thats kind of the way dating is... people arent sitting at home waiting for you... they are out there trying to find the one
ME: and if u r too rigid and have all these things u dont like before u even meet the girl, well thats a big turn off in itself
Stalker: it's a big turn off that i want to talk to you and get to know you better without you talking to a million other guys too? well i'm sorry i actually care.
ME: well u will lose the opportunity with many girls with that attitude, I will stop dating when I know a guy is worth it to stop dating for, not before that... what have u done or said that would make me need to stop dating and be "faithful" to u?? Why do I owe anoyone I have not met, anything?? u dont make sense!
Stalker: maybe i will lose this opportunity, but for some reason i don't like it when i try to talk to someone and they ignore me because they're meeting other guys, call me old fashioned.
Stalker: if you didn't want to get to know me in the first place then why did you even respond to me or make a date with me, you don't make sense!
Stalker: i'm sorry i'm flipping out right now, i know it's just gonna ruin any chance i had with you, but try to see things from my point of view.
ME: You messaged me like a million times!!!! And who said i made a date with u?? do you realize u sound like a stalker? And if you "caught" me on line that means that u r online too, potentially talking to other girls... u sound like a crazy person!
Stalker: i meet a great girl i would love to get to know, and she's too busy to talk to me because she's meeting other guys.
ME: u r on the same site!!!! talking to girls!!!!!
Stalker: you did say you would go on a date with me before, but i'm sure you forgot already because you probably say that to every guy you talk to. and you're right i am talking to other girls, but at least i'm talking to you and not ignoring you.
ME: so that makes u better?? u r doing the exact same thing that you said makes u upset... u r such a hypocrite!!!
Stalker: no, i fully understand if you want to meet other guys still, but i at least still want to talk to you and get to know you, you're just ignoring me, and it gives me the impression that you're not interested. i'm sorry i'm flipping out, i'm just really frustrated.
Stalker: if you're not interested then just say so, don't get my hopes up like you did and then ditch me.
ME: i told u from the beginning that u were not my type, u kept pushing and pushing so i agreed to meet u. I did not agree to be your girl friend, or stop dating or marry you. there is a HUUUUUUGE difference!
Stalker: i just think you should have given me more of a chance before automatically assuming i'm not your type.
ME: i was going to give u a chance!!!!! then u turned into a psycho stalker!!!
Stalker: i'm not a psycho stalker, i just hate it when i meet someone i really want to meet and they just ignore me and go meet other guys. love is a two way street, and i just want to be appreciated too.
Stalker: i know you'll never know what that feels like, but trust me, it sucks.
ME: i promise that it has more to do with your behaviour.... u cant get possessive and scare off a girl before she even meets u
ME: u need to be patient
Stalker: i am patient, but next thing i know you meet someone else and i'm shit outta luck, i've been there so many times before and i'm so sick of it.
ME: well stuff that happened in your past is not a new girls problem... u cant take it out on her before u even meet her
Stalker: i'm not taking anything out on you, i've just been down this road before and it's no fun. i really wanted to talk with you and get to know just you. out of all the girls i've met on there over the last few day i would probably want to meet you the most.
Stalker: i know it's the nature of online dating to meet a million people at once and choose who you like best, but it's not ideal.
ME: thats based solely on looks cause u dont know me yet! and just cause u want to meet me so badly doesnt mean that i owe u something and need to immediately stop dating cause u want to date me... that is so grandiose and egotistical of u!
Stalker: you're right, it's mostly based on looks, but that just makes me want to get to know you more and you're making that so hard. i know you don't owe me anything, and i realize you'll probly never talk to me again after this, it's just really frustrating.
Stalker: i'm sorry
ME: well hopefully u will not do this to another girl which will increase ur chances of even making it to a first date with her, so look at this like a good thing
Stalker: k
Stalker: :(
ME: not sure why u r sad, its ur own doing.... no offense but u have totally freaked me out
Stalker: i know, i couldn't help it, i hate online dating. either girls are really ugly or their serial daters.
Stalker: and i'm not like that at all.
Stalker: don't worry, i won't bother you again.
ME: good luck on jdate
Stalker: thanks :(

After this conversation he continued to send me messages on jdate which I ignored. he got a bit abusive in some of the messages he left in my inbox like "hey, you jdate whore, why won't you talk to me??"

Anyways, these guys exist and I am grateful that I learned how crazy he was before I actually met up with him!!!

My Twentieth Date

My twentieth date lasted exactly twenty minutes. It was a new record! He had been sending me messages on jdate for weeks and I finally decided I would meet with him. I told him that we could meet after I finished work one weekday. I called him from the car and he told me that we should meet at the starbucks by his house. I got there first and realized that they were closing up. I called him to ask him if he wanted to meet somewhere else instead and he said he would meet me there and we would decide what to do. He pulled up next to me and got out of his car so I did the same. He shook my hand which was kind of awkward and started to walk inside, so I followed. He ordered a green tea and so did I. We sat down at a table as they were moping the floors and putting away all the desserts. He took off his jacket and he was wearing the most ridiculous outfit. He was wearing tight tight tight jeans, a fitted t-shirt and a fitted v-neck stripped sweater that looked like it came from his sister's closet. He also walked a bit like Mr. Burns from the Simpson's with his hands in front of him (like a T-Rex). The conversation was mostly about how he hates this city and wants to move. He hates his job and he hates that he lives with his parents at 31 years old. He was a ball of complaints!! Shortly after we sat down, one of the employees came over to us and let us know that they were closing. We took the rest of our teas and walked outside. I told him that I was exhausted and he said that it was too bad that the coffee shop had to close so soon and that we had such little time to get to know eachother. I thought the exact opposite. I was so grateful that I only had to endure 20 minutes of his complaints!! He gave another awkward handshake and I got into my car and left.

Since that day, he has asked me numerous times if I am available to hang out again... Seriously??No, no I am not EVER available to hang out ever again!!!! I guess he is just more confident behind the computer then he is in real life. I am finding that a lot with internet dating.